Hey Soul Sister!

I woke up at 3 am and went to the kitchen. I thought I'd get a bowl of rice and a glass of water. Oh the perks of living in sin with an Asian, there's always fresh rice.

Jay: Bad dreams?
Me: Is there any other kind?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I guess she's 41 now. The days are long but the years are short. I don't really think about my family. Both my therapists are not fans, they think of them more like an infected limb I should cut off and be done with it before it spreads all through me. Does that hurt? Don't do it. 

They are probably right. But my sister. We've been through a lot together. A lot of her problems, she was never around for mine. I was always there for her though. I haven't seen her or my mother in over three years. Since she invited me and then uninvited me to her wedding. One of the biggest traumas in my life, I have to admit. When she gave me the invitation I said, are you sure? She said of course, you're my sister. Then the elders got involved and even though I'd bought a dress, wrote a card, had the wedding present, I wasn't allowed to go.

My family came to Toronto and drove by my place on their way to the wedding. I was sitting on the window in my pjs smoking. Yah, I used to smoke. They honked and waved like it was any other day of the week. I went out and drank until I didn't have any more feelings.

That was a long time ago now and I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Not by blood but out of love. I understand why my therapists and everyone else wants me to stay away from my family. The blood ties though are strong and pull at you every once in awhile. These people are pretty much strangers to me at this point but I still miss them. And wherever my sister is, I hope she's happier than I was in that life and wish her all the best.

Sullivan out.

You Can't Hurry Love

"No, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take." 

I know, I never listen to Phil Collins but I started with Cher and it got all old school dad's music. Today I finally had a day off. My friend texted me and he's like god, I'm so sick. I should be at this protest. And I say don't worry, I got it. I didn't even know we were protesting today. But some "christian" group was doing an anti-gay protest and we were protesting them protesting.

What the eff? I know we've come a long way. As long as so called Christians are repressing us from being our authentic selves we have to keep fighting. And by fighting I mean cheering and dancing in the rain to Cher. Granted I may have been the only straight person on front street today. Maybe not. But no one cared. Everyone was there. The lipstick lesbians and the butch ones. The bears, the pretty boys, the drag queens.

Not usually a fan of politicians but our mayor gave a good speech and he said we couldn't stop the Christians from protesting. We could however, show we don't agree with their mentality. That Toronto is welcoming to everyone regardless of race, sex, religion or sexual orientation. That's the goal we are striving towards. But...you can't hurry love. I feel some compassion for them. I used to be in a place where anyone who didn't believe the same thing was a sinner and an outsider. It was a miserable place to be. I know for a fact a lot of people following those rules still miss me.

There was literally one cop on our side of the fence. We are not violent or aggressive but we will keep fighting until all of us are equal. I believe that day will come, where the hurting stops and love will win. :)

Sullivan out.

The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business. 

Ready to Run

When I got married, I knew I'd get divorced. My dad was walking me down the aisle and before we started he was like, we don't have to do this. We have a car outside. We can just leave. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. 

One of my favorite ex boyfriends used to call me "Little Flight Risk". He was a great guy. Wanted to marry me and have kids. Been there, done that. Not the having kids part but the wanting to.

I've become famous for leaving jobs. A friend called me the other day, he was like, just checking in. Wanted to see if you still had a job.

It's difficult to trust anyone when you've lost everyone. I really don't think I'm cut out to be a corporate Bay Street bitch anymore, so I think I'll just open a flower shop and put that MBA to good use. :)

The guy I'm with now? Oh, he's not my type. And how many times have I run away? I can't count. But. The other night I was freaking out because I was writing a paper and my printer stopped working. I'm old school and I cannot work on the internet. I needed my paper copies of all these studies I'm analyzing. So he went to an internet cafe (yes those still exist apparently) at 1 am and printed them all off. He won't let me quit my MBA (I have one course left so that would be stupid) but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. He always tells me to just go back to the flower shop and learn as much as I can from my boss and we'll figure out how to get our own thing going.

