Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.

It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business. 

About a Boy

How long have I known Jay? Who knows at this point. Five, six years? Maybe seven. My new life hasn't been longer than nine so he's been around for a lot of it. We're friends, we date, we break up, we're friends again. The only thing I know for sure is we never leave whatever this is.

As y'all know I haven't had the easiest time adapting to life on the outside. Jay is the one person who always saw through whatever I was going through and could see the real me. Not that he ever knew me in my past life, he got the other version of Margaux. But to him, that version was still smart, funny, beautiful and worth loving. He didn't take my crap though. That's why we kept breaking up. He's not like me. He doesn't have some profound need to be liked that makes him put up with bad behaviour from other people. He sticks up for himself. He sticks up for me.

I'm learning slowly that the only way to love someone else is to love yourself first. I've had a lot of boyfriends. And I don't think I ever realized that I deserved to be treated well. That I shouldn't put up with being male dominated, put down or lied to or cheated on. None of us do.

So at times, I've been a very bad girlfriend to him. We were younger then. We partied too much. Didn't sleep enough. Fought too much. But there were good times. He forced me to love Game of Thrones and implemented "no pants Sundays". He could iron chef something awesome from nothing in the cupboard.

Then we started to grow up and things started getting real. My cat died and I had a puppy dumped on me. I got sick for quite some time. I went home indefinitely. Jay would send me care packages with new clothes. He'd visit me every day I was in the hospital. Text me in the morning and ask what I wanted to eat because I'm picky and he knew I wouldn't eat hospital food. When one of my best friends was dying he'd drive me to the hospital and wait outside.

He supports all my stupid ideas like coming home randomly with new animals and doing an MBA while I work. Anytime he's off work and it's a nice day he takes us to the beach because that's my favorite place. He's been there for my siblings and my girlfriends and makes sure my dog is taken care of. (Max loves him to death but he's still mommy's boy.)

I guess all I really want to say is, we don't always understand where big love comes from. I worked on Bay Street for years. All those flashy guys in suits with their expensive cufflinks and even more expensive cars. The guys you'd meet in the cool bars who all had their wedding rings in their pockets so they could pick up girls.

Real love is every. fucking. day. Good times and bad. Pretty or ugly. Money in the pocket or broke as hell. Nice vacations and then the years you can't afford to take a vacation. Shopping at your favorite store one day, dollarama the next. Sacrificing for the family. Before him, I didn't know what it was like to have someone accept you unconditionally. Flaws, imperfections, bad habits. All the things you try to hide. Guess I'm just really lucky I got so many chances to get this right. :)

Sullivan out.

It's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.

I have ruined my boyfriend. We're addicted to the new Anne of Green Gables show. Last night we were up until 3:30 am. We never do that. We weren't partying, drinking. It was just every time an episode ended we looked at each other and were like "one more?".

Fucking Nexflix. The critics were right. This is not your typical Anne. (Y'all will only know what I'm talking about if you're from PEI.) It's dark. But I like it. Everyone has a past. It's kind of romantic if you put it in the right light. Which means, maybe we cry. Maybe we have flashbacks and nightmares. And maybe we run away sometimes. 

I think it makes him feel better to know all girls from PEI are slightly unique. I mean that in a good way. Doesn't affliction and hard work build character?

In the beginning I thought he was just trying to appease me. Then I saw that he loved this show as much as me. Of course he's heard all the stories. PEI is a special place to grow up. I feel grateful to have had a childhood with acres of trees to hide under while I read my books and wrote my stories. 

At the end of the day, I've always been an introvert. I pretended not to be for a long time. I finally feel like it doesn't matter anymore. 

My dad has always said you can count the number of real friends you have in life on one hand. That's more than enough for me. The introvert-fake extrovert never really cared to have so many pretend friends as desperately as I wanted to be liked.

There are a precious few people I would take a bullet for. Before I would do it for anyone. People got used to that. Call Margaux. She'll show up and take care of whatever you need. I'm slowly slowly learning to say no. To the people who wouldn't do that for me.

We need to give back, I believe in that 100%. Bring what you have to the world and my good friend the Universe always makes sure I have what I need. I can honestly say, I have never been happier in my life than I am in this moment. I feel like I'm surrounded in love. Not from everyone but that's an impossible target. I go to bed at night with a dog who makes me smile and a guy who has been my most loyal supporter and I have a best friend who is a kindred spirit.

