Hey Soul Sister!

I woke up at 3 am and went to the kitchen. I thought I'd get a bowl of rice and a glass of water. Oh the perks of living in sin with an Asian, there's always fresh rice.

Jay: Bad dreams?
Me: Is there any other kind?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I guess she's 41 now. The days are long but the years are short. I don't really think about my family. Both my therapists are not fans, they think of them more like an infected limb I should cut off and be done with it before it spreads all through me. Does that hurt? Don't do it. 

They are probably right. But my sister. We've been through a lot together. A lot of her problems, she was never around for mine. I was always there for her though. I haven't seen her or my mother in over three years. Since she invited me and then uninvited me to her wedding. One of the biggest traumas in my life, I have to admit. When she gave me the invitation I said, are you sure? She said of course, you're my sister. Then the elders got involved and even though I'd bought a dress, wrote a card, had the wedding present, I wasn't allowed to go.

My family came to Toronto and drove by my place on their way to the wedding. I was sitting on the window in my pjs smoking. Yah, I used to smoke. They honked and waved like it was any other day of the week. I went out and drank until I didn't have any more feelings.

That was a long time ago now and I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Not by blood but out of love. I understand why my therapists and everyone else wants me to stay away from my family. The blood ties though are strong and pull at you every once in awhile. These people are pretty much strangers to me at this point but I still miss them. And wherever my sister is, I hope she's happier than I was in that life and wish her all the best.

Sullivan out.

Ready to Run

When I got married, I knew I'd get divorced. My dad was walking me down the aisle and before we started he was like, we don't have to do this. We have a car outside. We can just leave. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. 

One of my favorite ex boyfriends used to call me "Little Flight Risk". He was a great guy. Wanted to marry me and have kids. Been there, done that. Not the having kids part but the wanting to.

I've become famous for leaving jobs. A friend called me the other day, he was like, just checking in. Wanted to see if you still had a job.

It's difficult to trust anyone when you've lost everyone. I really don't think I'm cut out to be a corporate Bay Street bitch anymore, so I think I'll just open a flower shop and put that MBA to good use. :)

The guy I'm with now? Oh, he's not my type. And how many times have I run away? I can't count. But. The other night I was freaking out because I was writing a paper and my printer stopped working. I'm old school and I cannot work on the internet. I needed my paper copies of all these studies I'm analyzing. So he went to an internet cafe (yes those still exist apparently) at 1 am and printed them all off. He won't let me quit my MBA (I have one course left so that would be stupid) but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. He always tells me to just go back to the flower shop and learn as much as I can from my boss and we'll figure out how to get our own thing going.

Sounds good to me. On one hand, I'm like where exactly was all this acceptance, support and love when I was growing up? On the other hand, I finally found it.

Yesterday was his birthday and I always think a birthday is a new beginning. If I were him, I'd start the new year by kicking me to the curb, but he hasn't so I'm pretty sure we're end game. I have loved very deeply in the past. While I still try to be a good person, I also try not to love too much because it always ends up hurting me. Before that happens, I run away. There is however something to be said for sticking it out.

Oh, the perils of self-improvement. This time I'm not leaving because it's worth the work to stay. Dammit. Guess I'm just finally in the right place. To quote RuPaul (which I never do) "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you ever gonna love someone else? Can I get an Amen!" Amen.

Sullivan out.

Don't Look Back in Anger

Spoiler alert: my boyfriend and I fight. Not a lot but sometimes. You see someone when you wake up in the morning, you go to bed with them, you vent about work and decide what to spend money on or what not to, who isn't doing the dishes, what music to listen to...the list goes on...you're gonna fight once in awhile.

It will always end in someone crying (me) and someone shaking their head (him) and then we work it out. We hug and say I love you. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I've ever gotten was "Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and fight."

I fought for a long time against the JWs. Did me speaking out really help some people? Yes it did. Did it help me? Yes it did. One of my girlfriends loves Leah Remini's "exposing the Scientologists" show. She's was like, I think of you every time I watch it. Leah did one last week on the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought it was really well done. It wasn't overly dramatic, it was factual and honest. All cults are essentially the same but she kept saying she couldn't believe how easily they tear families apart. It is so unnatural.

I got through half the show, then I made Jay watch the rest of it with me. He was like, I know them, I know what you've been through. He does. But he watched it and now he knows it better. I held it together, although any time they showed a clip of the videos the governing body puts out  (aka those super secret crazy rich 12 guys who run the Watchtower) I would cringe. They are so sketchy and I'm not going out on a limb saying they kind of seem clinically insane.

