The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

The Unwanted Visitor

I can't make any promises about not writing about this again a few times before June. It's my 10 year out of the cult into the real world anniversary coming up. I feel really good these days. My friends say I look great again, not the way I used to, all skinny and sick. I can honestly say I'm happy.

I feel like Margaux 2.0, just ten years older and a bit more weathered. That doesn't mean however that I won't have relapses. I've been through a lot of change this past year. I feel it's helping me grow, but people worry about me when I feel down. My therapist says that once you've been through a major depression it's prone to re-visit.

Sometimes something triggers it, sometimes it's just being tired, sad or frustrated. Sometimes it's because I really miss someone I've lost. I've learned coping skills on how to move ahead when that happens, but that doesn't mean it will stop it from happening once in awhile.

The reason I speak out about it is I feel I'm helping people by breaking the stigma. We could tuck it away in the closet and pretend we're fine all the time but I think that's what makes people crazy. Now my go-to is: Let it out. Cry. Spend a whole day wallowing if you need to. Take a nap. Watch something fun on Netflix. Then wipe your eyes and get up tomorrow knowing it's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. Depression Lies. Tell your unwanted visitor his time is up and he has to leave now.

I've always been a tiny (huge) bit dramatic and that's what us writers and artists are, aren't we? I don't think I'm that dramatic anymore because I feel safe and secure, but I still have those days when I need to focus on self-care. We were going out the other night to watch the Raptors play. On the way there Jay was like "Who's my crazy girl? You are. But you're MY crazy girl". He's right. I can be crazy. I'll go out for a walk and come home with a puppy or a kitten or someone who needs to crash on our couch indefinitely.

At the end of the day, it's refreshing to have someone who loves me not because were in the same cult or they're trying to control what I do, but because they think I deserve to be loved. Who sits with me when I cry sometimes. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and always says "we got this". Who helps me lock the door when my unwanted visitor comes calling. Who shows me I'm so much more than just someone who was raised in a cult, abandoned by most family and friends, who deals with depression every now and then.

This is real love and I know it doesn't happen every day. Whatever you're going through, there are people are out there who will love you regardless. Find your people. You have the power, you just have to believe in that for yourself. The sun is shining again and ps. get a dog :)

If you can't love yourself how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an Amen? *RuPaul

Sullivan out.

It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business. 

Beyond the Barricade

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I find myself without a past. I had one person left. (Wait for the book.)

People don't really get my relationship with my therapist. It's taken him a long time to "fix me". Too long in their eyes. I trusted in the process and I trust him. This couldn't have been an easy job. He told me he knew how sad I was that my last old life friend was taken from me by my family, what else did they have left to take? They went for the heart this time. I only blame myself for not seeing it coming from that crew.

Ross said think about it. She was the last link to your old life. You tell me sometimes you wake up confused because you dream you're still JW, you're still in your family, you're still married, you're still with your all old friends. Now, when you wake up it can really just be a dream. Shake it off and get on with your day. They are all GONE.

Would I trade everything for one day back there, in that life? There was a time I would have. Sometimes I call Jay "Travis" (I've never done that with anyone else) and we both pretend it never happened or maybe he doesn't even notice.  Either way, I'm with him. I love him. And with everyone else gone, I've come beyond the barricade and realized on the other side it's not entirely peaceful. It's the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I don't think it's circumstantial that I've been abused and taken advantage of out here. It happens in there too, to a lot of people and everyone should know that. It's me, I'm a different person. No one would have stood up to me before, but then I got broken and it started happening. I hate to say "me too" but it's true. It's happened.

Let's keep moving forward though and see what else is beyond the barricade. I learned the truth about myself. I have learned compassion, I have learned to grow. The finish line is immortal. The moments that define you have already happened and will happen again. And never, ever, ever, die before your death.

Sullivan out.

Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

In Sunshine or in Shadow

Let's be honest. We all say we don't pick sides. But we do. When my husband, I mean ex-husband, and I broke up, no one was on my side. They weren't allowed to be because of the cult. They also chose not to pick his side because they blamed him for what had happened.

