In Sunshine or in Shadow

Let's be honest. We all say we don't pick sides. But we do. When my husband, I mean ex-husband, and I broke up, no one was on my side. They weren't allowed to be because of the cult. They also chose not to pick his side because they blamed him for what had happened.

Then I blamed them for not being there for him and it's just a circle that goes around and around.

I had a friend recently who decided she didn't like me anymore. That's fine. Doesn't matter how much effort you put into being a good friend, girls are difficult. And I'm saying that as a feminist.

Say what you want about me. She said so many awful things that I wouldn't even put into writing because they don't matter. I didn't respond.

So she picked the other side. She went after my boyfriend. That's where I draw the line. It was one thing when she said it over text. Then over email. But then she left a voicemail. All saying the same terrible things about him. When there's really nothing terrible to say.

And I'll tell y'all right now, you go after me, whatever. I'm used to it. I man up. You go after the guy who takes care of me when no one else does, the guy who takes y'all out for dinner and pays for everything, the guy who drives you home when you've been drinking, the guy who walks your kid, the guy who gives you big hugs, the guy who has never been anything but kind and generous and sweet to you? Watch out bitch. You'd better not come near me again.

He's been there for me in sunshine or in shadow. No matter what happens in life, he's always like, "we've got this". And not just me. A lot of us. So let's stop hating and shut up Lindsay.

It's really too bad because he does love your baby.

Sullivan out.

Broken Places

"The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places."

Lindsay loves it when I blog about her so here we go. My friend is focused. She knows what she wants and it's just love at the end of the day. I can't even count how many dates she's been on. (Just dates, don't go thinking all dirty.)

I can't remember everyone's name and sometimes I mix them all up. I usually do not like them. I told one of them that one night. We went for dinner and I just looked at him and said, I don't like you. I was right, he was an asshole, but she was understandably worried when I was coming over to meet her new boyfriend.

He is lovely. Even my jaded, critical mind couldn't find anything wrong with him. He made us dinner and did the dishes so we could have some alone time to catch up. We all want to be loved. Some of us just work harder at it. I don't really date. I hate new people and they always end up being disappointing.

I did date one guy this past year who got to me. In seven years since Adam, no one gets to me. My heart has really huge walls and they are covered in barb wire, unless you are in the inner circle, you don't get in.

He was a very old friend though and I actually loved him. It irritates me how everyone says it wasn't a "real relationship". Yah I'm talking about you, my family. If something feels real to you, all the people who judge you are just noise. Hey, I've spent 7 years on here talking about Adam. I don't care about that anymore. If all this guy did is get me to the other side, good on him.

I told Lindsay they were moving too fast. But, I'm just noise. I want her to be happy and she is. I just can't shake the side of me that doesn't trust anyone anymore. That prefers to be alone rather than to be courageous and put myself out there like she does.

I literally have three people I trust. Four people if we count my therapist. I cherish them. People who I know, in my darkest hour, I can call and they won't judge me. If the depression comes back and I can't leave the apartment, they will walk my dog. And make me eat. Three people is all you really need. :)

Meryl Streep said last night to take your broken heart and turn it into art, My heart has been broken so many times I can't count it anymore. I hate that I still love those people. But I'm working on a book. And the broken places? They are all just blog fodder. I am still cute. I could pretend on social media that I'm perfect. You would never know the truth. I'd rather be honest. That's why y'all still read me right?

Sullivan out.

Used to Love You

Saturday morning song anyone? Click here. "I don't know why I cry but I think it's cause I remember for the first time since I hated you that I used to love you." - Gwen Stefani

Poor girl. That guy cheated on her so many times. I honestly can't understand why we aren't capable of just flicking a switch and turning our hearts off when people hurt us. That would be convenient.

My dad is very opposed to anger and resentment. But I think it's a phase we all have to go through. Fortunately, if you do all the hard work, you get past that. I wouldn't use "hate" as the word that has been part of my journey. HURT is better. Resentment? Yes, I've been there.

This week was the Memorial. The JWs don't celebrate anything, except that night. You know the one where Jesus has his last dinner with his apostles before he dies? Forget Christmas, Easter, anything enjoyable. Let's celebrate a murder. That's fun for kids.

Did I think about going to the memorial and drinking the wine and eating the bread and watching them all being horrified that a known apostate was in their midst claiming to be one of the anointed - that special 144,000 who are apparently the only ones going to heaven? Yes. At the end of the day though, as much as I loved/hated those people, it was more fun hanging out at home with my dog.

I get that some people still believe in Jesus and I respect that. Lots of people like to believe in Santa Claus. Whatever makes you happy.