The thing that got me was the ending. They asked the people (ex-jws) who had come forward on the show to tell their stories what they would say if they could send JUST ONE message to their families who shun them. It was the same thing over and over. No anger, no hate. Just that they loved them and if there was any chance of reconciliation they would welcome that. But they just couldn't go back.

It's taken me 8 and a half years. I can honestly say that besides those creepy Watchtower dudes I have no anger towards any one of them. Some days I still look back. There is a sadness that will never go away. But I've moved on. Now, I have a completely perfect, imperfect little family now who are just like me. Trying to do the best in whatever situation that comes up and cuddling up together at night to feel safe and warm.

That's something that makes me smile every single day, that reinforces what I already know - I made the right decision. The only choice. And that's something I'll always stay up and fight for. Because, if I do, I know it's a happy ending. :)

Sullivan out.

Fake Plastic Love

I've always been a romantic. Until nine years ago when my life went upside down, then I became a cynic. The little girl who used to hide under trees at her dads place in the country to write stories disappeared. I started writing again after that, but it was angry. What can I say? It's always been my release and the JWs really needed to be exposed. Fortunately, a lot of other people started to think that too and I don't feel like it's my battle anymore.

The funny thing about romance and love - any kind of love: family, friends, boyfriends...it can look like the real thing, feel like the real thing. Doesn't count for anything if it's not. Don't get me wrong, nice gifts, fancy dinners, expensive hotels...all perfectly nice. Having a girlfriend who tells you you're her best friend and feels like you're a sister to her...is nice.

Trying to figure out which people are genuine and the ones who are fake can wear you out. Who is using you and who is just in it because at the end of the day, they really do love you.

I know y'all are tired of hearing about my boyfriend. We are not perfect. We've been in and out, on and off for years. I didn't think he was romantic enough. I didn't think he said "I love you" enough. But the devil is always in the details.

I wasn't allowed to watch soap operas before (another fun JW fact - no soap operas) but somehow between three jobs and doing an MBA I've got myself hooked on a Spanish telenovella. At first I was always rolling my eyes about how dramatic it was but then I realized my life has been pretty damn dramatic too. (Without all the murdering of course.)

Anyways, the girl had to pick between two guys. The rich, suave, probably hits the gym about 16 hours a day guy or the nice guy. I'm always rooting for the nice guy. He's smart, he always says the right thing, he's loyal to a fault. I've been with both kind of guys, many times.

It's Thanksgiving right? I love this holiday. Because it's not about presents (which I also love) or over the top anything, it's just about being grateful for what we have. Jay came home last night with a huge turkey. Things haven't really been going my way and I wasn't planning on cooking all day. I told him all my friends are with their families for Thanksgiving and it was too much. Side point: I don't have a family. He just said well, look across the street. You've got a dozen homeless people in that park. We'll invite everyone and if they're all with their families we'll share what we have with those people who don't have anything. Still wondering why I root for the nice guy?

It's never fake, or plastic or perfect even. But I always know where I stand and whether or not I'm loved for just being me. Fake wears me out. Truth keeps me with a small amount of hope that I'm okay, that everything is okay. That's the way it always ends in the telenovellas, doesn't it? I do my best but I can't be who you want me to be all the time, that's why I left the cult right? :)

Sullivan out.

Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

In Sunshine or in Shadow

Let's be honest. We all say we don't pick sides. But we do. When my husband, I mean ex-husband, and I broke up, no one was on my side. They weren't allowed to be because of the cult. They also chose not to pick his side because they blamed him for what had happened.

Then I blamed them for not being there for him and it's just a circle that goes around and around.

I had a friend recently who decided she didn't like me anymore. That's fine. Doesn't matter how much effort you put into being a good friend, girls are difficult. And I'm saying that as a feminist.

Say what you want about me. She said so many awful things that I wouldn't even put into writing because they don't matter. I didn't respond.

So she picked the other side. She went after my boyfriend. That's where I draw the line. It was one thing when she said it over text. Then over email. But then she left a voicemail. All saying the same terrible things about him. When there's really nothing terrible to say.

And I'll tell y'all right now, you go after me, whatever. I'm used to it. I man up. You go after the guy who takes care of me when no one else does, the guy who takes y'all out for dinner and pays for everything, the guy who drives you home when you've been drinking, the guy who walks your kid, the guy who gives you big hugs, the guy who has never been anything but kind and generous and sweet to you? Watch out bitch. You'd better not come near me again.

He's been there for me in sunshine or in shadow. No matter what happens in life, he's always like, "we've got this". And not just me. A lot of us. So let's stop hating and shut up Lindsay.

It's really too bad because he does love your baby.