Girls like me, don't always get a second chance. I did. I'm lucky and I'm gonna run with it. I miss home though. Take me home country roads... :)

With or Without You

I can't live with or without you. - U2

Last night was Nuit Blanche, so like everyone in Toronto, we were wandering around at 4:30 am with my dog looking at bad art. Nuit Blanche used to be cool, before the hipsters ruined it. They are the worst. That's why I stay east end instead of west end now. West end is full of damn hipsters.

So we're talking about love last night. I've been in love enough times. I think my dance card is full. And this is probably the last time for me. But you never know. I've dated a lot. Like a lot a lot. And I can truthfully say I've only been in love five times. That's a pretty good number in 20 years, I've been lucky. I don't know really how love works but I rate that number on how many times I've cried over someone for longer than a day or two.

There was the first love of course. They say the first cut is the deepest and that one hurt. But not the worst. After him came my husband. That one hurt more. Then came the guy I left my husband for. That one was very, very bad. Probably more because of all the things I gave up for him than being about him. After that, came that guy who used to be my boss.

I was talking to my mentor the other day about the current guy and he said he thought it was a good thing. I said, well you thought the last one was a good thing. He just said, I knew you loved him. And I really did. Said mentor and his wife have been together forever. Raised a family, pursued careers, traveled. They still love each other after all that time. Although I envy that, apparently the Universe didn't think that was my path in life.

Back to last night. We're talking about love. And he says that it really doesn't mean that much when someone says "I love you". (Effing psych degree over there.) But I thought about it, and he's right. All the men I've loved have been completely different. I really did love each of them. I said those three words. They were there at different times in my life, when I needed them to guide me somewhere. I don't regret any of it. At the time, I couldn't live without them. He said what would mean more would be if someone said: I can't imagine my life without you.

I can't imagine my life without him. At least not at the moment. Sidepoint: I couldn't love anyone who didn't love my dog as much as he does. 

It's scary to love again after you've done it and been disappointed with the outcome. I've realized there is no "the one" for some of us. There's the one who is supposed to be there in the here and now. The difference with him from all the others is that he loves me just the way I am. I don't have to be anyone I'm not, look a certain way. He's been there for me through countless terrible situations. He just holds my hand and says "we've got this" every time. And somehow it always works out.

The most significant, important love of our life is figuring out how to love ourselves. If you find someone who loves the you that you love, well that's just icing on the cake. Nothing makes me happier than coming home and seeing those stupid boots he wears year round in my entrance way. I can't imagine my life without you JJ. :)

Sullivan out.

Mother's Day 2017

I’ve always kept a diary. Well, until I started writing a blog. As long as I can write, get it out, I’m good.

I love my mother, I always will. We are so different though and we never really connected. I’m too much like my dad. I don’t think like her, I don’t look like her. I’m all Sullivan. She makes me miserable and I don’t understand fully what I did to deserve all that hate. When I left the cult, I put a nail in the coffin of that relationship.

Fortunately for me, I had a back up. When my dad remarried, I wasn’t happy about it. I was a kid who wanted her parents together. I went through my old journals and at somewhere around 8 years old I wrote “ Today Dad is marrying Helena. I guess I just want him to be happy.” Pretty deep for an 8 year old, I think. :)

And she has made him happy. For decades now. She is the loving and supportive wife my dad never had with my mom. She makes me happy too. Helena, who is now Mom to me, fits into the family like she was always there.  And she has been there way longer than she wasn’t.

She gave all of us a gift in Matthew, the only sibling I have who still talks to me. He’s become a wonderful man and I love him dearly.

Mom and I, we’re both aspiring writers. I’m more serious when I write, she puts fun into everything. She loves to make people laugh and she takes the darkest situations and turns them into something we can cry laughing about. That’s a talent I wish I had!

She’s my support, my friend and the mother I never had. She can anticipate what I want before I want it and she ALWAYS puts everyone else before herself. She’s a dedicated, caring daughter, a loving and loyal wife, a mother who fiercely protects her children as much as is possible. She’s the most fun grandma I know. (Except you Grandma - I think you're the most awesome Grandma to me.) Helena's not my grandma she's my mom so a little disclaimer there!

