Hey Soul Sister!

I woke up at 3 am and went to the kitchen. I thought I'd get a bowl of rice and a glass of water. Oh the perks of living in sin with an Asian, there's always fresh rice.

Jay: Bad dreams?
Me: Is there any other kind?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I guess she's 41 now. The days are long but the years are short. I don't really think about my family. Both my therapists are not fans, they think of them more like an infected limb I should cut off and be done with it before it spreads all through me. Does that hurt? Don't do it. 

They are probably right. But my sister. We've been through a lot together. A lot of her problems, she was never around for mine. I was always there for her though. I haven't seen her or my mother in over three years. Since she invited me and then uninvited me to her wedding. One of the biggest traumas in my life, I have to admit. When she gave me the invitation I said, are you sure? She said of course, you're my sister. Then the elders got involved and even though I'd bought a dress, wrote a card, had the wedding present, I wasn't allowed to go.

My family came to Toronto and drove by my place on their way to the wedding. I was sitting on the window in my pjs smoking. Yah, I used to smoke. They honked and waved like it was any other day of the week. I went out and drank until I didn't have any more feelings.

That was a long time ago now and I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Not by blood but out of love. I understand why my therapists and everyone else wants me to stay away from my family. The blood ties though are strong and pull at you every once in awhile. These people are pretty much strangers to me at this point but I still miss them. And wherever my sister is, I hope she's happier than I was in that life and wish her all the best.

Sullivan out.

Lest we Forget

You know what I hate about all my job jumping? I never have the right clothes. So I have a closet full of thousands of dollars of corporate stuff which I hope I don't need ever again but if things get bad I might have to go back. I don't get rid of them.

Then I have my dog walking/work in a flower shop stuff. I can't get rid of those either. I still have to do both those things.

Now I run a boutique, money is scarce because an MBA is too expensive, but I need to dress the right way. Apparently after yesterday, that means layers and layers of clothes that reflect the store and during Christmas market the door never closes. I'm happy there but still cold to my bones from that never ending shift. I guess it doesn't matter what I wear because I have this awesome coat and a hat and mitts and that's what I'll be wearing every day since winter came way too early.

That's the thing Game of Thrones got right about: winter, it is coming. You just don't know when. This time last year I was out in a sweatshirt playing ball with my dog in the leaves. This year, different story.

Let me be devil's advocate for a minute and have a say. I'm late on my Remembrance Day blog. I was processing everything. Y'all know I'm not racist or have any sense of superiority being a white, straight girl with blonde hair. *hello asian guy in my bed, italian dog (also in my bed), black hair stylist/awesome friend, indian boss and all my gay besties.*

I kinda don't think what we did to Don Cherry was right. Am I all for immigrants? Sure. But Trudeau has put us in this spot where he spends so much money on that, our veterans suffer. They can't afford to live. But Trudeau will give millions of dollars to terrorists who have killed our people. So maybe Don should have been mad at Trudeau instead. I don't know. But didn't we love Cherry all these years because you never knew what he would wear and what he would say next?

If you don't want to wear a poppy, that's your choice. You probably don't have both sets of grandfathers who fought the war, lived through it, but it took it's toll. There are no winners or losers in war, just survivors. And yes that is a very thinly veiled reference to my life. 

I'm proud to be Canadian and to honour the ones that came before me by wearing a poppy. Should he have mentioned his feelings on TV? Probably not. But hear me out. Isn't that one of the freedoms our forefathers fought for? Freedom of speech.

The world is changing and we need to change with it. We're breaking a lot of unwritten rules that used to be lived by. But where does it end? Where does the freedom come from if we have to watch every word we say, everything we do. If that's your thing, might as well just  join a cult :)

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.(MLK) I think we all deserve the freedom of speech and the life that we were granted by our forefathers. For that I am grateful and sorry for those of us who don't get a second chance. No one is perfect. At least he's not suggesting we build a wall. :) 

Sullivan out. Peace. 

Look What I Found

"Somebody who loves me someone who cares. Another piece of my heart lying on the ground."

I was talking to a friend this morning. He asked how I was. I said I'd been running around, working a lot, and two of my best friends and two of their kids all have birthdays in a three week span. I told Jay yesterday maybe it was better to be in the cult because birthdays are a lot of work.

Jay has always been so overboard on the holidays with me. Perfect Christmas trees that we put up in November and take down in January. Perfect presents. He always said he felt so sad I didn't get to have holidays growing up. I didn't understand why he was sad. For me it was just par for the course. It took me a long time to catch up with even remembering when the holidays were.

