Hey Soul Sister!

I woke up at 3 am and went to the kitchen. I thought I'd get a bowl of rice and a glass of water. Oh the perks of living in sin with an Asian, there's always fresh rice.

Jay: Bad dreams?
Me: Is there any other kind?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I guess she's 41 now. The days are long but the years are short. I don't really think about my family. Both my therapists are not fans, they think of them more like an infected limb I should cut off and be done with it before it spreads all through me. Does that hurt? Don't do it. 

They are probably right. But my sister. We've been through a lot together. A lot of her problems, she was never around for mine. I was always there for her though. I haven't seen her or my mother in over three years. Since she invited me and then uninvited me to her wedding. One of the biggest traumas in my life, I have to admit. When she gave me the invitation I said, are you sure? She said of course, you're my sister. Then the elders got involved and even though I'd bought a dress, wrote a card, had the wedding present, I wasn't allowed to go.

My family came to Toronto and drove by my place on their way to the wedding. I was sitting on the window in my pjs smoking. Yah, I used to smoke. They honked and waved like it was any other day of the week. I went out and drank until I didn't have any more feelings.

That was a long time ago now and I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Not by blood but out of love. I understand why my therapists and everyone else wants me to stay away from my family. The blood ties though are strong and pull at you every once in awhile. These people are pretty much strangers to me at this point but I still miss them. And wherever my sister is, I hope she's happier than I was in that life and wish her all the best.

Sullivan out.

Pen & Paper

I received my first Christmas card last night from a dear friend. I have to say, written messages: cards, letters, etc. - it's a lost art. 

One of my favorite exs used to write me love letters, and I think that's one of the reasons I will always love him. I keep them in a box and never look at them, but if I wanted to, they are there. We should all throw away our bills and bank statements once we've dealt with them, but keep your old letters. In the age of FaceBook and Email those are special. 

When I was a teenager, my girlfriends and I always wrote letters to each other. I still have all of them in a box under my bed. I'm not sure when we got too busy to write, I guess the problem with putting pen to paper is that we can't backspace when we make a mistake. We have to start over. Or live with that mistake and send it anyways. 

In life, we usually can't "backspace" either. As much as we may want things to be different, those past episodes are are written dark ink. The stains are impossible to get out. 

There is something about the holiday season though that makes me feel like we should just stop with the insanity of life and think about how to make that intimate connection again with the people we love. Not just sign a Christmas card for the sake of ticking boxes off a list, but because we have something to communicate to the people who are important to us. To be honest, the cards are what make me happiest, not the perfectly wrapped presents. 

We are all individuals and we see the world differently. I've been told how we do that is 90% our own perspective. That's true. But half the battle is being able to listen to the other person and try to understand their 90% perspective on things. It doesn't mean we have to agree, just be open to the conversation. 

The alternative is, of course, that we ignore it. That we don't speak our mind or be true to ourselves for the sake of keeping peace. 

Unfortunately for everyone I know, I'm way too good at saying how I feel. It may have been the lifetime of repressing that before but now I think if you want to be part of my life, you should talk to me. I'll listen to you but please hear me too. We can agree to disagree but if you don't even want to listen then I'm not sure how we move forward. 

Maybe I'll send you a letter. :)