Adam

Sneak peek. I'm finally writing my book. I decided to call all the chapters by peoples names. You can tell me if that's a good idea, leave a comment. Apparently though you have to have their consent or if not change their names. So Adam is reviewing this one. 

Adam

When I met my ex-husband, I was still in the cult. I thought, this is as good as it gets. I was 16. Even if our marriage was far from perfect, I still think that having grown up the way he did, he was a pretty good person.

Not a good husband.

I married him but I wasn’t in love. On the outside, we were perfect. On the inside I was dying. I’m a romantic. He had every excuse in the book to not come home. Hockey, golf, boy’s nights.

I was at a point in my life where I was questioning the Jehovah’s Witnesses belief system. But of course you can never talk about that, or you will be labelled an apostate and shunned by all family and friends. Which did happen to me. But before that…

I met Adam.

We were work friends for two years. He was someone I could finally talk to about the truth. In my other life, nothing you ever did was good enough. Taking care of all these people, volunteering all your time. Didn’t matter, you just had to work harder. Be better. You are never good enough. Especially if you’re a woman.

Adam loved me just the way I was and with all my imperfections. We could talk about anything for hours. It happened organically and we never officially crossed the cheating line. Except I did because I fell so in love with him that I finally found the strength to give up everything and everyone else for the chance that we’d end up living in a house on the beach and having strawberry blonde children.

Every time I walked into the office my heart would beat faster. Every time I got a message on my phone I hoped it was him. I had never felt that way about anyone. 

Stuart, my ex-boss/ex-boyfriend took me out for drinks one night while this all was happening and he said Mahhhhgaux (he’s British) married men never leave their wives.

Adam is smart. He is handsome. And kind. And as much as I tell myself he never really loved me I think he did. When it was over, I tried to kill myself. After everything I had lost, I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it. Without the beach house and those kids.

Whatever the outcome was, Adam was my BIG love and the catalyst that got me to wake up and get out of the cult. I will always love him for that. I owe him my second life.

RIP

Word to the wise: even if Les Mis is one of your favorite books, don't watch the movie on a Sunday if you've had a bad week. Every song just makes you cry.

I would like to thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive to me and my friend Jay after hearing about the passing of our friend a few days ago. My ex used to say if I wanted to make this blog better I could just tell the truth. No sugar coating or waxing poetic.

So this isn't a feel good blog. Sometimes, life just sucks. In some ways, I'm almost envious of my friend. He was in pain, he wanted this life to be over and now it is for him. I've actually heard of three suicides this week, there must be some kind of energy shift in the universe.

I was talking to another friend today who, like me, like my friend, has attempted to kill himself. When I told him about my friend, he was like "good for him". He and I both woke up in hospital rooms in paper diapers hooked up to an IV and our first thought was "Fuck. I'm failing at life and I can't even get this death thing done right."

He and I are both happy with our lives now. But the work it takes to get there? It's hard. It's exhausting. It takes years. And you still live with the sadness. As you know, I decided to disfellowship myself from the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've tried over and over through the past three years. Someone always cried or begged me not to and I would just take it back. Every time.

This time, I got the same messages. Please reconsider. Please be sure that this is really what you want. I had to be more direct. Why do they even want me to stay? I'm a huge apostate. I walk up to people on the street talking to them and warn them it's a dangerous cult and they should keep walking. I've called our their elders as selfish, perverted cowards and bullies. I've told them my husband, also an elder, was abusive. We were together over ten years. He remarried one of my supposed friends in about 5 minutes after he divorced me.

I lost the only man I will ever really love because it took me too long to do this. Yes, it's been seven years and I'm still in love with Adam. Can you say single forever?

This time the elders respected my wishes and made the announcement on Tuesday. I got the email from Walter on Wednesday. He sounded sad and I felt bad for him. He is definitely one of the good ones. I'm sorry to let him down. I'm not sorry I made that decision though.

I might always live with the nightmares. Wake up every morning with panic attacks. At least I'm free. It's actually harder than I thought, killing the JW aspect of my life. It was such a huge part of me for so long. I've found some little bit of peace with this step. I don't know if I'm really helping anyone with this blog. And obviously I can't save my friends, even if I know what they are going through. All we can really do is try our best. I don't know what happens when we die, but I'm hoping George is in a better place. Rest in peace, my friend. I'll get there someday.