Then I blamed them for not being there for him and it's just a circle that goes around and around.

I had a friend recently who decided she didn't like me anymore. That's fine. Doesn't matter how much effort you put into being a good friend, girls are difficult. And I'm saying that as a feminist.

Say what you want about me. She said so many awful things that I wouldn't even put into writing because they don't matter. I didn't respond.

So she picked the other side. She went after my boyfriend. That's where I draw the line. It was one thing when she said it over text. Then over email. But then she left a voicemail. All saying the same terrible things about him. When there's really nothing terrible to say.

And I'll tell y'all right now, you go after me, whatever. I'm used to it. I man up. You go after the guy who takes care of me when no one else does, the guy who takes y'all out for dinner and pays for everything, the guy who drives you home when you've been drinking, the guy who walks your kid, the guy who gives you big hugs, the guy who has never been anything but kind and generous and sweet to you? Watch out bitch. You'd better not come near me again.

He's been there for me in sunshine or in shadow. No matter what happens in life, he's always like, "we've got this". And not just me. A lot of us. So let's stop hating and shut up Lindsay.

It's really too bad because he does love your baby.

Sullivan out.

Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

Mommy Dearest

Got my yearly email from my birth mother. Y'all should know how dangerous I am by now. That's what apostates are right?

She means well. She just wants me to come back to Jehovah. It was funny though, this was the first time she tried to differentiate Him from the organization. It's just Jehovah, it's not the organization. Like saying, it's just Hitler, it's not the Nazis. You can trust him. What about all the child abuse cases in the media about how the JWs covered it all up?

The usual about how much I'm hurting her and my sister with my choice to stay away. Was it me who decided to sell of all my cherished family heirlooms for pennies to the JWs and not give me a chance to keep anything from my past so she could show up here a few days before she moved to Panama? With a box filled with my old report cards and all the gifts I'd ever given her?

Or to be my sister? Who invited me to her wedding and I said ARE YOU SURE? and she was like absolutely, you're my sister! So I saved up $700 for a present and bought a dress I couldn't afford and then she shows up the week before and says well the elders said you can't come.

But I'm the one hurting them. Of course I am.

She asked me to come to the district convention and I said, you know there's always a discourse on staying away from apostates and I'll be shunned all weekend? She said I should stop being sarcastic. Can I get a hell ya from any of the rest of you outcasts out there that that would be the way it would go?

They are so brainwashed they don't even understand the other side anymore. The reason I identify as an apostate is that they labelled me that. And to be honest, it's not like either of the two of them are sitting there with angel wings.

I told her I had the best friends. That my friends have been there for me through everything. That if I left I would have to give them up. She said you've been sick, you must be unhappy. I said well you and Erin have been going around for years telling people you're both dying so maybe you're not happy either.

My kinda on and off boyfriend always says we all live lives of quiet desperation. I'm not. And mum, unfortunately, I'm too busy to go to the district convention. You can send me the notes. I won't read them. I do love you though.

Sullivan out.

Bend until you break

Take your makeup off, let your hair down, take a breath, when you're all alone, do you like you?

Do you? I don't like myself. To be honest, I don't think any of us should have to bend until we break. I've done that. I'm ashamed of it. Trying to belong has not been my forte since I left the cult. I made mistakes. I handled it better than some of our friends who are gone now. The ones who decided it was better to be go away than to keep trying. I don't blame them. I get it. I cannot tell you how many times I've been there. You'll have to wait for that book I'm writing that is never going to be finished to find out all about that. Good luck with that :)

I have all these pictures in my head of my past life. "I hate you, I love you" is the theme song of my life. I love them all but I hate them too. I hate them for not loving me enough to stick with me when I decided to leave. I love them because erasing them would mean half of my life is just gone. Like it never happened.

I always fall in love with the wrong men. And it's entirely possible the wrong girls as well.