My dad wasn't in the cult so he would give me birthday and Christmas presents. My mother would make me give them back. I was maybe 6?

Being there with my girlfriends kids and seeing pictures, there were presents and cake and candles and happiness. I finally understood why he felt bad for me.

I still don't really feel bad for myself. Because look at what I found. The best friends, the best guy. Real, not fake happiness.

Maybe it's time to let the old life die. :)

Sullivan out.

Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.

Life will be the death of me...

...and you. At this point Chelsea Handler should be paying me to plug her book. But it really is a great title. I'm all about the titles takes me longer to pick one than writing a blog.

So y'all know I'm brutal truth like she is just a little more lady like. What saves people like us is a sense of humour. This past week I was trying to cheer up a friend going through a rough time. But her close friend was too. My best friend says I'm hilarious because no matter what life throws at me I'm always doing triage on all my friends. So we call. And call. And text. She will not pick up. When she finally does, she says I'm not suicidal I just don't want to live anymore. That was the funniest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. So we laughed like real bring tears to your eyes laughter.

You're not allowed to laugh if you've never dealt with depression. I'm a huge mental health advocate I think I've had seven maybe eight therapists? One guy has always been THE ONE. Then this guy in Nova Scotia is my number two. If you've been through it, you know someone can make that comment and it's funny.

The good thing about life is we're all like the ocean. Or maybe just us Pisces. It comes in waves. And I'm on top of a wave right now and maybe next time it'll be me saying something so real. One of us is always on top of the wave in a lifeboat. Our roles go back and forth. But we get to shore together.

End of the day, I believe in women helping each other because we understand each other. Sometimes you meet a good guy who tries to be part of the solution. Who built that lifeboat I pick people out of the water from? It's the nicest guy I ever met. Who cares about my family and friends even if he gets nothing in return. He would open his wallet and take the shirt off his back for anyone who needed it.

I have felt like my friend does now.

I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to live anymore. Look hard enough though, and there's always a reason to get up the next morning. For me it's my boyfriend/man-friend/husband/life partner/lover/whatever you want to call him, my dog, my grandma, my beautiful niece, my friends, my studies, my books...the people who read what I write the list goes on...I have so much to be grateful for.

We aren't getting out of here alive. Might as well be real, be honest, live well, die well. I tip my hat to Chelsea for writing such an honest book.

All of us are Game of Thrones cult kids. So I deflected. I was like new season starts Sunday lets make a deadline and place our bets on who will take the Throne. And you know what? We all had tons of laughs and made it through the last few days on text message and video calls.

I think she feels better.

It's that easy to be an ally to someone suffering from depression. Don't tell them they are being too emotional, make them laugh. When I've gone through it in the past, Jay always says "we got this". Knowing someone has your back even if it's possible your character will kill their character in the final season of games makes you keep fighting. Cause you have backup. Him and I? We dress up like I'm Uma and he's one of the crazy 88s every Halloween (Kill Bill) we kinda look like them in the movie. So we are basically trying to kill each other once a year. People cheer at us on the street and yell KILL BILL! because it's actually really funny and yes that yellow jumpsuit cost me a lot but was totally worth it to never ever have to wear heels on Halloween.

Then we live to see another day. Except you girls are all going down in this final Season. I'm taking the Throne. :) 

I never do this anymore but here's your "Friday morning life is good" song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDcTyyXQb8

"People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one, and we've just begun.. Even though we aint got money I'm so in love with you hunny. Everything is going to be alright. Everything will bring a chain of love. Now I see a family where there once was none." Good song. We haven't just begun. We've been up and down this road for almost a decade. This time is different. Lindsay says I love everyone and I do, but I'm through with the game. Life led me back to him. From now on...I love Jay more than anyone except Max and Grandma. And now I have a niece. And a family. He's end game, this life. I believed love never dies, but it does and then eventually like spring it starts again. New. We re-wrote the stars because we are not supposed to end up together.

This guy will build me as many lifeboats as I need so we're all okay until life is the death of us :)

Sullivan (Snow/the Bride) out. If you've never watched those shows you won't get the reference. 

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness of Being Happy

I feel sorry for millenials. All true forms of art seem to be dying off with our childhood heroes. And we're not kidding anyone, we came way before the millenials. Bowie, Prince, Michael Jackson *oh yah i totally went there* everyone who has ever written a book worth reading? Dead. Except Margaret Atwood and I have some suspicions that she's actually dead pretending to be alive, I met her (she's dead).  I was looking at books at a book store the other day. They had roughly drawn stick pictures in them. I'm like this make the New York Times? *she shakes her head* and remembers she has overdue library books.