Sullivan out.

Little Lights Shining in the Dark

I had this great friend when I was a Jdub. She was always in love with my husband, but I didn't really get jealous. She was very old. And kinda prickly in the beginning. She was a widow, her husband was the love of her life. She took care of him while he lived with Alzheimer's. Then she was alone. No kids. No family. My ex-husband and I adopted her. She always liked him the most but she loved me too. She called us her kids.

We used to go over every Monday night and make her dinner, took her grocery shopping every Friday at noon, for years. Even after we moved to the Vietnamese and had more on our plate than any two good kids could handle, we always made time for Evelyn. Good times, she wasn't a burden. We would play games and drink this cheap red wine she liked. Talk about all the old times. She could tell you to the year, month, day and hour how long she had been with Lester.

I'm not sure what got into me this past weekend (except a very extreme case of PMS) but gawd, I missed these people. On Saturday I opened a drawer and started tearing things up. Letters, cards, pictures. Then I found this one. 

She said" There is a lot of kindness wrapped up in Travis and Margaux. You may not know it, but you two have changed my life in many ways. It is more colourful, meaningful and interesting. It has built me up."

And then, I didn't touch it but her picture fell on the ground and the glass shattered. I know y'all might think I'm silly with my psychics and superstitions, but I knew she was gone. He and I didn't get divorced for two years. We still went to visit her in the home. I don't think she ever knew we broke up and that's a very good thing. Just seeing his face would make her smile every time. I used to visit her when I was disfellowshipped. She was too old at that point to know I wasn't supposed to be there. Then we got to the point where she didn't know it was me at all.

I was a lot more fragile back then. This past winter while my other friend died, I showed up. Until the last night she was still breathing. I wish I had done that with Evelyn. Because of course, I'm such a dangerous influence, none of the JWs could be bothered to tell me she died or that there was a funeral. Even though I know and she knows and they know that I deserved to be there.

I wonder sometimes if this is what it will be like when my mother dies? I just find out randomly because I call someone I don't talk to anymore and ask the question? Oh yes Margaux, it's very sad. There was a funeral. You weren't invited.

It's disappointing that they think and preach openly that this is the way to win someone back. Through this terrible cruelty that's not even human kindness. Unfortunately, their tactics don't work on me. Each of these little heartbreaks just make me more determined that I made the right choice. I am NEVER coming back. And I'm a big old apostate so just disfellowship me again for Christ's sake.

We're all just little lights shining in the dark and it's sad when a bright one goes out. Evelyn, I love you and I'm sure you're in a better place. And your boyfriend/my ex-husband? I'm sure he misses you too. That's one of the biggest reasons I will always love that guy. He jumped on board with all my adopted strays and they are probably the only ones who really knew him for who he actually was. My time and friendship with both of you will always be happy memories. Rest in peace. Xo.

Sullivan out.

The Dance

We were young, we were reckless, we'll take this way too far. It will leave you breathless or with a nasty scar. - TS

Y'all know that I would write something today. 

I can't go through August 9th without pulling out the wedding album and having a cry. He's moved on. He's having a baby this month. 

He was the best friend I've ever had. None of my family really ever approved. Just before we walked down the aisle my dad said: "We don't have to do this, we have a car. We can just leave." But I was walking down that aisle and marrying the man I loved. 

Sex and the city says it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. I'm almost there. In the meantime, I wish nothing but happiness for him. I hope his baby girl is healthy and happy. I wish things had turned out differently and she would be mine. 

We never had a song. After we broke up we found it. 

"I'm glad I didn't know
The way it would all would end, the way it all would go. 
Our lives are better left to chance. 
I would have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance."

Sullivan out. 

I want you to want me

This is the blog that won't be written. I've tried for days, but it doesn't want to come out. I've been home for almost six weeks now. Six weeks of family and chores and bad weather. 

You know what's worse than six weeks? Six years. 

It's my fucking anniversary of being disfellowshipped from the JWs. Anniversaries are hard. Especially when your girlfriend calls you and says your ex-husband who would never have a baby with you is expecting a little girl in August.

I'm happy for him. It might be the time off work or the four therapists I currently am seeing, but I'm done. Six years is long enough to try to get your family back. Six years is long enough to mourn what you've lost. Six years of panic attacks and depression. Six years of wishing things were different. It's time to move on. 