Sullivan out.

Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

When They Go Low

"When they go low, we go high." - Michelle Obama

I have been having the weirdest time lately. Someone, who, because I am taking the high road, will not be named, I thought she was one of my best friends. I think she must be a very unhappy person. And apparently a bully.

You know that thing about how if someone is always saying shit about everyone else to you, they are probably doing it to you behind your back? It's true. They're not just confiding in a friend, they are actually just mad at everyone.

In the past few days I've received numerous (like 40) messages saying just go die bitch, you're a terrible writer, you're a dirty toilet seat that men like to piss on. You left the JWs for a guy who doesn't give a shit about you. You're dried up and delusional and your boyfriend is awful. Seriously?

The boyfriend who drives you home at the end of the night and takes your kid for walks and buys you nice dinners and has always been kind to you. Hmmm. My other friends are apparently even worse. There's not one nice thing to say about any of them. This one spends too much money (hey red!), this one doesn't work hard enough (hey blonde!), this one who just uses you (hey former roomie!). Coming from someone I babysit for, for free at 6:30 in the morning while she goes to work and doesn't claim the money to the government while she's on support.

Jay just holds me while I cry and doesn't understand why it hurts so much. C'mon buddy doesn't a dirty toilet seat get to have feelings? :)

It hurts because I thought she was my friend. And being on the outside I've been careful about who I let into my life.

Anyways, I'm moving on. Have I made mistakes in life? More than I can count. But I'm trying really hard to be a good person. And those other friends? They are loyal and kind and would never say those kind of things about me, even if they thought them, which I don't think they do.

I think Michelle said that quote while she was supporting Hilary's campaign. Trump still won. Sometimes hate wins. But once I lick my wounds, I will keep working towards a better world for all of us that doesn't accept this kind of behavior. We have to take the high road and maybe we can inspire others to follow our lead.

And fuck you, my former bestie, I think I'm a damn good writer.

Sullivan out.

Mommy Dearest

Got my yearly email from my birth mother. Y'all should know how dangerous I am by now. That's what apostates are right?

She means well. She just wants me to come back to Jehovah. It was funny though, this was the first time she tried to differentiate Him from the organization. It's just Jehovah, it's not the organization. Like saying, it's just Hitler, it's not the Nazis. You can trust him. What about all the child abuse cases in the media about how the JWs covered it all up?

The usual about how much I'm hurting her and my sister with my choice to stay away. Was it me who decided to sell of all my cherished family heirlooms for pennies to the JWs and not give me a chance to keep anything from my past so she could show up here a few days before she moved to Panama? With a box filled with my old report cards and all the gifts I'd ever given her?

Or to be my sister? Who invited me to her wedding and I said ARE YOU SURE? and she was like absolutely, you're my sister! So I saved up $700 for a present and bought a dress I couldn't afford and then she shows up the week before and says well the elders said you can't come.

But I'm the one hurting them. Of course I am.

She asked me to come to the district convention and I said, you know there's always a discourse on staying away from apostates and I'll be shunned all weekend? She said I should stop being sarcastic. Can I get a hell ya from any of the rest of you outcasts out there that that would be the way it would go?

They are so brainwashed they don't even understand the other side anymore. The reason I identify as an apostate is that they labelled me that. And to be honest, it's not like either of the two of them are sitting there with angel wings.

I told her I had the best friends. That my friends have been there for me through everything. That if I left I would have to give them up. She said you've been sick, you must be unhappy. I said well you and Erin have been going around for years telling people you're both dying so maybe you're not happy either.

My kinda on and off boyfriend always says we all live lives of quiet desperation. I'm not. And mum, unfortunately, I'm too busy to go to the district convention. You can send me the notes. I won't read them. I do love you though.

Sullivan out.

Believe in me

Because I don't believe in anything. And I want to be someone who believes. 

I've done an amazing job at being messed up. I'm more than just a little misunderstood. You wanna love me then you're in for a great ride. I was thinking this morning about how my ex-husband wanted his brother to be his best man at our wedding. Watchtower wouldn't let him have the weekend off though to come to his brother's wedding. His brother's wedding. Fuck them.

It makes me think that just if we hadn't been owned and controlled by them, maybe we would have been happy. Maybe I'd still have a family. Maybe I wouldn't have made so many bad choices.

My therapist last week was like, let's be honest Margaux. You're not depressed anymore. You're angry. Awesome. Only took me 9 years to move from grief to anger. I think I still have three steps to go.

