Go away, make me want to miss you

Self isolation doesn't seem to be hitting me as hard as some others. I think that's because I already went through a year of it. And fortunately unlike a lot of people, I still have a job.

Home has always been my safe place and now I get to be here a lot. My friends are all still safe. And I've seen kindness that doesn't always come with living in Toronto.

The only person I'm "allowed" to go see is my old boss. He had to close the flower shop so I just pop in every couple of days to check up and make sure everyone is okay. Usually bring home some flowers.

My boyfriend is very cautious cause hey, if anyone is going to die from this it'll be the girl who is always in the hospital. So I wear my mask and gloves and stay away from mostly everyone. The thing he doesn't get is while I worry about others, I'm not worried about me, I'm never going to die. It would have happened by now.

I worry about him and the others who aren't used to being isolated without a social system. In this pandemic, people have lost more than their health. They have lost who they are. Without our jobs and our friends and our constantly overloaded calendars of things to do, who are we?

We are basically living a country music song, three chords and the truth. The truth is not always easy to accept. I miss my girlfriends, hell I even miss working from my office. But this won't kill me. I still have to get home to see my grandma it was supposed to have happened already. And Jay and I put off our trip to Costa Rica last year, so we gotta do that too.

I'm happy we got to Nashville before this really broke out in North America. When one of us is having a bad day Lindsay or I will just say remember when we were in Nashville? We went to the Bluebird! LEGENDARY.

For the next few months, we just need to be careful and keep trying to be grateful for what we have and have had. Maybe we're just getting by. That's good enough for now. C'mon people, let's at least try to remember what day of the week it is. And shower and change our clothes once in awhile. Or all we will go down in history is a tragic story of some guy half a world away who ate a bat and then everyone fought over toilet paper. We don't want to be remembered for that!

The other day my old boss was cleaning out the store and he gave me tons of flowers. Too many to handle really. I made little bouquets and left them outside all my neighbours doors. One of them dropped off dinner for me the other night and left it outside my door and we both made it at the same time and just talked on the phone while we ate. One of my girlfriends got, by the grace of the Gods, some disinfecting wipes and left them outside my door. This is what we want to be remembered for. Little acts of kindness. And we will never take for granted FaceTime, toilet paper or Lysol wipes again. Just remember during this crisis, there's more to life than Netflix. :)

There are tons of places that would love to have volunteers to pick up phone calls and talk to people who need help. If you're doing a grocery run think about who might need something from the store, especially those who can't get out at all. And there are lots of things we can do from home to help and stay feeling fulfilled.

And eventually, it will pass and life will go back to normal. Hopefully we learned something. Don't lose hope, send it to other people and we can all come out of this better, stronger.

Just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. You got to get up and try. - Pink 

If I'm wrong blow me one last kiss and we'll all call it even.

Sullivan out.

Look What I Found

"Somebody who loves me someone who cares. Another piece of my heart lying on the ground."

I was talking to a friend this morning. He asked how I was. I said I'd been running around, working a lot, and two of my best friends and two of their kids all have birthdays in a three week span. I told Jay yesterday maybe it was better to be in the cult because birthdays are a lot of work.

Jay has always been so overboard on the holidays with me. Perfect Christmas trees that we put up in November and take down in January. Perfect presents. He always said he felt so sad I didn't get to have holidays growing up. I didn't understand why he was sad. For me it was just par for the course. It took me a long time to catch up with even remembering when the holidays were.

My dad wasn't in the cult so he would give me birthday and Christmas presents. My mother would make me give them back. I was maybe 6?

Being there with my girlfriends kids and seeing pictures, there were presents and cake and candles and happiness. I finally understood why he felt bad for me.

I still don't really feel bad for myself. Because look at what I found. The best friends, the best guy. Real, not fake happiness.

Maybe it's time to let the old life die. :)

Sullivan out.

You Can't Hurry Love

"No, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take." 

I know, I never listen to Phil Collins but I started with Cher and it got all old school dad's music. Today I finally had a day off. My friend texted me and he's like god, I'm so sick. I should be at this protest. And I say don't worry, I got it. I didn't even know we were protesting today. But some "christian" group was doing an anti-gay protest and we were protesting them protesting.

