Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.

Adam

Sneak peek. I'm finally writing my book. I decided to call all the chapters by peoples names. You can tell me if that's a good idea, leave a comment. Apparently though you have to have their consent or if not change their names. So Adam is reviewing this one. 

Adam

When I met my ex-husband, I was still in the cult. I thought, this is as good as it gets. I was 16. Even if our marriage was far from perfect, I still think that having grown up the way he did, he was a pretty good person.

Not a good husband.

I married him but I wasn’t in love. On the outside, we were perfect. On the inside I was dying. I’m a romantic. He had every excuse in the book to not come home. Hockey, golf, boy’s nights.

I was at a point in my life where I was questioning the Jehovah’s Witnesses belief system. But of course you can never talk about that, or you will be labelled an apostate and shunned by all family and friends. Which did happen to me. But before that…

I met Adam.

We were work friends for two years. He was someone I could finally talk to about the truth. In my other life, nothing you ever did was good enough. Taking care of all these people, volunteering all your time. Didn’t matter, you just had to work harder. Be better. You are never good enough. Especially if you’re a woman.

Adam loved me just the way I was and with all my imperfections. We could talk about anything for hours. It happened organically and we never officially crossed the cheating line. Except I did because I fell so in love with him that I finally found the strength to give up everything and everyone else for the chance that we’d end up living in a house on the beach and having strawberry blonde children.

Every time I walked into the office my heart would beat faster. Every time I got a message on my phone I hoped it was him. I had never felt that way about anyone. 

Stuart, my ex-boss/ex-boyfriend took me out for drinks one night while this all was happening and he said Mahhhhgaux (he’s British) married men never leave their wives.

Adam is smart. He is handsome. And kind. And as much as I tell myself he never really loved me I think he did. When it was over, I tried to kill myself. After everything I had lost, I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it. Without the beach house and those kids.

Whatever the outcome was, Adam was my BIG love and the catalyst that got me to wake up and get out of the cult. I will always love him for that. I owe him my second life.

Rewrite the Stars

Yes, I have been on hiatus. It was an awful winter. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

But here I am. I've been feeling depressed again. It's recent. As in this week. I love how unpredictable it can be. You go through all this really hard shit and most people aren't  really there for you, yet you're fine. Then...once you finally start to feel a little bit better...WHAM! You're depressed again. I don't like talking about it. Not because I'm not a huge advocate for mental health, y'all know I am. I'm also me. I'm proud. To me it feels like a weakness to admit it.

I told my guy today I was struggling. He was like, I'm depressed too. I just looked at him. I'm pretty sure he was joking. I thought, I would be too if I had me for a girlfriend. He's like the guy who you wish all your other boyfriends had been but weren't and that's why you are still single.

"They" say depression is all in our head. Like they are superior. Like their heads are better, stronger places to be. My brother says that all the time but I think living in his head must be a fucking mess. :)

I think what works as healing for each of us is different but for me, I know I'm usually in that place because I feel like I'm not good enough. That idea was ingrained in me since I was able to talk. With the Witnesses you're never good enough. Never. No matter what.

Now, I feel like I should be able to snap my fingers and get over my past life. Today I had to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to not be okay.

They had 32 years of brainwashing on me. Somehow, I found the strength to walk away and not go back. That leaves me with about half my life to re-write the story and figure out who the hell I am, what I want to do and who I want to do it with.

The thing about Big Dreams, like starting over, is you have to do them for yourself. I couldn't have stayed for Travis, I couldn't have left for Adam. I had to do it for me. When I was ready. Alone.

We were at the beach with Max this afternoon and Jay looks at me and says you need to go. And I was like, I've been writing in my head. (He encourages this even though I'm always silently talking to myself.) Next he says, you'll call it rewrite the stars. How did he know that?

But we can. We can start over. We can rewrite. We can take the path we're on that makes us miserable and turn a corner. Pick up some strays and create your own new destiny.

It's never going to be perfect and from experience, not usually easy. Last night I cried and I was like what did I do this all for? I wrecked my life. Jay just said, "You wanted to be free. Now you are."

