No Freedom Until We Are Equal

I've been thinking about how to write this for over a week. I'm still not sure I know. Jay and I watch the news. A lot. Then we watch all the late night tv hosts. In America, our lives are not equal yet. Not when Black men are dying at the hands of white police officers over nothing but a pack a cigarettes. Not when I can't go for brunch or on vacation with my partner without getting dirty looks.

Racism is alive and thriving mostly I think because we have a Hitler running the White House.

My friend called me yesterday and said if you go for a walk this weekend be really careful. There's going to be protests near us and maybe riots, a large group is coming up from the US. I'm white privilege so I'd be a target. First COVID and then we're heading towards civil war in the US.

Guess what? I might be white but I am not privileged. I had a difficult upbringing. I've actually had a pretty shitty life. I was raised in a cult. Men have tried to rape me. Everything I've achieved I've done it alone. I don't understand what it's like to be a person of colour or a minority.

But I can tell you this. My best friend is a lesbian. My best friend before her, until she died of cancer, was Black. My partner is a different colour than me. I have marched in the pride parade. I have embraced different cultures.

I'm scared of what's coming next. More violence? More discrimination? Human rights are for everyone, there is no difference, we can't remain voiceless. I'll say it straight - white people have no right to take advantage of other cultures anymore. We need to be kind. Right now we are NOT. Let's do better. And honour the ones who have passed unnecessarily like George Floyd.

We can't really change who we are on the inside, but we can try. We can try to be better. I try to be better every day, because I know being pretty is not enough. And that's what the world needs right now. Kindness. No freedom till we are equal.

Sullivan out.

Heaven and Hell

They tricked us. Heaven and hell - they are both just places on earth. During this recent epidemic it's more hell than heaven. But people though are stepping up. Some are going crazy, but a lot have learned to be kinder. To help those in need. The majority of us have stopped thinking about ourselves and take measures to keep others safe.

To leave food or flowers outside the door for our neighbours. To wear a mask when we go out. And keep friends that we desperately need and miss 6 feet away, if we see them at all. No more hugs no more parties. IF we are doing this right and are hoping us and the people we love to get through it.

I need to be particularly careful because I have stage 4 liver disease. I'm tired of hiding so there it is. Stage 4 is the last stage so I have anywhere from tomorrow to forever (if someone wants to volunteer a piece of their liver). Yah I drank too much. I had lost my entire life, not that it's a reason to be self destructive but show me someone who hasn't, considering the circumstances. Then I got e.coli probably from a spinach salad trying to be healthy. They gave me a 10% chance to live. Then the topper was needing a blood transfusion and being given the wrong blood. I think I had less than a 10% chance that time. The doctors thought they killed me that time and it was their fault.

I've been feeling sorry for myself the past two days, I'm over it. My therapist says my bounce back time is really really good now. Doctors have no idea what they are doing but if I die young I'm okay with that. Jay and I would like to travel a bit so hopefully it's not tomorrow that takes me :)

Half of my Heart

I'm an empath. One of my girlfriends always says she owes me thousands of dollars in therapy. Which is probably thanks to the thousands of dollars I've spent in therapy. For Christmas I got three books on being an empath and how to balance it.

I'm not gonna lie to y'all it's a fine line to walk. Caring enough to help but not caring too much that it brings you down with the shipwreck. It's something we didn't think we'd see in out lifetime so thank gawd for the the health care system and all essential workers who keep our country going.

I just don't do things the way a normal person does. I laugh when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad. I can't be half hearted. This epidemic would make anyone either very upset or pretend it's not happening at all. Now children are dying. Not just older people. Don't even get me started on how Trump is trying to kill America. To keep the money rolling in. His own people keep getting sick and dying. Protests in the streets, people killing each other for no reason. History is going back in time, not forward and if you're smart enough you know exactly who I'm talking about.

We're dying here too, but more slowly than a country run by some ego maniac. We're taking it slow. Doing what we can.

I know this is killing the economy. I know people are lining up overnight at food banks. I know as long as we are doing okay, that if I was still JW I would probably be so happy that all the things they told us were finally coming true and paradise was coming. That it's the end of the world as we know it. But that's a bunch of selfish people thinking only about them, not the rest of the world.

Instead, I live with a guy, a dog and a cat. I have no predisposed ideas about getting into paradise at this point. I have a bad immune system so he won't let me leave the house without an M3 N-95 mask. I'm allergic to all fabrics that are synthetic so my allergies kicked in and now I've been walking around with a black eye for 5 or 6 days cause I'm allergic to those masks. Imagine how much fun my Zoom meetings at work have been with a black eye.