I'm as much to blame as anyone else. Everyone is like, you're a writer? Yes. You have a book? Yes. Is it hidden in some secret file on my computer that I intent to leave a letter with the instructions on how to find it with Jay for when I die? Yes.

When I get upset, I don't say, I'm feeling conflicted. I need to take some time to figure out the most positive course of action. One that will enable me and those I care for to successfully navigate this situation and ensure the best possible outcome.

I send my best a friend a text that says "FML". While I truly love the eff word deeply, I'm not using my better words anymore.

You know what's a great word? Melancholy. 

On that note, I tolerate my MBA, with only one course left after this one, I don't care anymore. I'm struggling to figure out why I cared in the first place. All that time and money. Will those three little letters after my name change anything? NO. Life doesn't care if you are smarter than someone else. The jdubs discourage education which is why I went ALL THE WAY. What I learned was I was always this smart and now I've spent so much money just to prove it to other people, who let's be honest, don't give a fuck.

Charisma, courage, passion, those are what you should do an MBA in. I'm so bored with myself, I don't know how other people even put up with me. Like let me help you with your marketing strategy, throw me a math problem I can't solve or a business I can't turn around by working your assets and assessing your balance sheets. Boring.

Today, I am definitely supposed to be writing a paper. Instead? I lure my boyfriend/manfriend/lifepartner/husband whatever you want to call him to kensignton market so I can buy sage to burn all the negative energy out of our place and get new earrings. I really just wanted to go to Blackbird Baking and Courage my Love and all the places that stole all the best names.

Then we got Vietnamese food and we're running late. So I'm like just drop me off at the market (the other market) cause Ken would would be very upset if I didn't show on a Saturday. Dudes there alone. I'm like where's Robin? She couldn't work. I've offered 17 million times to work for free on the weekends. I jump behind the cash and start ringing people in and packaging flowers. Sweep the floors and take out the garbage. Yes, I love my marketing job. Yes, I'm somewhat important. You cannot however compete for working in a flower shop for minimum wage. I was so lucky I got to do that. Coming home and your whole place smells like beauty and hope.

Some guy was saying shit about our green roses which are actually my favorite and I wanted to punch him. That's your passion, charisma and courage. But the customer is always right. I have an MBA bud. These green ish roses are amazing and by the way, I know your girlfriend and in her culture those white ones mean death and she believes it. Have fun with buying those. :)

Life is more fun when it's fun. Bur damn tomorrow I gotta stop breathing in the flowers and write that paper. Finish line is in sight. Hey, I still remember how to use my words so I'm betting on that to get me through to the other side. My massage therapist is like why do you hate yourself so much? Your body doesn't like you. You'll probably come in here next time saying you're doing your PhD. NO EFFING WAY. Thanks for looking out for me though Craig. :)

PS. I get over this, I might do my PhD, (I'm so so so sorry Jay) cause I've always thought I'd be a great therapist. But definitely a long enough break is planned where I will be the best partner and dog mom and make up for this MBA mess. 

Sullivan out.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

This is about Nothing.

well it's happened. i feel like i need to write, but i have nothing to say. not entirely true, i have lots of things to say. but there are thing i protect and won't talk about, like family and friends. unless it's positive. if you want to know who in my family has the worst secrets (and it's a toss up, spoiler alert!) you'll have to wait for the book, which will only be published after i die. :)

speaking of death, jay was amazed last night to hear i'd already planned every detail if max's funeral. hey, he's a big dog, he's not doing to live forever. i've planned my funeral, why shouldn't i plan his? his is going to be so much cuter than mine. when all you do is work and study sometimes your mind wanders.

i'm a planner. i figure i feel too much, been through too much. i'm a pisces, so whatever you feel about anything, double that, add in some drama and then double it again. if max just dropped dead they'd probably have to put me in a psych ward. he is the best thing that ever happened to me. that homeless helpless huge puppy. i always call him my love because he is. with my funeral no one is coming. (except a very small guest list, you're probably not on it and i've paid jay to get bouncers.) max though, is everyone's dog and it would be selfish of me not to share the grief this time. so i plan it now, halfway thorough his life and i get 5 years to come to peace with it. which we all know i never will but at least i'll be better prepared.

