Mommy Dearest

Got my yearly email from my birth mother. Y'all should know how dangerous I am by now. That's what apostates are right?

She means well. She just wants me to come back to Jehovah. It was funny though, this was the first time she tried to differentiate Him from the organization. It's just Jehovah, it's not the organization. Like saying, it's just Hitler, it's not the Nazis. You can trust him. What about all the child abuse cases in the media about how the JWs covered it all up?

The usual about how much I'm hurting her and my sister with my choice to stay away. Was it me who decided to sell of all my cherished family heirlooms for pennies to the JWs and not give me a chance to keep anything from my past so she could show up here a few days before she moved to Panama? With a box filled with my old report cards and all the gifts I'd ever given her?

Or to be my sister? Who invited me to her wedding and I said ARE YOU SURE? and she was like absolutely, you're my sister! So I saved up $700 for a present and bought a dress I couldn't afford and then she shows up the week before and says well the elders said you can't come.

But I'm the one hurting them. Of course I am.

She asked me to come to the district convention and I said, you know there's always a discourse on staying away from apostates and I'll be shunned all weekend? She said I should stop being sarcastic. Can I get a hell ya from any of the rest of you outcasts out there that that would be the way it would go?

They are so brainwashed they don't even understand the other side anymore. The reason I identify as an apostate is that they labelled me that. And to be honest, it's not like either of the two of them are sitting there with angel wings.

I told her I had the best friends. That my friends have been there for me through everything. That if I left I would have to give them up. She said you've been sick, you must be unhappy. I said well you and Erin have been going around for years telling people you're both dying so maybe you're not happy either.

My kinda on and off boyfriend always says we all live lives of quiet desperation. I'm not. And mum, unfortunately, I'm too busy to go to the district convention. You can send me the notes. I won't read them. I do love you though.

Sullivan out.

What do you mean?

Alright, I'm a not so closet Justin Bieber fan. But the kid is right. Y'all can be really difficult to figure out. I love you, I don't. I want you in my life, I don't. I'll always be there for you, I won't.

My love for people is unconditional. To a fault. To the point where I have severely damaged myself giving out too many second chances. Third chances. More than that.

I'm so imperfect, I can't even start to write a list of all the areas I could improve on. But I know one thing for sure. I know how to love. And sometimes that is what destroys you.

I've been extremely lucky to find some really amazing people who will accept me, love me, take chances on me despite everything that's happened. You know who you are.

This back and forth though? I really can't take it anymore. I'm done. That's why I block people from my phone and email. How many times can you get burned by the same people and just smile when they give you some little treat to go on? I'm not a dog.  I have a dog. I give him treats but he also gets to sleep next to me in the bed. I love him even when he makes mistakes.

You JWs though? Leave me alone. I've heard from two more in the past week. And they mean well. I love them. But stop. It's been SIX years. The shun/unshun, love/unlove - it's gotta stop. Delete my phone number. My email address. Stop trying to save my soul. I'm going to hell in every religion. The good part? I don't believe in hell. Hell is here. Heaven is here. I'm sorry you can't see the wreckage you leave behind every time you pretend to care about me but you're really just trying to convert me back. Or maybe it's something else. I know I'm good at making people feel loved. And even in the lovely on the outside, psycho on the inside organization they have set up for you, you don't find the kind of connection with most of them that you had with me. That's because I wasn't faking it. Or doing it out of obligation. I really did love you. I'm sorry if you miss me. That was your choice to get rid of me though.

I'm proud to be an APOSTATE. You had the past six years of me trying to build a bridge where we could meet somewhere in the middle. Not anymore. The bridge is burned. I'm sorry that y'all are having to listen to all the reports of sex abuse cover up, all the recent scandals with the organization. The court cases, the constant pressure they are putting on you to donate more money to help them deal with this.

Staying there though, is your choice. It's been a long path from where we all began. I'm so far off the beaten track though you should stop trying. I'm not the one lost, you are. I wish nothing but the best for all of you. Please though, stop fucking with my brain. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop emailing me. Or I'll have to start turning you in for talking to an apostate. The worst crime any JW could ever commit. Don't be guilty of it.

Sullivan out.