There are different types of people out there. There are people who can get over something like this. And the ones who don't. I've tried to be the voice for everyone who has gone through this and spin it positive. Truth is, I'm a hypocrite. I'm not happy. But I'm happier than I would be back there with those crazies. Maybe this is just life. It's hard. Our friends are starting to die. My boyfriend is probably going to break up with me when he gets out of bed.

I still want to believe the heart of life is good. Help?

Tired and Scared

Love can save us all? Thank you Blue Rodeo for making us believe in that.

They are right though. Love breaks you. Life breaks you. It breaks everyone. Then it puts you back together. And then many are strong in the broken places.

Been thinking about a friend who passed two years ago this week. He decided the fight wasn't worth it. And I don't judge him. We planned his funeral. We love him. Sometimes it feels like it's all too much and I think I'd rather take the easy way out. So if you feel that way, it's okay. Just find coping mechanisms that help you. Apparently, suicidal crises are usually temporary. You can believe anything you read on the internet right? :)

People get down and then they find a way to climb back up. Life is peaks and valleys. Either one offers a good view, doesn't it? Call a friend. Go outside. (I know the weather is shit here today so maybe not right now.)

George dropped a puppy on me a little bit before this happened. I was mad at him. I never would have picked out Max at a shelter. He's too big. Now every day I thank him for choosing me because this dog has changed my life. And reminds me to think of George and remember our lives are precious. Even when we're tired and scared. Still determined to see the world through rose colored glasses. :)

For a limited time only...

So I have this friend who is so smart. He has a PhD. And he's like, you're starting a new job, take down the blog. And I did. My before last job, they cyber stalked me and read it all and decided I must be a psycho because I was raised in a cult. Maybe I am.

I made my kinda sorta boyfriend dress up with me as characters from Kill Bill for Halloween. My go to costume was let's be assassins? I might have some anger issues. Well, if you wanna read me do it quick because it's coming down again tomorrow night. I doubt my new job cares about me enough yet to google me on the weekend. :)

My roommate situation has changed. It's not just me and Max at the moment. My only sibling who hasn't lived with me over and over and over again is arriving tomorrow. His girlfriend is here now and it's been such a blessing. I have to commute for work for the first time in over ten years, so I'm not home for long stretches of time and she takes Max for a run at least three times a day while I'm gone. He's the most spoiled he's ever been and he was already a spoiled dog. I somehow decided it was a great idea to adopt a homeless kitten and she's a reign of terror. There was a box of kittens heading out to the shelter. There was one really chill one, who had a lightning bolt on his head like David Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust days. Then there was a crazy one. I always go with crazy.

It's a bit chaotic but I love the chaos. I wanted a big family. Unlike some previous family experiences, we all work together really well to make it fun and happy around here.

Today though I think we all need to take a step back and reflect on what our grandparents went through to fight for our freedom. Something I used to take for granted until I realized how trapped I was in my previous life and then how grateful I felt to finally be free.

We are free because of them. And it makes me think that I can keep doing this form of being free for me. I've never been happier in my life. A lot of them came home with PTSD and it wasn't easy. I have that too. I can barely get on the subway. Going underground squished into a tiny box with tons of people pushing and shoving you...not the greatest way to start and end your day if you have anxiety issues. But I know I'm killing it at work and getting through it. I have been picky and I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I've been lucky. My kinda sorta boyfriend is my rock and he keeps me grounded.

And that's how we get through the hard things right? Not by ourselves. I can't imagine having to go off to war. But if you do you need people to rely on and people to come home to. I have nothing but respect for our veterans. We're a good country. :)

Murmurations

I know what you're thinking and you're right. I never write anymore.

I'm sure all artists, whether you're a musician or a painter or a writer understand that voice in your head that won't leave you alone or go away until you do what it tells you to. Mine has been a lot of different personalities over the past eight years. Sometimes it's angry. Sometimes it just wants to be an advocate for people who have had their rights stolen. Sometimes, it has fallen in love with the worst possible choice in men ever. Not that most of them weren't decent guys, they were. Just the wrong choices. Then it just went silent. It woke up this morning, maybe because I felt so happy last night.

I could write a whole book on all the bad choices I've made in life. But I went home last weekend. My cousin was getting married and that was beautiful. I haven't had the easiest time with family. But he said something to me about how when someone is going through a hard time, family is always there for you. He wasn't talking about me, he wanted me to pass it on to my brother, but it resonated.