He's right. They gave more than enough time to rethink my decision to rewrite my life. I wouldn't change anything. And that's what I need to remind myself of on those odd sad Saturday mornings.

I am brave. I am free. This is who I was meant to be. This is me. 

Ps. Since we're talking about our journey being written in the stars, check out Kyla's new Zodiac Collection - buy a mala!!

Mother's Day 2017

I’ve always kept a diary. Well, until I started writing a blog. As long as I can write, get it out, I’m good.

I love my mother, I always will. We are so different though and we never really connected. I’m too much like my dad. I don’t think like her, I don’t look like her. I’m all Sullivan. She makes me miserable and I don’t understand fully what I did to deserve all that hate. When I left the cult, I put a nail in the coffin of that relationship.

Fortunately for me, I had a back up. When my dad remarried, I wasn’t happy about it. I was a kid who wanted her parents together. I went through my old journals and at somewhere around 8 years old I wrote “ Today Dad is marrying Helena. I guess I just want him to be happy.” Pretty deep for an 8 year old, I think. :)

And she has made him happy. For decades now. She is the loving and supportive wife my dad never had with my mom. She makes me happy too. Helena, who is now Mom to me, fits into the family like she was always there.  And she has been there way longer than she wasn’t.

She gave all of us a gift in Matthew, the only sibling I have who still talks to me. He’s become a wonderful man and I love him dearly.

Mom and I, we’re both aspiring writers. I’m more serious when I write, she puts fun into everything. She loves to make people laugh and she takes the darkest situations and turns them into something we can cry laughing about. That’s a talent I wish I had!

She’s my support, my friend and the mother I never had. She can anticipate what I want before I want it and she ALWAYS puts everyone else before herself. She’s a dedicated, caring daughter, a loving and loyal wife, a mother who fiercely protects her children as much as is possible. She’s the most fun grandma I know. (Except you Grandma - I think you're the most awesome Grandma to me.) Helena's not my grandma she's my mom so a little disclaimer there!

She's definitely beautiful inside and out. A blessing to our family in every way. And her spaghetti isn’t bad either : )

I love you mom. I’m grateful that I can talk to you about books, about writing, about boys, about work,  about pretty much everything I need to talk about. I’m grateful that you put up with me. I’m grateful you drag me to church once or twice a year.  I’m grateful that you never give up on any of us. I’m grateful for the joy you bring to our lives. I’m grateful for you. Happy Mother's Day. 

Sullivan out.

Bird by Bird

I know what you're going to say and you're right. I haven't written anything lately. I think I have writer's block. So instead I've spent countless hours coloring this picture for you and reading this book on writing. But my ADD must have set in and I doubt I'll finish either of them anytime soon, so it is what it is and "you're welcome"!

Y'all should actually just be happy that the entire bird isn't black. That was an option. I don't really feel like that anymore. For people who struggle with depression and anxiety the darkness comes and goes. For me, it's still here sometimes, it might never go away. But with more and more of us being open, building a community where we feel comfortable talking about our struggle and then also celebrating our successes, together we are making progress.

Don't doubt that and don't feel like you're alone. What I've learned is that sometimes we're in the light. We use those times to shine it on others who might need a little help. When we're in the darkness and they are in the light, they'll return the favour.

Yes, that coffee mug does say " Write like a Motherfucker" in the shape of a heart. It was a gift from someone I dearly love. Another friend bought me the coloring book. My friends get me.

And I would totally recommend the book: Bird by bird written by Anne Lamott if you're looking for some writing tips.

Also, if anyone wants to buy me a pencil sharpener that would be awesome. I don't even know where to get one. It's 2016. Do people still have pencil sharpeners? :)

Have yourself an awesome day. And be kind. Everyone you know is fighting their own battle.

Sullivan out.