turns out, both my "kids" are almost exactly me. max is having a sleepover party tonight so i'm home alone with rosie. she kinda scares me. if max exudes the please love me, i'll do anything for you side of me, rosie is the other side of the bed. hey, i know how to stand up for myself and i've been doing it for years. that's why y'all love me right? i've done the brave honest thing till it hurt. rosie takes it one step further. i could learn a thing or two from that tiny little kitten. jay says rosies' go-to is: lick, lick, BITE. she's your friend. until she's not. then she makes you bleed. for all my friends with kids, this excludes children, she respects them and would never bite your child. please don't be afraid to come over.  

in the end, she spends a lot of time in her cage. she'll scratch until you bleed, then go pee on your bed. she'll eat your flowers just because she knows you love them more than anything else in the home. stuff you don't care about? she'll never touch it. but she WILL destroy your roses. the cage never teaches her a lesson. it's almost like she likes it in there, quiet time alone to contemplate how she'll take over the world. she becomes totally calm. it's disturbing. she is however very loving and loyal to her half-life partner (cause cats never die) max.

at the end of the day, all i can say is thank the universe i have a boyfriend / man-friend/ lover/ husband/ best friend whatever you want to call him, who would notice i was missing if i died and come find me before rosie ate half my face because i wasn't able to feed her. this whole blog is very morbid but if you were in my messed up head, you'd think it's really funny. i'm laughing :)

sullivan out.

Cockroach

It's been awhile. Anyways, sorry but I've been really busy. Let's just do this quick. So I'm talking to my ex boyfriend tonight (it's his birthday) and yesterday was my birthday so we're both very Pisces. Somehow in conversation I said, Yesterday Jay said I was like a cockroach.

Him: Does he ever say nice things about you?

Me: That was totally a compliment.

Now, should I see a cockroach in my apartment? Not a good thing. But you have to respect those little mother f*ers. One of these days, the end of the world is going to come. And you know who is going to survive? The cockroaches. You can try to kill them. You can poison them. You can cut their heads off. They will stay alive. That's what they do.

If one message to you is my only purpose in life here it is: I've been to purgatory, I've looked Hell itself in the face. I'm still here. I'm still happy. :)

Of course there was a snowstorm on my birthday. The weather was crazy. Friends are cancelling plans. The whole time, I'm just thinking, bring it on. When/if (that's a big if) I'm not around anymore, please remember, you weather the storms and eventually life gives you a break. Right now, I love my job. I have the perfect dog. Awesome friends, the best boyfriend. I know none of these things will last forever and that it has taken a decade to rebuild a life I left. I feel like my head got cut off and I was wandering around without one for awhile. (btw what do cockroaches do when you cut their head off? do they grow a new head?)

It's good and it's sad at the same time but I'm starting to forget them. Even my family. I try to bring up their voices in my head sometimes and I can't. All the photo albums are in storage, I don't look at them. I'm the marketing person for my firm now and we need to spend a lot of money to get new sites photographed and I thought for a second oh my sister is trying to do a photography business maybe I should get her the job. Then I remembered, I can't, because she shuns me. She wouldn't pick up the phone call.

I wonder how they would feel to know they aren't punishing me anymore because I almost forget they exist. They are there, like characters in a book you wish you had never read but you had to read it to get to the place you're in today. (Kinda like every textbook I've read for my MBA :)

My family was my MBA in life. There's a few good ones left (Grandma!) but for the most part, I honestly don't need anyone who doesn't believe in me. I think I'm imperfect but at the same time thoughtful and kind and I give anything I have to anyone who needs it. Jay sees that in me. I think that's why he loves me. But he also loves the cockroach who can't be killed no matter what life throws. He tells me I'm the strongest person he's ever met. I don't feel strong. But maybe, just maybe, I am.

One of my most special old life friends always told me, The past is like a rearview mirror. You should check it sometimes to make sure you're in the right lane. But if you stare into it, you'll crash. 

He was right. I learned that the hard way. So take the easy way. Grieve when you need to, but leave the past in the past. Get your head cut off, but grow a new one. A better one. And then, never, ever take for granted your second chance. For me, this IS the afterworld. And it's lovely. :)

Sullivan out.

Weathered

"When I grow old I'll drink and smoke. Like I did when youth stayed."

That was our song. Until I got sick and couldn't really drink anymore. But I'm thinking it's still our song because when (not if) I make it to the part where I'm old, I get to do whatever I want. Shoulda been lights out for me a long time ago. Thanks to him, I'm still here.