What the eff? I know we've come a long way. As long as so called Christians are repressing us from being our authentic selves we have to keep fighting. And by fighting I mean cheering and dancing in the rain to Cher. Granted I may have been the only straight person on front street today. Maybe not. But no one cared. Everyone was there. The lipstick lesbians and the butch ones. The bears, the pretty boys, the drag queens.

Not usually a fan of politicians but our mayor gave a good speech and he said we couldn't stop the Christians from protesting. We could however, show we don't agree with their mentality. That Toronto is welcoming to everyone regardless of race, sex, religion or sexual orientation. That's the goal we are striving towards. But...you can't hurry love. I feel some compassion for them. I used to be in a place where anyone who didn't believe the same thing was a sinner and an outsider. It was a miserable place to be. I know for a fact a lot of people following those rules still miss me.

There was literally one cop on our side of the fence. We are not violent or aggressive but we will keep fighting until all of us are equal. I believe that day will come, where the hurting stops and love will win. :)

Sullivan out.

It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business. 

Ready to Run

When I got married, I knew I'd get divorced. My dad was walking me down the aisle and before we started he was like, we don't have to do this. We have a car outside. We can just leave. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. 

One of my favorite ex boyfriends used to call me "Little Flight Risk". He was a great guy. Wanted to marry me and have kids. Been there, done that. Not the having kids part but the wanting to.

I've become famous for leaving jobs. A friend called me the other day, he was like, just checking in. Wanted to see if you still had a job.

It's difficult to trust anyone when you've lost everyone. I really don't think I'm cut out to be a corporate Bay Street bitch anymore, so I think I'll just open a flower shop and put that MBA to good use. :)

The guy I'm with now? Oh, he's not my type. And how many times have I run away? I can't count. But. The other night I was freaking out because I was writing a paper and my printer stopped working. I'm old school and I cannot work on the internet. I needed my paper copies of all these studies I'm analyzing. So he went to an internet cafe (yes those still exist apparently) at 1 am and printed them all off. He won't let me quit my MBA (I have one course left so that would be stupid) but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. He always tells me to just go back to the flower shop and learn as much as I can from my boss and we'll figure out how to get our own thing going.

Sounds good to me. On one hand, I'm like where exactly was all this acceptance, support and love when I was growing up? On the other hand, I finally found it.

Yesterday was his birthday and I always think a birthday is a new beginning. If I were him, I'd start the new year by kicking me to the curb, but he hasn't so I'm pretty sure we're end game. I have loved very deeply in the past. While I still try to be a good person, I also try not to love too much because it always ends up hurting me. Before that happens, I run away. There is however something to be said for sticking it out.

Oh, the perils of self-improvement. This time I'm not leaving because it's worth the work to stay. Dammit. Guess I'm just finally in the right place. To quote RuPaul (which I never do) "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you ever gonna love someone else? Can I get an Amen!" Amen.

Sullivan out.

Life will be the death of me...

...and you. At this point Chelsea Handler should be paying me to plug her book. But it really is a great title. I'm all about the titles takes me longer to pick one than writing a blog.

So y'all know I'm brutal truth like she is just a little more lady like. What saves people like us is a sense of humour. This past week I was trying to cheer up a friend going through a rough time. But her close friend was too. My best friend says I'm hilarious because no matter what life throws at me I'm always doing triage on all my friends. So we call. And call. And text. She will not pick up. When she finally does, she says I'm not suicidal I just don't want to live anymore. That was the funniest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. So we laughed like real bring tears to your eyes laughter.

You're not allowed to laugh if you've never dealt with depression. I'm a huge mental health advocate I think I've had seven maybe eight therapists? One guy has always been THE ONE. Then this guy in Nova Scotia is my number two. If you've been through it, you know someone can make that comment and it's funny.

The good thing about life is we're all like the ocean. Or maybe just us Pisces. It comes in waves. And I'm on top of a wave right now and maybe next time it'll be me saying something so real. One of us is always on top of the wave in a lifeboat. Our roles go back and forth. But we get to shore together.

End of the day, I believe in women helping each other because we understand each other. Sometimes you meet a good guy who tries to be part of the solution. Who built that lifeboat I pick people out of the water from? It's the nicest guy I ever met. Who cares about my family and friends even if he gets nothing in return. He would open his wallet and take the shirt off his back for anyone who needed it.