I'm retiring the blog just for awhile. I was talking to Liz the other day. Liz: Have you googled you? You're everywhere.

Let's be honest, probably not as much as the Kardashians are (my god, did I actually use that word on my blog?)

I've used this blog as my personal diary, there's a reason those used to come with a lock and key. It's been a heartbreaking, joyful, terrifying, exciting wonderful journey here on the outside.

I met Margaret Atwood the other weekend. She was lovely. Then I started to feel bad because even though I look up to her as a wildly popular Canadian author, truth be told, I've never read any of her books. I have at least a hundred books in my apartment. Some of them hers. I'm still making the rounds and usually I have two or three on the go, so I can pick what I read depending on my mood.

So I cheated. Liz was watching the Handmaid's Tale on TV. I followed suit. I know the Jehovah's Witnesses are not as bad as that situation. They don't have machine guns....that I'm aware of :) At the end of the day, there's so many similarities though. Us, them, the Scientologists, the Mormons...the list goes on.

The secret lingo, the distrust, the spying on each other. Women go everywhere in twos, you can't be alone with a man who is not your husband. There are extreme penalties for breaking the rules and they all come with a scripture they can beat you over the head with. Some random scripture from the bible which was written in an age when men got away with anything they wanted. Multiple wives, concubines, wars, stoning people to death, killing anyone you wanted. The Bible is basically Game of Thrones on crack. But these were "God's people". Women and gays were synonymous with the lesser and subjected to all kinds of abuse.

How Margaret put all that together in 1985 is really impressive. With Trump and Trudeau running our world, I wonder how close life will become to that piece of fiction.

They tell the handmaiden that "everyone breaks". For so many people who have been raised in oppressive, non-accepting lives, that's true.

Okay, I'm going to sign off. I'll leave this up for the weekend and then we need to take a break. Have a couple of job interviews coming up and I don't need potential employers googling me. It's just a break, not a break up. For those of you out there who feel trapped, remember it might seem to be easier to stay somewhere where you feel secure. If you feel that way though, remember that security could be ripped away from you at any moment for the smallest infraction.

GET OUT.

We will be here on the other side to help.

Sullivan out.

Stand By Me

"When the night has come, and the land is dark. And the moon is only light we'll see. I won't be afraid..."

I've been hanging out with my favorite couple in the dog park the past couple of days.

Them: How was Cuba?

Me: It was great. Exactly what I needed.

Them: This guy must really want to get together with you.

He doesn't. We tried that, like a million years ago. I don't even know how long we've been friends at this point. A long time, since my life only really started about 7 years ago. I was a terrible girlfriend. The worst.

Somehow though, he's stuck with me. Like a lot of people, I hated 2016. I got sick and almost died. At the same time I lost my job. Then, the guy I'd been seeing for months disappeared. He said I was too inconvenient and not "fun enough" when I wasn't well. He didn't even call me once when I was in the hospital for two weeks.

You know who was there though? Jay. Every. Single. Day. And for the two months after that, when I could barely get out of bed and was in pain all the time. The other guy was right, I wasn't much fun.

Jay decided we should get away and start the new year happy. So we did. The first night, we were watching some live music. It was all in Spanish and the guy was an excellent musician. I went up to meet him on one of his breaks and I asked him if he could play a song for us. Without skipping a beat, he smiled and started to play Stand By Me.

It was appropriate. Anytime anything bad happens, Jay shows up. He holds my hand and says "I got you". And he does. There are so many different kinds of love out there. I'm still not used to the unconditional kind. Love doesn't have to be romantic. It just has to be real. This love story is. I'm a happy girl. :)

Sullivan out.

Broken Places

"The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places."

Lindsay loves it when I blog about her so here we go. My friend is focused. She knows what she wants and it's just love at the end of the day. I can't even count how many dates she's been on. (Just dates, don't go thinking all dirty.)