She's definitely beautiful inside and out. A blessing to our family in every way. And her spaghetti isn’t bad either : )

I love you mom. I’m grateful that I can talk to you about books, about writing, about boys, about work,  about pretty much everything I need to talk about. I’m grateful that you put up with me. I’m grateful you drag me to church once or twice a year.  I’m grateful that you never give up on any of us. I’m grateful for the joy you bring to our lives. I’m grateful for you. Happy Mother's Day. 

Sullivan out.

Why is a Raven like a Writing Desk?

I've had that quote from Alice in Wonderland stuck in my head all week. Ever since Jay decided I needed a writing desk. Apparently the reason I'm stuck somewhere between writers block and hating the whole half book I've written so far is because I didn't have a proper desk.

I'm not a raven, I'm a blackbird, but close enough. As usual, Jay solved that problem.

You know what the challenge is with writing a book? On a blog, it's real time. However I feel today, that's what I can write about. Short and sweet. Get it out of my head and move on.

A book is complicated. If I go back to the beginning. I guess I could start somewhere in the middle, but nothing would make any sense.

I thought I was living a dual life and I honestly didn't know which side was the real me. Was I a saint or a sinner? I've been both. I've been loyal and I've betrayed. I can turn on a country song and feel an ache in my heart for home. I'm also a certified city girl. I love my hippie dresses and my Kate Spade purses equally.

The people I love now, they're just as imperfect as I am. I don't care anymore about religious sides in this silly war. I don't care if you're happily married or happily living in sin. Straight or gay or undecided. All I care is that you're happy. After a lifetime of judging people and trying to convert them, finding this truth makes me very, very happy.

That's why I still think I should tell my story. So people know there's an afterlife in this life. There's a happy way out, even if you have to go through hell to get there. I won't lie. It is HELL. But it's worth it. The JWs are wrong. Paradise is the here and now. It's messy and not all that easy sometimes, but it's better than spending a whole life believing in fairy tales. We make our happiness in this life.

So I promise to put this desk to good use. It actually makes me feel inspired. I'll dust off the book and see what happens.

And if you're going to go to bed wondering why the raven is like a writing desk? Google it. While you listen to some country music. There's room in us for all the different parts that make us up. That makes us something beautiful.

Sullivan out.

Merry Christmas or Bust

Lindsay: How about a wee Christmas blog?

Me: No way. That would just depress everyone, me included.

But it seems I cannot be stopped.

2016 has not been a stellar year. This was actually one of the worst years I've ever had. I think we all know though that it wasn't just me who ran into some really big roadblocks. A lot of people have been struggling to keep their head above water, hanging on for that magical day when we wake up and it's 2017.

Helen Mirren famously said: "At this time of celebration and togetherness, we have a chance to reflect on the year gone by. And I think we can all agree that 2016 has been a big pile of shit."

We've lost some legends: David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, George Michael. Last Christmas they were all still with us. The economy has been bad. It seems like every time you turn around someone else has cancer. Donald Trump is President elect of the United States. It could be a good time to lose hope altogether, pull the blankets over our heads and pretend the storm howling around us isn't there at all. Or...

...we could not give up. Not stop believing that everything is always new in a new year and that we can have a fresh start. It's not just a new year that gives us that chance. It's every single day when we wake up in the morning. Tomorrow is always new, with no mistakes in it. :)

Doesn't mean we won't make a few mistakes before we've even finished our morning coffee, or that we won't get a phone call with some bad news before we even leave for work. I know it's cliche to say that it's not our circumstances that define our happiness in life, it's our attitude. But cliches are cliches for a reason. And the older we get, the more we realize that is true.

As I look back on 2016, one of the biggest blessings I've received is realizing just how much the people in my life care about me. How lucky I am to have those that have stood by my side when I was afraid or sad or anxious. I have amazing friends.

How lucky I am to be home this Christmas with my family. To go to church with them on Christmas Eve (don't get me wrong, I'm never going back to church for real but the service was lovely), to wake up with them this morning, to have people to say "I love you" to before I go to bed.

We all have a choice on how we will look back on this past year. I'm not saying that a lot of us don't have good reasons to be glad to see it go and hope beyond hope that next year will be oh-so-much better. For us and for those we care for. But if we think really hard, I'm sure we can all come up with a pretty good list of things to be grateful for, leave this year in the past and be merry with our family and friends. At the end of the day, who knows if we'll still be here next Christmas? We can, however, thank the Universe we made it through to see this one.

