Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.

Weathered

"When I grow old I'll drink and smoke. Like I did when youth stayed."

That was our song. Until I got sick and couldn't really drink anymore. But I'm thinking it's still our song because when (not if) I make it to the part where I'm old, I get to do whatever I want. Shoulda been lights out for me a long time ago. Thanks to him, I'm still here.

I'm way too old to have a boyfriend so let's call him my man-friend. I had a sad day yesterday and I got sad enough to get a new tattoo. It wasn't spur of the moment, I'd thought it out over a year ago but those damn things hurt and I had another hurt I needed to feel less of. So it was the right time.

My arm tattoos are perfectly symmetrical and it always bothered me I only had the anchor on one leg. Like I was off balance. I'm a bit OCD. So I counted the cash in my wallet and figured I could make this work. I had a big picture for a little spot and knew part of it had to be Jay. I found an old card so they could duplicate his handwritting. I think that's pretty romantic.

Asians, right? I'm not racist I love them but they are so uncomfortable with feelings. So he comes home from work and looks at it. He walks away. I'm like, do you like it? He pauses, and then he's like, well its very permanent. No fuck, Sherlock. I'm almost done my MBA, I know what a tattoo is. 

Also, my darling man friend, I know I haven't really been on board. You always have been though. My pets are yours. They probably like you more than they like me. You've saved my life more than once. You call me when I'm in the hospital in the morning to ask what I want to eat that day because you know I'd starve before eating hospital food. I only need to look the right way at something I want and it shows up on my birthday or Christmas. You rub my back and hold my hand when I have panic attacks. You make my life better, my home better, make me laugh and dance in the living room to all our favorite songs. You make me write, which makes me a happier, better version of myself.

I seriously doubt that after all that, you'll ever leave me. If I've decided I'll never leave you either, I know it's scary but that tattoo isn't going away and neither am I. I'm sorry it took me way too long to know we're end-game. I will be loyal and prove it to you. When we're old and weathered this will still be our song. :)

Sullivan out.

Ps Lindsay was like where is Kat in that tattoo? She's dead Lindsay. We gotta move forward. Besides Charlie Rose is a witch kitten who will outlive all of us and probably cast spells if I make her mad.

Murmurations

I know what you're thinking and you're right. I never write anymore.

I'm sure all artists, whether you're a musician or a painter or a writer understand that voice in your head that won't leave you alone or go away until you do what it tells you to. Mine has been a lot of different personalities over the past eight years. Sometimes it's angry. Sometimes it just wants to be an advocate for people who have had their rights stolen. Sometimes, it has fallen in love with the worst possible choice in men ever. Not that most of them weren't decent guys, they were. Just the wrong choices. Then it just went silent. It woke up this morning, maybe because I felt so happy last night.

I could write a whole book on all the bad choices I've made in life. But I went home last weekend. My cousin was getting married and that was beautiful. I haven't had the easiest time with family. But he said something to me about how when someone is going through a hard time, family is always there for you. He wasn't talking about me, he wanted me to pass it on to my brother, but it resonated.

And family isn't just blood. I spent an evening with the girl I was best friends with when I was five years old. We both went though hell and got out of the JWs but we laughed about it all night. And then I came home. Here is as much home as home is. The only reason I had the opportunity to go to PEI was because I have such good friends in Toronto. People I can count on come what may. Y'all know I had a shit year. But it has been a year and it's always a new beginning come fall. :)

One of my best friends and I are going to a witches circle in a couple of weeks. It's so fun not to have rules anymore. I'll probably write a blog about that. She's blogging now too so maybe we can collaborate. It has been a long road. My other cousin told me once maybe I should wait to write a book until I know how it ends. This is how it ends. Happy. Not perfect. Surrounded by love.

I saw a reiki master awhile ago and I didn't tell her anything. I never do. Psychics, reiki, witches, if they are real they'll know about me without me giving them any information. She said my problem was that I had no idea how loved I was. Because honestly, that's what cults do to you. Make you feel guilty and wrong and unloved if you leave. She said she saw a flock of blackbirds flying in formation around me. I was a smartass and said that's called a murmuration. (Thank you to my lovely mentor GBW for teaching me that.) But how did she know I had blackbirds tattooed on my body and everywhere in my apartment and I never would be here today without my flock.

