Look What I Found

"Somebody who loves me someone who cares. Another piece of my heart lying on the ground."

I was talking to a friend this morning. He asked how I was. I said I'd been running around, working a lot, and two of my best friends and two of their kids all have birthdays in a three week span. I told Jay yesterday maybe it was better to be in the cult because birthdays are a lot of work.

Jay has always been so overboard on the holidays with me. Perfect Christmas trees that we put up in November and take down in January. Perfect presents. He always said he felt so sad I didn't get to have holidays growing up. I didn't understand why he was sad. For me it was just par for the course. It took me a long time to catch up with even remembering when the holidays were.

My dad wasn't in the cult so he would give me birthday and Christmas presents. My mother would make me give them back. I was maybe 6?

Being there with my girlfriends kids and seeing pictures, there were presents and cake and candles and happiness. I finally understood why he felt bad for me.

I still don't really feel bad for myself. Because look at what I found. The best friends, the best guy. Real, not fake happiness.

Maybe it's time to let the old life die. :)

Sullivan out.

You Can't Hurry Love

"No, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take." 

I know, I never listen to Phil Collins but I started with Cher and it got all old school dad's music. Today I finally had a day off. My friend texted me and he's like god, I'm so sick. I should be at this protest. And I say don't worry, I got it. I didn't even know we were protesting today. But some "christian" group was doing an anti-gay protest and we were protesting them protesting.

What the eff? I know we've come a long way. As long as so called Christians are repressing us from being our authentic selves we have to keep fighting. And by fighting I mean cheering and dancing in the rain to Cher. Granted I may have been the only straight person on front street today. Maybe not. But no one cared. Everyone was there. The lipstick lesbians and the butch ones. The bears, the pretty boys, the drag queens.

Not usually a fan of politicians but our mayor gave a good speech and he said we couldn't stop the Christians from protesting. We could however, show we don't agree with their mentality. That Toronto is welcoming to everyone regardless of race, sex, religion or sexual orientation. That's the goal we are striving towards. But...you can't hurry love. I feel some compassion for them. I used to be in a place where anyone who didn't believe the same thing was a sinner and an outsider. It was a miserable place to be. I know for a fact a lot of people following those rules still miss me.

There was literally one cop on our side of the fence. We are not violent or aggressive but we will keep fighting until all of us are equal. I believe that day will come, where the hurting stops and love will win. :)

Sullivan out.

Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.