Merry Christmas. I wish you all peace, love and laughter during the holidays. Remember: 2017 is only 7 days away! :)

Sullivan out.

Christmas Cockroach

Me: So my doctor gave me a clean bill of health (only relevant because in September I almost died)

My brother: That is fantastic, it's a miracle!

Me: I'm like a cockroach I can't be killed.

My brother: Oh yah, and people are trying to fumigate you. Jesus, this got morbid quick.

It's true. You can cut the head off a cockroach and they won't die, those crazy motherfuckers.

You know, it's funny. They talk all the talk about positivity, which I have always tried to send out to everyone who reads this blog. Apparently your attitude can make such a huge difference when it comes down to those situations where you may or may not die.

I stopped blogging because I wasn't willing to do that anymore. I honestly didn't care. If I lived, if I died, whatever. I had two friends who knew about it and against my wishes they contacted everyone else. Before I knew it, my hospital room was filled with flowers and I had so many visitors I just wished they would all leave.

I didn't call anyone that I wanted to say goodbye to when the doctors said there was a 90% chance I would die there. I honestly just didn't care.

But then things started changing. My last boss, he would come over every second day. Bring his lunch and sit next to my hospital bed and talk with me on his break before he went back to work. I didn't even work there anymore.

My ex-boyfriend would bring me food every day cause y'all know I'm a picky eater and hospital food sucks. He even brought my dog to see me because I was so sad I couldn't see him.

My friends in the dog park could tell I wasn't well when I got home and they'd take Max out for fun playdates in the country or at the beach. They invited me over for dinner tonight and we just talked and laughed and watched our dogs play like none of this ever happened.

But it did.

I re-learned a lesson I've learned so many times but keep forgetting. It's taken me months to process everything that happened. There were a few people noticeably absent. My mother, my sister. The guy I was seeing at the time. People who for whatever reason chose not to show up.

I can spend the rest of my life fixated on a few people who didn't love me enough. Or, I can realize that family is what you make of it. I have mothers and sisters and brothers who will never share my blood. But they share my life. They still want me around. And as much as I kind of have a beef with the Universe right now, apparently she's not done with me yet either.

At the end of day, I'm a nobody. Just a little, temporary speck in the Universe. The same Universe that keeps showing me over and over that I am blessed to have what I have. The people who choose to love me despite all my imperfections. All my mistakes. The friends who have got me through the past seven years and showed me what it's like to finally find unconditional love. The ones who hug me when I cry.

It's out there waiting for all of us. Jehovah's Witnesses? They're the ones who cut our heads off. Leave us bloodied and bleeding and untrusting of anyone who says they love us. The real world is full of loving, accepting, kind individuals who won't let us almost die alone, even if we want to.

It's December, Christmas is coming. Be happy. Be a cockroach. We're immortal :)

Sullivan out.

The Happiness Project

"If you want to be happy, be." - Tolstoy

After my most recent brush with death, I haven't spent very much time trying to figure life out. It's strange, I think a lot of times, people who go through that have these great epiphanies. "Oh now I know what I want, what was missing, where to channel my energy in life." Not me. And I used to be a great romantic. Maybe I've just almost died too many times. 

I walked out of the hospital, went home to bed and cursed the entire time I was in recovery. Not on the outside. When my family (who worries about me) calls, I'm "great". My girlfriend kept asking me "How do you stay so happy and positive? I'd be going mental." Truth be told, I kinda was. But I manned up. I was diligent about healthy food and taking my meds on time and going to all my doctor's appointments, even when there were four or five of them in a week. I worked so hard to get better, even when I wasn't sure that's what I wanted. I don't even write anymore. 

I've gradually re-introduced myself to real life and there's one thing I've noticed. People in general are just not happy. I was talking to a kid today (like a 20-something) and asked him why did he think our generation is so messed up? My friends are smart, successful, stable, good-looking. Why aren't they happy? He said he thought the world has always been like this, but now there's more awareness. More effort to break the stigmas around mental health and allow people to be honest and get the help they need. That's the answer you'd expect from someone young and optimistic. 

Y'all know I've been through a couple of bad depressions. This time though, I didn't go back there. Maybe I was just in survival mode. Maybe I've done such a good job on my positivity campaign that I've even fooled myself into thinking that I'm happy. 