Ben is the only one allowed to come over and he does, every day. We have our little quarantine family. Sometimes Lindsay and Declan pop by and we say hi, them on the sidewalk, me out the window. My Taurus doesn't really understand the Pisces. That even a fish can die underwater for so long.

COVID doesn't seem to be going away. Maybe in times like these we should look outside ourselves and find ways to help others. The non profit I work for does not receive government funding or money from the United Way. They rely solely on donations. Our fundraising events for the spring/summer? Not gonna happen.

I know we're all struggling financially, but if you're one of those who aren't, if you're happy and comfortable in life, please think about helping others who need support now more than ever before. Eating disorders are the #2 cause of death out of all mental health issues.

www.sheenasplace.org/donate

We appreciate any support that helps us help other. But don't do anything unless your whole heart is in it. Half of a heart is not going to get us out of this mess, despite the best intentions.

Sullivan out.

Broken wings don't fly

Whenever I feel far from home, facing the world on my own you are the calm in my storm you are the light that's guiding me, the only one I see, the only one need. You're my gravity. 

I was supposed to go home last summer. It didn't work out. So I said I'd be there in the spring. That's not working out either. My grandma is one of my best friends. If you looked up "unconditional love" in the dictionary it would be a picture of her. I like to think I got some of her traits.

She really wants to meet Jay. I know y'all must be sick of hearing me talk about him but he's my gravity. Keeps me grounded. I got sick for a long time and had to leave my job while I was doing my MBA. He's like don't worry about money, we'll figure it out, you have to finish it. I feel like gravity is always trying to bring me down. Not gonna happen.

Before this whole epidemic broke out I was looking at places to lease to start a flower shop. He wanted to open a bar but he totally supported me. He's like, we'll get yours going first.

I think I've mentioned it enough on this blog, but I haven't always been the best girlfriend. To borrow a quote from Lindsay, I'm not sitting here with angel wings. I just got lucky. Are Jay and I the perfect couple? Of course not, nothings perfect. But he's as close to being home that I can get cause I can't go home. He is actually the calm in my storm of a life. I get these panic attacks and he just rubs my back and holds my hand until they go away.

I know as soon as this mess is over and we can travel he'll take me back east. That was our plan. He keeps reminding me and his smile pulls me through.

I know we're all struggling now, being isolated, being afraid of getting sick. But we're in it together. And we will get out of it together. There will be a calm after the storm, and that's when I'll go home. : )

Sullivan out.

Please, please don't leave me.

I can't sleep. This virus is messing with my head. All my friends are kinda depressed. Everyone has lost their jobs, including my boyfriend. You try to stay positive but life has changed so much. You can't go to work, you can't shop, you can't travel, you can't go to a restaurant. Suddenly, you are quarantined in your apartment with your partner, your dog and your cat. You miss your friends, you miss their babies.

But there's really nothing else you can do right now if you want to stay alive. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I have a place to live and I don't have to live alone. I've had so many health issues my friends are afraid to see me because they might make me sick and I get it. I'm afraid of that too.

I've never missed my dad and my grandma so much. It's like the choice to see them is taken away and you realize you should have gone home more.

Every day, unless I have a zoom meeting at work, there's no reason to get out of your pjs. I think I wore the same tshirt three days in a row this week. Your doctors and therapists only do phone meetings which is fine with me. I thought I hated leaving the apartment until I couldn't.

That's not what bothers me though. My best friend "on the outside" died a few years ago. It was hard for me, harder for her. At least I got to be there on her last night and kiss her goodbye. These days we don't know. Maybe I wouldn't get the chance to be there for someone else like I was for her. So y'all stay safe and alive for me okay? Cause I can't lose anyone else.

In the meantime, all we can do is get up every day and try. My dad is such an advocate for being positive and looking on the bright side.

Suck it up buttercup. Better days are ahead.

Sullivan out.

Year of the Snake

It's not really. In the Chinese calendar it's year of the Rooster. But in that calendar, I'm a snake. Which I never could understand because they've always been my phobia. Can't look at a picture or see them on tv, I find them terrifying.

Did you know though that snakes shed their skin 2-4 times a year? Maybe I am one of theirs. I've changed so much over the past ten years, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. The pendulum has swung both ways and I ended up somewhere in the middle. My other grandmother was famous for saying "As long as they land on their feet" and I feel I have.

I got an MBA. I love my job. I'm even getting used to living through Armageddon. I miss my friends but we call and FaceTime and I have a dog at home and a guy who loves me so much he'd probably kill me if I tried to take the subway during this epidemic.

