Beautiful Trauma

The older you get the more you realize that your problems are not worse than anyone else's, just different. My guy always says "First World Problems, Margaux". He didn't exactly grow up here so he gets to say that.

I can't help but wonder though, can two broken people make one whole amazing person if they are together? Because we've all got our demons. I'm throwing the question out there but here's what I think: yes and no. We need to keep working on ourselves. Every day. If it's a bad day, go to bed and start over again tomorrow. Tomorrow is always new with no mistakes in it.

I don't believe though we're meant to go it alone in life. Whether it's a romantic partner, a best friend, a mentor or family, we need someone to be the mirror back to us. Because what we see in the mirror is not always accurate. Unless you're a millenial, it's probably self-defeating sometimes what you see when you look at yourself. (No hate for millenials but they think they are the shit.)

I'm a late bloomer. Took me a long time to realize the type of people I needed around me. I tried to go it alone for a long time because I couldn't figure it out. Then...I found people as perfectly imperfect as I was. Jay is my real mirror, him and my best girlfriends. We're honest with each other, we keep trying to improve and we make each other better. Together? I think we can be amazing and make something beautiful out of the ashes of our pasts. :)

Sullivan out.

It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business. 

Cockroach

It's been awhile. Anyways, sorry but I've been really busy. Let's just do this quick. So I'm talking to my ex boyfriend tonight (it's his birthday) and yesterday was my birthday so we're both very Pisces. Somehow in conversation I said, Yesterday Jay said I was like a cockroach.

Him: Does he ever say nice things about you?

Me: That was totally a compliment.

Now, should I see a cockroach in my apartment? Not a good thing. But you have to respect those little mother f*ers. One of these days, the end of the world is going to come. And you know who is going to survive? The cockroaches. You can try to kill them. You can poison them. You can cut their heads off. They will stay alive. That's what they do.

If one message to you is my only purpose in life here it is: I've been to purgatory, I've looked Hell itself in the face. I'm still here. I'm still happy. :)

Of course there was a snowstorm on my birthday. The weather was crazy. Friends are cancelling plans. The whole time, I'm just thinking, bring it on. When/if (that's a big if) I'm not around anymore, please remember, you weather the storms and eventually life gives you a break. Right now, I love my job. I have the perfect dog. Awesome friends, the best boyfriend. I know none of these things will last forever and that it has taken a decade to rebuild a life I left. I feel like my head got cut off and I was wandering around without one for awhile. (btw what do cockroaches do when you cut their head off? do they grow a new head?)

It's good and it's sad at the same time but I'm starting to forget them. Even my family. I try to bring up their voices in my head sometimes and I can't. All the photo albums are in storage, I don't look at them. I'm the marketing person for my firm now and we need to spend a lot of money to get new sites photographed and I thought for a second oh my sister is trying to do a photography business maybe I should get her the job. Then I remembered, I can't, because she shuns me. She wouldn't pick up the phone call.

I wonder how they would feel to know they aren't punishing me anymore because I almost forget they exist. They are there, like characters in a book you wish you had never read but you had to read it to get to the place you're in today. (Kinda like every textbook I've read for my MBA :)

My family was my MBA in life. There's a few good ones left (Grandma!) but for the most part, I honestly don't need anyone who doesn't believe in me. I think I'm imperfect but at the same time thoughtful and kind and I give anything I have to anyone who needs it. Jay sees that in me. I think that's why he loves me. But he also loves the cockroach who can't be killed no matter what life throws. He tells me I'm the strongest person he's ever met. I don't feel strong. But maybe, just maybe, I am.

One of my most special old life friends always told me, The past is like a rearview mirror. You should check it sometimes to make sure you're in the right lane. But if you stare into it, you'll crash. 

He was right. I learned that the hard way. So take the easy way. Grieve when you need to, but leave the past in the past. Get your head cut off, but grow a new one. A better one. And then, never, ever take for granted your second chance. For me, this IS the afterworld. And it's lovely. :)

Sullivan out.

When They Go Low

"When they go low, we go high." - Michelle Obama

I have been having the weirdest time lately. Someone, who, because I am taking the high road, will not be named, I thought she was one of my best friends. I think she must be a very unhappy person. And apparently a bully.

You know that thing about how if someone is always saying shit about everyone else to you, they are probably doing it to you behind your back? It's true. They're not just confiding in a friend, they are actually just mad at everyone.

In the past few days I've received numerous (like 40) messages saying just go die bitch, you're a terrible writer, you're a dirty toilet seat that men like to piss on. You left the JWs for a guy who doesn't give a shit about you. You're dried up and delusional and your boyfriend is awful. Seriously?