Y'all know who you are. Thank you for making me a better person, for putting up with me through this journey, for loving me in my perfectly imperfect state, for making me happy every day. For being the best family/"family" a girl could ask for.

Sullivan out.

Sparkle and Magic

I love this time of year. Not the crowded malls of course, but I'm never big on malls at any time of year. People are generally happier the closer we get to Christmas, even in a city as unfriendly as Toronto. The countdown to the holidays is even more exciting when you know your whole company shuts down for an entire week. It seems to be the one time of the year it's really ok not to check your email. :)

I went to a seminar last night and the speaker was Bernadette Morra, Editor-in-Chief of Fashion magazine. I ran into her in the bathroom, just before it began. It was just the two of us, her looking fabulous in Louis Vitton and me running in late from work. I froze up, smiled politely and didn't say a word.

For someone as successful as her, she really was quite funny, honest and down to earth. She started off the evening by asking how many of us wanted her job. Hands went up all over the room. She admitted that when she started down the path which has led her to her current career, she didn't know where she wanted to go.

I think I have a pretty good idea where I want to go in life at this point, the problem I'm still struggling with is how exactly do I get there? I asked her that after the session. She said: What is your obsession? What makes you different from everyone else and why do people read what you write?

I guess besides a few life experiences that aren't exactly commonplace, I'm not sure. I think people read me because they can relate, perhaps not to exactly what I've gone through, but for seriously getting the shit kicked out of me in life and somehow figuring out how to keep getting up. Most of us need to do that, over and over and over again. And on top of that figure out how to stay positive, how to keep being open to trust and love, how to follow our heart and protect it at the same time.

This last writing course that I took at Ryerson, hearing the ins and outs of freelance writing from people who do it for a living, was slightly discouraging. It really is a full-time job and it's hard to figure out where to come up with all that time and energy when you already have a full-time job, and one that you need to keep because you're not wealthy or a kept woman (unfortunately). But last night's speaker said they are always looking for new talent, hard working writers, people with sparkle and magic. She would know, she's definitely got that down. I think I still have it too and the more I shed the effects of the past few years, the more I can see it coming back, even if right now it's just faintly glimmering a bit.

As it ended, her and I were leaving the event at the same time. I was horrified of course because I was wearing mittens on a STRING and had already changed out of my heels and into my salt stained winter boots. I also couldn't help but think it was too bad I don't carry around a folder with some of my best blogs and a professional biography. Note to self: I gotta start doing that. And maybe buy some grown-up winter gloves to wear to events like this. 

It's so exciting to watch my readership growing every week, to see that people all around the world like to read what I've got to say. But I realize, what I really need is the RIGHT person to read me. So help a girl out, if you enjoy my blog please comment, share me, tweet me. I feel like I'm getting close - I just need a little magic. :)

Face Time

This is exciting. Thanks to my brilliant boss, I've figured out how to enhance my blog to make it totally better. Check it out: on the right side: most popular blogs from the past month. So you don't have to read the crappy ones. :)

Please click on the ads, apparently I've made a whole $12 without even knowing it because I didn't know how to set that up properly. Now that it's done, Google will be sending me a check. I'm going to spend it wisely.

At the bottom of the page, you can hit buttons to share me on FaceBook, Twitter, Google+. If you help me out I'll give you my $12. Remember: if Dumb and Dumber taught us anything, it's that an IOU is better than money.

And the best part - for all you Europeans, Asians, South Americans, is that there is now a translate button at the very bottom so you can read me in your own language. I'm sure something gets lost in the translation though, as a warning. It's like trying to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez in English, or worse yet, watching the movie version of Love in the Time of Cholera (El amor en los tiempos del cólera).

Speaking of love, I've decided to dispense some more relationship advice this time around. I know what you're thinking and you're right. Why should you listen to me? The one girl who always ends up single while all her girlfriends constantly "relationship". Have you thought though, that maybe that's exactly the reason why I'm the best person to tell you this?

