Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

Stand By Me

"When the night has come, and the land is dark. And the moon is only light we'll see. I won't be afraid..."

I've been hanging out with my favorite couple in the dog park the past couple of days.

Them: How was Cuba?

Me: It was great. Exactly what I needed.

Them: This guy must really want to get together with you.

He doesn't. We tried that, like a million years ago. I don't even know how long we've been friends at this point. A long time, since my life only really started about 7 years ago. I was a terrible girlfriend. The worst.

Somehow though, he's stuck with me. Like a lot of people, I hated 2016. I got sick and almost died. At the same time I lost my job. Then, the guy I'd been seeing for months disappeared. He said I was too inconvenient and not "fun enough" when I wasn't well. He didn't even call me once when I was in the hospital for two weeks.

You know who was there though? Jay. Every. Single. Day. And for the two months after that, when I could barely get out of bed and was in pain all the time. The other guy was right, I wasn't much fun.

Jay decided we should get away and start the new year happy. So we did. The first night, we were watching some live music. It was all in Spanish and the guy was an excellent musician. I went up to meet him on one of his breaks and I asked him if he could play a song for us. Without skipping a beat, he smiled and started to play Stand By Me.

It was appropriate. Anytime anything bad happens, Jay shows up. He holds my hand and says "I got you". And he does. There are so many different kinds of love out there. I'm still not used to the unconditional kind. Love doesn't have to be romantic. It just has to be real. This love story is. I'm a happy girl. :)

Sullivan out.

Broken Places

"The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places."

Lindsay loves it when I blog about her so here we go. My friend is focused. She knows what she wants and it's just love at the end of the day. I can't even count how many dates she's been on. (Just dates, don't go thinking all dirty.)

I can't remember everyone's name and sometimes I mix them all up. I usually do not like them. I told one of them that one night. We went for dinner and I just looked at him and said, I don't like you. I was right, he was an asshole, but she was understandably worried when I was coming over to meet her new boyfriend.

He is lovely. Even my jaded, critical mind couldn't find anything wrong with him. He made us dinner and did the dishes so we could have some alone time to catch up. We all want to be loved. Some of us just work harder at it. I don't really date. I hate new people and they always end up being disappointing.

I did date one guy this past year who got to me. In seven years since Adam, no one gets to me. My heart has really huge walls and they are covered in barb wire, unless you are in the inner circle, you don't get in.

He was a very old friend though and I actually loved him. It irritates me how everyone says it wasn't a "real relationship". Yah I'm talking about you, my family. If something feels real to you, all the people who judge you are just noise. Hey, I've spent 7 years on here talking about Adam. I don't care about that anymore. If all this guy did is get me to the other side, good on him.

I told Lindsay they were moving too fast. But, I'm just noise. I want her to be happy and she is. I just can't shake the side of me that doesn't trust anyone anymore. That prefers to be alone rather than to be courageous and put myself out there like she does.

I literally have three people I trust. Four people if we count my therapist. I cherish them. People who I know, in my darkest hour, I can call and they won't judge me. If the depression comes back and I can't leave the apartment, they will walk my dog. And make me eat. Three people is all you really need. :)

Meryl Streep said last night to take your broken heart and turn it into art, My heart has been broken so many times I can't count it anymore. I hate that I still love those people. But I'm working on a book. And the broken places? They are all just blog fodder. I am still cute. I could pretend on social media that I'm perfect. You would never know the truth. I'd rather be honest. That's why y'all still read me right?

Sullivan out.

Sunday mornings are not always easy

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile." - The Princess Bride

I'm not even really sure what I want to say today. But it's Sunday morning so here we go. Yesterday was Donia's birthday. She's been gone five months and I'm still crying this morning. She was one of the best friends I have ever had, ever will have. My ex-boyfriend is practically living at my apartment while we try to make sense of his good friends death last week. Death sucks. Unfortunately as we age, this is part of life. 