I had lunch with my girlfriend today and she said: "But Margaux, you don't have any problems!" Okay buddy. I have news for you. I've had some bad years. Every year I think things will get better but they don't. 2016? Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I got very, very sick. I don't have a job. I dated two guys in the past year, really liked both of them. I hate online dating but I met them both in real life. Everything was great, until out of the blue they each dumped me for no reason they cared to share. If I don't find a job soon I'll probably have to pack up my dog and either be homeless or move back to the Maritimes. It's scary some days. 

I think the trap of the idea of "happiness" is just that we think we all deserve it. And we deserve to feel it ALL the time. Of course, if I could wave a wand and make everyone in the world happy, I would. But that's not the world we live in. Even if you get that job you really want, or the guy you want to marry, the kids, the financial stability, the health...every day it's still going to be up to you to get up and decide if you're happy or not. It's really not our circumstances, it's our mindset. I'm not trying to downplay depression and anxiety, I know all too well that they can be consuming. I still have old JW-life nightmares when I wake up scared and confused and I don't remember what happened to half my family, to my husband. After a few minutes it comes back and I realize this is my life now. I have to get out of bed regardless. 

If I had to go back, I'd make most of the same decisions all over again, with a few tweaks. Knowing you're doing your best and being true to yourself - that's a big part of the Happiness Project. We all need to work at it. But if you do it long enough, it doesn't really seem to be so much work. :)

Here's something that makes me happy: pink hair. If I wasn't afraid I might actually get called for an interview one of these days, I'd keep it. Find whatever it is that makes you happy. When things are good, smile all day. It won't make the bad days go away, but it will give you something to draw on to get you through to tomorrow. 

Sullivan out. 

Odd & Imperfect

"I always find beauty in things that are odd and imperfect - they are much more interesting." - Marc Jacobs

I have this book on the go. My non jdub family has always been so Team Margaux. I asked my therapist yesterday what do they want from me in return for all their kindness? What does he want from me? He's been there through all these bad years. First, he slashed his prices in half. Then I ran out of money and he treated me for free. He said he was just one of those guys who stands next to a marathon and gives out cups of water. He helps, but he has no power over the outcome of the race. If we finish it our not.

I asked my cousin about the book, what I should do with it. She said maybe I should wait until I know how it ends. This is how it ends. (Please still buy the book even though I've giving the ending away).

I never could have imagined that a life of sacrifice and devotion to God would have ended up like mine did. Unfortunately there are forces out there that - as much as we try to fight against them - will always win. They have the money, the influence, the power. The JWs will always beat me. It doesn't mean I shouldn't go down fighting. :)

The truth is, this is how this story ends. All the odd and imperfect people out there understand me better than anyone did in that life where we all had to pretend we were perfect all the time. We can be honest. We can be straight or gay. We can be imperfect. We can live in a world where people don't expect you to pay them back for what they did for you as long as you're kind and you pay it forward.

Will I ever meet a guy who will look over my past and think I'm worth investing in despite that? Who knows. But I have reconnected with so many people that in that past life, I couldn't have been friends with. Because I had to judge their lifestyles. My happy ending is, I get to not be that person anymore. I went out with my cousins the other night and honestly, there is something about family that just makes you fall in love immediately even if you haven't seen them in a really long time.

I'd pick odd and imperfect any day over fake perfection. So this story is over. If you want to be part of the sequel, let me know. :)

Sullivan out.

Happiness Is...

A trap. An illusion. A reality. A certainty. It can be all of those things, depending on one thing and one thing only - us.

It's the plot line to every great book, every Oscar winning movie. Overcoming our barriers in life and finding whatever our personal version of success and happiness is. Okay, okay sometimes the Oscars only like those movies where everyone is miserable and dies at the end. But you get my point.

It's the end of January. It's cold and grey. It seems as though a lot of people are getting the winter blues. Grey is slowly becoming one of my favorite colors. In an effort to fight out against the cold, the wind, the miserable people, the grey...I've been trying to focus on what makes me happy.

So many times it's the big things. Things like work, family, friends, social life, romantic relationships. I won't lie, those things do make me happy. But I've had another *yes another* shitty couple of weeks. I was walking to work and there was a thin layer of snow on the ground. I didn't see a patch of ice and I slipped and fell. Hobbled around like an old lady for a week. My back finally started feeling better but then I caught some crazy cold/flu virus and couldn't even get out of bed for two days.