I've been listening to y'all bitch and moan about what you aren't getting from your current (seemingly fine) relationship. And what I would like to tell you is that: no relationship is perfect. Far from it actually. In the world of FaceBook and Instagram, we all look at each other and envy what the other person has. We compare our lives to everyone else's and obviously they are succeeding where we are failing. One person has someone who is there all the time, to do family dinners and take them on trips and build a home together but craves the emotional intimacy they feel lacking. Another one, has the seemingly perfect partner, while they are secretly sad said partner never thinks in couple terms about the future, and only lives in the single-life mindset. Or what about the relationship with the guy with the great job, who owns his own property and wants to settle down and have a family, but refuses to be affectionate?

I'm going to do you all a favour and make it very simple to understand. There are just a few basic wants and needs your woman has and here they are:

1) Emotional Intimacy: a deep, personal attachment and connection. She can tell you how she feels and you understand and communicate your feelings, needs, emotions back to her. Easier said than done, I know, but without this, she feels lonely and misunderstood.

2) Affection. This has nothing to do with sex. (Although, gawd, you're an adult, have sex with your girlfriend already.) Hugs, a kiss on the cheek or forehead, hold her hand when you're walking home from work. That's it, this one is easy.

3) Commitment. It's not easy to love you if we feel like we might wake up tomorrow and you're not going to be there. Be there. We need reassurance and consistency.

4) Validation and acceptance. We need to know our feelings and opinions matter and you will take those into account when we make decisions together. Even if you make a decision that contradicts ours, we need to know you considered all our inputs as valid. We need to have a voice that's heard.

5) Quality time. Men and women are very different in this respect. It's been proven that men feel that they've spent quality time with their partner when they've spent the night watching tv together on the couch. Women need that connection, that conversation to feel like it's been a quality interaction. That doesn't need to happen every night, but it needs to factor into how you view the quality of your relationship. Face Time.

Face time is something women are good at, and I'm not just talking about the iPhone app. I did recently get an iPhone though, as y'all know, and for me and my girlfriends who aren't in Toronto, we all know how important it is to make that tiny special effort to look each other in the face and feel our bond, even of only for a few minutes. It kicks the ass of text messages, emails and even phone calls. Do it. She'll feel oh-so-special and love you for it.

Now, I'm not saying you have to do all the work. But this is some pretty basic, free advice that I'm giving you here, and at $150 a pop at relationship counselling, you should at least think about it. Men and women, we're programmed differently. We don't get each other but we can keep trying.

And PS don't feel bad for me that I'm home alone writing blogs while y'all are cuddling on dates. If things don't work out here in Toronto, maybe I'll end up marrying the American or Vienna so the time I spent alone working, going to school and learning to speak German and American will really pay off. It's all going to work out in the end if we stay true to ourselves and remember, when you choose to really be in a relationship, life stops being about you and starts being about someone else. And when they're happy, you'll be happy too. Trust me.

Dark Before Dawn

You gotta love technology. Being stuck in the past as long as I was, I was more surprised than anyone else when in a spur of the moment decision, I got rid of my BlackBerry and got an iPhone instead.

Why I didn't do this years ago, I don't know. It's awesome. And there you have it folks, that's the most exciting thing that's happened in weeks. Which is why, of course, I haven't been writing. It's probably just that fall is coming to an end, winter is coming (I finally caught up on Game of Thrones) but I've been feeling a bit down. Still.

"They" always say it's darkest before dawn. And "they" are right. What they don't tell you is that dawn can last an awfully long time. I think that's why I've been feeling the way I have. Before all the JWs start posting shit on my blog, let's be very clear I'm a happy person and this has nothing to do with you. But all of us can find ourselves at that spot where we've been working so hard (school, work, relationships, life) and it seem like nothing ever changes. Do you know what I mean?

It's not that I haven't been promoted at work or that I haven't had a break-through on the writing side, it's not that I haven't found "the one", it's not even that I have great friends but I still feel alone. It's the combination of all those things, plus, winter is coming.