I have felt like my friend does now.

I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to live anymore. Look hard enough though, and there's always a reason to get up the next morning. For me it's my boyfriend/man-friend/husband/life partner/lover/whatever you want to call him, my dog, my grandma, my beautiful niece, my friends, my studies, my books...the people who read what I write the list goes on...I have so much to be grateful for.

We aren't getting out of here alive. Might as well be real, be honest, live well, die well. I tip my hat to Chelsea for writing such an honest book.

All of us are Game of Thrones cult kids. So I deflected. I was like new season starts Sunday lets make a deadline and place our bets on who will take the Throne. And you know what? We all had tons of laughs and made it through the last few days on text message and video calls.

I think she feels better.

It's that easy to be an ally to someone suffering from depression. Don't tell them they are being too emotional, make them laugh. When I've gone through it in the past, Jay always says "we got this". Knowing someone has your back even if it's possible your character will kill their character in the final season of games makes you keep fighting. Cause you have backup. Him and I? We dress up like I'm Uma and he's one of the crazy 88s every Halloween (Kill Bill) we kinda look like them in the movie. So we are basically trying to kill each other once a year. People cheer at us on the street and yell KILL BILL! because it's actually really funny and yes that yellow jumpsuit cost me a lot but was totally worth it to never ever have to wear heels on Halloween.

Then we live to see another day. Except you girls are all going down in this final Season. I'm taking the Throne. :) 

I never do this anymore but here's your "Friday morning life is good" song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDcTyyXQb8

"People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one, and we've just begun.. Even though we aint got money I'm so in love with you hunny. Everything is going to be alright. Everything will bring a chain of love. Now I see a family where there once was none." Good song. We haven't just begun. We've been up and down this road for almost a decade. This time is different. Lindsay says I love everyone and I do, but I'm through with the game. Life led me back to him. From now on...I love Jay more than anyone except Max and Grandma. And now I have a niece. And a family. He's end game, this life. I believed love never dies, but it does and then eventually like spring it starts again. New. We re-wrote the stars because we are not supposed to end up together.

This guy will build me as many lifeboats as I need so we're all okay until life is the death of us :)

Sullivan (Snow/the Bride) out. If you've never watched those shows you won't get the reference. 

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness of Being Happy

I feel sorry for millenials. All true forms of art seem to be dying off with our childhood heroes. And we're not kidding anyone, we came way before the millenials. Bowie, Prince, Michael Jackson *oh yah i totally went there* everyone who has ever written a book worth reading? Dead. Except Margaret Atwood and I have some suspicions that she's actually dead pretending to be alive, I met her (she's dead).  I was looking at books at a book store the other day. They had roughly drawn stick pictures in them. I'm like this make the New York Times? *she shakes her head* and remembers she has overdue library books.

I'm as much to blame as anyone else. Everyone is like, you're a writer? Yes. You have a book? Yes. Is it hidden in some secret file on my computer that I intent to leave a letter with the instructions on how to find it with Jay for when I die? Yes.

When I get upset, I don't say, I'm feeling conflicted. I need to take some time to figure out the most positive course of action. One that will enable me and those I care for to successfully navigate this situation and ensure the best possible outcome.

I send my best a friend a text that says "FML". While I truly love the eff word deeply, I'm not using my better words anymore.

You know what's a great word? Melancholy. 

On that note, I tolerate my MBA, with only one course left after this one, I don't care anymore. I'm struggling to figure out why I cared in the first place. All that time and money. Will those three little letters after my name change anything? NO. Life doesn't care if you are smarter than someone else. The jdubs discourage education which is why I went ALL THE WAY. What I learned was I was always this smart and now I've spent so much money just to prove it to other people, who let's be honest, don't give a fuck.

Charisma, courage, passion, those are what you should do an MBA in. I'm so bored with myself, I don't know how other people even put up with me. Like let me help you with your marketing strategy, throw me a math problem I can't solve or a business I can't turn around by working your assets and assessing your balance sheets. Boring.

