Beyond the Barricade

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I find myself without a past. I had one person left. (Wait for the book.)

People don't really get my relationship with my therapist. It's taken him a long time to "fix me". Too long in their eyes. I trusted in the process and I trust him. This couldn't have been an easy job. He told me he knew how sad I was that my last old life friend was taken from me by my family, what else did they have left to take? They went for the heart this time. I only blame myself for not seeing it coming from that crew.

Ross said think about it. She was the last link to your old life. You tell me sometimes you wake up confused because you dream you're still JW, you're still in your family, you're still married, you're still with your all old friends. Now, when you wake up it can really just be a dream. Shake it off and get on with your day. They are all GONE.

Would I trade everything for one day back there, in that life? There was a time I would have. Sometimes I call Jay "Travis" (I've never done that with anyone else) and we both pretend it never happened or maybe he doesn't even notice.  Either way, I'm with him. I love him. And with everyone else gone, I've come beyond the barricade and realized on the other side it's not entirely peaceful. It's the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I don't think it's circumstantial that I've been abused and taken advantage of out here. It happens in there too, to a lot of people and everyone should know that. It's me, I'm a different person. No one would have stood up to me before, but then I got broken and it started happening. I hate to say "me too" but it's true. It's happened.

Let's keep moving forward though and see what else is beyond the barricade. I learned the truth about myself. I have learned compassion, I have learned to grow. The finish line is immortal. The moments that define you have already happened and will happen again. And never, ever, ever, die before your death.

Sullivan out.

Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

Broken Arrow

Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow? - Rod Steward

It's been almost a year now since I've talked to most of my family. I went on a date today. It was awful, which is why I don't date. I thought a walk in the dog park would be so much more fun than the usual coffee date. He didn't like my dog so I took him home and we went for coffee, which apparently he doesn't even drink. I don't drink coffee either anymore but I took one for the team. He had a tea.

So I'm so over my family. But I'm not. I cried all night. I called my dad but although I love him, he's not me. Which is weird because I think I'm the most like him than anyone else in my family. He doesn't get me though. He's been through the hell that is Jehovah's Witnesses. It broke up the family. It took away his children. And raised them in a cult.

All he says to me though is that I have to be the bigger person. No hate, no bad feelings. Just be so open to letting them back. I had a realization the other night. It's coming up to my birthday, and that's the day I told Adam I loved him. It was seven years ago. Seven years of back and forth with him, with my family, with the JWs. I can't help but laugh that I have been so stupid. Seven years is a really long time to try to convince people who have left you that you're worth being loved.

So dad, I'm so done. I've tried for seven years. If there is going to be any kind of reconciliation, it's up to them. They can bring me a broken arrow. I don't need anything grandiose. But it's on them now. I even thought of maybe going to a Kingdom Hall tomorrow morning and asking for forgiveness because that's the only way I'll get my family back.

As you told me many times tonight, I'm an adult. And this adult chooses to not go back.. To not shut up about how horrible they are for tearing families apart. I'm a good person. I don't need religion to confirm that for me. I do miss you guys though. I hope everyone is well.