Sounds good to me. On one hand, I'm like where exactly was all this acceptance, support and love when I was growing up? On the other hand, I finally found it.

Yesterday was his birthday and I always think a birthday is a new beginning. If I were him, I'd start the new year by kicking me to the curb, but he hasn't so I'm pretty sure we're end game. I have loved very deeply in the past. While I still try to be a good person, I also try not to love too much because it always ends up hurting me. Before that happens, I run away. There is however something to be said for sticking it out.

Oh, the perils of self-improvement. This time I'm not leaving because it's worth the work to stay. Dammit. Guess I'm just finally in the right place. To quote RuPaul (which I never do) "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you ever gonna love someone else? Can I get an Amen!" Amen.

Sullivan out.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness of Being Happy

I feel sorry for millenials. All true forms of art seem to be dying off with our childhood heroes. And we're not kidding anyone, we came way before the millenials. Bowie, Prince, Michael Jackson *oh yah i totally went there* everyone who has ever written a book worth reading? Dead. Except Margaret Atwood and I have some suspicions that she's actually dead pretending to be alive, I met her (she's dead).  I was looking at books at a book store the other day. They had roughly drawn stick pictures in them. I'm like this make the New York Times? *she shakes her head* and remembers she has overdue library books.

I'm as much to blame as anyone else. Everyone is like, you're a writer? Yes. You have a book? Yes. Is it hidden in some secret file on my computer that I intent to leave a letter with the instructions on how to find it with Jay for when I die? Yes.

When I get upset, I don't say, I'm feeling conflicted. I need to take some time to figure out the most positive course of action. One that will enable me and those I care for to successfully navigate this situation and ensure the best possible outcome.

I send my best a friend a text that says "FML". While I truly love the eff word deeply, I'm not using my better words anymore.

You know what's a great word? Melancholy. 

On that note, I tolerate my MBA, with only one course left after this one, I don't care anymore. I'm struggling to figure out why I cared in the first place. All that time and money. Will those three little letters after my name change anything? NO. Life doesn't care if you are smarter than someone else. The jdubs discourage education which is why I went ALL THE WAY. What I learned was I was always this smart and now I've spent so much money just to prove it to other people, who let's be honest, don't give a fuck.

Charisma, courage, passion, those are what you should do an MBA in. I'm so bored with myself, I don't know how other people even put up with me. Like let me help you with your marketing strategy, throw me a math problem I can't solve or a business I can't turn around by working your assets and assessing your balance sheets. Boring.

Today, I am definitely supposed to be writing a paper. Instead? I lure my boyfriend/manfriend/lifepartner/husband whatever you want to call him to kensignton market so I can buy sage to burn all the negative energy out of our place and get new earrings. I really just wanted to go to Blackbird Baking and Courage my Love and all the places that stole all the best names.

Then we got Vietnamese food and we're running late. So I'm like just drop me off at the market (the other market) cause Ken would would be very upset if I didn't show on a Saturday. Dudes there alone. I'm like where's Robin? She couldn't work. I've offered 17 million times to work for free on the weekends. I jump behind the cash and start ringing people in and packaging flowers. Sweep the floors and take out the garbage. Yes, I love my marketing job. Yes, I'm somewhat important. You cannot however compete for working in a flower shop for minimum wage. I was so lucky I got to do that. Coming home and your whole place smells like beauty and hope.

Some guy was saying shit about our green roses which are actually my favorite and I wanted to punch him. That's your passion, charisma and courage. But the customer is always right. I have an MBA bud. These green ish roses are amazing and by the way, I know your girlfriend and in her culture those white ones mean death and she believes it. Have fun with buying those. :)

Life is more fun when it's fun. Bur damn tomorrow I gotta stop breathing in the flowers and write that paper. Finish line is in sight. Hey, I still remember how to use my words so I'm betting on that to get me through to the other side. My massage therapist is like why do you hate yourself so much? Your body doesn't like you. You'll probably come in here next time saying you're doing your PhD. NO EFFING WAY. Thanks for looking out for me though Craig. :)

PS. I get over this, I might do my PhD, (I'm so so so sorry Jay) cause I've always thought I'd be a great therapist. But definitely a long enough break is planned where I will be the best partner and dog mom and make up for this MBA mess. 