And family isn't just blood. I spent an evening with the girl I was best friends with when I was five years old. We both went though hell and got out of the JWs but we laughed about it all night. And then I came home. Here is as much home as home is. The only reason I had the opportunity to go to PEI was because I have such good friends in Toronto. People I can count on come what may. Y'all know I had a shit year. But it has been a year and it's always a new beginning come fall. :)

One of my best friends and I are going to a witches circle in a couple of weeks. It's so fun not to have rules anymore. I'll probably write a blog about that. She's blogging now too so maybe we can collaborate. It has been a long road. My other cousin told me once maybe I should wait to write a book until I know how it ends. This is how it ends. Happy. Not perfect. Surrounded by love.

I saw a reiki master awhile ago and I didn't tell her anything. I never do. Psychics, reiki, witches, if they are real they'll know about me without me giving them any information. She said my problem was that I had no idea how loved I was. Because honestly, that's what cults do to you. Make you feel guilty and wrong and unloved if you leave. She said she saw a flock of blackbirds flying in formation around me. I was a smartass and said that's called a murmuration. (Thank you to my lovely mentor GBW for teaching me that.) But how did she know I had blackbirds tattooed on my body and everywhere in my apartment and I never would be here today without my flock.

Y'all know who you are. Thank you for making me a better person, for putting up with me through this journey, for loving me in my perfectly imperfect state, for making me happy every day. For being the best family/"family" a girl could ask for.

Sullivan out.

Rabbit Hole

Did y'all miss me? I'm coming out of retirement temporarily for a couple of reasons. 1) I don't think anyone is cyber stalking me right now. 2) I haven't written anything in almost 6 months and I'm dying. 3) I'm so proud of Toronto right now I have to talk about it.

Catch CityNews last night? They did an hour long segment exposing the JWs for being a cult who shuns people. They interviewed three people who have left. One fader, one disfellowshipped and one who disassociated. (You will only understand those terms if you were in it, so let me know if you need a dictionary. I've been all three at different times.)

If you didn't see it you can catch some highlights here: http://www.citynews.ca/video/2017/08/10/video-leaving-the-jehovahs-witnesses/

They called it "Leaving Jehovah". The US is way ahead of us, and as usual, we've had a slow start here in Canada. I've spent a lot of years feeling alone in my well-intentioned yet slightly angry public crusade against the Watchtower. These three people though, were brave enough to tell their stories and speak out.

It was accurately and well done in my opinion. Some of the discussion was very on point. "Being an apostate is the worst sin you could commit." True. I know they all think I am am very dangerous. Although the Watchtower did make a kids cartoon about how gay marriage is the equivalent of taking scissors on an airplane. So I guess they think that's pretty bad in their eyes too. Although I don't really get the analogy. They need better PR/Marketing people. If I had a gun to my head and was forced to explain to my six year old how it wasn't okay to love who you love, to have two mommies or live your life the way you wanted to, I don't think scissors on an airplane is the way I would go. But what do I know? Some of my best friends are gay. They seem more like a warm blanket and a big hug when I need them than scissors on a plane to me.

One of the other guys said he invited his JW family to his upcoming wedding. They refused to go. He said the next time they'll all be in the same room will be for a funeral. Where he will be shunned by everyone, not comforted for his loss. I believe that about my family. Then again, haven't we all had to mourn that loss already?

They talked about nightmares of Armageddon coming and dying in flames. Would've been better to live that in real life in the last Game of Thrones episode (spoiler alert!) than in your dreams. That looked like fun! I can attest to the fact that long after you stop believing, the dreams still haunt you.

I honestly, sincerely believe that it's all worth it. That we're happier being free. I don't mean to minimize anything anyone is currently going through. But isn't it better not to be brainwashed? To make your own decisions for the first time in your life? Scary as hell. But worth it.

I'm so proud of all these people for telling their stories. I never wanted to be the lone voice. I always wanted us to join forces and expose them by speaking out together. If you want to join in, you can be anonymous. Or you can show your face. Let's take these fuckers down.

Alice never would have got to wonderland, had she not fallen down the rabbit hole. Let's free fall.

Sullivan out.

Bend until you break

Take your makeup off, let your hair down, take a breath, when you're all alone, do you like you?

Do you? I don't like myself. To be honest, I don't think any of us should have to bend until we break. I've done that. I'm ashamed of it. Trying to belong has not been my forte since I left the cult. I made mistakes. I handled it better than some of our friends who are gone now. The ones who decided it was better to be go away than to keep trying. I don't blame them. I get it. I cannot tell you how many times I've been there. You'll have to wait for that book I'm writing that is never going to be finished to find out all about that. Good luck with that :)

I have all these pictures in my head of my past life. "I hate you, I love you" is the theme song of my life. I love them all but I hate them too. I hate them for not loving me enough to stick with me when I decided to leave. I love them because erasing them would mean half of my life is just gone. Like it never happened.