I'm way too old to have a boyfriend so let's call him my man-friend. I had a sad day yesterday and I got sad enough to get a new tattoo. It wasn't spur of the moment, I'd thought it out over a year ago but those damn things hurt and I had another hurt I needed to feel less of. So it was the right time.

My arm tattoos are perfectly symmetrical and it always bothered me I only had the anchor on one leg. Like I was off balance. I'm a bit OCD. So I counted the cash in my wallet and figured I could make this work. I had a big picture for a little spot and knew part of it had to be Jay. I found an old card so they could duplicate his handwritting. I think that's pretty romantic.

Asians, right? I'm not racist I love them but they are so uncomfortable with feelings. So he comes home from work and looks at it. He walks away. I'm like, do you like it? He pauses, and then he's like, well its very permanent. No fuck, Sherlock. I'm almost done my MBA, I know what a tattoo is. 

Also, my darling man friend, I know I haven't really been on board. You always have been though. My pets are yours. They probably like you more than they like me. You've saved my life more than once. You call me when I'm in the hospital in the morning to ask what I want to eat that day because you know I'd starve before eating hospital food. I only need to look the right way at something I want and it shows up on my birthday or Christmas. You rub my back and hold my hand when I have panic attacks. You make my life better, my home better, make me laugh and dance in the living room to all our favorite songs. You make me write, which makes me a happier, better version of myself.

I seriously doubt that after all that, you'll ever leave me. If I've decided I'll never leave you either, I know it's scary but that tattoo isn't going away and neither am I. I'm sorry it took me way too long to know we're end-game. I will be loyal and prove it to you. When we're old and weathered this will still be our song. :)

Sullivan out.

Ps Lindsay was like where is Kat in that tattoo? She's dead Lindsay. We gotta move forward. Besides Charlie Rose is a witch kitten who will outlive all of us and probably cast spells if I make her mad.

Beyond the Barricade

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I find myself without a past. I had one person left. (Wait for the book.)

People don't really get my relationship with my therapist. It's taken him a long time to "fix me". Too long in their eyes. I trusted in the process and I trust him. This couldn't have been an easy job. He told me he knew how sad I was that my last old life friend was taken from me by my family, what else did they have left to take? They went for the heart this time. I only blame myself for not seeing it coming from that crew.

Ross said think about it. She was the last link to your old life. You tell me sometimes you wake up confused because you dream you're still JW, you're still in your family, you're still married, you're still with your all old friends. Now, when you wake up it can really just be a dream. Shake it off and get on with your day. They are all GONE.

Would I trade everything for one day back there, in that life? There was a time I would have. Sometimes I call Jay "Travis" (I've never done that with anyone else) and we both pretend it never happened or maybe he doesn't even notice.  Either way, I'm with him. I love him. And with everyone else gone, I've come beyond the barricade and realized on the other side it's not entirely peaceful. It's the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I don't think it's circumstantial that I've been abused and taken advantage of out here. It happens in there too, to a lot of people and everyone should know that. It's me, I'm a different person. No one would have stood up to me before, but then I got broken and it started happening. I hate to say "me too" but it's true. It's happened.

Let's keep moving forward though and see what else is beyond the barricade. I learned the truth about myself. I have learned compassion, I have learned to grow. The finish line is immortal. The moments that define you have already happened and will happen again. And never, ever, ever, die before your death.

Sullivan out.

Don't Look Back in Anger

Spoiler alert: my boyfriend and I fight. Not a lot but sometimes. You see someone when you wake up in the morning, you go to bed with them, you vent about work and decide what to spend money on or what not to, who isn't doing the dishes, what music to listen to...the list goes on...you're gonna fight once in awhile.

It will always end in someone crying (me) and someone shaking their head (him) and then we work it out. We hug and say I love you. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I've ever gotten was "Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and fight."

I fought for a long time against the JWs. Did me speaking out really help some people? Yes it did. Did it help me? Yes it did. One of my girlfriends loves Leah Remini's "exposing the Scientologists" show. She's was like, I think of you every time I watch it. Leah did one last week on the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought it was really well done. It wasn't overly dramatic, it was factual and honest. All cults are essentially the same but she kept saying she couldn't believe how easily they tear families apart. It is so unnatural.

I got through half the show, then I made Jay watch the rest of it with me. He was like, I know them, I know what you've been through. He does. But he watched it and now he knows it better. I held it together, although any time they showed a clip of the videos the governing body puts out  (aka those super secret crazy rich 12 guys who run the Watchtower) I would cringe. They are so sketchy and I'm not going out on a limb saying they kind of seem clinically insane.

