Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

Used to Love You

Saturday morning song anyone? Click here. "I don't know why I cry but I think it's cause I remember for the first time since I hated you that I used to love you." - Gwen Stefani

Poor girl. That guy cheated on her so many times. I honestly can't understand why we aren't capable of just flicking a switch and turning our hearts off when people hurt us. That would be convenient.

My dad is very opposed to anger and resentment. But I think it's a phase we all have to go through. Fortunately, if you do all the hard work, you get past that. I wouldn't use "hate" as the word that has been part of my journey. HURT is better. Resentment? Yes, I've been there.

This week was the Memorial. The JWs don't celebrate anything, except that night. You know the one where Jesus has his last dinner with his apostles before he dies? Forget Christmas, Easter, anything enjoyable. Let's celebrate a murder. That's fun for kids.

Did I think about going to the memorial and drinking the wine and eating the bread and watching them all being horrified that a known apostate was in their midst claiming to be one of the anointed - that special 144,000 who are apparently the only ones going to heaven? Yes. At the end of the day though, as much as I loved/hated those people, it was more fun hanging out at home with my dog.

I get that some people still believe in Jesus and I respect that. Lots of people like to believe in Santa Claus. Whatever makes you happy.

I met up with a girl I found here on this blog last night. She was lovely. Damaged like me from our upbringing as JWs. The great thing though is they can't break us. They can try. They can rip our families away. They can make us depressed. They can make us alone. But only for a little while. :)

Then we find our tribe. We find each other. We find people who will love all our crazy and messed-up-ness. And with each of us who make a stand against them, we grow stronger. I've said it a million times. It's not the people. It's the money-hungry, brainwashing organization I'm against.

My therapist asks me sometimes if I regret being so open and honest on here and telling the truth. Yes, it scares potential boyfriends away. When I got disfellowshipped, I was completely alone. I couldn't find anyone to talk to. So when I decided to write this blog, I knew I was alienating the people I loved so much because speaking out against the organization is the worst sin you could ever commit.

I could have done it anonymously. I decided not to. I wanted my name out there so that anyone who was going through what I went through alone would have someone to reach out to. Who would understand where they were coming from. That's why AA is effective. They've all been through the exact same experience. They understand each other. And now, thanks to this blog, I've connected with so many people. Some of them are my friends now. I don't feel alone anymore. Those people I used to love? I hope they wake up someday and realize that they're pushing lies on innocent people. If they don't, then I hope they are happy living that way. I wasn't.

I'm happy now though. :)

Sullivan out.

Love Yourself

"You think I'm crying on my own but I ain't. And I didn't want to write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't." - Justin Bieber

What you don't like that song? I think he's coming along. :)

Happy Spring everyone! Y'all know I'm a new beginnings junkie. While, like everyone else I hate losing that extra hour of sleep, it's so exciting to start something new, yet again. :)

This past week has been monumental for me. Making the decision to disassociate myself from the JWs was difficult. To me though, this is a cause for celebration. I have never felt so free. So in control of my life. So proud of myself and the strong person I've become. 

That's why I have to address a rumour. 

This is my fault. I've been so open on here about the journey I've been through. That I've dealt with anxiety and depression. That I attempted suicide. I've done those things because I think we need to break down stigmas. We need to educate people on mental health issues. We need to let people know that it's okay to talk about it, to get the help you need. And they need to know it's something you can overcome. 

My therapist told me he thought I should get a samurai sword. That it would make me feel more empowered. I keep meaning to take some classes to learn how to use it but I've been lazy. The other weekend my friends were over and I wanted to show them how sharp it is. It's the same one Uma has in Kill Bill, just in red. :)

I'm a clutz. As I was taking it off the wall, I dropped it. I have a very deep cut on my wrist. I probably should have got stitches. But I was with my ex-boyfriend who thinks everything can be cured by just putting ice on it. The good part? I proved my point on how it IS a real sword and very sharp. The bad part? Everyone thinks I tried to kill myself again. I get people grabbing my wrist, asking me to get help. Talking about me behind my back. The reason I don't cover it up is because it heals better this way and I have NOTHING to hide. It was just an accident people!

Besides, as someone who has tried to kill themselves once, I know you don't cut it that way. You have to cut it the other way. And both wrists, not just one. So y'all can calm down. If you really don't believe me, I'll give you my friends phone numbers and you can ask them. 

I would never leave my dog. Or let you guys down who've stuck with me over the years. And I'm not depressed. I'm just a clumsy person with a sword. 

Let's end this on a fun note. I have a huge crush on my new neighbour. I'm terrible with names though, so when I ran into him in the hall yesterday I didn't know what to say because I can't remember his name. So I just said "Get that guy Max! Attack!" Of course Max would never hurt a flea but he ran over to him. The really handsome guy decided to take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator with us. He's probably also sick of listening to Justin Bieber through my walls. Yes, I will be single forever. :)

I finally love myself though, so if that's the only romance I get now, I'm fine with that. :)

Sullivan out. (But not because I'm home trying to off myself!)

Happiness Is...

A trap. An illusion. A reality. A certainty. It can be all of those things, depending on one thing and one thing only - us.

It's the plot line to every great book, every Oscar winning movie. Overcoming our barriers in life and finding whatever our personal version of success and happiness is. Okay, okay sometimes the Oscars only like those movies where everyone is miserable and dies at the end. But you get my point.

It's the end of January. It's cold and grey. It seems as though a lot of people are getting the winter blues. Grey is slowly becoming one of my favorite colors. In an effort to fight out against the cold, the wind, the miserable people, the grey...I've been trying to focus on what makes me happy.

So many times it's the big things. Things like work, family, friends, social life, romantic relationships. I won't lie, those things do make me happy. But I've had another *yes another* shitty couple of weeks. I was walking to work and there was a thin layer of snow on the ground. I didn't see a patch of ice and I slipped and fell. Hobbled around like an old lady for a week. My back finally started feeling better but then I caught some crazy cold/flu virus and couldn't even get out of bed for two days.

Time for a pity party right? Not this time. Those grounding influences I mentioned are so valued. In the day to day though, especially if we're on our own, we need to look for those little things that can make a whole day shine. I do a gratitude list every morning and I don't exclude the little things.

For instance:

- I'm so lucky to have really big windows. I wake up every morning and can sit and meditate on the floor while I watch the sun rise. It's the perfect start to the day.
- I work close enough to home that I can walk back and forth instead of commuting.
- Watching my dog play in the park every day and having him to sleep next to me every night.
- Today I received a letter in the mail from a very dear friend. Who writes letters in a world of wifi and text messaging and email? Kindred spirits.
- Yoga (enough said)
- My ex boyfriend bought me a lily one year when he felt bad that on mother's day I had nowhere to go. I've always had a lily since then.
- Books. I just finished a book about a girl who went from abuse to self-hate to self-love and I love those writers who just tell the simple truth and reassure us we're not alone, and we're going to land on our feet.

Yeah, that light dusting of snow that hid the ice gave me a bad week. But the snow was pretty :)

Happiness isn't complicated. And it's not eternal. No matter how much we have or how much we lose, we won't always feel happy. We can however, relish those moments, tuck them away in our hearts and draw on them when things aren't the best. Little pieces of sunshine for those cold, blustery January days.

If you'd like to share what little things make you happy, please leave a comment. Stay warm.

Sullivan out.