Today, I am definitely supposed to be writing a paper. Instead? I lure my boyfriend/manfriend/lifepartner/husband whatever you want to call him to kensignton market so I can buy sage to burn all the negative energy out of our place and get new earrings. I really just wanted to go to Blackbird Baking and Courage my Love and all the places that stole all the best names.

Then we got Vietnamese food and we're running late. So I'm like just drop me off at the market (the other market) cause Ken would would be very upset if I didn't show on a Saturday. Dudes there alone. I'm like where's Robin? She couldn't work. I've offered 17 million times to work for free on the weekends. I jump behind the cash and start ringing people in and packaging flowers. Sweep the floors and take out the garbage. Yes, I love my marketing job. Yes, I'm somewhat important. You cannot however compete for working in a flower shop for minimum wage. I was so lucky I got to do that. Coming home and your whole place smells like beauty and hope.

Some guy was saying shit about our green roses which are actually my favorite and I wanted to punch him. That's your passion, charisma and courage. But the customer is always right. I have an MBA bud. These green ish roses are amazing and by the way, I know your girlfriend and in her culture those white ones mean death and she believes it. Have fun with buying those. :)

Life is more fun when it's fun. Bur damn tomorrow I gotta stop breathing in the flowers and write that paper. Finish line is in sight. Hey, I still remember how to use my words so I'm betting on that to get me through to the other side. My massage therapist is like why do you hate yourself so much? Your body doesn't like you. You'll probably come in here next time saying you're doing your PhD. NO EFFING WAY. Thanks for looking out for me though Craig. :)

PS. I get over this, I might do my PhD, (I'm so so so sorry Jay) cause I've always thought I'd be a great therapist. But definitely a long enough break is planned where I will be the best partner and dog mom and make up for this MBA mess. 

Sullivan out.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Weathered

"When I grow old I'll drink and smoke. Like I did when youth stayed."

That was our song. Until I got sick and couldn't really drink anymore. But I'm thinking it's still our song because when (not if) I make it to the part where I'm old, I get to do whatever I want. Shoulda been lights out for me a long time ago. Thanks to him, I'm still here.

I'm way too old to have a boyfriend so let's call him my man-friend. I had a sad day yesterday and I got sad enough to get a new tattoo. It wasn't spur of the moment, I'd thought it out over a year ago but those damn things hurt and I had another hurt I needed to feel less of. So it was the right time.

My arm tattoos are perfectly symmetrical and it always bothered me I only had the anchor on one leg. Like I was off balance. I'm a bit OCD. So I counted the cash in my wallet and figured I could make this work. I had a big picture for a little spot and knew part of it had to be Jay. I found an old card so they could duplicate his handwritting. I think that's pretty romantic.

Asians, right? I'm not racist I love them but they are so uncomfortable with feelings. So he comes home from work and looks at it. He walks away. I'm like, do you like it? He pauses, and then he's like, well its very permanent. No fuck, Sherlock. I'm almost done my MBA, I know what a tattoo is. 

Also, my darling man friend, I know I haven't really been on board. You always have been though. My pets are yours. They probably like you more than they like me. You've saved my life more than once. You call me when I'm in the hospital in the morning to ask what I want to eat that day because you know I'd starve before eating hospital food. I only need to look the right way at something I want and it shows up on my birthday or Christmas. You rub my back and hold my hand when I have panic attacks. You make my life better, my home better, make me laugh and dance in the living room to all our favorite songs. You make me write, which makes me a happier, better version of myself.

I seriously doubt that after all that, you'll ever leave me. If I've decided I'll never leave you either, I know it's scary but that tattoo isn't going away and neither am I. I'm sorry it took me way too long to know we're end-game. I will be loyal and prove it to you. When we're old and weathered this will still be our song. :)

Sullivan out.

Ps Lindsay was like where is Kat in that tattoo? She's dead Lindsay. We gotta move forward. Besides Charlie Rose is a witch kitten who will outlive all of us and probably cast spells if I make her mad.

Beyond the Barricade

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I find myself without a past. I had one person left. (Wait for the book.)

People don't really get my relationship with my therapist. It's taken him a long time to "fix me". Too long in their eyes. I trusted in the process and I trust him. This couldn't have been an easy job. He told me he knew how sad I was that my last old life friend was taken from me by my family, what else did they have left to take? They went for the heart this time. I only blame myself for not seeing it coming from that crew.