The thing that got me was the ending. They asked the people (ex-jws) who had come forward on the show to tell their stories what they would say if they could send JUST ONE message to their families who shun them. It was the same thing over and over. No anger, no hate. Just that they loved them and if there was any chance of reconciliation they would welcome that. But they just couldn't go back.

It's taken me 8 and a half years. I can honestly say that besides those creepy Watchtower dudes I have no anger towards any one of them. Some days I still look back. There is a sadness that will never go away. But I've moved on. Now, I have a completely perfect, imperfect little family now who are just like me. Trying to do the best in whatever situation that comes up and cuddling up together at night to feel safe and warm.

That's something that makes me smile every single day, that reinforces what I already know - I made the right decision. The only choice. And that's something I'll always stay up and fight for. Because, if I do, I know it's a happy ending. :)

Sullivan out.

Fake Plastic Love

I've always been a romantic. Until nine years ago when my life went upside down, then I became a cynic. The little girl who used to hide under trees at her dads place in the country to write stories disappeared. I started writing again after that, but it was angry. What can I say? It's always been my release and the JWs really needed to be exposed. Fortunately, a lot of other people started to think that too and I don't feel like it's my battle anymore.

The funny thing about romance and love - any kind of love: family, friends, boyfriends...it can look like the real thing, feel like the real thing. Doesn't count for anything if it's not. Don't get me wrong, nice gifts, fancy dinners, expensive hotels...all perfectly nice. Having a girlfriend who tells you you're her best friend and feels like you're a sister to her...is nice.

Trying to figure out which people are genuine and the ones who are fake can wear you out. Who is using you and who is just in it because at the end of the day, they really do love you.

I know y'all are tired of hearing about my boyfriend. We are not perfect. We've been in and out, on and off for years. I didn't think he was romantic enough. I didn't think he said "I love you" enough. But the devil is always in the details.

I wasn't allowed to watch soap operas before (another fun JW fact - no soap operas) but somehow between three jobs and doing an MBA I've got myself hooked on a Spanish telenovella. At first I was always rolling my eyes about how dramatic it was but then I realized my life has been pretty damn dramatic too. (Without all the murdering of course.)

Anyways, the girl had to pick between two guys. The rich, suave, probably hits the gym about 16 hours a day guy or the nice guy. I'm always rooting for the nice guy. He's smart, he always says the right thing, he's loyal to a fault. I've been with both kind of guys, many times.

It's Thanksgiving right? I love this holiday. Because it's not about presents (which I also love) or over the top anything, it's just about being grateful for what we have. Jay came home last night with a huge turkey. Things haven't really been going my way and I wasn't planning on cooking all day. I told him all my friends are with their families for Thanksgiving and it was too much. Side point: I don't have a family. He just said well, look across the street. You've got a dozen homeless people in that park. We'll invite everyone and if they're all with their families we'll share what we have with those people who don't have anything. Still wondering why I root for the nice guy?

It's never fake, or plastic or perfect even. But I always know where I stand and whether or not I'm loved for just being me. Fake wears me out. Truth keeps me with a small amount of hope that I'm okay, that everything is okay. That's the way it always ends in the telenovellas, doesn't it? I do my best but I can't be who you want me to be all the time, that's why I left the cult right? :)

Sullivan out.

It's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.

I have ruined my boyfriend. We're addicted to the new Anne of Green Gables show. Last night we were up until 3:30 am. We never do that. We weren't partying, drinking. It was just every time an episode ended we looked at each other and were like "one more?".

Fucking Nexflix. The critics were right. This is not your typical Anne. (Y'all will only know what I'm talking about if you're from PEI.) It's dark. But I like it. Everyone has a past. It's kind of romantic if you put it in the right light. Which means, maybe we cry. Maybe we have flashbacks and nightmares. And maybe we run away sometimes. 

I think it makes him feel better to know all girls from PEI are slightly unique. I mean that in a good way. Doesn't affliction and hard work build character?

In the beginning I thought he was just trying to appease me. Then I saw that he loved this show as much as me. Of course he's heard all the stories. PEI is a special place to grow up. I feel grateful to have had a childhood with acres of trees to hide under while I read my books and wrote my stories. 

At the end of the day, I've always been an introvert. I pretended not to be for a long time. I finally feel like it doesn't matter anymore. 

My dad has always said you can count the number of real friends you have in life on one hand. That's more than enough for me. The introvert-fake extrovert never really cared to have so many pretend friends as desperately as I wanted to be liked.

