Hey Soul Sister!

I woke up at 3 am and went to the kitchen. I thought I'd get a bowl of rice and a glass of water. Oh the perks of living in sin with an Asian, there's always fresh rice.

Jay: Bad dreams?
Me: Is there any other kind?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I guess she's 41 now. The days are long but the years are short. I don't really think about my family. Both my therapists are not fans, they think of them more like an infected limb I should cut off and be done with it before it spreads all through me. Does that hurt? Don't do it. 

They are probably right. But my sister. We've been through a lot together. A lot of her problems, she was never around for mine. I was always there for her though. I haven't seen her or my mother in over three years. Since she invited me and then uninvited me to her wedding. One of the biggest traumas in my life, I have to admit. When she gave me the invitation I said, are you sure? She said of course, you're my sister. Then the elders got involved and even though I'd bought a dress, wrote a card, had the wedding present, I wasn't allowed to go.

My family came to Toronto and drove by my place on their way to the wedding. I was sitting on the window in my pjs smoking. Yah, I used to smoke. They honked and waved like it was any other day of the week. I went out and drank until I didn't have any more feelings.

That was a long time ago now and I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Not by blood but out of love. I understand why my therapists and everyone else wants me to stay away from my family. The blood ties though are strong and pull at you every once in awhile. These people are pretty much strangers to me at this point but I still miss them. And wherever my sister is, I hope she's happier than I was in that life and wish her all the best.

Sullivan out.

Beautiful Trauma

The older you get the more you realize that your problems are not worse than anyone else's, just different. My guy always says "First World Problems, Margaux". He didn't exactly grow up here so he gets to say that.

I can't help but wonder though, can two broken people make one whole amazing person if they are together? Because we've all got our demons. I'm throwing the question out there but here's what I think: yes and no. We need to keep working on ourselves. Every day. If it's a bad day, go to bed and start over again tomorrow. Tomorrow is always new with no mistakes in it.

I don't believe though we're meant to go it alone in life. Whether it's a romantic partner, a best friend, a mentor or family, we need someone to be the mirror back to us. Because what we see in the mirror is not always accurate. Unless you're a millenial, it's probably self-defeating sometimes what you see when you look at yourself. (No hate for millenials but they think they are the shit.)

I'm a late bloomer. Took me a long time to realize the type of people I needed around me. I tried to go it alone for a long time because I couldn't figure it out. Then...I found people as perfectly imperfect as I was. Jay is my real mirror, him and my best girlfriends. We're honest with each other, we keep trying to improve and we make each other better. Together? I think we can be amazing and make something beautiful out of the ashes of our pasts. :)

Sullivan out.

I love you like XO

Here's your Saturday morning song.

In the darkest night I'll search through the crowd. Your face is all that I see, I'll give you everything. I love you like XO.   - John Mayer

John Mayer is an asshole but he's right. We don't have forever. This blog might not be the greatest because I've been up all night. #CAMH #OneBraveNight

I've spent the last seven years chasing for, crying over lost love from people I wanted to keep. Maybe though, love shouldn't be this hard. My best friend says that it should be organic. Let it grow. That's what happened with the two of us. We don't always get along but we always stay together.

Daylight is wasting. It's time to get real. There has been a few health issues in my family lately and honestly, I haven't been on my game because I've been so stressed about that. I realized something. We need to focus on the people who love us back, not the ones who don't. The ones who are there for us no matter what. Unconditional love is rare in our day. But since I left the Jdubs, I've been finding it everywhere.

Last night was about supporting people who suffer from mental health issues. I've been there and maybe I will be again. At the moment though, I have a dog I didn't want, a bunch of friends I never would have picked in my past life and a family who I didn't pay much attention to when I was in the cult.

And I couldn't be happier that they are the ones who saved me.

I love you like XO. :)

Sullivan out.