Ross said think about it. She was the last link to your old life. You tell me sometimes you wake up confused because you dream you're still JW, you're still in your family, you're still married, you're still with your all old friends. Now, when you wake up it can really just be a dream. Shake it off and get on with your day. They are all GONE.

Would I trade everything for one day back there, in that life? There was a time I would have. Sometimes I call Jay "Travis" (I've never done that with anyone else) and we both pretend it never happened or maybe he doesn't even notice.  Either way, I'm with him. I love him. And with everyone else gone, I've come beyond the barricade and realized on the other side it's not entirely peaceful. It's the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I don't think it's circumstantial that I've been abused and taken advantage of out here. It happens in there too, to a lot of people and everyone should know that. It's me, I'm a different person. No one would have stood up to me before, but then I got broken and it started happening. I hate to say "me too" but it's true. It's happened.

Let's keep moving forward though and see what else is beyond the barricade. I learned the truth about myself. I have learned compassion, I have learned to grow. The finish line is immortal. The moments that define you have already happened and will happen again. And never, ever, ever, die before your death.

Sullivan out.

Don't Look Back in Anger

Spoiler alert: my boyfriend and I fight. Not a lot but sometimes. You see someone when you wake up in the morning, you go to bed with them, you vent about work and decide what to spend money on or what not to, who isn't doing the dishes, what music to listen to...the list goes on...you're gonna fight once in awhile.

It will always end in someone crying (me) and someone shaking their head (him) and then we work it out. We hug and say I love you. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I've ever gotten was "Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and fight."

I fought for a long time against the JWs. Did me speaking out really help some people? Yes it did. Did it help me? Yes it did. One of my girlfriends loves Leah Remini's "exposing the Scientologists" show. She's was like, I think of you every time I watch it. Leah did one last week on the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought it was really well done. It wasn't overly dramatic, it was factual and honest. All cults are essentially the same but she kept saying she couldn't believe how easily they tear families apart. It is so unnatural.

I got through half the show, then I made Jay watch the rest of it with me. He was like, I know them, I know what you've been through. He does. But he watched it and now he knows it better. I held it together, although any time they showed a clip of the videos the governing body puts out  (aka those super secret crazy rich 12 guys who run the Watchtower) I would cringe. They are so sketchy and I'm not going out on a limb saying they kind of seem clinically insane.

The thing that got me was the ending. They asked the people (ex-jws) who had come forward on the show to tell their stories what they would say if they could send JUST ONE message to their families who shun them. It was the same thing over and over. No anger, no hate. Just that they loved them and if there was any chance of reconciliation they would welcome that. But they just couldn't go back.

It's taken me 8 and a half years. I can honestly say that besides those creepy Watchtower dudes I have no anger towards any one of them. Some days I still look back. There is a sadness that will never go away. But I've moved on. Now, I have a completely perfect, imperfect little family now who are just like me. Trying to do the best in whatever situation that comes up and cuddling up together at night to feel safe and warm.

That's something that makes me smile every single day, that reinforces what I already know - I made the right decision. The only choice. And that's something I'll always stay up and fight for. Because, if I do, I know it's a happy ending. :)

Sullivan out.

Fake Plastic Love

I've always been a romantic. Until nine years ago when my life went upside down, then I became a cynic. The little girl who used to hide under trees at her dads place in the country to write stories disappeared. I started writing again after that, but it was angry. What can I say? It's always been my release and the JWs really needed to be exposed. Fortunately, a lot of other people started to think that too and I don't feel like it's my battle anymore.

The funny thing about romance and love - any kind of love: family, friends, boyfriends...it can look like the real thing, feel like the real thing. Doesn't count for anything if it's not. Don't get me wrong, nice gifts, fancy dinners, expensive hotels...all perfectly nice. Having a girlfriend who tells you you're her best friend and feels like you're a sister to her...is nice.

Trying to figure out which people are genuine and the ones who are fake can wear you out. Who is using you and who is just in it because at the end of the day, they really do love you.

I know y'all are tired of hearing about my boyfriend. We are not perfect. We've been in and out, on and off for years. I didn't think he was romantic enough. I didn't think he said "I love you" enough. But the devil is always in the details.