On the work front, I shouldn't be surprised. Do I stress about it at nauseum, worry about it when I should be sleeping? Yes. But my boss knows this isn't really what I want. His great advice to me this week was to quit school and get a weekend job as a bartender so I can move to NYC and be a writer. Awesome.

School? Is fine. I'm type A, you're looking at As across the board here.

Relationships. I can't complain, the men I've dated have been lovely. Finding the right one, not as easy though, especially if you think you've already found him and he got away. Friends? I love my friends. I hate it though when all of them are in relationships at the same time. #lonelyweekends #thirdwheel

So I got out of the darkness, but the dawn dragging on this long is slightly depressing. Will it last? No, nothing ever lasts. It gets bad, it gets worse, it gets better.

In the meantime, if you're in my 'hood bring me a cupcake. I'm sad.

"Forget" You

Listen to this while you read me.

Happy long weekend everyone. : )

I love Labour Day weekend. Y'all know I get all sappy at Thanksgiving (I know we get presents at Christmas, but Thanksgiving is the best holiday ever), and I know that no one should be sappy about this long weekend. We should all just thank the Universe that we don't have to go to work. (Well most of us. Sorry JJ.)

I'm strangely excited though about the end of summer. Fall is my favorite season. It's so beautiful and melancholy. (Yup there's that word again.) I have to put away all my wee dresses, but we get to buy new sweaters. Tweed is always "in" and most years come fall, I die my hair red. Days get shorter, nights become crisp and everything dies. (Sorry, if that was morbid. But we're all gonna die people. Fall is the perfect reminder to do all the things you need to do before the leaves turn brown.) Winter is coming. (Yes, I know, I need to lay off the Game of Thrones. And stop italicizing things.)

Then though, we'll see spring and everything starts all over again, almost as if, from the beginning. And as many falls, springs, new years, birthdays I've been through, we could always use yet another fresh start. It might be the week off work or the two sessions with The Doctor, but I've gotta say I feel extremely grateful for life as it is. I think my little writing project has finally helped me find some closure. My Doctor asked me if I was scared that it's coming out and honestly, I'm not. I was, for a long time but not now. Now that I've given the story to someone else, I can talk about it, and it's just a story.

I want to thank everyone who's read me or been part of the the journey I've been on the past couple of years. This blog has been an important, no necessary, part of the healing process and when I started out I remember being so impressed when I had had 2,000 reads on here. Now we're almost at 20,000 and who knows what will happen soon? Jersey Shore says once I hit 50,000 I'm marketable so it doesn't seem that crazy to think that we can get there.

I've had family, both JW and not, who asked me why I had to do this. It inconveniences them I know. They want to know: if I want to be a writer, why can't I just write another story? I wish I could and maybe someday I will. One more Games of Thrones mention and I will stop, but it's fascinating how his imagination came up with all that. Although this will seem cliche coming from a girl from PEI, in Anne of Green Gables, the best advice she ever got was just to write about what she knew. So this might not be my last story, but it's definitely my first one, and the reason why y'all keep reading me.

I've had someone recently post on here, an old friend no doubt who I'm sure cares, why don't I just come back to them if I'm so obviously miserable? I want to make it very, very, very clear, I'm not miserable. The exact opposite actually. I'm overwhelmed with how many wonderful people I can call "family" now. I have trouble figuring out how to spend my weekends trying to fit everyone in who wants to see me. Sometimes, I have relapses and I need to talk about the past. Sometimes I worry about the children of the JWs now and what will happen to them if they buy into that and then become adults and change their minds. I worry about people like me who are constant people pleasers and will face the hardest battle if they ever decide to follow their heart.

Yes, I lost my mom. But I found another one. More than one actually, because here in Toronto I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and even a kid. Whatever happens, this is a success story already. And you can do it too, if you're ever wondering if it's possible to start all over. I have two bunches of fresh flowers from the market and a BBQ to get to. It's the long weekend. Let's have fun. And, THANK YOU : )

Sullivan out.