I always fall in love with the wrong men. And it's entirely possible the wrong girls as well.

I'm retiring the blog just for awhile. I was talking to Liz the other day. Liz: Have you googled you? You're everywhere.

Let's be honest, probably not as much as the Kardashians are (my god, did I actually use that word on my blog?)

I've used this blog as my personal diary, there's a reason those used to come with a lock and key. It's been a heartbreaking, joyful, terrifying, exciting wonderful journey here on the outside.

I met Margaret Atwood the other weekend. She was lovely. Then I started to feel bad because even though I look up to her as a wildly popular Canadian author, truth be told, I've never read any of her books. I have at least a hundred books in my apartment. Some of them hers. I'm still making the rounds and usually I have two or three on the go, so I can pick what I read depending on my mood.

So I cheated. Liz was watching the Handmaid's Tale on TV. I followed suit. I know the Jehovah's Witnesses are not as bad as that situation. They don't have machine guns....that I'm aware of :) At the end of the day, there's so many similarities though. Us, them, the Scientologists, the Mormons...the list goes on.

The secret lingo, the distrust, the spying on each other. Women go everywhere in twos, you can't be alone with a man who is not your husband. There are extreme penalties for breaking the rules and they all come with a scripture they can beat you over the head with. Some random scripture from the bible which was written in an age when men got away with anything they wanted. Multiple wives, concubines, wars, stoning people to death, killing anyone you wanted. The Bible is basically Game of Thrones on crack. But these were "God's people". Women and gays were synonymous with the lesser and subjected to all kinds of abuse.

How Margaret put all that together in 1985 is really impressive. With Trump and Trudeau running our world, I wonder how close life will become to that piece of fiction.

They tell the handmaiden that "everyone breaks". For so many people who have been raised in oppressive, non-accepting lives, that's true.

Okay, I'm going to sign off. I'll leave this up for the weekend and then we need to take a break. Have a couple of job interviews coming up and I don't need potential employers googling me. It's just a break, not a break up. For those of you out there who feel trapped, remember it might seem to be easier to stay somewhere where you feel secure. If you feel that way though, remember that security could be ripped away from you at any moment for the smallest infraction.

GET OUT.

We will be here on the other side to help.

Sullivan out.

Hearts Don't Break Around Here

I know what you're thinking and you're right. I am obsessed with Ed Sheeran. This song plays on repeat in my apartment.

But seriously, how many times has my heart been broken? I don't even know. Do you count that by each person? What if it was a group heartbreak - is that just one or hundreds?

Either way, it's been a rough go.

So much so, that I can't even trust it when good things happen. I've always considered myself an optimist. Then I became an optimist with depression who tried to kill herself.

I've learned something very valuable...finally. Don't go it alone. Take the help that's offered. The Universe always comes through, usually by providing the right people in your life at the right time. If you're lucky it will drop a huge dog you didn't necessarily want in your lap. :)

It will be 8 years in June since I was kicked out of the JWs. It was the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't pretend to be wise, but everything does happen for a reason. Cliches are cliches for a reason.

It wasn't until I turned 40 though that I finally felt like I had purpose in my life again. I actually love going to work in the morning. Steve Jobs said: "Sometimes life is going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith."

Winston Churchill said: "If you're going through hell, just keep going." And the great Ed Sheeran said: "I love the way you conquer your fears. Hearts don't break around here." (One of these days I will get over my love of redheads)

I called Kyla and said my boss asked me to lunch and I thought he was going to fire me. That's how my brain is wired now. Nothing good stays. He actually just wanted to give me a present for Max. I told her I wasn't used to good things happening to me. She said she wasn't used to that either.

We can fix that though. We can conquer our fears, we can change our thought process.

I saw a reiki master the other week. I don't really "get" reiki. It's all energy work and all my psychics think my energy is bad. She told me that the thing I didn't understand was how loved I was. She said she saw a flock of birds, flying in formation, circling around me. She couldn't have possibly known about my bird obsession.

Or that my mentor told me that's called a "murmuration". Us lost people can find each other and make something beautiful out of any situation if we do it together.

Life is beautiful. I appreciate it every day and love all those people who chose to love me despite my brokenness. I doubt my heart will ever break again.

Sullivan out.

Blackbird

I had a lovely afternoon. It's not even May and my friend and I took the afternoon to eat oysters and mussels on a patio. It got really cold and they offered us blankets, which we were grateful for.

This person has had a different experience than me. I don't judge. We all have our own path. Whatever. He told me that maybe I should stop speaking out. Maybe that would change the outcome I've come to accept with my JW family. He's never been shunned, he doesn't even understand what it's like. How awful it is.