I wasn't allowed to watch soap operas before (another fun JW fact - no soap operas) but somehow between three jobs and doing an MBA I've got myself hooked on a Spanish telenovella. At first I was always rolling my eyes about how dramatic it was but then I realized my life has been pretty damn dramatic too. (Without all the murdering of course.)

Anyways, the girl had to pick between two guys. The rich, suave, probably hits the gym about 16 hours a day guy or the nice guy. I'm always rooting for the nice guy. He's smart, he always says the right thing, he's loyal to a fault. I've been with both kind of guys, many times.

It's Thanksgiving right? I love this holiday. Because it's not about presents (which I also love) or over the top anything, it's just about being grateful for what we have. Jay came home last night with a huge turkey. Things haven't really been going my way and I wasn't planning on cooking all day. I told him all my friends are with their families for Thanksgiving and it was too much. Side point: I don't have a family. He just said well, look across the street. You've got a dozen homeless people in that park. We'll invite everyone and if they're all with their families we'll share what we have with those people who don't have anything. Still wondering why I root for the nice guy?

It's never fake, or plastic or perfect even. But I always know where I stand and whether or not I'm loved for just being me. Fake wears me out. Truth keeps me with a small amount of hope that I'm okay, that everything is okay. That's the way it always ends in the telenovellas, doesn't it? I do my best but I can't be who you want me to be all the time, that's why I left the cult right? :)

Sullivan out.

About a Boy

How long have I known Jay? Who knows at this point. Five, six years? Maybe seven. My new life hasn't been longer than nine so he's been around for a lot of it. We're friends, we date, we break up, we're friends again. The only thing I know for sure is we never leave whatever this is.

As y'all know I haven't had the easiest time adapting to life on the outside. Jay is the one person who always saw through whatever I was going through and could see the real me. Not that he ever knew me in my past life, he got the other version of Margaux. But to him, that version was still smart, funny, beautiful and worth loving. He didn't take my crap though. That's why we kept breaking up. He's not like me. He doesn't have some profound need to be liked that makes him put up with bad behaviour from other people. He sticks up for himself. He sticks up for me.

I'm learning slowly that the only way to love someone else is to love yourself first. I've had a lot of boyfriends. And I don't think I ever realized that I deserved to be treated well. That I shouldn't put up with being male dominated, put down or lied to or cheated on. None of us do.

So at times, I've been a very bad girlfriend to him. We were younger then. We partied too much. Didn't sleep enough. Fought too much. But there were good times. He forced me to love Game of Thrones and implemented "no pants Sundays". He could iron chef something awesome from nothing in the cupboard.

Then we started to grow up and things started getting real. My cat died and I had a puppy dumped on me. I got sick for quite some time. I went home indefinitely. Jay would send me care packages with new clothes. He'd visit me every day I was in the hospital. Text me in the morning and ask what I wanted to eat because I'm picky and he knew I wouldn't eat hospital food. When one of my best friends was dying he'd drive me to the hospital and wait outside.

He supports all my stupid ideas like coming home randomly with new animals and doing an MBA while I work. Anytime he's off work and it's a nice day he takes us to the beach because that's my favorite place. He's been there for my siblings and my girlfriends and makes sure my dog is taken care of. (Max loves him to death but he's still mommy's boy.)

I guess all I really want to say is, we don't always understand where big love comes from. I worked on Bay Street for years. All those flashy guys in suits with their expensive cufflinks and even more expensive cars. The guys you'd meet in the cool bars who all had their wedding rings in their pockets so they could pick up girls.

Real love is every. fucking. day. Good times and bad. Pretty or ugly. Money in the pocket or broke as hell. Nice vacations and then the years you can't afford to take a vacation. Shopping at your favorite store one day, dollarama the next. Sacrificing for the family. Before him, I didn't know what it was like to have someone accept you unconditionally. Flaws, imperfections, bad habits. All the things you try to hide. Guess I'm just really lucky I got so many chances to get this right. :)

Sullivan out.

It's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.

I have ruined my boyfriend. We're addicted to the new Anne of Green Gables show. Last night we were up until 3:30 am. We never do that. We weren't partying, drinking. It was just every time an episode ended we looked at each other and were like "one more?".