Wouldn't it be great if we could go back to being young, no real responsibilities. When work didn't dominate our lives, when we thought we were immortal. Turn back time to the good old days. 

Donia is definitely somewhere special now. She's one of the best people I've ever known. I hope you had a lovely birthday, my darling. True friendship is hard to come by. It's kind of funny, but the first JW I bumped into since disassociating myself the other week from the religion was Celine. 

Celine, Heather, Monique and I were like those girls from Sex and the City. Only we were JWs so we didn't have sex. And we weren't allowed to watch SATC. But we were friends since we were little kids. Inseparable. All bridesmaids in each other's weddings. Except Celine, she never got married. I don't think she really knows how to love - herself or anyone else. 

I saw her on the street a couple of days ago. She did that thing that they all do, look you straight in the face so you know they saw you, then avert their eyes and walk quicker past you. Like they might catch your non-believer disease. There's only one picture I keep up in my apartment from my JW past. It's of the four of us. Two of us got out. And now we get shunned on the street by the people who were supposed to love us. 

It was real. It was good. But it wasn't real good. 

This is what real friendship looks like:

Today will not be the last day I cry for Donia. Or George. I know one thing though. I will love the fuck out of everyone I have left. Be kind to one another. The days are long but the years are short. 

Sullivan out.

A Thousand Suns

I love you with the fierce intensity of a thousand suns.  - Donia Ruel

I had a roomate when I was working with Donia. M. We adopted her quote and wrote it down in notes to each other. And it was true. That's why it was so hard for me to say goodbye to Donia this past year. Love that strong, that loyal and that long standing is hard to replace. Not hard, impossible.

Our friendship outlasted my marriage by 13 years. M and I have been friends for 28 years now. On and off. We were bridesmaids in each others weddings. We wore the same shoes. Donia and I were easy soulmates, we were so alike. M and I were perfect opposites. Besides our taste in the same men, we didn't really have anything in common. She's brunette, I was always blonde. She's a gypsy, I'm more of the planting roots type of girl. There was however the fact that we both loved our coffee in the morning and a glass of wine at night.

One of the things I appreciate about my Jehovah's Witness upbringing was our simple, innocent childhood. I think the worst thing M and I ever did together was "borrow" her dad's truck one weekend and drive to the beach where we camped for the night. Listened to cheesy 90s heavy metal music and probably could have got ourselves killed had there been a serial killer in the area.

There wasn't, and two small town girls ended up in Toronto together. She hated my cat. I hated her sister. We made it work anyway.

I have one other friend of over 20 years that's not part of the crazy cult I left. When she got herself kicked out of the JWs, I shunned her.  When I got kicked out, M shunned me. We all came to our senses at different times in our life and the great thing about this is that none of us held a grudge. We all understood the brainwashing, the need to "obey". But as soon as we each walked away, we knew immediately who to call first to be there for us, to hold our hand and tell us we were doing the right thing. To hold on to a piece of our lost past that is so important to us.

I spent last weekend in Montreal with M. My absolutely lovely ex-boyfriend immediately cancelled the gift he'd ordered for me for Christmas and bought me a train ticket as soon as I mentioned M wanted me to come visit. I can't even really explain what it's like to be with her or K. I love my friends here. I have been extremely lucky with the people I happened to connect with since I've been on the outside. It's different though, being with someone who had the same upbringing as you, someone who knows all the really important people in your life - the ones who are departed - and who you don't have to explain or excuse your crazy to. We watched fireworks at midnight on New Years and went home and watched Anne of Green Gables.

I left Montreal feeling happier than I've felt in almost a year. That I have those connections, that family. The ones who don't have to reach to try to understand me. I was still in my happy haze when I went back to work. I walked out that first day to grab some lunch and I ran into HER. The only one besides my ex-husband and my family that I still miss. I practically raised her, she was my sunshine, my baby. Unfortunately I brainwashed her into the cult and now we're just strangers who pass on the street sometimes.