I can't remember everyone's name and sometimes I mix them all up. I usually do not like them. I told one of them that one night. We went for dinner and I just looked at him and said, I don't like you. I was right, he was an asshole, but she was understandably worried when I was coming over to meet her new boyfriend.

He is lovely. Even my jaded, critical mind couldn't find anything wrong with him. He made us dinner and did the dishes so we could have some alone time to catch up. We all want to be loved. Some of us just work harder at it. I don't really date. I hate new people and they always end up being disappointing.

I did date one guy this past year who got to me. In seven years since Adam, no one gets to me. My heart has really huge walls and they are covered in barb wire, unless you are in the inner circle, you don't get in.

He was a very old friend though and I actually loved him. It irritates me how everyone says it wasn't a "real relationship". Yah I'm talking about you, my family. If something feels real to you, all the people who judge you are just noise. Hey, I've spent 7 years on here talking about Adam. I don't care about that anymore. If all this guy did is get me to the other side, good on him.

I told Lindsay they were moving too fast. But, I'm just noise. I want her to be happy and she is. I just can't shake the side of me that doesn't trust anyone anymore. That prefers to be alone rather than to be courageous and put myself out there like she does.

I literally have three people I trust. Four people if we count my therapist. I cherish them. People who I know, in my darkest hour, I can call and they won't judge me. If the depression comes back and I can't leave the apartment, they will walk my dog. And make me eat. Three people is all you really need. :)

Meryl Streep said last night to take your broken heart and turn it into art, My heart has been broken so many times I can't count it anymore. I hate that I still love those people. But I'm working on a book. And the broken places? They are all just blog fodder. I am still cute. I could pretend on social media that I'm perfect. You would never know the truth. I'd rather be honest. That's why y'all still read me right?

Sullivan out.

Thinking Out Loud

This is a link to your perfect Sunday morning song. Is there anyone out there not in love with Ed Sheeran right now?

I've had an awesome weekend. My girlfriend got us tickets to Blue Rodeo, my favorite band on Friday night. They always play in Toronto within a week of my birthday, every February. They are always amazing.

I babysat my other girlfriends dog yesterday. If there's anything better than being at the beach in February with two dogs on Saturday morning, I don't know what that is.

My ex took us all out to the beach, despite the wreckage to his backseat with all the mud and paw prints. Then we went to the market, got a frame for the picture my girlfriend brought me from Japan. I was watching him trying to hang my newest favorite piece of art. Then he came with me to my friends place to help her rearrange her furniture on Saturday night. And I realized something.

I had to break up with the guy I've been seeing. I know birthdays are just an age. But at my age (which is definitely not 27) I know what I want. And what I don't want. Nice, handsome guys are a dime a dozen. I would know, I've dated dozens of them. :)

Maybe I'll never feel the way I felt with "The One". There's only one the one right? But if I can't be madly in love again, maybe that's not a bad thing. My therapist thinks the sweet spot that I'm in now is a good thing. We were talking about it on Friday. I love my life. And all the people in it. There's no one though who could decide to walk away tomorrow and it would destroy me the way he did. And then my sister and my mom did. Over and over again.

New guy is a nice guy. And Lindsay thinks it was a bad move to break up with him over text. But seriously, if a guy never called you a phone call would be weird. And how many of them have broken up with us over text?

My ex is an ex for a reason. But he's also one of my best friends. And isn't that an important factor in the equation? Yes, the passion and lust and all that is nice. At the end of the day, the guy who helps you make your home better, who supports you even when you're making mistakes, who cuddles you when you sleep, who believes in you even when you lose your way is the one I would prefer to grow old with. Even just as friends. :)

A Thousand Suns

I love you with the fierce intensity of a thousand suns.  - Donia Ruel

I had a roomate when I was working with Donia. M. We adopted her quote and wrote it down in notes to each other. And it was true. That's why it was so hard for me to say goodbye to Donia this past year. Love that strong, that loyal and that long standing is hard to replace. Not hard, impossible.

