Cockroach

It's been awhile. Anyways, sorry but I've been really busy. Let's just do this quick. So I'm talking to my ex boyfriend tonight (it's his birthday) and yesterday was my birthday so we're both very Pisces. Somehow in conversation I said, Yesterday Jay said I was like a cockroach.

Him: Does he ever say nice things about you?

Me: That was totally a compliment.

Now, should I see a cockroach in my apartment? Not a good thing. But you have to respect those little mother f*ers. One of these days, the end of the world is going to come. And you know who is going to survive? The cockroaches. You can try to kill them. You can poison them. You can cut their heads off. They will stay alive. That's what they do.

If one message to you is my only purpose in life here it is: I've been to purgatory, I've looked Hell itself in the face. I'm still here. I'm still happy. :)

Of course there was a snowstorm on my birthday. The weather was crazy. Friends are cancelling plans. The whole time, I'm just thinking, bring it on. When/if (that's a big if) I'm not around anymore, please remember, you weather the storms and eventually life gives you a break. Right now, I love my job. I have the perfect dog. Awesome friends, the best boyfriend. I know none of these things will last forever and that it has taken a decade to rebuild a life I left. I feel like my head got cut off and I was wandering around without one for awhile. (btw what do cockroaches do when you cut their head off? do they grow a new head?)

It's good and it's sad at the same time but I'm starting to forget them. Even my family. I try to bring up their voices in my head sometimes and I can't. All the photo albums are in storage, I don't look at them. I'm the marketing person for my firm now and we need to spend a lot of money to get new sites photographed and I thought for a second oh my sister is trying to do a photography business maybe I should get her the job. Then I remembered, I can't, because she shuns me. She wouldn't pick up the phone call.

I wonder how they would feel to know they aren't punishing me anymore because I almost forget they exist. They are there, like characters in a book you wish you had never read but you had to read it to get to the place you're in today. (Kinda like every textbook I've read for my MBA :)

My family was my MBA in life. There's a few good ones left (Grandma!) but for the most part, I honestly don't need anyone who doesn't believe in me. I think I'm imperfect but at the same time thoughtful and kind and I give anything I have to anyone who needs it. Jay sees that in me. I think that's why he loves me. But he also loves the cockroach who can't be killed no matter what life throws. He tells me I'm the strongest person he's ever met. I don't feel strong. But maybe, just maybe, I am.

One of my most special old life friends always told me, The past is like a rearview mirror. You should check it sometimes to make sure you're in the right lane. But if you stare into it, you'll crash. 

He was right. I learned that the hard way. So take the easy way. Grieve when you need to, but leave the past in the past. Get your head cut off, but grow a new one. A better one. And then, never, ever take for granted your second chance. For me, this IS the afterworld. And it's lovely. :)

Sullivan out.

Far from the Shallows

I'm in the deep end.

And I think, a holding pattern for now. My boyfriend likes to say nothing is ever enough for me. Not what I put on him or others, just what I do to myself. I think I like being in my 40s. One of my co-workers was talking about his wife doing an PhD and how some people just "do it on a whim". That's totally what I did with the MBA. I read a news article online about how Jehovah Witness children are the least educated out of all the cults. I was turning 40 and I thought, let's see about that. Not that an MBA is a big deal anymore, everyone seems to have one. All those millennials with trust funds and rich parents, they are kids who never want to actually work. But the MBA is a process that proves you can show up consistently and do a big job.

After all those years working corporate in a suit I got a chance at a job where we wear jeans and leave at 5 and can bring our dogs to the office and get 5 weeks vacation. Hello, Universe? I believe in you. You had my back all along. I went to church today, I don't think the two can't be intertwined.

Let me preface this by saying I'm not a church girl anymore. I'm poly-amorous when it comes to religion. Like hey, all the white people are doing yoga in temples and all the Asians are at my catholic church. There is NO EASY ANSWER. Maybe there's no answer at all. Except we try to be good people. We surround ourselves by positive energy and love. We work hard. We keep our head above water, even in the deep end.

I went early for confession. I went on my knees ."Forgive me Father for I have sinned." I was baptized Catholic so he kinda owes me one. He said what have you done? I said I've lost my faith. It threw me off center and I hurt people in the process that I didn't mean to hurt.

Now were we in JW territory? I would have been interrogated to death with embarrassing details. Then publicly shamed and shunned. I got one say "Our Father" and forgiven. Go in peace.

He said it's been what, 10 years? That's when I started to wonder if the whole Universe is not more connected than we think it is. Yes, exactly ten years. Then he quoted me Psalms the first. The same one the priest leading the service read first. Totally weird yes, but what I took away from that is someone, I don't know who, is watching over me. We were in bed last night and my guy is like, I think you'll outlive me. Absolutely not darling, I keep almost dying. Him: Yes, but you never do... you're unbreakable. (now I think he's scared of me).

Jay is wrong. This, what I have now, is enough for me. I don't think I've ever been this happy. I don't expect to swim back to the shallows. It's easy and safe, I picked the other, scarier, harder choice and it hasn't let me down. Worth it.

Sullivan out.