The boyfriend who drives you home at the end of the night and takes your kid for walks and buys you nice dinners and has always been kind to you. Hmmm. My other friends are apparently even worse. There's not one nice thing to say about any of them. This one spends too much money (hey red!), this one doesn't work hard enough (hey blonde!), this one who just uses you (hey former roomie!). Coming from someone I babysit for, for free at 6:30 in the morning while she goes to work and doesn't claim the money to the government while she's on support.

Jay just holds me while I cry and doesn't understand why it hurts so much. C'mon buddy doesn't a dirty toilet seat get to have feelings? :)

It hurts because I thought she was my friend. And being on the outside I've been careful about who I let into my life.

Anyways, I'm moving on. Have I made mistakes in life? More than I can count. But I'm trying really hard to be a good person. And those other friends? They are loyal and kind and would never say those kind of things about me, even if they thought them, which I don't think they do.

I think Michelle said that quote while she was supporting Hilary's campaign. Trump still won. Sometimes hate wins. But once I lick my wounds, I will keep working towards a better world for all of us that doesn't accept this kind of behavior. We have to take the high road and maybe we can inspire others to follow our lead.

And fuck you, my former bestie, I think I'm a damn good writer.

Sullivan out.

Love Despite

"They" say "you like because and you love despite". It doesn't just apply to romantic love, it's all of our relationships.

I would be surprised if anyone out there had a friendship, a partner, a family and they couldn't name one thing that they are not completely happy with. But we like all of them for what they bring into our lives. And we love them despite any small flaws or imperfections.

After all, doesn't imperfection make us perfect? I have the perfectly imperfect partner in life. It hasn't been a fairy tale by any means and most of the flaws were on my side. Not all of them though.

This guy believes in me, supports my dreams, my MBA, my writing, loves my dog and cat, takes care of my friends and their kids and doesn't EVER ask for anything in return. Except don't watch Westworld without him. :) Unconditional love doesn't happen every day.

I have to put a push in here on how upsetting it is what Trump is doing in the US. Families should stay together. I don't have kids but most of my close friends do. We should build a world for them that doesn't tear families apart or discriminate about race, gender or sexual orientation. I'm in an interracial relationship. It's Pride month and I am proud to be an ally. I'm a woman who deserves as much respect as the man next to me.

My cousin is super smart (most of my cousins are) and she said I should wait to write my book until I know how the story ends.

I know. I'm already working on it. :)

What do you mean?

Alright, I'm a not so closet Justin Bieber fan. But the kid is right. Y'all can be really difficult to figure out. I love you, I don't. I want you in my life, I don't. I'll always be there for you, I won't.

My love for people is unconditional. To a fault. To the point where I have severely damaged myself giving out too many second chances. Third chances. More than that.

I'm so imperfect, I can't even start to write a list of all the areas I could improve on. But I know one thing for sure. I know how to love. And sometimes that is what destroys you.

I've been extremely lucky to find some really amazing people who will accept me, love me, take chances on me despite everything that's happened. You know who you are.

This back and forth though? I really can't take it anymore. I'm done. That's why I block people from my phone and email. How many times can you get burned by the same people and just smile when they give you some little treat to go on? I'm not a dog.  I have a dog. I give him treats but he also gets to sleep next to me in the bed. I love him even when he makes mistakes.

You JWs though? Leave me alone. I've heard from two more in the past week. And they mean well. I love them. But stop. It's been SIX years. The shun/unshun, love/unlove - it's gotta stop. Delete my phone number. My email address. Stop trying to save my soul. I'm going to hell in every religion. The good part? I don't believe in hell. Hell is here. Heaven is here. I'm sorry you can't see the wreckage you leave behind every time you pretend to care about me but you're really just trying to convert me back. Or maybe it's something else. I know I'm good at making people feel loved. And even in the lovely on the outside, psycho on the inside organization they have set up for you, you don't find the kind of connection with most of them that you had with me. That's because I wasn't faking it. Or doing it out of obligation. I really did love you. I'm sorry if you miss me. That was your choice to get rid of me though.

I'm proud to be an APOSTATE. You had the past six years of me trying to build a bridge where we could meet somewhere in the middle. Not anymore. The bridge is burned. I'm sorry that y'all are having to listen to all the reports of sex abuse cover up, all the recent scandals with the organization. The court cases, the constant pressure they are putting on you to donate more money to help them deal with this.

Staying there though, is your choice. It's been a long path from where we all began. I'm so far off the beaten track though you should stop trying. I'm not the one lost, you are. I wish nothing but the best for all of you. Please though, stop fucking with my brain. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop emailing me. Or I'll have to start turning you in for talking to an apostate. The worst crime any JW could ever commit. Don't be guilty of it.

Sullivan out.