Time for a pity party right? Not this time. Those grounding influences I mentioned are so valued. In the day to day though, especially if we're on our own, we need to look for those little things that can make a whole day shine. I do a gratitude list every morning and I don't exclude the little things.

For instance:

- I'm so lucky to have really big windows. I wake up every morning and can sit and meditate on the floor while I watch the sun rise. It's the perfect start to the day.
- I work close enough to home that I can walk back and forth instead of commuting.
- Watching my dog play in the park every day and having him to sleep next to me every night.
- Today I received a letter in the mail from a very dear friend. Who writes letters in a world of wifi and text messaging and email? Kindred spirits.
- Yoga (enough said)
- My ex boyfriend bought me a lily one year when he felt bad that on mother's day I had nowhere to go. I've always had a lily since then.
- Books. I just finished a book about a girl who went from abuse to self-hate to self-love and I love those writers who just tell the simple truth and reassure us we're not alone, and we're going to land on our feet.

Yeah, that light dusting of snow that hid the ice gave me a bad week. But the snow was pretty :)

Happiness isn't complicated. And it's not eternal. No matter how much we have or how much we lose, we won't always feel happy. We can however, relish those moments, tuck them away in our hearts and draw on them when things aren't the best. Little pieces of sunshine for those cold, blustery January days.

If you'd like to share what little things make you happy, please leave a comment. Stay warm.

Sullivan out.

Begin Again :)

"Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." - Anne of Green Gables

Y'all know that I didn't have a great 2015. I was going to call this blog "My horrible, terrible, very bad year". Then I thought that might be inviting him back to a party he has already been kicked out of. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 2015.

Honestly though, this past year I gave up again. This is what I decided to do differently: I let my tribe help me. I don't know if it's my own pride, or coming from a place where I was the strong one who helped everyone else, but this wasn't easy for me. Being the weak one, the vulnerable one, the one who was just so sad she couldn't get her shit together. And finally stopped lying to everyone about how "fine" she was.

Do you know what this taught me? If you're a good person and you genuinely care for others and do your best, you don't have to be ashamed of not being perfect. There are (gasp!) people out there who will love you anyway. They may not be the people you expected would be there for you. The ones you showed kindness to and who saw the sacrifices you made for others. They're just good people, paying it forward, the same way you did. That, my friends is the beauty of karma.

I guess 2015 wasn't all bad. I learned a couple of valuable lessons that will stay with me into this new year and the next and the next. I learned some more humility, I learned to trust that the Universe will not desert me. I learned that the biggest thing I need to work on is to try and love myself. Be patient and kind to me. I would never talk to any of my friends the way I do to myself, in my head.

It's almost silly this whole New Years thing. To think we can go to bed on December 31st and wake up the next day and think things will be different. They won't. Unless we change them. I'm on board with having a clean slate to work with though. :)

Like everyone else, I wrote up my list of New Years resolutions. All the things I'm going to be oh-so-much better at this year than last. But the most important thing about that list? If I don't make all of it happen this year, I'll just put it on next years. I'm a work in progress. :)

It's important to constantly work on improving ourselves, our relationships, our habits, our lifestyle. But just because the day is fresh, doesn't mean I won't make mistakes. I made a hell of a lot of them this year. I was lucky to have good, solid people behind me who held my hand, guided me and sometimes just pushed me through. If they believe in me enough to take those chances, I should at least return the favour by doing a little believing myself. There's too many of you to mention, but you know who you are. I love all of you more than I can express.

Look around. Find your tribe, your people. I guarantee you they are there. And then let's all just start this new year with gratitude, with love, with kindness. For those around us and also...for ourselves. It's never too late to start over and to begin again.

Happy New Year!

Sullivan out.

Hot Mess

Thank you everyone who commented on my last post. Y'all are the most awesome readers a girl could ask for. 

I'm happy to report I am finally, after so many weeks, feeling better and able to leave the house - not just for doctors appointments. I've missed having Cat around, she was always good company when I was not well. My girlfriend decided to loan me her dog this week while she's at work. Being a dog walker wasn't really in my career plan, but for now, it gets me out of the house a little bit every day and I'm finally, more than halfway through July and summer, starting to get a little color and feel a bit more alive. Animals really bring so much joy and comfort into our lives. At the end of the day, they give us so much more than we give them and their love is unconditional. 