She gave me a hug and said we should do lunch sometime. I'm pretty sure that was just because she was with her co-workers. There's a lot of complicated rules to being a JW. When you're with "outsiders" you have to pretend to love everyone. When you're on the inside you have to pretend not to care about the outsiders.

I took a chance though and texted her. V just said "Are you okay?" Of course I'm okay, princess. Y'all know I had a really terrible year in 2015. But that's over. The only pain I had to deal with was inflicted by the JWs. And a death. I have countless people to thank that I got to the other side. Family, work, friends. They got me through it. Because my darling V, that's what people do here on the outside. We love and support each other unconditionally. Sometimes it's tough love. But we don't discard people based on their life choices. When you're ready, and you will be because you're my girl, we're all here. Ready to shine out the fierce love of a thousand suns.

Sullivan out.

She Will Be Loved

"Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved." - Maroon 5

One of my girlfriends wanted to see a specific picture from my past life. She wanted to know what my ex-husbands new wife/my ex-friend looks like. I have about 20 photo albums. In my past life I was the one who took all the pictures. The rest of the group probably wishes they had asked for copies. Or maybe they don't since they just want to forget I exist.

My apartment is a mess because I dragged all the boxes out of my closet and there are photo albums I never look at all over the place.

Some people think I should burn them. But I was flipping through them looking for a picture of her (I know I have one) and I realized something. I wasn't crying this time.

All four of my therapists have told me that I got stuck in the sad stage of grief and I had to go through the angry stage to move on to acceptance. I messed up the order because anger is supposed to come before depression. I've had my moments but I don't really stay angry. I came back to Toronto and I was ANGRY. You know how the JWs have those rolling bookcarts on the streets now? They are everywhere in my neighbourhood. I used to hide when I saw one. But after my three month time-out down east, I came back and started yelling at them on the street. I probably seemed crazy. I just don't want them ruining anyone else's life. Plus they don't even have a license to be on the street so I'm pretty sure this kind of harassment is illegal.

My girlfriend's family is in town and so we went out for dinner last night with them and her dad. She has a sister. At one point she said "Did you know my dad calls you daughter #3 when he talks about you?" I looked at him and asked if it was true. He said yes. I guess not all Irish guys are bad for me.

And he's dad #3 to me. My favorite ex's parents and kid adopted me four years ago. His dad signs all his messages to me as "D" because he knows I have a dad and doesn't want to get in his way. He wants me to know though that he's always there for me.

I'm somewhat of a religious mutt. Technically, on paper, I'm a Jehovah's Witness. My therapist said I'm a very bad one and my friends laugh about it, but that's just the way it is. When I was looking through those pictures, I knew I will never burn them. I'll put them back in the boxes. It was such a big part of my life - the first half. Lots of smiles and hugs and beautiful people who I still love. I've said it over and over, it's not the people I blame, it's those billionaires in Brooklyn who control everyone's thoughts, cover up child abuse and tear families and friends apart with their cultish rules.

I relate to the Buddhist philosophies. Those are the books I read now. I wear a Celtic cross around my neck and go to Catholic mass on Christmas Eve every year. I've started praying again. I don't know who I'm praying to, but I'm starting to feel at peace with the chaos of this life. And I'm smiling. :)

I guess I just want to encourage you that if you're in an unhappy situation - abuse, cult, bad marriage, a cheater who lies to you...whatever it is...you can leave. I won't lie. It's years of blood, sweat and tears. It won't be easy. The Jehovah's Witnesses like to quote a passage from the bible that says if you leave your life behind and join them you will find "mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers" to replace the ones you've lost to go be in their crazy environment.

I have that again - here on the outside - although it's taken time. Out east, my family who took care of me when I needed it have proved they would do anything for me. In Toronto, I've got moms, dads, lots of brothers and sisters again and the best ex-boyfriends a girl could ask for.

I am very loved. The sadness and anger will come back sometimes in waves, I know that. But the big steps are over and the nightmares are less frequent. I'm starting to feel strong again and the JWs are not going to like that because I will keep writing. :)

Sullivan out.