I met up with a girl I found here on this blog last night. She was lovely. Damaged like me from our upbringing as JWs. The great thing though is they can't break us. They can try. They can rip our families away. They can make us depressed. They can make us alone. But only for a little while. :)

Then we find our tribe. We find each other. We find people who will love all our crazy and messed-up-ness. And with each of us who make a stand against them, we grow stronger. I've said it a million times. It's not the people. It's the money-hungry, brainwashing organization I'm against.

My therapist asks me sometimes if I regret being so open and honest on here and telling the truth. Yes, it scares potential boyfriends away. When I got disfellowshipped, I was completely alone. I couldn't find anyone to talk to. So when I decided to write this blog, I knew I was alienating the people I loved so much because speaking out against the organization is the worst sin you could ever commit.

I could have done it anonymously. I decided not to. I wanted my name out there so that anyone who was going through what I went through alone would have someone to reach out to. Who would understand where they were coming from. That's why AA is effective. They've all been through the exact same experience. They understand each other. And now, thanks to this blog, I've connected with so many people. Some of them are my friends now. I don't feel alone anymore. Those people I used to love? I hope they wake up someday and realize that they're pushing lies on innocent people. If they don't, then I hope they are happy living that way. I wasn't.

I'm happy now though. :)

Sullivan out.

Sort of Revolution

I'm very bad at being zen. I try. I go to yoga. I've read a tonne of books on the subject. One of my therapists (yes I have two, stop judging me) is also actually a spiritual teacher. I signed up for a Buddhist meditation class with my brother a few weeks ago. We have to do homework every day. Thank the Universe I'm not back at work yet, I have no idea how I'd fit it all in. 

Yet, I still worry. All the time. Halfway through my meditation class this morning, I got a panic attack and had to leave. Crying. The teacher came out and said don't worry about it. You've been through hell. Would you like a hug? The amazing kindness of strangers is almost overwhelming at times. It just made me cry more. 

Today is my little brother's wedding. He's such a good guy. Funny, smart, hard working. We have some complicated issues in the family. My sister didn't feel like she could be there and I decided to stay behind to be with her today. It's hard though, not being there. Not seeing him marry his beautiful high school sweetheart. Or as he will no doubt be doing, dancing like an idiot tonight, the way he did at my wedding, a million years ago. :)

The problem with families sometimes is that you just can't talk things out. Mick, Erin and I? We can talk. About everything and anything. We don't always agree, but we don't let that affect the love we share anymore. I know my parents love me - all three of them. I love them too. But the fact that we can't even discuss anything, ever, makes it hard to move forward. 

I know I've drawn lines in the sand. With both sides of the family, I've made a stand, a decision on where I stand on things that they don't agree with. Or would rather ignore and not speak of. I've become an unfortunate inconvenience with my absolute refusal to bury my head in the sand and take everything that gets handed out. It is probably hard for them to process, I was always the good girl. Never tried to rock the boat. 

My therapists (yes both of them) keep telling me that my problem is not standing up for myself and what I believe in. Being too much of a people pleaser. I feel that by leaving the JWs and speaking out against that organization started a sort of revolution that is spilling over into the rest of my life now. Work, family, friends. Once you've come so far, there's no going back. Not for me anyways. 

Come so far. Let me know when we get there...if we get there... 

Whatever the question, Love is the answer

It's been a rough week. Maybe it's because today is not only Friday the 13th but also a full moon. That doesn't happen very often. The next time it does, we'll all be very old.

I have to say, I really appreciate your comments on this blog, on the Canadian Living article online and on reddit.com. I know not all of you feel ready to be anything other than "anonymous" and that's ok.  I am so grateful for your support. When I started speaking out about my past, my experiences, and against the Watchtower organization, no one was really listening. Today it's a different story.  And now, y'all are speaking out too. 

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, it's the organization that I'm against, not the people. Some ex-jws have been very vocally angry at me for not disassociating myself, not cutting off my mother and sister. What can I say? I love the people despite everything that's happened. I don't see any benefit in giving in to anger and hate. Does that mean I don't think we should ever feel angry about what happened to us? Of course not. Who would choose to be raised in a controlling, brainwashing cult? None of us. But that was our experience and let's admit it - we had some really good times there. 

I'm not downplaying the emotional trauma that we've been through and are still going through. A lot of us have post traumatic stress. I finally, after the worst panic attack of my life, went to my therapist yesterday and told him to just put me on medication. I've always felt a stigma around this (and actually around therapists in general) but I've come to the point in life where I realize I need help. And today I feel much better. :)

I want to continue to focus on the positive. I have happy memories of a lot of old friends that I will always cherish. I want to stay a part of my family. Holding on to anger and resentment only hurts us, not the people we're sending it to. We can speak out, we can be activists without being hateful. Love is the answer and love will set us free. :)

Sullivan out.