Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

Murmurations by Margaux

Murmuration. Have you heard that word before? It means a flock of birds that fly in formation and create amazing shapes in the sky. If you have a couple of minutes, click the picture below and watch the video. It's amazing. 

I have to say that besides a couple of old, lifelong friends who have made the same choice I have to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, I've stayed out of the ex-JW community for the most part. 

Sure, when I was first "out" I checked out some of the websites. I was afraid though of getting pulled into negativity and I really just wanted to heal and move on. I believe some of those sites are very helpful to those who are looking for an outlet to express their pain, their disappointments, their sadness. I chose to express my feelings through this blog instead. Maybe the idea of speaking to anonymous readers was easier for me, maybe I wasn't ready to let anyone in again just yet. 

The experience I've been through over the past month though of being so publicly "out there" with my story has been both healing and empowering. The outpouring of support I've received from perfect strangers within the community that decided to leave the only community we've ever known, is almost overwhelming. 

Of course, you always get the haters. One woman commented online that she didn't feel like it was a story of growth and development so much as a "one sided sob story meant to incite hate". If she ever read this blog, she would see that as much as I am committed to exposing the truth about the Witnesses, hopefully to help others not go down the same road I did in life and end up regretting years and years dedicated to a cause they no longer believe in and that I truly feel ruins many people's lives and happiness, I do not hate. I say over and over and over I love most of those people and wish them well. It's the organization that controls them that I am not happy with. 

Unless you've been through it, grown up indoctrinated by a cult that controls your every action, you just don't get it. When I read the comments and messages from readers of that article, I can tell right away who has been raised JW and who has no idea what we've gone through. 

Then, of course, there's the "affair". I understand y'all hating on me for that. All I can say is that unless we've been in someone else's situation, you don't know what happens behind closed doors. I'm not proud of that. It's easy to say I should have just left before that happened but there is NO WAY to get out of the JWs or a JW marriage. It's like Hotel California. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. I was depressed, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, obviously my thought process was skewed. Will I always regret it? Yes. But I can't change it. It is what it is. 

At the end of the day, whatever I've done wrong, whatever mistakes I've made, I was obviously terribly unhappy. Happy people don't throw an entire life: their marriage, every friend they ever had, their family away for no reason. 

And now? I am happy and I know I'm not alone. Being part of this community of ex-JWs I can see that we all experience similar things in different ways: post traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, bad dreams. A lot of my closest friends are gay and their coming out has often meant the same kind of challenges and losses. 

If you're around my age, our grandparents fought in the last huge war. They experienced trauma and loss so we could live in a world where we have freedom. Freedom of religion, of thought, of expression, of speech. 

Whatever we're currently dealing with, don't forget - that freedom is ours to embrace. Let's fly together and in formation like the birds and create something beautiful together. 

Sullivan out. 

Year of the Snake

*Alternate title: I love you too Jenny!!!*

Ok, I know according to the Chinese zodiac it's actually year of the horse. Last year however, was year of the snake. That was supposed to be MY year. (Apparently, even though it's one of the only phobias I have, I am a snake.)

I was a wee bit disappointed to find out that was not the case. 2013? Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I forgot something though. Snakes need to shed their skin. Native Americans believe this is associated with rebirth. 

So here we are, and I'm fairly certain that this time, it's Year of the Margaux. The past few years have not been easy, but y'all have been on that journey with me. And here we are. I'm almost done my program at school. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Last night, I was home sick, and my friend who works at the bar downstairs actually came upstairs and brought me the dinner he made for me. I have plans to meet up with my ex's mom on the weekend so she can bring me the legwarmers she knitted for me before she goes on vacation. The way the weather has been in Toronto, we all could use a pair of those. 

I was Skype-ing with my secret life friend tonight, I talked to two of my girlfriends/sisters I've had my entire life who also decided to leave the j-dubs. We just get each other in a way no one else does. My mom and sister have decided to let me back in, so in whatever capacity it is, I pretty much have a whole family again. 

The best part? This has all come about in spite of the fact that I decided to stay true to myself. This is one of the most difficult things for all of us to do, and a lot of us get part way down that road less traveled and give up because it's too dark, too difficult. Don't do that. The light at the end makes it worth the journey. Right now, I'm not lying, I'm the happiest version of myself that I ever would have dreamed was possible. 

I'm grateful for my job, where I live, all the ex-boyfriends who know my psycho story and still make time to be my friend, even if they have new girlfriends. I've been working a bit harder on my writing aspirations, and then this happened:

 

You may or may not know who she is, but Jenny Lawson is who I want to be when I grow up. I'm pretty honest on here, but she's even more honest than me and I envy how much she gets away with saying "fuck". She's a blogger, turned best selling author, millions of people read her every month. And she's following ME on twitter. My other writing related side project hasn't even been in print yet but I'm on my way, I can feel it.

Sometimes it feels like life just keeps kicking the shit out of you, over and over again, and it will never end. When that happens, and you want to give up so, so badly, you pretty much have no choice other than to channel Bruce Willis in Die Hard and find some kind of fun in somehow, someway, making things better. Yippee Ki-Yay! 

I think I've shed my skin. Welcome to the future. It looks bright.

Sullivan out.