Adam

Sneak peek. I'm finally writing my book. I decided to call all the chapters by peoples names. You can tell me if that's a good idea, leave a comment. Apparently though you have to have their consent or if not change their names. So Adam is reviewing this one. 

Adam

When I met my ex-husband, I was still in the cult. I thought, this is as good as it gets. I was 16. Even if our marriage was far from perfect, I still think that having grown up the way he did, he was a pretty good person.

Not a good husband.

I married him but I wasn’t in love. On the outside, we were perfect. On the inside I was dying. I’m a romantic. He had every excuse in the book to not come home. Hockey, golf, boy’s nights.

I was at a point in my life where I was questioning the Jehovah’s Witnesses belief system. But of course you can never talk about that, or you will be labelled an apostate and shunned by all family and friends. Which did happen to me. But before that…

I met Adam.

We were work friends for two years. He was someone I could finally talk to about the truth. In my other life, nothing you ever did was good enough. Taking care of all these people, volunteering all your time. Didn’t matter, you just had to work harder. Be better. You are never good enough. Especially if you’re a woman.

Adam loved me just the way I was and with all my imperfections. We could talk about anything for hours. It happened organically and we never officially crossed the cheating line. Except I did because I fell so in love with him that I finally found the strength to give up everything and everyone else for the chance that we’d end up living in a house on the beach and having strawberry blonde children.

Every time I walked into the office my heart would beat faster. Every time I got a message on my phone I hoped it was him. I had never felt that way about anyone. 

Stuart, my ex-boss/ex-boyfriend took me out for drinks one night while this all was happening and he said Mahhhhgaux (he’s British) married men never leave their wives.

Adam is smart. He is handsome. And kind. And as much as I tell myself he never really loved me I think he did. When it was over, I tried to kill myself. After everything I had lost, I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it. Without the beach house and those kids.

Whatever the outcome was, Adam was my BIG love and the catalyst that got me to wake up and get out of the cult. I will always love him for that. I owe him my second life.

The Afterthought

I haven’t had a good rant lately so here we go. As I predicted not long ago, I’m already sick of dating again. It’s been all of about a month but I’m tired of playing Tinder. I met some really cute guys but no one of note, so as usual, I’m back to hanging out with my exes. It’s fun, I still get to go on “dates” just with no kissing, cuddling or sex.  

Now, every time I decide to date again, I know that half of the problem is me. I love the 27 year olds. Literally every guy I meet, the first question my girlfriends ask is “How old is he?”.

The 27s of the world are just so cute. :) But yes, usually we are looking for different things. I always have a lot of fun but most of them are not "dating to settle down" just yet, especially not with a grown-up girl like me.

So sometimes I swing the other way and date the “40-ish” crowd. Makes sense right? These guys are settled into their careers, snappy dressers, have hobbies and interests…you can’t help but think that all they are missing is you!

It’s become increasing clear though, that at that age there are 2 distinct categories in this group. There’s the guy who has been married or lived with someone long-term. He’s looking for the same thing you are: someone to meet up with for Friday “date night”, go for brunch with on the weekend. He’s not afraid to introduce you to his family or make plans more than a few days in advance. All this stuff is par for the course, been there, done that.

My problem is I keep dating the other category: The Bachelor. Now, I’m not saying there’s something wrong with someone who is approaching 40 and not in a relationship. There are reasons, maybe he’s been focusing on his career, maybe he’s had other interests or ambitions to pursue before settling down.

The issue here, from what I’ve seen, is now they have no idea how to do that. They think they want a relationship, but the “relationships” that have prepared them for you do not really line up with your definition of that word. So work still comes first. Then their friends and family (who of course you will not meet for months and months), then the gym, their hobbies and interests and then almost as an Afterthought…there’s you.

The Bachelor doesn’t really like to make plans. He’s used to waiting until the end of the day, and deciding what HE feels like doing tonight. Your best friends’ kid’s birthday party? That doesn’t sound like how he’s going to spend his Saturday. Your mother’s in town for the weekend? See you Monday, darling!

Now, his aversion to making plans will only apply to YOU. Try not to be disappointed when you ask if he wants to do something only to find out he’s got boy’s night/a work dinner/he’s out of town this weekend. Didn’t he mention that? Nope.

The classic example of course is Carrie and Big from SATC. But I look around at the girls I know and I think we all seem to be dating Big at some point or another. Which in our 30s gets frustrating. We have our own careers, friends, families, interests, we don’t need a boy to hang off our every word or be around every minute of the day. What we are looking for though, is just to not be that Afterthought who doesn’t even factor in to your plans unless…it’s convenient for you.

It’s our own fault of course, when we wait around all day Saturday to hear from you instead of just turning our phone off and going to yoga, but hey, we are girls! This is what we do. Very few of us could be called “Bachelors”. In our relationships, we’re thoughtful. We make plans and we keep them. We don’t expect our girlfriends to just be free at our whim to come out and give us some attention/affection whenever we feel like it.

You can’t change a man and the more years of Bachelorhood he has on you, the tougher that fight will be. Eventually it seems, the “Big”s of the world do come around, but Carrie had to spend 10 years being his Afterthought first and she was our age when the whole story began. If you’re determined to snag yourself a Bachelor, you might be in for a bit of a wait. :)