This week things started arriving. We order online a lot now. He ordered dishes, cookware, bedding. New stuff for the apartment. My first thought was OMG I'm married again. He's never leaving. I've been on my own so long I'm not used to people not leaving. It's kinda out of my comfort zone. My second thought was...I'm worth not leaving. 

I know I need to keep shedding my skin, keep improving, keep moving forward the best I can, everyday. Watch out though, some snakes bite. :)

Sullivan out.

Go away, make me want to miss you

Self isolation doesn't seem to be hitting me as hard as some others. I think that's because I already went through a year of it. And fortunately unlike a lot of people, I still have a job.

Home has always been my safe place and now I get to be here a lot. My friends are all still safe. And I've seen kindness that doesn't always come with living in Toronto.

The only person I'm "allowed" to go see is my old boss. He had to close the flower shop so I just pop in every couple of days to check up and make sure everyone is okay. Usually bring home some flowers.

My boyfriend is very cautious cause hey, if anyone is going to die from this it'll be the girl who is always in the hospital. So I wear my mask and gloves and stay away from mostly everyone. The thing he doesn't get is while I worry about others, I'm not worried about me, I'm never going to die. It would have happened by now.

I worry about him and the others who aren't used to being isolated without a social system. In this pandemic, people have lost more than their health. They have lost who they are. Without our jobs and our friends and our constantly overloaded calendars of things to do, who are we?

We are basically living a country music song, three chords and the truth. The truth is not always easy to accept. I miss my girlfriends, hell I even miss working from my office. But this won't kill me. I still have to get home to see my grandma it was supposed to have happened already. And Jay and I put off our trip to Costa Rica last year, so we gotta do that too.

I'm happy we got to Nashville before this really broke out in North America. When one of us is having a bad day Lindsay or I will just say remember when we were in Nashville? We went to the Bluebird! LEGENDARY.

For the next few months, we just need to be careful and keep trying to be grateful for what we have and have had. Maybe we're just getting by. That's good enough for now. C'mon people, let's at least try to remember what day of the week it is. And shower and change our clothes once in awhile. Or all we will go down in history is a tragic story of some guy half a world away who ate a bat and then everyone fought over toilet paper. We don't want to be remembered for that!

The other day my old boss was cleaning out the store and he gave me tons of flowers. Too many to handle really. I made little bouquets and left them outside all my neighbours doors. One of them dropped off dinner for me the other night and left it outside my door and we both made it at the same time and just talked on the phone while we ate. One of my girlfriends got, by the grace of the Gods, some disinfecting wipes and left them outside my door. This is what we want to be remembered for. Little acts of kindness. And we will never take for granted FaceTime, toilet paper or Lysol wipes again. Just remember during this crisis, there's more to life than Netflix. :)

There are tons of places that would love to have volunteers to pick up phone calls and talk to people who need help. If you're doing a grocery run think about who might need something from the store, especially those who can't get out at all. And there are lots of things we can do from home to help and stay feeling fulfilled.

And eventually, it will pass and life will go back to normal. Hopefully we learned something. Don't lose hope, send it to other people and we can all come out of this better, stronger.

Just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. You got to get up and try. - Pink 

If I'm wrong blow me one last kiss and we'll all call it even.

Sullivan out.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Well since the Spanish influenza this is our biggest test. Who will live and who will die. My cat will definitely survive she's so evil. I feel like we are in game of thrones but we're fighting over toilet paper, not lives. Maybe the Jdubs were right its Armageddon. Or maybe just the universe sending us a sign to stop taking for granted what he have.

Me? I'm not so sure. Honestly, we've been self isolating and watching the news a lot. I don't have the greatest immune system. Sometimes I'm allowed to leave the apartment but only wearing this (pic below)

My hope since yes, I am sincerely an optimist, is this time alone together will make us stronger. Will make us appreciate our loved ones we can only FaceTime with. Will make us turn inward and embrace the things we always wanted to do but said we never had the time. Will make us more compassionate to other cultures? I hope so that in this way we can  honor the victims whose lives were cut too short.

Remind us to live every day like its our last and be kind. Live free and die hard. (sorry that's just my thing)

Sullivan out.

Self Care

Here's a story you haven't heard yet. I am in love with this gay guy. Oh I love Jay too. I just think Benny Drama is the best. Jay always says I love everyone so it doesn't mean that much but I really do so it actually does.