Unconditional love. Quite the idea, isn't it? That no matter what we do, how many times we mess up, that love is always there for us to lean on. I'll be the first to admit I am one of the most imperfect people out there. I bet we all feel like that at times. 

I know it's an uphill battle for so many of my friends who have been through the same or similar experiences as I have. Being cast off by friends and family for choosing a path they don't agree with is traumatizing. 

It's funny, I've been seeing doctors all the time since I've been off work, but I decided I should make an appointment with a different doctor I haven't seen in awhile. He's very good, very expensive. I went to his website to look up his email address and I noticed he'd added something new to the list of issues he works on with his clients. Religious Trauma Syndrome. It's actually #2 on his list now. Well, I'm happy I was able to help build that into his experience. And a little bit surprised there's actually a name for it. I looked it up, it's a real thing. 

I've been following a lot of ex-JW chats and websites since Rosemary wrote my story for Canadian Living. I understand the hurt, pain, depression, anxiety that they all feel. Anger towards the Watchtower. I can't say I can tell any of you with any certainty that we will all ever completely get over that. I know I'm still a hot mess. But we can get close :)

Did I ever tell you that my favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip? (I do have a point and I will get there...) There's never enough chocolate chips. Yes, the mint ice cream is good but the chocolate bits make it so much more special. 

The happiness trap that I think we get stuck in is not appreciating "good" as being "good enough" and always longing for the special something. If everything were special, the word would not have any meaning at all. 

If we decide to stay stuck in the past, mourning the people we've lost, we don't have enough room in our hearts to truly love and appreciate the new ones who come along. We might not even notice them. If we decide to hold grudges against our families who may have shunned us but have come around now, we're the ones building fences around us to keep them out, the ones who are not able to show the unconditional love and forgiveness we so desperately wanted. 

You know, if you pick all the chocolate chips out of the tub of ice cream, next time you open it you'll be disappointed that you were so greedy. Maybe we need to realize that "good" really is good enough. The special stuff comes and goes and it should be that way. 

Just so y'all don't think I'm turning into a total softy here, I will criticize this article on jw.org (link embedded in the quote). 

Those who were baptized as Jehovah’s Witnesses but no longer preach to others, perhaps even drifting away from association with fellow believers, are not shunned.

Ok, "not shunned" here is open to interpretation. It's quite a misleading statement actually. Because outside of immediate family (if you're very lucky), maybe they don't put their heads down and walk past you on the street like you don't exist, but they still "shun". You're not alive, you're not included in their lives. You may have been friends for a lifetime, but they don't check in. I run into old acquaintances sometimes, and they don't even remember who I am. Old friends cut you off. It's still shunning. 

jw.org is probably trying to soften their bad reputation. It's a different world out there than it was before the internet, people who got disfellowshipped then were alone. Now they build communities. And they are putting their stories out there. 

I was sure, positive that they would come after me for having succeeded in getting my story told to millions of people. I work in marketing and I know how big corporations monitor the PR about them that gets out there every day. I believe I got away with it because they don't want a follow-up article published describing how they disfellowshipped me again for simply telling the truth.

I've been feeling so bad for so long, the past couple of days, I'm just so happy to feel "good". I hope some of that special stuff comes my way too, but for now, this is awesome. I have a freezer full of ice cream and a puppy to hang out with during the day. Great friends and the peace of mind that comes with doing what I know was the right thing. Religious Trauma or any other trauma we've been through can be conquered by working on our thoughts, our outlook, our appreciation of all the great things in our lives. No matter what anyone else tells you, there is more than one way to be happy. And we're all a hot mess at some point or another in our lives, so don't be too hard on yourself. Eat some ice cream. :)

Sullivan out.

After the Rain

"The nice thing about rain is that it always stops. Eventually." - Eeyore

I have some important things to say today, but first of all, let's clear something up. 

These comments I'm getting on my blog "I'm awesome at dating and other lies..." - just to be clear, I did NOT have a threesome. I'm really not the type. The blog was meant to be a funny comedy of errors that turned what was meant to be a low-key, romantic evening into a disaster date. It ends with a friend showing up to crash on the couch (ie. not romantic) but when I said we all woke up together in the morning what I meant was in my tiny apartment. Not in the same bed. Get your minds out of the gutter people!

