Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

Broken Places

"The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places."

Lindsay loves it when I blog about her so here we go. My friend is focused. She knows what she wants and it's just love at the end of the day. I can't even count how many dates she's been on. (Just dates, don't go thinking all dirty.)

I can't remember everyone's name and sometimes I mix them all up. I usually do not like them. I told one of them that one night. We went for dinner and I just looked at him and said, I don't like you. I was right, he was an asshole, but she was understandably worried when I was coming over to meet her new boyfriend.

He is lovely. Even my jaded, critical mind couldn't find anything wrong with him. He made us dinner and did the dishes so we could have some alone time to catch up. We all want to be loved. Some of us just work harder at it. I don't really date. I hate new people and they always end up being disappointing.

I did date one guy this past year who got to me. In seven years since Adam, no one gets to me. My heart has really huge walls and they are covered in barb wire, unless you are in the inner circle, you don't get in.

He was a very old friend though and I actually loved him. It irritates me how everyone says it wasn't a "real relationship". Yah I'm talking about you, my family. If something feels real to you, all the people who judge you are just noise. Hey, I've spent 7 years on here talking about Adam. I don't care about that anymore. If all this guy did is get me to the other side, good on him.

I told Lindsay they were moving too fast. But, I'm just noise. I want her to be happy and she is. I just can't shake the side of me that doesn't trust anyone anymore. That prefers to be alone rather than to be courageous and put myself out there like she does.

I literally have three people I trust. Four people if we count my therapist. I cherish them. People who I know, in my darkest hour, I can call and they won't judge me. If the depression comes back and I can't leave the apartment, they will walk my dog. And make me eat. Three people is all you really need. :)

Meryl Streep said last night to take your broken heart and turn it into art, My heart has been broken so many times I can't count it anymore. I hate that I still love those people. But I'm working on a book. And the broken places? They are all just blog fodder. I am still cute. I could pretend on social media that I'm perfect. You would never know the truth. I'd rather be honest. That's why y'all still read me right?

Sullivan out.

"Big"

I went on a date the other night. This guy looks so much like that guy. Y'all know who I'm talking about, the one I was mad about, the one who ruined everything in my life and made everything right at the same time. Let's just say he's my "Big". 

It's like the Universe reincarnated him into some cute 28 year old and sent him back to me. I know, I know he's not dead so he can't be reincarnated. I know stuff about religion. I also know I should not be dating 28 year olds. :)

It's still strange. Even personality wise they are very similar. They grew up in the same area. I can't decide if going down this road is the best or worst idea I've ever had. Probably worst but you know me, I'll see how it plays out. 

Big - if you're wondering, I still miss you every day. I know you are my soulmate and this whole dating thing is just an exercise in futility. But what else can I do? Give up? Not this girl. Besides, if you can decide to settle for second best, so can I. 

I've got so many other things on the go right now with work stuff, family stuff, trying to talk myself out of adopting these two drunk kittens (that's another story), I'm really not obsessing about this. I've also gotten to the point where I realize it's been way too long since I got my hair done or seen my therapist. Time to get back on track for spring and hair and mind are equally critical. :) 

Still, I can't help but stare at him. He notices. 

The Universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humour. - Carrie