Sullivan out.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Cockroach

It's been awhile. Anyways, sorry but I've been really busy. Let's just do this quick. So I'm talking to my ex boyfriend tonight (it's his birthday) and yesterday was my birthday so we're both very Pisces. Somehow in conversation I said, Yesterday Jay said I was like a cockroach.

Him: Does he ever say nice things about you?

Me: That was totally a compliment.

Now, should I see a cockroach in my apartment? Not a good thing. But you have to respect those little mother f*ers. One of these days, the end of the world is going to come. And you know who is going to survive? The cockroaches. You can try to kill them. You can poison them. You can cut their heads off. They will stay alive. That's what they do.

If one message to you is my only purpose in life here it is: I've been to purgatory, I've looked Hell itself in the face. I'm still here. I'm still happy. :)

Of course there was a snowstorm on my birthday. The weather was crazy. Friends are cancelling plans. The whole time, I'm just thinking, bring it on. When/if (that's a big if) I'm not around anymore, please remember, you weather the storms and eventually life gives you a break. Right now, I love my job. I have the perfect dog. Awesome friends, the best boyfriend. I know none of these things will last forever and that it has taken a decade to rebuild a life I left. I feel like my head got cut off and I was wandering around without one for awhile. (btw what do cockroaches do when you cut their head off? do they grow a new head?)

It's good and it's sad at the same time but I'm starting to forget them. Even my family. I try to bring up their voices in my head sometimes and I can't. All the photo albums are in storage, I don't look at them. I'm the marketing person for my firm now and we need to spend a lot of money to get new sites photographed and I thought for a second oh my sister is trying to do a photography business maybe I should get her the job. Then I remembered, I can't, because she shuns me. She wouldn't pick up the phone call.

I wonder how they would feel to know they aren't punishing me anymore because I almost forget they exist. They are there, like characters in a book you wish you had never read but you had to read it to get to the place you're in today. (Kinda like every textbook I've read for my MBA :)

My family was my MBA in life. There's a few good ones left (Grandma!) but for the most part, I honestly don't need anyone who doesn't believe in me. I think I'm imperfect but at the same time thoughtful and kind and I give anything I have to anyone who needs it. Jay sees that in me. I think that's why he loves me. But he also loves the cockroach who can't be killed no matter what life throws. He tells me I'm the strongest person he's ever met. I don't feel strong. But maybe, just maybe, I am.

One of my most special old life friends always told me, The past is like a rearview mirror. You should check it sometimes to make sure you're in the right lane. But if you stare into it, you'll crash. 

He was right. I learned that the hard way. So take the easy way. Grieve when you need to, but leave the past in the past. Get your head cut off, but grow a new one. A better one. And then, never, ever take for granted your second chance. For me, this IS the afterworld. And it's lovely. :)

Sullivan out.

Beyond the Barricade

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I find myself without a past. I had one person left. (Wait for the book.)

People don't really get my relationship with my therapist. It's taken him a long time to "fix me". Too long in their eyes. I trusted in the process and I trust him. This couldn't have been an easy job. He told me he knew how sad I was that my last old life friend was taken from me by my family, what else did they have left to take? They went for the heart this time. I only blame myself for not seeing it coming from that crew.

Ross said think about it. She was the last link to your old life. You tell me sometimes you wake up confused because you dream you're still JW, you're still in your family, you're still married, you're still with your all old friends. Now, when you wake up it can really just be a dream. Shake it off and get on with your day. They are all GONE.