I appreciate that he will still risk being seen in public with me. I'm pretty famous for being completely dangerous in the JW community. He said you could still change that. I can't. The damage has been done.

I made a choice and I stand by it. I wouldn't go back and change anything. Even if it meant I got to have that completely fake superficial relationship with my mom and sister. I told him CBC wanted to interview me. I didn't end up doing it. He was like, good for you. For every ex-JW who thinks that, there are two that think I failed them.

If someone else would like to take my place as an apostate who talks openly about the cruelty and hatred of this organization that promotes love, be my guest. I will step down. It's exhausting to be honest and there's no reward in it for me.

The only reason I started writing again is because I'm happy now. I didn't write for a long time. And y'all were like, where did you go? I didn't go anywhere. I never left your side. I just took some time to take care of me. I needed to at the time.

I guess there is a second reason. Jay got me a writing desk as a subtle hint that I was denying my true self by just shutting up. I took off my blackbird necklace ages ago. The one my girlfriend got me for Christmas that time. But then my little brother bought me one that was a feather. He was like, you know, because of your whole bird thing. That's what I wear every day.

This is who I am and it doesn't hurt me anymore to do it. But if y'all want me to shut up, I can do that too. A lot of people think I should: my family, my non-JW family, my mentor, some of my friends. If that's only because you're worried about me, you shouldn't be. If that's because you're worried about them? You should be. Russia has just banned Jehovah's Witnesses for being an "extremist group". Good on them. The right thing to do is not always the easiest thing.

I'm still the Blackbird.

Sullivan out.

Say Something

"Say something. I'm giving up on you."

Well here we are. This past year, after almost dying, leaving my job, dating and breaking up with someone I have loved for years, being unemployed for months, I'm once again a functioning member of society. Not someone who hangs out in yoga pants all day alone with her dog doing little projects for whoever needs to hire someone who can write for them or do their taxes. 

I applied for A LOT of jobs. I interviewed for a lot of jobs. With the reasons I had that told me I needed a change, I was picky. It got crazy by the end. I had 13 interviews in two weeks. They were all pretty aggressive in wanting me to make a decision. I had to decide what the hell I was doing with my life. I'm 40 now after all. Halfway through my life, if I'm lucky. 

I can't say enough good things about my almost 7 years at KPMG. I worked with great people. I had mentors who helped me grow. I made a couple of life long friends. When I left, I said from the beginning I wanted to work non-profit. It seems like you can take the girl out of the JWs but you can't take the JW out of the girl. I'd rather help people than make lots of money. I am doing my MBA so hopefully I'll have some great options in the future. 

Still, it was hard to decide. Some companies seemed so much more exciting. My best friend was here when I was in the middle of all that craziness (cause he's always here when I need him) and he was like, "Margaux, you know what you want to do. Do it." I pretty much played Russian roulette with my professional life and I think I dodged a couple of bullets. 

It was the right decision. I'm 9 days straight in and I'm sure of that. I'm exhausted, but sure. There is one drawback to my almost perfect new job. The company next to us - there's a JW who works there. We used to be friends. I'm non-profit now. All the offices on my floor share a bathroom. So I run into her. She shuns me. I gotta say, I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. 

They make a big show out of it. Look straight at you - look appalled - look away with their head down. Walk faster past you. As happy and grounded as I feel, it still shakes me. It's still makes me feel bad about myself. It still makes it harder for me to walk tall and be proud of my decisions in life. Even though I am. 

What do they think is going to happen if they look at me? That I'll suck them over to Satan's side by making eye contact? Maybe I'll just have to go to the bathroom at Starbucks across the street now. Or find a way to deal with it. 

We were friends for years, but I can't for the life of me remember her name. It got me thinking. It will be 8 years in June since I was disfellowshipped. I'm starting to forget a lot of things. I'm forgetting my JW family. I see my mom and sister in pictures in my head. Not in video. It's snapshots, not a movie. Worst part? They will never say something. They just disappear, shun. It's okay, Jehovah told them to do it.

I'm at about 20% of my life that's post Jehovah Witness. It's going to take me longer to fix myself. But my therapist thinks I've come a long way. :)

I still wish they could say something though. Like, maybe...goodbye? Something that would give me the closure I still crave. Now that I work in an organization that deals with palliative care, I understand how important the "goodbye" is to the family members and close friends. 

It's important to me. I didn't get that opportunity. My mother has said a lot. Mostly about how I'm a sinner, how I'm going to die at Armageddon and how much I've hurt her by deciding to live a life different from the one she choose for all of us. But it's never the goodbye, the closure. 

