This is about Nothing.

well it's happened. i feel like i need to write, but i have nothing to say. not entirely true, i have lots of things to say. but there are thing i protect and won't talk about, like family and friends. unless it's positive. if you want to know who in my family has the worst secrets (and it's a toss up, spoiler alert!) you'll have to wait for the book, which will only be published after i die. :)

speaking of death, jay was amazed last night to hear i'd already planned every detail if max's funeral. hey, he's a big dog, he's not doing to live forever. i've planned my funeral, why shouldn't i plan his? his is going to be so much cuter than mine. when all you do is work and study sometimes your mind wanders.

i'm a planner. i figure i feel too much, been through too much. i'm a pisces, so whatever you feel about anything, double that, add in some drama and then double it again. if max just dropped dead they'd probably have to put me in a psych ward. he is the best thing that ever happened to me. that homeless helpless huge puppy. i always call him my love because he is. with my funeral no one is coming. (except a very small guest list, you're probably not on it and i've paid jay to get bouncers.) max though, is everyone's dog and it would be selfish of me not to share the grief this time. so i plan it now, halfway thorough his life and i get 5 years to come to peace with it. which we all know i never will but at least i'll be better prepared.

turns out, both my "kids" are almost exactly me. max is having a sleepover party tonight so i'm home alone with rosie. she kinda scares me. if max exudes the please love me, i'll do anything for you side of me, rosie is the other side of the bed. hey, i know how to stand up for myself and i've been doing it for years. that's why y'all love me right? i've done the brave honest thing till it hurt. rosie takes it one step further. i could learn a thing or two from that tiny little kitten. jay says rosies' go-to is: lick, lick, BITE. she's your friend. until she's not. then she makes you bleed. for all my friends with kids, this excludes children, she respects them and would never bite your child. please don't be afraid to come over.  

in the end, she spends a lot of time in her cage. she'll scratch until you bleed, then go pee on your bed. she'll eat your flowers just because she knows you love them more than anything else in the home. stuff you don't care about? she'll never touch it. but she WILL destroy your roses. the cage never teaches her a lesson. it's almost like she likes it in there, quiet time alone to contemplate how she'll take over the world. she becomes totally calm. it's disturbing. she is however very loving and loyal to her half-life partner (cause cats never die) max.

at the end of the day, all i can say is thank the universe i have a boyfriend / man-friend/ lover/ husband/ best friend whatever you want to call him, who would notice i was missing if i died and come find me before rosie ate half my face because i wasn't able to feed her. this whole blog is very morbid but if you were in my messed up head, you'd think it's really funny. i'm laughing :)

sullivan out.

Live Free or Die Hard

It's election day in the US. Apparently everyone is moving to Canada if Trump gets elected. I've learned a thing or two over the past years. I tried, foolishly probably, to fight the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought if I could just expose them for what they are, people would listen and things would change. We could free people from their mind control, their ability to control everyone's life who has been touched by them. I failed.

People better and stronger than me have tried to stand up for freedom of thought, of choice, of religion. I think it's a noble cause. But it takes it's toll.

I haven't blogged in months and that's because I worked so hard to sell hope on here. Even though I just kept getting gutted and I didn't want everyone to know that. Part of that was my bad choices, the wrong decisions I made. Part of it was sabotage from people who were supposed to love me.

A couple of months ago, I ended up in the hospital again. I wasn't supposed to live this time. Being given a one in ten chance of survival is not encouraging. Then they came to me with some papers to sign to say I would accept blood transfusions. Now, that's a big no-no with the J-dubs. As much as I'd felt I'd moved on, they still did and always will have a hold on me. I hesitated. I was alone and didn't know what to do. I was so sad when I got out of the hospital and found out a 27-year-old mother in Quebec refused them and gave into constant pressure from elders (NOT DOCTORS) from the organization who relentlessly pressured her to say no. She died.

Whether it's politics or personal, it seems that we can't control much more than our own personal well-being. These big, powerful, rich people and corporations might, at the end of the day, always win. But we can keep up the fight. As long as we always remember to take care of ourselves. Get rid of the anger, resentment, grief. We need to feel those emotions...fully...and then move on. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to be broken.

This morning I weighed 98 lbs. And when I hit my yoga mat, I was angry at my limitations. All of us though are here for a reason. You are, I am. Whatever happens to us, if we can look at the big picture, we are a tiny speck that could be gone at any time. But for now, this is our place. We can still make the world better, no matter who is President, who is in control, and even if we lose a little along the way. As long as we don't lose ourselves. :)

Remember: The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places. We have two choices people: Live Free or Die Hard.

Sullivan out.

Bleeding Love

My bosses kid messed himself up this week in a skateboarding accident. Jersey was, understandably upset. I had a little accident of my own this weekend. Can't wait to go into work and face him tomorrow all bruised and bloodied.

I'm fine, I won't say definitely that my red 6-inch heels were trying to kill me last night, but maybe they were. Maybe it was Jehovah, trying to send me a message about the path I've been going down recently. If it was him, Congratulations dude, I still think you're an asshole.

But I did put a huge gash through my lip which is unfortunate because everything I've been working so hard for is finally coming together and they are coming over to take pictures of me on Friday. The doctor today said not to worry about it because "big lips are in". (Worst doctor ever.)

In a way, she's right though. A little bit of make-up, some lip gloss and it'll be like it never happened, but I have fabulous lips. I was heading out from dinner last night, going to see my guy and I tripped. It's funny, I don't think we ever get over that kid-like reaction when we fall down. You know how kids cry, even if they aren't hurt? It's just the humiliation of the whole situation. Well last night I didn't cry, I got up. And I was bleeding like crazy. I was wearing the dress I thought I might wear for the photoshoot on Friday, to test drive it and see what people thought. It has a lot of red in it, but now, the red was dominant.

I walked home past my bar, where my friends I had had dinner with were grabbing a pint after I walked off to meet J. One of the girls who works there went in and told Lindsay she should probably check up on me because I had just walked by, covered in blood.

It all still hurts a little bit and I chipped a tooth, but it's ok. Besides my hurt pride and messed up face, I'm fine. And one thing I've learned recently, through having to re-live the story to tell the story over and over lately to get it right, is that nothing, not a bruise or a break or anything that bleeds, can ever hurt as much as the emotional aspects of things do.

We, here on the outside, keep hoping they'll tame it down a bit and life might get more normal for us. But instead they've decided to be even more hard-core, you should watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yLdwe_6JsU&feature=youtu.be