So I forced one of my besties to come see his show with me. I will never forget that night because we actually had a snowstorm on November 11th. So we get to the show and they are playing this slideshow of pictures of his life and I'm just watching. Then Ty taps me on the shoulder and was like, uh he's behind you and he's coming for you. There was probably about a thousand people there.

He was wearing a blonde wig and a pink negligee and he walked right down, sat on my lap and sang a song. Ty called it but I don't think either of us actually believed it till it happened. All the other girls were jealous I was the only one he went to that night. And tell you what? One of my best memories ever. I could bump into Taylor Swift and I'd be like, oh hey girl but I was heart eye emoji for Benny.

He does these videos on your astrological sign. They are hilarious. Jay is a Taurus and it's all "Self care! I just want to cuddle you! Self care!" Jay took January off work. The reason he wrote in his request was "self care". Mine is Pisces and it's 100% Margaux. The girl he plays in that one is blonde and crazy.

I'm happy he's successful and shares the fun with the rest of us. And despite our gay/straight differences I'm pretty sure he knows I'm the one who got away. :)

Sullivan out.

Hey Soul Sister!

I woke up at 3 am and went to the kitchen. I thought I'd get a bowl of rice and a glass of water. Oh the perks of living in sin with an Asian, there's always fresh rice.

Jay: Bad dreams?
Me: Is there any other kind?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I guess she's 41 now. The days are long but the years are short. I don't really think about my family. Both my therapists are not fans, they think of them more like an infected limb I should cut off and be done with it before it spreads all through me. Does that hurt? Don't do it. 

They are probably right. But my sister. We've been through a lot together. A lot of her problems, she was never around for mine. I was always there for her though. I haven't seen her or my mother in over three years. Since she invited me and then uninvited me to her wedding. One of the biggest traumas in my life, I have to admit. When she gave me the invitation I said, are you sure? She said of course, you're my sister. Then the elders got involved and even though I'd bought a dress, wrote a card, had the wedding present, I wasn't allowed to go.

My family came to Toronto and drove by my place on their way to the wedding. I was sitting on the window in my pjs smoking. Yah, I used to smoke. They honked and waved like it was any other day of the week. I went out and drank until I didn't have any more feelings.

That was a long time ago now and I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Not by blood but out of love. I understand why my therapists and everyone else wants me to stay away from my family. The blood ties though are strong and pull at you every once in awhile. These people are pretty much strangers to me at this point but I still miss them. And wherever my sister is, I hope she's happier than I was in that life and wish her all the best.

Sullivan out.

The Unicorn and the Mermaid

I missed my usual New Years Eve post. I was sick sick sick. Y'all know I'm all about new beginnings and I usually write about having yet another chance to start over.

One of my besties came by and we did our gift exchange. All my friends are all over the place, I don't have a "crew" per se, so I had to do all these different Christmas exchange dinners and meet ups all week. He got the worst one. I was leaving the next day and he was like we can't do Christmas after New Years. So he came over and saw me in at my worst. I love him because he's so kind, so sweet and he always tell me I'm so beautiful. Inside and out. I was not beautiful that night.

He goes by 21 and I'm 27 but we know each others' real ages. We went to a drag show I literally dragged him to in a snowstorm on November 11th. Hello, my name is Margaux and I'm in love with Benny Drama. No one else would have come with me.

That's why I still believe every day, not just our birthday, not just New Years, not just a changing season, can be a new beginning and we don't know what it will bring. One weekend I picked up a random extra job on a movie set and of course was drawn to the most genuine person in the room. That was more than half a year ago. My boyfriend will tell me if you're calling him now I'm watching a movie because your conversations are never less than 3 hours long. It's true.

I know most of you don't believe this but I know who I knew in my past lives and who I didn't. Gawd, I love Jay but he's new in this life. This other guy, we have been re-united. Both of us live on that side of the rainbow where we're not quite there yet but we see the other side so we are always looking for the positive. Over the rainbow. :)

Unique in our own ways, I call him the Unicorn and he calls me the mermaid. One half in reality one in the sense of wonderment over what can be. That's what keeps us young. He showed up for the show about 5 minutes after me. We had to show ID at the door. The girl checking it was like you're seriously messing with me. That's not real. I'm like yah it is, that's my real birthday. She just shook her head and let me in. Then he showed up. She was like, no way. There's two of you? Is this real? You must be with that blonde girl who doesn't age.

Jay says age is all in our mind. I'm sure it'll catch up with us eventually but for now, we're still just a bunch of adult kids making the most of life, one day at a time.

He got me this for the tree. Cheers to a New Year, to good friends and to be open to what the future holds for all of us. Wishing everyone all the best in 2020.

Sullivan out.