The Trifecta

It's like we're scared of getting good. The worst of me has brought out the worst in a lot of people. There are a few though, who I know my worst makes them their best. There are three people in Toronto who have been there and stuck with me through the past ten years. There would have been four, but sadly she passed.

Don't tell Jay I'm writing a blog, I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. Which is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I hate every word I write. I keep trying to make it better but this is the first challenge that's ever made me feel stupid. My prof is so kind and keeps trying to encourage me to see this through. Then it's over, finally. I know me, I'll probably wait five minutes and get bored and find some new challenging project. My brain is on overdrive and it won't calm down.

Maybe I'll do a PhD. Maybe I'll adopt another rescue animal. Maybe I'll learn yet another language. I literally can't stop. It's a beautiful trauma. I annoy myself.

Back in the day, when I left the jdubs I was lucky enough to get a good job. I had mentors and friends that I keep to this day. Three of them. One of them became my best friend. The other two never miss a birthday or a Christmas without a lunch or dinner.

They have definitely seen the worst of me. But they bring out the best in me. They celebrate my successes. In ten years of me being at my worst they haven't left me. The best in me wants to love them back. The worst of me has come out with everyone. I don't want to hurt people or lose people anymore.

Knowing you have your people who will always love you no matter what side of you they see that day? I have some other really great friends now. Jay is slowly helping me change from Blackbird to a Phoenix. But the Trifecta factor has been there with me in the trenches since the start. They think I'm strong. They see potential. They are all smart and successful so if they believe it, so should I. The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places. They will never know how much I love them. How much I needed them. :)

Sullivan out.

Lest we Forget

You know what I hate about all my job jumping? I never have the right clothes. So I have a closet full of thousands of dollars of corporate stuff which I hope I don't need ever again but if things get bad I might have to go back. I don't get rid of them.

Then I have my dog walking/work in a flower shop stuff. I can't get rid of those either. I still have to do both those things.

Now I run a boutique, money is scarce because an MBA is too expensive, but I need to dress the right way. Apparently after yesterday, that means layers and layers of clothes that reflect the store and during Christmas market the door never closes. I'm happy there but still cold to my bones from that never ending shift. I guess it doesn't matter what I wear because I have this awesome coat and a hat and mitts and that's what I'll be wearing every day since winter came way too early.

That's the thing Game of Thrones got right about: winter, it is coming. You just don't know when. This time last year I was out in a sweatshirt playing ball with my dog in the leaves. This year, different story.

Let me be devil's advocate for a minute and have a say. I'm late on my Remembrance Day blog. I was processing everything. Y'all know I'm not racist or have any sense of superiority being a white, straight girl with blonde hair. *hello asian guy in my bed, italian dog (also in my bed), black hair stylist/awesome friend, indian boss and all my gay besties.*

I kinda don't think what we did to Don Cherry was right. Am I all for immigrants? Sure. But Trudeau has put us in this spot where he spends so much money on that, our veterans suffer. They can't afford to live. But Trudeau will give millions of dollars to terrorists who have killed our people. So maybe Don should have been mad at Trudeau instead. I don't know. But didn't we love Cherry all these years because you never knew what he would wear and what he would say next?

If you don't want to wear a poppy, that's your choice. You probably don't have both sets of grandfathers who fought the war, lived through it, but it took it's toll. There are no winners or losers in war, just survivors. And yes that is a very thinly veiled reference to my life. 

I'm proud to be Canadian and to honour the ones that came before me by wearing a poppy. Should he have mentioned his feelings on TV? Probably not. But hear me out. Isn't that one of the freedoms our forefathers fought for? Freedom of speech.

The world is changing and we need to change with it. We're breaking a lot of unwritten rules that used to be lived by. But where does it end? Where does the freedom come from if we have to watch every word we say, everything we do. If that's your thing, might as well just  join a cult :)

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.(MLK) I think we all deserve the freedom of speech and the life that we were granted by our forefathers. For that I am grateful and sorry for those of us who don't get a second chance. No one is perfect. At least he's not suggesting we build a wall. :) 

Sullivan out. Peace. 

Beauty in the Breakdown

You know how when you're a kid you have a certain idea about how your life would turn out? I did. And I made it happen. It looked perfect from the outside. I had what everyone I knew wanted. I had a secret. I was horribly miserable so I broke it and started again. This time, it's not that pretty picture in my head. If you could see what's coming you wouldn't worry about today.

My corporate suits hang in the closet and never get touched. I think I have an unused marriage ring around here somewhere. I have a family I don't know anymore. And I'm home alone on a Saturday night because I'd rather wait for Jay to come back than go anywhere. I have two rescue kids one of which is a psychopath. Our wi-fi is literally "Rosie is Satan's span." I quit jobs whenever I want because I know I'm opening my own business and all this is just temporary. I get offered jobs every week so I'm not really worried.