Our friendship outlasted my marriage by 13 years. M and I have been friends for 28 years now. On and off. We were bridesmaids in each others weddings. We wore the same shoes. Donia and I were easy soulmates, we were so alike. M and I were perfect opposites. Besides our taste in the same men, we didn't really have anything in common. She's brunette, I was always blonde. She's a gypsy, I'm more of the planting roots type of girl. There was however the fact that we both loved our coffee in the morning and a glass of wine at night.

One of the things I appreciate about my Jehovah's Witness upbringing was our simple, innocent childhood. I think the worst thing M and I ever did together was "borrow" her dad's truck one weekend and drive to the beach where we camped for the night. Listened to cheesy 90s heavy metal music and probably could have got ourselves killed had there been a serial killer in the area.

There wasn't, and two small town girls ended up in Toronto together. She hated my cat. I hated her sister. We made it work anyway.

I have one other friend of over 20 years that's not part of the crazy cult I left. When she got herself kicked out of the JWs, I shunned her.  When I got kicked out, M shunned me. We all came to our senses at different times in our life and the great thing about this is that none of us held a grudge. We all understood the brainwashing, the need to "obey". But as soon as we each walked away, we knew immediately who to call first to be there for us, to hold our hand and tell us we were doing the right thing. To hold on to a piece of our lost past that is so important to us.

I spent last weekend in Montreal with M. My absolutely lovely ex-boyfriend immediately cancelled the gift he'd ordered for me for Christmas and bought me a train ticket as soon as I mentioned M wanted me to come visit. I can't even really explain what it's like to be with her or K. I love my friends here. I have been extremely lucky with the people I happened to connect with since I've been on the outside. It's different though, being with someone who had the same upbringing as you, someone who knows all the really important people in your life - the ones who are departed - and who you don't have to explain or excuse your crazy to. We watched fireworks at midnight on New Years and went home and watched Anne of Green Gables.

I left Montreal feeling happier than I've felt in almost a year. That I have those connections, that family. The ones who don't have to reach to try to understand me. I was still in my happy haze when I went back to work. I walked out that first day to grab some lunch and I ran into HER. The only one besides my ex-husband and my family that I still miss. I practically raised her, she was my sunshine, my baby. Unfortunately I brainwashed her into the cult and now we're just strangers who pass on the street sometimes.

She gave me a hug and said we should do lunch sometime. I'm pretty sure that was just because she was with her co-workers. There's a lot of complicated rules to being a JW. When you're with "outsiders" you have to pretend to love everyone. When you're on the inside you have to pretend not to care about the outsiders.

I took a chance though and texted her. V just said "Are you okay?" Of course I'm okay, princess. Y'all know I had a really terrible year in 2015. But that's over. The only pain I had to deal with was inflicted by the JWs. And a death. I have countless people to thank that I got to the other side. Family, work, friends. They got me through it. Because my darling V, that's what people do here on the outside. We love and support each other unconditionally. Sometimes it's tough love. But we don't discard people based on their life choices. When you're ready, and you will be because you're my girl, we're all here. Ready to shine out the fierce love of a thousand suns.

Sullivan out.

Reality Bites

I have good news. I have a new job. I miss the old job already, but mostly just the people. My old boss Stuart always said "Onward and upward!". He had so many lines and buzzwords we actually played Stuart Buzzword Bingo the night we said goodbye to him. I still have his playing board on the wall because apparently I'm a hoarder and don't know how to say good-bye to anyone. 

This new job was a long time coming, but worth the wait. It's a big learning curve and I'm trying to keep up. It is a much better fit for me and I'm excited. After five years it was time to move on. 

But y'all know I hate change. There's all those people out there who think change is fun, it's exciting. I don't know if it was because I was raised JW that I don't know the best way to process even the best of changes. They made me scared. 