Fucking Nexflix. The critics were right. This is not your typical Anne. (Y'all will only know what I'm talking about if you're from PEI.) It's dark. But I like it. Everyone has a past. It's kind of romantic if you put it in the right light. Which means, maybe we cry. Maybe we have flashbacks and nightmares. And maybe we run away sometimes. 

I think it makes him feel better to know all girls from PEI are slightly unique. I mean that in a good way. Doesn't affliction and hard work build character?

In the beginning I thought he was just trying to appease me. Then I saw that he loved this show as much as me. Of course he's heard all the stories. PEI is a special place to grow up. I feel grateful to have had a childhood with acres of trees to hide under while I read my books and wrote my stories. 

At the end of the day, I've always been an introvert. I pretended not to be for a long time. I finally feel like it doesn't matter anymore. 

My dad has always said you can count the number of real friends you have in life on one hand. That's more than enough for me. The introvert-fake extrovert never really cared to have so many pretend friends as desperately as I wanted to be liked.

There are a precious few people I would take a bullet for. Before I would do it for anyone. People got used to that. Call Margaux. She'll show up and take care of whatever you need. I'm slowly slowly learning to say no. To the people who wouldn't do that for me.

We need to give back, I believe in that 100%. Bring what you have to the world and my good friend the Universe always makes sure I have what I need. I can honestly say, I have never been happier in my life than I am in this moment. I feel like I'm surrounded in love. Not from everyone but that's an impossible target. I go to bed at night with a dog who makes me smile and a guy who has been my most loyal supporter and I have a best friend who is a kindred spirit.

Girls like me, don't always get a second chance. I did. I'm lucky and I'm gonna run with it. I miss home though. Take me home country roads... :)

Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

In Sunshine or in Shadow

Let's be honest. We all say we don't pick sides. But we do. When my husband, I mean ex-husband, and I broke up, no one was on my side. They weren't allowed to be because of the cult. They also chose not to pick his side because they blamed him for what had happened.

Then I blamed them for not being there for him and it's just a circle that goes around and around.

I had a friend recently who decided she didn't like me anymore. That's fine. Doesn't matter how much effort you put into being a good friend, girls are difficult. And I'm saying that as a feminist.

Say what you want about me. She said so many awful things that I wouldn't even put into writing because they don't matter. I didn't respond.

So she picked the other side. She went after my boyfriend. That's where I draw the line. It was one thing when she said it over text. Then over email. But then she left a voicemail. All saying the same terrible things about him. When there's really nothing terrible to say.

And I'll tell y'all right now, you go after me, whatever. I'm used to it. I man up. You go after the guy who takes care of me when no one else does, the guy who takes y'all out for dinner and pays for everything, the guy who drives you home when you've been drinking, the guy who walks your kid, the guy who gives you big hugs, the guy who has never been anything but kind and generous and sweet to you? Watch out bitch. You'd better not come near me again.

He's been there for me in sunshine or in shadow. No matter what happens in life, he's always like, "we've got this". And not just me. A lot of us. So let's stop hating and shut up Lindsay.

It's really too bad because he does love your baby.

Sullivan out.

Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

When They Go Low

"When they go low, we go high." - Michelle Obama

I have been having the weirdest time lately. Someone, who, because I am taking the high road, will not be named, I thought she was one of my best friends. I think she must be a very unhappy person. And apparently a bully.

You know that thing about how if someone is always saying shit about everyone else to you, they are probably doing it to you behind your back? It's true. They're not just confiding in a friend, they are actually just mad at everyone.

In the past few days I've received numerous (like 40) messages saying just go die bitch, you're a terrible writer, you're a dirty toilet seat that men like to piss on. You left the JWs for a guy who doesn't give a shit about you. You're dried up and delusional and your boyfriend is awful. Seriously?

The boyfriend who drives you home at the end of the night and takes your kid for walks and buys you nice dinners and has always been kind to you. Hmmm. My other friends are apparently even worse. There's not one nice thing to say about any of them. This one spends too much money (hey red!), this one doesn't work hard enough (hey blonde!), this one who just uses you (hey former roomie!). Coming from someone I babysit for, for free at 6:30 in the morning while she goes to work and doesn't claim the money to the government while she's on support.