I'm glad we cleared that up. :)

So you know how I told you I'm speaking on a panel for an event at work for Mental Health Week. I had a meeting with the colleague who's running it today about the whole thing. There's three of us, apparently they get over 100 people who show up to listen to our sad stories. 

She had printed me out a list of questions to think about while planning what I was going to share. How has mental illness affected your life? Have a noticed a stigma around it? What would you like others to know about the situation that you are dealing with? What were key components that changed your life for the positive? 

It's funny to think of myself as someone with "mental illness". Despite a challenging upbringing, I've always thought of myself as a happy girl. My nickname growing up was "Sunshine". 

But I guess that just means I buy into the stigma - the very one I'm trying to break - myself. The whole purpose behind this blog, behind the magazine article I did, behind getting up there in front of my work colleagues and telling my story, is simply to help others. If I took myself too seriously, I'd never be able to out myself as mentally ill. 

It's embarrassing, no doubt about it. I've worked extremely hard to present a certain persona and hide my issues related to depression and anxiety, especially in the workplace. I'm pretty sure that's why I still have a job. 

Here I go back to my Buddhist beliefs, but it's a noble truth: life is suffering. At some point or another, we all face demons, whether we deserve them to show up in our life or not. Living the way I did as a JW, trying to constantly pretend everything was fine and I was always happy is no way to live. This is not to say I dwell in negativity. I work very, very hard to stay positive and upbeat. In answer to the "what would you like others to know" question I would say this: we all go through difficult times. Sickness, death, divorce, unfair situations. We can't be expected to always be fine. The rain falls in all of our lives at different times, in different ways. 

Getting disfellowshipped and divorced were tragic experiences for me, but I also went through hell when my Cat died. We can't control things. I think the most important thing I want people to take away from this experience is that when we deal with depression, anxiety, addictions, that doesn't make us weak. Because we are dealing with them. That makes us strong. 

I've spent years in therapy, going to yoga, meditating, reading positive, life changing literature. These things have changed my life in a positive way. Putting myself out there with new people, trying to rebuild some kind of life is scary but I've been rewarded for the effort. I don't wallow in sadness, I rarely deal with depression anymore. But the post-traumatic stress of what I went I went through years ago sticks with me and I can't always control the anxiety when it chooses to show up. I just have to try to breathe through it (which is sometimes all I can do when the panic gets so bad that even breathing is such a struggle) and if it's a really bad day, go home and try again tomorrow.

The important thing is that we don't give up. Every day that we're still here is a testament to that effort. That we try not to be too hard ourselves, that we try to love ourselves as we are. That even when we're soaking wet from the rainfall, we're looking for the sun.  

Because after the rain, it might be damp and soggy for a long time, but at least the we've weathered the storm. Never, ever, ever give up. You are not alone. :)

Triple Threat!

Gawd, I love Saturdays.

Last weekend was the worst weekend ever. The Triple Threat. The good thing about when bad things come in threes is that then you're absolutely, positively in the clear for awhile. The storm is over and now everything is calm. It's a beautiful, gorgeous fall day in Toronto. It almost doesn't matter that it's November 16th and I still don't have heat in my apartment. (Law suit pending...)

I was talking to my brother about this and I really think that everything bad that happens to us in life is a test, to see how we will react, what choices will we make, will we give up? Sometimes, I won't lie, you want to just throw back your head and scream at the gods that be and ask them why they are such assholes when you are just trying to be a good person.

Buddhists believe that nothing is permanent and we need to detach from our suffering. I'm a newbie at it, but I've been reading Jack Kornfield when I can't sleep and practicing. I have a panic attack and I just think...I'm not my body. I'm not my job. I'm not this date I'm about to go on. Because we are all part of something much bigger than that.

It helps to put on something that makes you want to dance in the living room. So I have a Saturday morning song for you. Here ya go. 

Listen to this and then enjoy your morning run, yoga, coffee, walk in the park, whatever you're up to. Every day is a gift, every day we lose a little more time. Let's *shine* while we're here, for what it's worth. :)

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Ok perhaps I was being a bit dramatic with that title. But I honestly can't remember the last time I've been this sad. What does one do on a Saturday night after they kill their Cat?

I was up most of Friday night with her so I took a nap. I would say after the events of this morning, I could justify splurging and ordering in instead of cooking. But I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like going out but I don't feel like staying in either, the apartment is way too lonely now. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.