Beyond the Barricade

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I find myself without a past. I had one person left. (Wait for the book.)

People don't really get my relationship with my therapist. It's taken him a long time to "fix me". Too long in their eyes. I trusted in the process and I trust him. This couldn't have been an easy job. He told me he knew how sad I was that my last old life friend was taken from me by my family, what else did they have left to take? They went for the heart this time. I only blame myself for not seeing it coming from that crew.

Ross said think about it. She was the last link to your old life. You tell me sometimes you wake up confused because you dream you're still JW, you're still in your family, you're still married, you're still with your all old friends. Now, when you wake up it can really just be a dream. Shake it off and get on with your day. They are all GONE.

Would I trade everything for one day back there, in that life? There was a time I would have. Sometimes I call Jay "Travis" (I've never done that with anyone else) and we both pretend it never happened or maybe he doesn't even notice.  Either way, I'm with him. I love him. And with everyone else gone, I've come beyond the barricade and realized on the other side it's not entirely peaceful. It's the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I don't think it's circumstantial that I've been abused and taken advantage of out here. It happens in there too, to a lot of people and everyone should know that. It's me, I'm a different person. No one would have stood up to me before, but then I got broken and it started happening. I hate to say "me too" but it's true. It's happened.

Let's keep moving forward though and see what else is beyond the barricade. I learned the truth about myself. I have learned compassion, I have learned to grow. The finish line is immortal. The moments that define you have already happened and will happen again. And never, ever, ever, die before your death.

Sullivan out.

About a Boy

How long have I known Jay? Who knows at this point. Five, six years? Maybe seven. My new life hasn't been longer than nine so he's been around for a lot of it. We're friends, we date, we break up, we're friends again. The only thing I know for sure is we never leave whatever this is.

As y'all know I haven't had the easiest time adapting to life on the outside. Jay is the one person who always saw through whatever I was going through and could see the real me. Not that he ever knew me in my past life, he got the other version of Margaux. But to him, that version was still smart, funny, beautiful and worth loving. He didn't take my crap though. That's why we kept breaking up. He's not like me. He doesn't have some profound need to be liked that makes him put up with bad behaviour from other people. He sticks up for himself. He sticks up for me.

I'm learning slowly that the only way to love someone else is to love yourself first. I've had a lot of boyfriends. And I don't think I ever realized that I deserved to be treated well. That I shouldn't put up with being male dominated, put down or lied to or cheated on. None of us do.

So at times, I've been a very bad girlfriend to him. We were younger then. We partied too much. Didn't sleep enough. Fought too much. But there were good times. He forced me to love Game of Thrones and implemented "no pants Sundays". He could iron chef something awesome from nothing in the cupboard.

Then we started to grow up and things started getting real. My cat died and I had a puppy dumped on me. I got sick for quite some time. I went home indefinitely. Jay would send me care packages with new clothes. He'd visit me every day I was in the hospital. Text me in the morning and ask what I wanted to eat because I'm picky and he knew I wouldn't eat hospital food. When one of my best friends was dying he'd drive me to the hospital and wait outside.

He supports all my stupid ideas like coming home randomly with new animals and doing an MBA while I work. Anytime he's off work and it's a nice day he takes us to the beach because that's my favorite place. He's been there for my siblings and my girlfriends and makes sure my dog is taken care of. (Max loves him to death but he's still mommy's boy.)

I guess all I really want to say is, we don't always understand where big love comes from. I worked on Bay Street for years. All those flashy guys in suits with their expensive cufflinks and even more expensive cars. The guys you'd meet in the cool bars who all had their wedding rings in their pockets so they could pick up girls.

Real love is every. fucking. day. Good times and bad. Pretty or ugly. Money in the pocket or broke as hell. Nice vacations and then the years you can't afford to take a vacation. Shopping at your favorite store one day, dollarama the next. Sacrificing for the family. Before him, I didn't know what it was like to have someone accept you unconditionally. Flaws, imperfections, bad habits. All the things you try to hide. Guess I'm just really lucky I got so many chances to get this right. :)

Sullivan out.

How to Save a Life

It's actually pretty simple: 

1) Show up
2) Don't be an asshole

With Mental Health Week coming up I think there are a few things we all should know. 

- Half of the people dealing with mental health issues will never tell anyone about it. 
- One in four people in Canada will go through this at some point in their lives. 
- Depression is a real disease. Those of you who think you can just "be happy" are wrong.

From my experience, it's complicated. I've tried everything from therapy (I have two therapists) to meditation, to mindfulness training, to medication, to psychics. I've read a million books, dabbled in Buddhism, bought a mala that's supposed to be healing, done yoga more times than I can count. 

It's a lot of work on top of real life and real work. Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong. Sometimes I blame my upbringing. Sometimes I try to forgive myself for being not as strong as I want to be. 

Those of us who are suffering and trying to get better though, try to understand us. Just because I've been struggling lately has absolutely no link to self-pity or feeling ungrateful. Each and every turn my life takes, there's someone there who shows up. Friends, ex-boyfriends, family. I love and appreciate those people more than I can express in words. 

I have an aunt and uncle who would be the most perfectly imperfect set of parents. And I think that's the beauty in unconditional love. Now that we're all adults we know what each of us have been through. And I feel accepted and loved and I know I look up to them for getting through what they've been through. We do the best with what we have, but without the proofs of love, how we would know that we're actually loved? Love is an action. 

If someone you loved had cancer, you'd show up at the hospital, you'd bring them flowers. You might not understand depression and anxiety, but you can try. :)

And that's how you save people's lives. Suicide is the second most common cause of death amoung young people in Canada. Stop the stigma. Start talking. 