My brother invited me over about a month ago and we watched Reality Bites. If you didn't grow up in the 90s and want to know how that went, just rent the movie. It's pretty accurate. Even the scene where they go to the gas station and buy treats with her dad's gas card. I did that back in the day. I was driving a black Bronco and going to the movies with Scott, my rugby star non-JW boyfriend. We went in and bought all the treats we wanted for the movies on daddy's gas card. I guess I've never been 100% straight laced. :)

That seems like 100 years ago. I honestly never thought I'd get older than 23, that life would continue as it does. It seems ridiculous looking back, but I thought Armageddon was coming and I would live forever in a Paradise on earth. I actually believed that. Now I know the truth. The truth is, we go to work. Some of us are lucky enough to enjoy it. Some of us are lucky enough to be surrounded with the best people you could hope for. I'm one of those people and I'm very grateful. 

Then we come home, eat something, watch some tv. Maybe grab a drink with a friend. If we're very, very lucky, we might fall in love, have someone to count the days with. If it happens, we could have a kid. That would be lovely. It doesn't change the fact though, that I'm not ready to confront the reality that we're all going to die. My therapist can't help me, my friends can't help me. 

When I was in the hospital for surgery on the weekend, I asked the anesthesiologist if there was a chance I might die from the drugs. She just said vaguely that there's a chance of anything in life. It was very comforting. :)

They kept saying: "You're alone. Why are you alone?"

I should have told them it's because they won't let big ass dogs into the OR. Or because most of the people I love most don't live live within driving distance to the OR. 

It hasn't been a stellar week. I am happy about the new job though and grateful for the people who have got me this far. Reality Bites. 

Sullivan out.

Get the Guy

I would have given you all of my heart. But there's someone who's torn it apart. And she's taken just all that I had, but if you want I'll try to love again, baby, I'll try to love again but I know...the first cut is the deepest. - Rod Stewart

Yes, it's been a cheesy old people music kind of day. I hate to be a complainer but I'm so tired. Never take a few months off work, even if you're really sick because it's so hard to get back into your routine. I just want to take naps and stay home. 

I do however love my neighbourhood. We're all friends here. I went into a store today and the guy working there called me Maggie. Maybe that's what set off my Rod obsession (for all you teenagers out there Maggie May is a very popular Rod Stewart song) but no one has ever really nicknamed me. Okay, not "no one". My little brother calls me Marge. I hate it. My sister calls me Aux. But only one other person has ever called me Maggie, which I'm actually fine with. He was one of the best friends I ever had, who turned out to be one of the worst friends I ever had.

Men. I've always been unlucky, which I knew even though the JWs don't believe in luck. When my ex husband wanted to marry me I told him my bad luck would wear off on him. He considered himself extremely lucky and said no, his good luck would wear off on me. WRONG. 

It seems like everyone I know got engaged this month. I'm happy for all of them. But I have reservations about marriage. I feel like I've been to the puppet show, I've seen the strings. Since my divorce I've tried really hard to put myself back out there. I've dated everyone. Tall, short, slim, chubby, white, black, brunettes, redheads, blondes. 

There have been three guys in my life that I was absolutely crazy about. The rest were nice guys I've been lucky to spend some time with.  I realized in the midst of all this wedding news, I don't know what I want. I thought I wanted to find love again, have a kid. Be a normal person. I'm not normal though. I've given it a good try. It never works out for me. 

Right now, I care about me. My life, my siblings, my job, my friends, my happiness. I'm just a fucked up girl who really doesn't know if she needs or even wants a man anymore. I feel completely complete without one and I'm happy. I have my girls, my gay boys, my lovely ex-boyfriends, my adopted family. I feel surrounded by love and support from the best people in the world. If it happens again, great. If I stumble upon someone who is a great best friend, a wonderful lover and completely into being mutually supportive, I'll give it a shot. But I'm not going to try to chase it down anymore. Matthew Hussey is disappointed with me. He really wants me to try to "get the guy". :)

I just don't believe "getting the guy" is the purpose of life. We don't need someone to complete us. We complete ourselves, with a little help from the fabulous people around us. You'll have to excuse me, now I have to go and help plan a bunch of weddings. 

Sullivan out.