Family ties hold strong and they are hard to break. I've had so many people hating on me for trying to hold on to the past. You'll be happy to know I'm over that and looking forward to whatever comes next. On my own. As soon as I leave Nova Scotia. Which may or may not be anytime soon. 

In the meantime, I'm working on being happy and it's working. Do I wish things were different? Of course I do. Do I miss my sister, my ex-husband and the love of my life? (Three separate people.) YES. Do I know how to move forward without them? Yes. 

Do I wish they had loved me as much as I loved them? Yes. I wish they had wanted me in their lives as much as I wanted to be there. But sometimes you have to take a detour and it doesn't mean you won't still reach your destination. It's just a little more time. You'll get there and so will I. 

Sullivan out.   

My Therapist Says...

So like every Friday afternoon, last week I walked into the doctor's office. 

I picked him on purpose. He's a spiritual teacher, he's studied Buddhism, he's very Zen.

I told him about the nightmares. Just like the week before. The week before he told me I should just ask those people to leave when they showed up. Didn't work, I couldn't do it.  

This week was completely different. And a little surprising. 

Him: Have you thought about getting a sword? 

Me: No. 

Him: It might help. Have you ever taken self defense classes?

Me: I took boxing for awhile. 

I went through a rough time. Boxing helped. I remember one night, when the X and I were still friends, he texted me before my class and just said: "Punch something. Hard." He and my brother are probably the only people who will ever know how hellish life was back then. 

Or maybe my therapist gets it too. I've been on the internet for the past few days looking up boxing gloves and how does one even buy a sword in Canada? 

Maybe we can fuse the zen, the spirituality, the striving for inner peace with our innate need to feel like we can protect ourselves from harm, from evil, from injustice. 

I'll figure it out. In the meantime, I'll still go to yoga, but I found a boxing gym close by. My gloves will be pink. And if you know anyone who sells swords, let me know. :)

Sullivan out.

The Bride

"If it ain't broke, don't marry it." - Samantha, Sex and the City

Today is my wedding anniversary. I'm not even sure if it's still technically my anniversary now that he's been married to his new wife for two years, but it still feels like it is. 

Had I known I would wake up one day and decide to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, ask him to come with me and he would say no, choose them over me...I may never have made the choice to get married. Or maybe I would have. Who of us can say what decisions we would have made differently knowing the outcome?

My dad knew. Daddy rented me a white Rolls Royce, the icing on the cake for my absolutely perfect wedding. As we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, he leaned over, looked me in the eye and said "We don't have to do this. We have a car. We can leave right now."  

No way. I was young and naive and nothing was going to stop me from walking down that aisle and marrying the man I loved. Not the nagging doubts, not the fighting between us, not the fact that his family never liked me in the first place. Not the fact that my family didn't like him all that much either. 

We'd been friends since we were 15. He was tall and handsome with the bluest eyes anyone has ever seen. He was brilliant and incredibly funny. No other man has been able to make me laugh so hard that I cry. In the end, we both hurt each other, both broke promises we made. But I don't regret it. He was an excellent choice for my first husband, for the person I was when we were together. 

Will I ever get married again? Probably not. No matter what happens, who I date, he is still my husband in my mind. We were not meant to be together, but we managed to do it for over a decade despite that. Our last anniversary together, we both knew it was past the point of no return. He used to make me pick out my own anniversary presents and plan the day, but that day he didn't. It was really special. 

We may have made a mistake in getting married. But sometimes mistakes are what make us who we are, shape our future. Give us something we would have missed in our life, even if we didn't know we could have had it. 

I'm terrible at dating, I don't trust people, I push them away. It's like I'm lost at sea without a lighthouse to show me the way home. Or an anchor to ground me. 

At the end of the day though, I'm happy he's found happiness. I wish him well. I spent a beautiful day on the lake with my friends today and I feel at peace with what we had, what we lost and what's been found again.

Fourteen years ago, he left me a note before he left one night. It said: "I know all about those other guys. The ones with the athletic thighs. I know all about the time before. Kissing at your front door. They might make you think you're happy. Maybe for a minute or two. They can't make you laugh. They can't make you feel the way I do."

You were right darling. I miss you. 

Sullivan out. 

Ps. Yes, that is a flask in my hand. Scotch. :)