The Confines of Fear

"I've been worrying that my time is a little unclear. I've been worrying that I'm losing the ones I hold dear. I've been worrying that we all live our lives in the confines of fear." - Ben Howard

Week three back at work. Gawd, I'm tired. My doctor warned me to stop sleeping so much a week before I went back. Did I listen? Nope. I feel like I'm catching up on years of sleep, I love it. :)

It's nice to be back into a routine. I count myself as extremely lucky to be able to walk back in there after 3.5 months and have all the support and care that I've experienced. But I was terrified to go back. It was never a question of whether or not to go back, it was more of a question of if I could combat the fear and be successful again. 

I'm starting to get my groove back. I can't help but think about how many times in life we let ourselves be fenced in by the confines of fear. Work, friendships, relationships, family...it is SO scary to put ourselves out there when we're afraid of failure, disappointment, pain. And so many people choose not to go down that path. It's safer. I'll tell you something though, it's lonelier. 

There are hundreds of good reasons to cut things out of your life. Or maybe just to limit them. I read something once that said not everyone is healthy enough to sit in the front row of your life. So like in a theatre, some people need to be put on the upper balcony. It doesn't mean we don't love them, they just aren't healthy for us. The same could apply to anything we strive for. 

That's different though than refusing to take a chance on someone or something that we might feel we could really want, but are just too afraid to try.  

I feel like it's taken me this long to figure out where my limits are, what I can and can't put up with, what I'm willing to go out on a limb for, what I'm willing to walk away from. The difference now is that I don't make decisions out of fear. I've worried enough for an entire lifetime. 

I went to pick up some groceries today and there was a kid with a sign that said "Homeless and Hungry" outside the store. I bought him a bag of food and bent down to talk to him as I was leaving. It made me sad, he looked so young. 

I've been thinking about him all evening. Because I've been there. Homeless, broke, unemployed. And I think all of us can take tragedy and go either way with it. Either it breaks us so that we're so broken we can't be fixed. Or...we can fight the fear and let those experiences make us stronger, better, more compassionate people then we ever would have been otherwise. Let's face it - it's the theme to every superhero story there ever was. The hero picks the harder, higher road and decides to help other people in peril. The villain may have gone through the same terrible things, but they choose to spiral downward and hurt others. 

I'm confident I will become what I deserve. And the fear is slowly dissipating. I wish the same for you. 

Here and Now

Can't complain about much these days
I believe we'll be ok

Welcome to the weekend. Here's my new favorite Friday night song. I can put money on the fact that it will be my favorite Saturday morning song this week too. I decided to stay in and finish up the two weeks of hell that has been this crazy virus. I managed to go to work this week, so that was an improvement. Hopefully if I lie low this weekend by Monday I'll be back in fighting form. 

I don't have any good stories to regale you with, so I'll just admit I've slipped back into my old habit of dating 28-year-olds. They're never "suits".  They're just fun, happy guys who like to drink beer, stay up too late, dance in the living room, pick you up in the elevator to hold you up over their heads while they kiss you, swoop you up to carry you into the bedroom and love to make out with you right on the street. 

New guy is a ginger, y'all know I love gingers. They all seem to be pretty much interchangeable, it's like dating the same red-headed guy over and over and over again.

It may be because I've been sick for so long, but I'm starting to feel too old for this. Like dating a 28 year old is the same as having a puppy. You never know when they're going to lick your face, bite you or try to hump your leg. But they do have cool jobs (see pic below). I had lunch with 27 today (who is now 28) and he said just wait and see what happens when you get your strength back. He was never a typical 27, he and I have both been through some challenging life circumstances and I think that's why we get each other. 

I've been feeling very optimistic today. I wore my spring coat to lunch for the first time, it wasn't actually freezing out and I can almost imagine the smell of fresh cut grass, that first cold beer on a patio in the sunshine, wearing little summer dresses, taking the ferry to the island and reading a book in the park, getting back out on the yacht in the sun. Where we are right now is not all that bad. We're so close to where we want to be. :)

Right now, there is only one man I'm dying to see - my secret life friend - and he'll be home in a few days. Maybe that's why I feel the the entire season is changing for the better, out of the lonely cold and back into the warm, loving light. Can't wait to crack a bottle of Jameson and tell each other all our stories of this time we've been apart. 

Reporting live from "here and now", 

Sullivan out.