Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

The Dreamer

"I am just a dreamer but I'm hanging on. Though I am nothing big to offer. I watch the birds, how they dive and then gone like nothing in this world is ever still."


I've had a lot of change this year. 2016 kinda sucked. I left my job, the only really stable thing in my life besides Max. Then there was the whole almost dying drama. Then the guy I was seeing - actually the first guy I ever really liked since I left the jdubs dumped me. And why wouldn't he? I'm fabulous but I'm also a mess.

The thing is, I've gone through most of the past seven years like I'm fucking Uma in Kill Bill. I even bought the same sword. (Sidepoint: Swords are sharp, Don't play with them.) As I went on my vendetta against the JWs for what they did to me, I had to eventually realize that I have accountability here too.

I knew what I was doing when I broke the rules, and I also knew that breaking the rules is the only way to break free of them. My perfect little life there wasn't real. But it felt real. So when it was gone, I picked up my sword and went on the attack. And there's really no reason to. All of these new people who have come along, all of the new opportunities I've had - that's the real life. It's not some illusion of how everyone is always best friends and we're going to live forever.

We won't. I don't know what happens when we die, but I do know that we're gone. So we have to make the most of what we have now, appreciate every kindness and all the love we're shown. Because all of us are worthy of that. No matter how many mistakes we've made.

I let my guard down this year and decided to let someone in. Didn't work out, but unless we take that step, we're just going to end up alone. As much as I've told myself thousands of times over the past seven years that I don't need anyone...I do. We all need people.

I know I say this every New Years and it never seems to work out for me, I think this year will be better. I used to be such a dreamer but I'm pretty firmly rooted in reality now. Doesn't mean that I don't still watch the birds and imagine that some day I'll be that free. I'm almost there. Love is all that matters. If someone doesn't want to give you that, wish them well and move on. And wait for the people who will. Keep the sword close though, just in case. :)

Sullivan out.

Being Brave

Re-post! I thought this was relevant considering the fact that I am going to attempt to stay up all night on Friday for CAMH's One Brave Night event. Y'all know I have to work all week and then try to stay awake all night. We're raising money to support the organization that supports those living with mental health issues. A lot of brave people have dealt with depression and we can get better if we do the hard work to get there. But we need a little help along the way. :)

There's still time to donate - this is the link! Click click! Ps. If you do donate please buy me a sleep pass. For $20 I can sleep for an hour. :)

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. 
- E. M. Forster

Courage is a quality that is difficult to develop, because it forces you to look in the mirror and realize who you are and then have the balls to go out there and be better than that.

I know many courageous people. And being brave doesn't mean we always succeed. (Game of Thrones taught us all that fact.) Sometimes it just means we take on a task, not knowing if we'll be good at it or not. Not knowing the outcome. Maybe we even think we will fail. But we show up and try.

This happens in careers, in families, in relationships, in finding peace of mind, in overcoming addictions, in ending a relationship that's not working and being alone again, in confronting an important ex, in applying for a job you know you won't get, in pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and meeting someone new, in telling your family the truth about who you are, in telling someone you love them when you aren't sure they will say it back. In being true to yourself.

But we find courage and bravery in that part of ourselves that we didn't know we had and do it anyway.

If we were never brave, no one would make friends, become lovers, get married, have children, follow their dreams, because we could fail. Sometimes it's our mistakes that shape our future and, in the end, make us successful.

And hey, at the end of the day, if our attempt at being courageous doesn't work, we have a friend who will give us a hug, a dog who will sleep at our feet, and maybe even a glass of wine to sip as we look out the window of our fabulous but very expensive downtown apartment and think about how to wake up tomorrow and try to be brave all over again.

Sullivan out.