The Dreamer

"The ship is safest when it's in port, but that's not what ships were built for." ~ Paulo Coelho

Life's messy. A lot of the time, it makes absolutely no sense at all.  Lately, I don't really know what to think. Why does this stuff happen? Yesterday was my uncle Ken's birthday and we all still miss him. A heart that has truly loved never forgets. I had a good friend over the other night and I was showing him pictures of my past life. 

Me: I was pretty wasn't I? I look happy. 

Him: You're still pretty and happy now. Just in a different way.

And it's true. It's been a long hard battle the past 5 years, sometimes I've looked in the mirror and I had no idea who I was. Yesterday, I started to feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Or maybe more un-like myself which would be a better thing. :)

The past month and a half have been rough. I cried so much I broke blood vessels in my eyes. But they're almost healed now and I think I'm getting there too. I love my new job. I hate change but it's challenging and new and sometimes we need to leave the port and set sail again to find something good. It doesn't mean we won't weather some storms. But the storms come and go whether we ever decide to put ourselves out there or not. 

Walking home from work yesterday, the sun was shining, I was smiling and I was surprised to realize for the first time in 6 or 7 weeks, the smile was real. It's a lot of effort to pretend to be happy and unless you've dealt with depression you may not understand just how much effort it takes. It's exhausting. 

Sometimes when the waters get rough, you think it may have been better to stay in the port. Where it felt safe. I needed to remind myself over the past weeks that it was just as much - no more - effort to pretend I was happy in an unhappy marriage. In a religion that required so much work but I didn't believe in anymore. In relationships that took and took and took and didn't give much back in return.

I think this most recent storm is over. I feel happy again. All I really need is a few good friends, a few people in my family who are always there for me. I have that. I have family and friends who have always been there for me in every way I could have possibly needed them and they always will be. Now that I'm feeling better, I'll do everything I can to repay the favor. 

I still haven't completely lost the dreamer I once was. When times get tough, I always have yoga and red lipstick and now I have a big ass dog and a sword. That's enough to fake it until it gets real again. 

Here's your Wednesday morning song: I'm just a dreamer but I'm hanging on, though I am nothing big to offer. I watch the birds how they dive in then gone. It's like nothing in the world's ever still...

Happy birthday Ken. I'm sorry I'm a day late, I couldn't find the right words last night. 

Sullivan out. 

Blackbird on a Wire

"Like a bird on a wire, like a drunk in a midnight choir, I have tried in my way to be free." - Leonard Cohen

I caught up a bit with a friend of mine this morning. After filling her in on the events of the past 6 or 7 weeks (I've lost track) she suggested I write a story called: "My horrible, terrible, very bad summer."

I won't lie to you, because I never do (alright, sometimes I embellish, but no lies) this summer has been a bit of a let down, especially after such a depressing winter. I was hoping things would go a little better. Maybe just not as many trips to the ER, not as many medications for weird medical issues, not so many panic attacks trying to stay calm through all that.

I keep thinking if I could just get to a spot where I feel a bit better, I could use some of this time I have to work on my book. Go to yoga. Sit on the beach. It just hasn't worked out that way. Yet :)

This past weekend a friend I didn't know very well invited me to come up to their cottage. Call me crazy, but I decided to go. Y'all know I'm a PEI girl and I need the fresh air, to sit on the water once in awhile to stay grounded. Bonus points if there's a dog involved (there was). 

So off we went. My girlfriend texts me. 

Her: Any plans for the long weekend? 

Me: Oh yah, I'm on my way to a cottage with some people I don't really know yet. 

Her: Ha ha. 

Then she calls me. 

Her: Where are you?

Me: Somewhere near Bobcaygeon? 

Her: Oh. My. God. You were serious?!!

I was. And I went to a party at a cottage where they actually played Bobcaygeon for me. Twice. I guess I can cross that off my bucket list. 

In my experience, no matter how safe and secure you think you are, everything can change suddenly overnight. I read once that the more factors that make up your identity, the less threatened you are when any one of them goes away. I think that goes for people too. Most people out there? Are good people. And one thing I will say about this summer, is that I've forged some wonderful friendships with old friends and new who have been there for me. Who have visited, brought me groceries, stayed with me in the ER in the middle of the night. Spent a little more time with my brother and sister. 

I've been scared and stressed but I haven't felt alone. Whatever happens with me, I've tried in my own way to be free, to trust, to love again. If there's one good thing you can take out of a "terrible, horrible, very bad summer" it's that you didn't have to go it alone. And I did get to see some beautiful sunsets this past weekend and I made some great new friends. :)

Changes (it's not just a David Bowie song)

It's been a rough past month. I switch up my jewelry constantly but lately, I just wear the cross my brother bought me for Christmas because it has a switchblade in it. Yes, it could only kill an ant or a maybe a bumblebee, but I feel more protected with it around my neck. I love that guy, because I really believe there is no other person in this world who would know how much I would love a cross necklace with a switchblade in it. We might be twisted, but we've got each other's back. 

I've been reading all of your comments, and I have to say that while I agree all bloggers are somewhat narcissistic, I am not a diva. People, I am in the trenches. I show you the good, the bad, the ugly. 

This month, for example:

Good

Bad

Ugly

I definitely believe that unless you are one of those super blessed people, life is a series of peaks and valleys. Sidepoint: I did not try to off myself in that last photo. I just got sick. 

But that's what makes it interesting right? How would we ever cherish those good times so much without the bad times? How would we appreciate how lucky we are without the not so great experiences to relate it to?

Change can often be an uncomfortable process. But it's necessary. It's part of life and the more you resist it, the more difficult you make things for yourself. I still HATE change. I always have. But I'm working on it. 

If you're currently contemplating making a change, for the right reasons, at the right time, don't be scared. Just get yourself some protection. :)