I had a particularly bad day today and I'm talking to my girlfriend who has recently gone through a difficult breakup. She said, you know there is beauty in the breakdown. You let the negative leave your life and then you're open to the new. Being older and wiser, I think we make better decisions. All those plans that ended in disaster, all the broken happy ever afters...they got us to where we needed to be. Do I hate Filipino food? Of course I do. But I love Jay. I love my friends and I love their kids more than I thought I could. I love not wearing suits. I love wearing my stupid bell bottoms and big hoop earrings. I love being able to be my authentic self and not get judged for it. I love every day I get because I know I'm living on borrowed time.

There is beauty in the breakdown. Being able to speak our mind, tell our truth and move on. We need to remember that when we have a bad day. Cause a bad day can be a great day with one phone call and one perfect blog title. Being happy is the best revenge. It's a beautiful trauma. :)

Sullivan out.

Mirror in the Sky what is Love?

Can the child withing your heart rise above?

Do you ever feel so alone. Like no one in the goddamn universe understands you?

Like your friends never listen to your advice no matter how valid it is. You've see the other side, you know the outcome. That guy is not worth your tears. So they hang up and say they'll call you back. 'They don't cause they know I'm right. They drive to see him. Cause god forbid he made a tiny little  effort. A phone call.

So let's waste sleepless nights and insecurities and let that bad guy ruin a good girl. She sighs. When are men going to become better and people stop blaming us for making bad decisions. We're in a world of deciding what is the best of bad decisions available to us.

My guy is not perfect but he's the best guy I know. I didn't get everything I wanted, I wanted to have children. He didn't until it was too late.

He's pretty awesome all the other times. he picks movies for us to watch that he thinks I'll like. We watched one last night. Of course it was adorable, I love Rachel McAdams. It was a love story but the real love story was his family, him and his dad. Kinda reminded me of my dad.

Dad dies, movie ends. I cried. Then I couldn't stop. I was pretty bad, sobbing, and I'm an ugly crier so I looked worse today. When my uncle passed, my cousin called me. She's like, I'm sorry you didn't know he was sick. And that you had to hear this, this way. I smiled and said this is probably how I will find out my dad died. My aunt says I have to get over  him.

I was really upset after the movie. Granted I'm a Pisces and we cry a lot. But when I looked at Jay I knew he will never really understand, no one will. We have all had these different journeys but with my dad it's like a sword in my heart that I can't take out and will always carry on taking it with me. If I try to grab it, it cuts up my hands and I'm just the loser who cared too much. The rest of them? I don't really care. I was a daddy's girl and besides Grandma, he's the only one I will cry for.  But I won't be at the funeral.

Sullivan out.

The Best and the Worst

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with a lie. She only reveals what she wants you to see. She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me. 

She takes what she needs for herself. She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be. For some reason this song has been kicking around in my head all day. No idea why, not a huge Billy Joel fan and I was probably a toddler when he was cool. Can't get it out of my head so I'll write about it.

I used to be such a people pleaser. I didn't know I had any power at all, over anything. I was talking to a friend tonight about how so much of our identity is caught up in who we were as children. Were you the smart one? The pretty one? The geek? The one who was different from the others?

One day I realized I had all the power I needed. So I changed my life. I wasn't shutting up anymore when things were wrong. The people around me didn't like it. Who can blame them? I was the yes girl. You know who is unhappy in life? The yes people. I truly believe in doing everything within our power to help less advantaged people. I've devoted my life to it. The thing is, when you always say yes to everyone else, you end up always saying no to yourself. 

I keep running into my past life. The nightmares don't stop. I don't sleep a lot. It's like constantly running into a glass door that looked like it was open, but it never is, is it? I have literally spent thousands of dollars on therapy listening to them tell me to let go. To some degree I have. I've learned how to work with my strengths to get the things I want. I've learned how to hurt people. That never feels good. I've learned to make people believe what they want to believe and I've learned the consequences of only revealing what I want to and wounding others.

I did that out of self preservation, knowing people I love would stop loving me if I told the truth. Sometimes I wonder why am I the only person not allowed to tell the truth? But then I remember there are so many others who have it harder, whose truths might be darker, consequences more severe.

My girlfriend sent me her ex's wedding video today and it was amazing. (I will never say I didn't have an amazing wedding.) But one of the songs they used was the Rainbow Connection. You know, the Kermit the Frog song? My husband used to play that and sing it in the Kermit voice and when that played I cried. I cried for him, how I hurt him, and for me and how he hurt me. What we had and what we lost.

I got this fancy new tarot card deck. they're so pretty I don't even want to touch them. I'm comfortable with my old deck Jay bought me years ago at some festival in Greektown.

When I read my cards I get lots of swords. If I'm lucky enough to get a major arcana, I get strength or the tower or judgment. I never get the ten of cups. The rainbow. 

What's on the other side of the rainbow? They're visions. Only illusions. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. :)

Sullivan out.