Jay just holds me while I cry and doesn't understand why it hurts so much. C'mon buddy doesn't a dirty toilet seat get to have feelings? :)

It hurts because I thought she was my friend. And being on the outside I've been careful about who I let into my life.

Anyways, I'm moving on. Have I made mistakes in life? More than I can count. But I'm trying really hard to be a good person. And those other friends? They are loyal and kind and would never say those kind of things about me, even if they thought them, which I don't think they do.

I think Michelle said that quote while she was supporting Hilary's campaign. Trump still won. Sometimes hate wins. But once I lick my wounds, I will keep working towards a better world for all of us that doesn't accept this kind of behavior. We have to take the high road and maybe we can inspire others to follow our lead.

And fuck you, my former bestie, I think I'm a damn good writer.

Sullivan out.

About Last Night...

I've been off work for awhile. It's surprisingly difficult to find a job in Toronto. When my last contract was ending I decided not to stay. 100K a year is not worth being entirely miserable every single day.

I've found something new. Way less money but enough to pay the bills and the people seem genuinely kind.

Being off work meant I never had to do my hair, put on makeup or get dressed up. I just lived in yoga pants and went for dog walks and watched netflixs. But my boyfriend works opposite hours of me when I'm corporate so he wanted to take me out to dinner last night since we're never going to see each other again.

So I prettied up. I put on makeup and a nice dress and he was like, you look so beautiful. And I said, am I also a good person? He said, I think you're trying to be a good person. It's a half compliment. He's right though. When I left the JWs I was so lost. I had so much anxiety. Anger, sadness. I made bad decisions and I hurt people. Especially him.

The anxiety stays but the rest is gone. They all still show up all the time in my dreams even if I don't think about them all day. My mother and my sister the most. But I've moved on, even if my subconscious hasn't caught up yet.

So we had steak and lobster and celebrated and I really feel especially lucky to have such great people in my life. I wouldn't trade it in for a return to the cult any day of the week. :)

Love Despite

"They" say "you like because and you love despite". It doesn't just apply to romantic love, it's all of our relationships.

I would be surprised if anyone out there had a friendship, a partner, a family and they couldn't name one thing that they are not completely happy with. But we like all of them for what they bring into our lives. And we love them despite any small flaws or imperfections.

After all, doesn't imperfection make us perfect? I have the perfectly imperfect partner in life. It hasn't been a fairy tale by any means and most of the flaws were on my side. Not all of them though.

This guy believes in me, supports my dreams, my MBA, my writing, loves my dog and cat, takes care of my friends and their kids and doesn't EVER ask for anything in return. Except don't watch Westworld without him. :) Unconditional love doesn't happen every day.

I have to put a push in here on how upsetting it is what Trump is doing in the US. Families should stay together. I don't have kids but most of my close friends do. We should build a world for them that doesn't tear families apart or discriminate about race, gender or sexual orientation. I'm in an interracial relationship. It's Pride month and I am proud to be an ally. I'm a woman who deserves as much respect as the man next to me.

My cousin is super smart (most of my cousins are) and she said I should wait to write my book until I know how the story ends.

I know. I'm already working on it. :)

Tired and Scared

Love can save us all? Thank you Blue Rodeo for making us believe in that.

They are right though. Love breaks you. Life breaks you. It breaks everyone. Then it puts you back together. And then many are strong in the broken places.

Been thinking about a friend who passed two years ago this week. He decided the fight wasn't worth it. And I don't judge him. We planned his funeral. We love him. Sometimes it feels like it's all too much and I think I'd rather take the easy way out. So if you feel that way, it's okay. Just find coping mechanisms that help you. Apparently, suicidal crises are usually temporary. You can believe anything you read on the internet right? :)

People get down and then they find a way to climb back up. Life is peaks and valleys. Either one offers a good view, doesn't it? Call a friend. Go outside. (I know the weather is shit here today so maybe not right now.)

George dropped a puppy on me a little bit before this happened. I was mad at him. I never would have picked out Max at a shelter. He's too big. Now every day I thank him for choosing me because this dog has changed my life. And reminds me to think of George and remember our lives are precious. Even when we're tired and scared. Still determined to see the world through rose colored glasses. :)