There are a precious few people I would take a bullet for. Before I would do it for anyone. People got used to that. Call Margaux. She'll show up and take care of whatever you need. I'm slowly slowly learning to say no. To the people who wouldn't do that for me.

We need to give back, I believe in that 100%. Bring what you have to the world and my good friend the Universe always makes sure I have what I need. I can honestly say, I have never been happier in my life than I am in this moment. I feel like I'm surrounded in love. Not from everyone but that's an impossible target. I go to bed at night with a dog who makes me smile and a guy who has been my most loyal supporter and I have a best friend who is a kindred spirit.

Girls like me, don't always get a second chance. I did. I'm lucky and I'm gonna run with it. I miss home though. Take me home country roads... :)

Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

In Sunshine or in Shadow

Let's be honest. We all say we don't pick sides. But we do. When my husband, I mean ex-husband, and I broke up, no one was on my side. They weren't allowed to be because of the cult. They also chose not to pick his side because they blamed him for what had happened.

Then I blamed them for not being there for him and it's just a circle that goes around and around.

I had a friend recently who decided she didn't like me anymore. That's fine. Doesn't matter how much effort you put into being a good friend, girls are difficult. And I'm saying that as a feminist.

Say what you want about me. She said so many awful things that I wouldn't even put into writing because they don't matter. I didn't respond.

So she picked the other side. She went after my boyfriend. That's where I draw the line. It was one thing when she said it over text. Then over email. But then she left a voicemail. All saying the same terrible things about him. When there's really nothing terrible to say.

And I'll tell y'all right now, you go after me, whatever. I'm used to it. I man up. You go after the guy who takes care of me when no one else does, the guy who takes y'all out for dinner and pays for everything, the guy who drives you home when you've been drinking, the guy who walks your kid, the guy who gives you big hugs, the guy who has never been anything but kind and generous and sweet to you? Watch out bitch. You'd better not come near me again.

He's been there for me in sunshine or in shadow. No matter what happens in life, he's always like, "we've got this". And not just me. A lot of us. So let's stop hating and shut up Lindsay.

It's really too bad because he does love your baby.

Sullivan out.

Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

When They Go Low

"When they go low, we go high." - Michelle Obama

I have been having the weirdest time lately. Someone, who, because I am taking the high road, will not be named, I thought she was one of my best friends. I think she must be a very unhappy person. And apparently a bully.

You know that thing about how if someone is always saying shit about everyone else to you, they are probably doing it to you behind your back? It's true. They're not just confiding in a friend, they are actually just mad at everyone.

In the past few days I've received numerous (like 40) messages saying just go die bitch, you're a terrible writer, you're a dirty toilet seat that men like to piss on. You left the JWs for a guy who doesn't give a shit about you. You're dried up and delusional and your boyfriend is awful. Seriously?

The boyfriend who drives you home at the end of the night and takes your kid for walks and buys you nice dinners and has always been kind to you. Hmmm. My other friends are apparently even worse. There's not one nice thing to say about any of them. This one spends too much money (hey red!), this one doesn't work hard enough (hey blonde!), this one who just uses you (hey former roomie!). Coming from someone I babysit for, for free at 6:30 in the morning while she goes to work and doesn't claim the money to the government while she's on support.

Jay just holds me while I cry and doesn't understand why it hurts so much. C'mon buddy doesn't a dirty toilet seat get to have feelings? :)

It hurts because I thought she was my friend. And being on the outside I've been careful about who I let into my life.

Anyways, I'm moving on. Have I made mistakes in life? More than I can count. But I'm trying really hard to be a good person. And those other friends? They are loyal and kind and would never say those kind of things about me, even if they thought them, which I don't think they do.

I think Michelle said that quote while she was supporting Hilary's campaign. Trump still won. Sometimes hate wins. But once I lick my wounds, I will keep working towards a better world for all of us that doesn't accept this kind of behavior. We have to take the high road and maybe we can inspire others to follow our lead.

And fuck you, my former bestie, I think I'm a damn good writer.

Sullivan out.

Mommy Dearest

Got my yearly email from my birth mother. Y'all should know how dangerous I am by now. That's what apostates are right?

She means well. She just wants me to come back to Jehovah. It was funny though, this was the first time she tried to differentiate Him from the organization. It's just Jehovah, it's not the organization. Like saying, it's just Hitler, it's not the Nazis. You can trust him. What about all the child abuse cases in the media about how the JWs covered it all up?

