Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.

Searching for the Silver Lining

My Therapist: So why aren't you writing anymore?

Me: I don't feel like writing. I feel like the sky is dark, it's always raining and I'm cold and wet. 

He laughs. 

Him: You could write about that then. I'm sure a lot of people could relate. 

Now ya'll know I have no aversion to sharing the good bad and the ugly on here. But I can't do it without a spin. A silver lining that makes us all feel better at the end of the blog. 

In the spirit of Thanksgiving though, I thought about it all the way home from the doctor's and here's a quick update of terrible things gone wrong that are actually all okay. 

1. I was sick ALL summer. I got out of bed/the hospital/whatever and now it's fall. But it's alright because fall is my favorite season, I'm starting to feel better and we're having a bit of an Indian Summer. 

2. Because of that I was off work for months. Finances started running pretty low and I didn't even know how I would pay my expenses last month. There is always one man I can count on, and as usual he came through for me - no guilt, no pressure. "Wait until you're back to full pay and then you can start paying me back." Thank the Universe I have someone who has always got my back. 

3. My doctor, who doesn't have any kind of responsibility for me, offered to just treat me for free this month - again - it's just until I get back on my feet. Just because he wants to help (or perhaps he's just the only man who thinks I'm too fascinating/crazy to get rid of just yet). It was such a kind gesture that he actually, finally was able to make me cry in his office. I felt very "Good Will Hunting" that day, but hey, they won an Oscar so maybe my story will be interesting someday too. 

4. Despite not being able to work for awhile, I have a good job with people who care about me, who would check in, stop by, meet me in the park for lunch. And I still have a job. 

5. I got dumped again. This guy was way too smart, successful and lovely for me anyways. On our first date he told me I was a "nice girl". "Totally completely crazy" but a nice girl. The silver lining on this is that he actually took me out for gelato and dumped me in person instead of a text message. Text message dumping really sucks guys. Grow a pair and be a grown up. 

6. I have a great relationship with my brother and sister. It's taken awhile, but we've all got each other's back now. And nothing - not family, not religion, is going to pull that rug out from under me again. 

7. I spent two days trying to bail my friend out of jail. (Don't worry, he's lovely.) I didn't realize though that if I did that he'd have to come live with me. So now I have a couch surfer/roomate. He's a chef though so I don't know if you know what it's like to come home at lunch from work and someone is cutting up veggies and making fajitas. It's fun. His two cats make me allergic, but they are adorable. 

8. It's my girlfriends birthday this weekend and even though she's upset about it, I think age is just a number. We're still fabulous. 

9. My best friend got engaged. I will be the oldest bridesmaid ever but somehow I'll figure out how to rock it. I'm so happy for her. 

10. I have some great new friends. On my wedding anniversary, a day I hate, they invited me to go kayaking. I'm still pretty weak and I almost died but at least I wasn't alone. 

My girlfriend was over the other night and she said look at you, you attract us messed up people. I think at this point, we're all messed up. But we're making the best of it. And we have each other. That's a silver lining. :)