Jaybird

Y'all know I'm notorious for staying friends with my ex's. And that I've been through not the greatest time lately. I've been sleeping with a teddy bear, for fucks sake. 

Friday night it started all over again. My friends were downstairs at the bar, I called them, they came up, cleaned up the mess and took me to the ER. 

I have amazing friends. JJ showed up with a bottle of wine for the crew and ordered us all pizza while we sat in the waiting room waiting for someone to do something. They didn't. If you have a medical emergency, do NOT go to St. Mike's hospital. They would rather let you die than do anything to help you. 

Around 5 am we left and went to a real hospital, the kind that actually wants to help you. By lunchtime, I'd lost about 40% of my blood and they were talking about blood transfusions. For an ex-JW that's scary stuff. It all turned out okay though and eventually we came home. JJ was making me a steak to try to up my iron count after the incident, and I walked over and gave him a hug. 

Me: I would have died without you. 

Him: I know. Died in a pool of your own blood. 

Which is a gross way to die. Instead, we got back, he flipped over the mattress, washed the sheets and cooked me a steak. 

I don't think I've been grateful enough for the support, the unconditional love I've received from him and my other friends as well. I totally understand if you want to stop being friends with me, I've been a bit of an inconvenience lately.

But try to stick it out with me. This past month or so has just been a glitch and I'll be back to normal soon enough. I need you. I appreciate you. And I love you oh so much. 

Sullivan out. 

A Few Good Men

I have another funny date story from the weekend. I met up with 27 yesterday (This is a new 27, not the one from last year. He's 28 now, even though I'm still just 27.). :)

We went for brunch, he's super cute but as I had anticipated, a little too 27 for me. We went back to his place which was around the corner and watched funny videos, laughed, talked. He has THREE roomates, guys walking around half naked from the shower in a towel or eating scrambled eggs with way too much ketchup. I accidentally let the cat out and ended up chasing her/him around the block because God forbid I lose a guy's cat on the first date.

As he's surfing the net for fun stuff to watch he pulls up my blog. Apparently I'm not as well hidden as I mean to be. I thought you'd have to at least know my last name to find me on Google but apparently "Margaux+blog+Toronto" can get you there. My blog, right there, first option on the list.

So now the gig is up, but I'm not really all that worried about it. First date, would I prefer you find out who I am by spending a little bit of time with me instead of reading my entire life story on the internet? Sure. But reality with Margaux means you'll hear the whole thing eventually, so if you can't handle it, best you move on now before I care about you too much.

I wrote a blog awhile back called The X Factor, and at that time, I really did believe you could stay friends with someone you've been romantically involved with. Now though, especially after the events of the past few weeks, not so much. You can, until you decide to move on, get back in the game, then apparently you become the worst person they have ever met.

I have to interject here, after spending some significant amount of time listening to girlfriends complain about their current relationships, that I do believe it is the brave and honest thing to do when you end a relationship that's not what you're looking for and decide to be alone again instead of living a dissatisfied and un-true to yourself life. But that's just me.

Anyways. There is one guy who was an awesome boyfriend and never pulled the after break-up shit. I was thinking about him today when he popped up on FaceBook chat. This is the guy who was not only a great boyfriend, he was a great after-boyfriend. He never read my blog and sent me nasty messages because I was seeing someone new. He never called me names or deleted me from FB or made me feel bad for going back out there to try to find what I wanted.

I know what y'all are thinking, ohhhh The American is always the perfect guy on this blog. But he pretty much is. And now he's coming to New York which is a hell of a lot closer than he ever was since he left Toronto.

Would I like to move to New York and marry a lawyer? Hell yah. But I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed. Most of the guys I've dated the past couple of years have been pretty nice (with the exception of the lying, sociopathic, shit-disturber, you know who you are) but at the end of the day, there really are only a few really good men out there. Don't let them get away!