The usual about how much I'm hurting her and my sister with my choice to stay away. Was it me who decided to sell of all my cherished family heirlooms for pennies to the JWs and not give me a chance to keep anything from my past so she could show up here a few days before she moved to Panama? With a box filled with my old report cards and all the gifts I'd ever given her?

Or to be my sister? Who invited me to her wedding and I said ARE YOU SURE? and she was like absolutely, you're my sister! So I saved up $700 for a present and bought a dress I couldn't afford and then she shows up the week before and says well the elders said you can't come.

But I'm the one hurting them. Of course I am.

She asked me to come to the district convention and I said, you know there's always a discourse on staying away from apostates and I'll be shunned all weekend? She said I should stop being sarcastic. Can I get a hell ya from any of the rest of you outcasts out there that that would be the way it would go?

They are so brainwashed they don't even understand the other side anymore. The reason I identify as an apostate is that they labelled me that. And to be honest, it's not like either of the two of them are sitting there with angel wings.

I told her I had the best friends. That my friends have been there for me through everything. That if I left I would have to give them up. She said you've been sick, you must be unhappy. I said well you and Erin have been going around for years telling people you're both dying so maybe you're not happy either.

My kinda on and off boyfriend always says we all live lives of quiet desperation. I'm not. And mum, unfortunately, I'm too busy to go to the district convention. You can send me the notes. I won't read them. I do love you though.

Sullivan out.

Adam

Sneak peek. I'm finally writing my book. I decided to call all the chapters by peoples names. You can tell me if that's a good idea, leave a comment. Apparently though you have to have their consent or if not change their names. So Adam is reviewing this one. 

Adam

When I met my ex-husband, I was still in the cult. I thought, this is as good as it gets. I was 16. Even if our marriage was far from perfect, I still think that having grown up the way he did, he was a pretty good person.

Not a good husband.

I married him but I wasn’t in love. On the outside, we were perfect. On the inside I was dying. I’m a romantic. He had every excuse in the book to not come home. Hockey, golf, boy’s nights.

I was at a point in my life where I was questioning the Jehovah’s Witnesses belief system. But of course you can never talk about that, or you will be labelled an apostate and shunned by all family and friends. Which did happen to me. But before that…

I met Adam.

We were work friends for two years. He was someone I could finally talk to about the truth. In my other life, nothing you ever did was good enough. Taking care of all these people, volunteering all your time. Didn’t matter, you just had to work harder. Be better. You are never good enough. Especially if you’re a woman.

Adam loved me just the way I was and with all my imperfections. We could talk about anything for hours. It happened organically and we never officially crossed the cheating line. Except I did because I fell so in love with him that I finally found the strength to give up everything and everyone else for the chance that we’d end up living in a house on the beach and having strawberry blonde children.

Every time I walked into the office my heart would beat faster. Every time I got a message on my phone I hoped it was him. I had never felt that way about anyone. 

Stuart, my ex-boss/ex-boyfriend took me out for drinks one night while this all was happening and he said Mahhhhgaux (he’s British) married men never leave their wives.

Adam is smart. He is handsome. And kind. And as much as I tell myself he never really loved me I think he did. When it was over, I tried to kill myself. After everything I had lost, I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it. Without the beach house and those kids.

Whatever the outcome was, Adam was my BIG love and the catalyst that got me to wake up and get out of the cult. I will always love him for that. I owe him my second life.

About Last Night...

I've been off work for awhile. It's surprisingly difficult to find a job in Toronto. When my last contract was ending I decided not to stay. 100K a year is not worth being entirely miserable every single day.

I've found something new. Way less money but enough to pay the bills and the people seem genuinely kind.

Being off work meant I never had to do my hair, put on makeup or get dressed up. I just lived in yoga pants and went for dog walks and watched netflixs. But my boyfriend works opposite hours of me when I'm corporate so he wanted to take me out to dinner last night since we're never going to see each other again.

So I prettied up. I put on makeup and a nice dress and he was like, you look so beautiful. And I said, am I also a good person? He said, I think you're trying to be a good person. It's a half compliment. He's right though. When I left the JWs I was so lost. I had so much anxiety. Anger, sadness. I made bad decisions and I hurt people. Especially him.

The anxiety stays but the rest is gone. They all still show up all the time in my dreams even if I don't think about them all day. My mother and my sister the most. But I've moved on, even if my subconscious hasn't caught up yet.

So we had steak and lobster and celebrated and I really feel especially lucky to have such great people in my life. I wouldn't trade it in for a return to the cult any day of the week. :)