Would I trade everything for one day back there, in that life? There was a time I would have. Sometimes I call Jay "Travis" (I've never done that with anyone else) and we both pretend it never happened or maybe he doesn't even notice.  Either way, I'm with him. I love him. And with everyone else gone, I've come beyond the barricade and realized on the other side it's not entirely peaceful. It's the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I don't think it's circumstantial that I've been abused and taken advantage of out here. It happens in there too, to a lot of people and everyone should know that. It's me, I'm a different person. No one would have stood up to me before, but then I got broken and it started happening. I hate to say "me too" but it's true. It's happened.

Let's keep moving forward though and see what else is beyond the barricade. I learned the truth about myself. I have learned compassion, I have learned to grow. The finish line is immortal. The moments that define you have already happened and will happen again. And never, ever, ever, die before your death.

Sullivan out.

Rewrite the Stars

Yes, I have been on hiatus. It was an awful winter. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

But here I am. I've been feeling depressed again. It's recent. As in this week. I love how unpredictable it can be. You go through all this really hard shit and most people aren't  really there for you, yet you're fine. Then...once you finally start to feel a little bit better...WHAM! You're depressed again. I don't like talking about it. Not because I'm not a huge advocate for mental health, y'all know I am. I'm also me. I'm proud. To me it feels like a weakness to admit it.

I told my guy today I was struggling. He was like, I'm depressed too. I just looked at him. I'm pretty sure he was joking. I thought, I would be too if I had me for a girlfriend. He's like the guy who you wish all your other boyfriends had been but weren't and that's why you are still single.

"They" say depression is all in our head. Like they are superior. Like their heads are better, stronger places to be. My brother says that all the time but I think living in his head must be a fucking mess. :)

I think what works as healing for each of us is different but for me, I know I'm usually in that place because I feel like I'm not good enough. That idea was ingrained in me since I was able to talk. With the Witnesses you're never good enough. Never. No matter what.

Now, I feel like I should be able to snap my fingers and get over my past life. Today I had to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to not be okay.

They had 32 years of brainwashing on me. Somehow, I found the strength to walk away and not go back. That leaves me with about half my life to re-write the story and figure out who the hell I am, what I want to do and who I want to do it with.

The thing about Big Dreams, like starting over, is you have to do them for yourself. I couldn't have stayed for Travis, I couldn't have left for Adam. I had to do it for me. When I was ready. Alone.

We were at the beach with Max this afternoon and Jay looks at me and says you need to go. And I was like, I've been writing in my head. (He encourages this even though I'm always silently talking to myself.) Next he says, you'll call it rewrite the stars. How did he know that?

But we can. We can start over. We can rewrite. We can take the path we're on that makes us miserable and turn a corner. Pick up some strays and create your own new destiny.

It's never going to be perfect and from experience, not usually easy. Last night I cried and I was like what did I do this all for? I wrecked my life. Jay just said, "You wanted to be free. Now you are."

He's right. They gave more than enough time to rethink my decision to rewrite my life. I wouldn't change anything. And that's what I need to remind myself of on those odd sad Saturday mornings.

I am brave. I am free. This is who I was meant to be. This is me. 

Ps. Since we're talking about our journey being written in the stars, check out Kyla's new Zodiac Collection - buy a mala!!

Rabbit Hole

Did y'all miss me? I'm coming out of retirement temporarily for a couple of reasons. 1) I don't think anyone is cyber stalking me right now. 2) I haven't written anything in almost 6 months and I'm dying. 3) I'm so proud of Toronto right now I have to talk about it.

Catch CityNews last night? They did an hour long segment exposing the JWs for being a cult who shuns people. They interviewed three people who have left. One fader, one disfellowshipped and one who disassociated. (You will only understand those terms if you were in it, so let me know if you need a dictionary. I've been all three at different times.)