So, I officially give up. She called Grandma when I was there at Christmas. I answered the phone. She knew I almost died and she couldn't even say "Are you okay now?". My mother. Couldn't ask if I was okay. She couldn't hang up on me fast enough. To be fair, Jehovah probably wouldn't like that. Jehovah doesn't seem like a very loving or accepting God to me. I'll go with no God and put my faith in the Universe to work things out. The Universe makes me nervous, but she always comes through in the end. 

This is me, phase 2. It's not the end. I've been gifted with a new beginning. I promise to make the most of it. 

Sullivan out. 

Phoenix Rising

In ancient Greek mythology, a phoenix is a bird, that's always reborn. It rises from the ashes of it's predecessor, thanks to a little help from the Sun God.

My girlfriend: This is OUR year! Phoenix rising!

Me: Sure.

In my head, I thought nope. I tell myself every single year, this year will be different. Better. I'll be stronger. Then usually, the Universe tries to kill me again. Sometimes I get sick. Sometimes I make myself sick. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This last time though, my mentor came to see me in the hospital. I was hooked up to all these tubes and generally miserable and he was like, you're not depressed this time though. I'm really proud of you. I'll tell you a secret: I wasn't depressed because I just didn't care if I died or not this time. To be honest, not the time before that either. Or the time before that.

I know I've let you all down a bit. I keep getting messages asking why I don't write anymore. I guess I just gave up. What's the point of continuing in a fight you know you're never going to win? The Watchtower, like all big corporations, is fueled by money hungry, selfish men who are self-important enough to wield their power without remorse over their loyal, blind subjects. Who obey either out of guilt, fear or just plain brainwashing.

Like any organization, they're not all bad. There are some very, very good, yet terribly misled people amoung them. Some of us used to be those people. Then we woke up. Realized the truth and despite how hard we tried, we couldn't un-learn what we now know.

They are so good at the guilt and fear though, most of us can't say anything out loud against them. For fear of repercussion. Fear of losing our families. All the people we have ever loved.

The Universe reminded me last week that I'm not supposed to shut up. If you're not ready to talk, that's okay. I think I've helped a lot of you to quietly get out the smart way. Not the way I did - crash and burn. I promise you though, I'll always be here if you need to talk. I can tell your story if you want me to (anonymously), and some of you have already asked me to do that. I'm sorry I've been absent. I shouldn't be. Unlike most of you, I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore.

The phoenix rises from the ashes. Remember that. We can be re-born and become stronger, better and more beautiful than ever. We just have to go through the fire to get there. It's magic. If you believe in it, you will get there. :)

PS. A phoenix is so much cooler than a blackbird, isn't it??

Sullivan out.

The Dreamer

"I am just a dreamer but I'm hanging on. Though I am nothing big to offer. I watch the birds, how they dive and then gone like nothing in this world is ever still."


I've had a lot of change this year. 2016 kinda sucked. I left my job, the only really stable thing in my life besides Max. Then there was the whole almost dying drama. Then the guy I was seeing - actually the first guy I ever really liked since I left the jdubs dumped me. And why wouldn't he? I'm fabulous but I'm also a mess.

The thing is, I've gone through most of the past seven years like I'm fucking Uma in Kill Bill. I even bought the same sword. (Sidepoint: Swords are sharp, Don't play with them.) As I went on my vendetta against the JWs for what they did to me, I had to eventually realize that I have accountability here too.

I knew what I was doing when I broke the rules, and I also knew that breaking the rules is the only way to break free of them. My perfect little life there wasn't real. But it felt real. So when it was gone, I picked up my sword and went on the attack. And there's really no reason to. All of these new people who have come along, all of the new opportunities I've had - that's the real life. It's not some illusion of how everyone is always best friends and we're going to live forever.

We won't. I don't know what happens when we die, but I do know that we're gone. So we have to make the most of what we have now, appreciate every kindness and all the love we're shown. Because all of us are worthy of that. No matter how many mistakes we've made.

I let my guard down this year and decided to let someone in. Didn't work out, but unless we take that step, we're just going to end up alone. As much as I've told myself thousands of times over the past seven years that I don't need anyone...I do. We all need people.

I know I say this every New Years and it never seems to work out for me, I think this year will be better. I used to be such a dreamer but I'm pretty firmly rooted in reality now. Doesn't mean that I don't still watch the birds and imagine that some day I'll be that free. I'm almost there. Love is all that matters. If someone doesn't want to give you that, wish them well and move on. And wait for the people who will. Keep the sword close though, just in case. :)

Sullivan out.