If you didn't see it you can catch some highlights here: http://www.citynews.ca/video/2017/08/10/video-leaving-the-jehovahs-witnesses/

They called it "Leaving Jehovah". The US is way ahead of us, and as usual, we've had a slow start here in Canada. I've spent a lot of years feeling alone in my well-intentioned yet slightly angry public crusade against the Watchtower. These three people though, were brave enough to tell their stories and speak out.

It was accurately and well done in my opinion. Some of the discussion was very on point. "Being an apostate is the worst sin you could commit." True. I know they all think I am am very dangerous. Although the Watchtower did make a kids cartoon about how gay marriage is the equivalent of taking scissors on an airplane. So I guess they think that's pretty bad in their eyes too. Although I don't really get the analogy. They need better PR/Marketing people. If I had a gun to my head and was forced to explain to my six year old how it wasn't okay to love who you love, to have two mommies or live your life the way you wanted to, I don't think scissors on an airplane is the way I would go. But what do I know? Some of my best friends are gay. They seem more like a warm blanket and a big hug when I need them than scissors on a plane to me.

One of the other guys said he invited his JW family to his upcoming wedding. They refused to go. He said the next time they'll all be in the same room will be for a funeral. Where he will be shunned by everyone, not comforted for his loss. I believe that about my family. Then again, haven't we all had to mourn that loss already?

They talked about nightmares of Armageddon coming and dying in flames. Would've been better to live that in real life in the last Game of Thrones episode (spoiler alert!) than in your dreams. That looked like fun! I can attest to the fact that long after you stop believing, the dreams still haunt you.

I honestly, sincerely believe that it's all worth it. That we're happier being free. I don't mean to minimize anything anyone is currently going through. But isn't it better not to be brainwashed? To make your own decisions for the first time in your life? Scary as hell. But worth it.

I'm so proud of all these people for telling their stories. I never wanted to be the lone voice. I always wanted us to join forces and expose them by speaking out together. If you want to join in, you can be anonymous. Or you can show your face. Let's take these fuckers down.

Alice never would have got to wonderland, had she not fallen down the rabbit hole. Let's free fall.

Sullivan out.

The Beloved

Well, me and being sick had a good run but like with everything and everyone else, eventually I had to break this relationship off. The tide has finally shifted and I'm back to work full time now. 

It was weird in the beginning. After being through so much and getting so down and low, I was a different person coming back to the office. I lost 25 lbs and that great place that I thought I was at just before I left, where I felt so hopeful that I would become successful at what I wanted to be. No, I just lost that too.

I realized something though. When I'm at work, I want to give it my best. I do not however want that to define me. I am so appreciative of where I am with work and the people I get to see 5 days a week, but there has to be more to life than just that. My family, my friends, my volunteer work. I attach a huge significance to all of those aspects of life as well.  

My boss is a Rockstar. Most people probably couldn't keep up with him even if he was in a coma. He's driven and oh-so-smart. 

He's always looking for ways for our team to be more productive, so he had all of us to do a personality test before I left. Everyone else killed it. Their dominant traits were Power, Prestige, Innovation. They got cool names like "The Change Agent", "The Trendsetter", "The Mastermind", "The Architect". I got "The Beloved". Apparently my dominant traits are being passionate, loyal and sincere. I'm genuine, no hidden agenda. Empathetic. Comforting. Welcoming, accepting, NURTURING. Expressive. Engaging. I could go on but I won't. You get the idea. 

I will never be the boss. I sighed as I printed it off and added it to his pile of profiles on all the better people than me that we have on our team.

By that I mean better at work. I'm not sure how most of them are in their real lives, they all seem pretty great. I'll tell you a secret though, before I took the test, when I was looking over all of the possible outcomes for who I was, as much as I'd love to be a super star, I just wanted to be "The Beloved". That's all I've ever wanted. And I guess I'm okay with it. 

Sullivan out.  

PS. It's Scorpion season. Happy Birthday to all my lovely Scorpios out there. Most of y'all have really hurt my feelings at some point...but I'm stubborn love all the way. Love you!