"You're in every song I wrote. But you'll never know. This is the way it should be. I'm no longer broken. And I don't need those blue eyes."
The three men I loved the most in my past life had blue eyes. Wasn't always a good time. My ex-husband, the guy I left him for and my dad. Things might still work out with dad if he realizes I'm not broken anymore. But I have the exact same eyes as him and they remind me where I come from.
I actually didn't think I'd survive all this. My therapist said I should be crazy by now. The thing about whiplash is you don't know you have it right away. It takes time for the pain to set in. Once it's there it never really goes away.
I know this from a car accident I was in, I'm not just speaking figuratively. I only get books and makeup for Christmas except for from Jay I get a Kate Spade purse twice a year. The three books this year was "Healing Trauma", "The Empath's Survival Guide" and the "Awakened Empath".
I get it guys, I'm an empath. And a hippy. I wore a flowered headband to dinner with Jay's family last night. Are those character flaws? I don't think so. But if we are an empath, we do have to learn how to live with it.
I have my moments but I don't feel broken anymore. I feel surrounded by love. My partner in life works late and often I wait up for him. He puts me to bed and turns on my rain app because it calms me and makes me sleep. And no, he doesn't have blue eyes. :) The whiplash remains. The pain heals.
Sullivan out.
Saturday, 28 December 2019
Wednesday, 25 December 2019
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yule tide gay. From now on our troubles will be miles away.
Speaking of gays, they are my favorite. Three of my besties are gay. One of them always says I'm so gay I'm one of theirs. I'm straight but I am be one of theirs. I love those friends a lot. And I have a huge crush on Benny Drama.
I also love going to church at Christmas. I hate religion but I kinda like church. It is so much better than a Kingdom Hall. The choir, the incense, the songs we sing. The fact that you get to light candles or burn incense for your friends. One year I went home for Christmas. And everyone had to wait for the next person to light your candle. I used to smoke. I had a lighter in my pocket and I said to dad let's not wait just light them up. He was having none of that.
I don't like the bible but I do like the story about Jesus. I don't think he actually existed but if he did he was a good man. Probably bi sexual cause he loved Mary Magdelen and the apostle John. He didn't judge. He was all love.
In our day and age we shouldn't judge either. Who actually cares unless someone is self harming? Be who you are, own it. Be proud about it. I know feeling shame does nothing good for you.
Being spiritual even without a religion is an important part of life. It is something we should embrace. Hark the herald angels sing.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Sullivan out.
Speaking of gays, they are my favorite. Three of my besties are gay. One of them always says I'm so gay I'm one of theirs. I'm straight but I am be one of theirs. I love those friends a lot. And I have a huge crush on Benny Drama.
I also love going to church at Christmas. I hate religion but I kinda like church. It is so much better than a Kingdom Hall. The choir, the incense, the songs we sing. The fact that you get to light candles or burn incense for your friends. One year I went home for Christmas. And everyone had to wait for the next person to light your candle. I used to smoke. I had a lighter in my pocket and I said to dad let's not wait just light them up. He was having none of that.
I don't like the bible but I do like the story about Jesus. I don't think he actually existed but if he did he was a good man. Probably bi sexual cause he loved Mary Magdelen and the apostle John. He didn't judge. He was all love.
In our day and age we shouldn't judge either. Who actually cares unless someone is self harming? Be who you are, own it. Be proud about it. I know feeling shame does nothing good for you.
Being spiritual even without a religion is an important part of life. It is something we should embrace. Hark the herald angels sing.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Sullivan out.
Tuesday, 17 December 2019
What about trust? What about love? What about us?
Family is not always easy. It's probably one of the hardest negotiations you go through in life.
Welcome to my life. Both my therapists (yes I have two) tell me to stay away from my family. I understand why. Two suicide attempts. My immediate family has been my downfall.
After two years of nothing really I came home today and had a package in my mailbox. It was from my dad, a Christmas present. I tell myself I don't need anyone because that's how life turned out. I made a wrong turn once or twice. Some bad decisions.
Overall I think I was the one who was there anytime anyone needed anything. I did the best I could. And I was the one who was punished. I kept my siblings alive. Now what are we? No siblings. Do I even have a mother? I don't think so.
But John, my dad, was the love of my life. And I know I'm his. When he looks into our same eyes he knows like I do that we have an unbreakable connection. I wish I could have had a child and passed the eyes on. It's more than that though. We are the same in so many ways. Am I scared to try again? I'd be insane not to. But he made a gesture.
He spends so much of his life like I do, helping others. However this works out John will always be a hero to me. So I guess...here we go again....whatever happens boys out there just know daddy will always be my love, the most handsome man in the world. And you'll have to fill some really big shoes to take his place.
Sullivan out.
Welcome to my life. Both my therapists (yes I have two) tell me to stay away from my family. I understand why. Two suicide attempts. My immediate family has been my downfall.
After two years of nothing really I came home today and had a package in my mailbox. It was from my dad, a Christmas present. I tell myself I don't need anyone because that's how life turned out. I made a wrong turn once or twice. Some bad decisions.
Overall I think I was the one who was there anytime anyone needed anything. I did the best I could. And I was the one who was punished. I kept my siblings alive. Now what are we? No siblings. Do I even have a mother? I don't think so.
But John, my dad, was the love of my life. And I know I'm his. When he looks into our same eyes he knows like I do that we have an unbreakable connection. I wish I could have had a child and passed the eyes on. It's more than that though. We are the same in so many ways. Am I scared to try again? I'd be insane not to. But he made a gesture.
He spends so much of his life like I do, helping others. However this works out John will always be a hero to me. So I guess...here we go again....whatever happens boys out there just know daddy will always be my love, the most handsome man in the world. And you'll have to fill some really big shoes to take his place.
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 8 December 2019
Pretending to be happy
Is a huge burden. Pretending you're always strong for everyone else. Kills you inside. Now I know my m, uhhmmmm, not mother, Linda's side of the family will be mad at me as usual if I write anything negative cause Grandma will be upset. Heads up family I know her computer doesn't work. Please buy her a new one for Christmas and I'll stop writing these kinds of blogs. :)
You know why I know she's not upset? Because I talk to her every week. Because I was a good child and I'm a good grandchild, although not perfect. Why do musicians get to yell and scream at everyone who has ever hurt them and everyone sings along but I'm not allowed to talk.
I talked to my...no wait...not my father, John today and I think we're mending bridges. Maybe someday he'll be daddy again.
Jay left for work today and he said pretending to be happy is hard. It is. I do it every fucking day. So does he. Then what is left for us in the three minutes we have together a day? I never thought I'd think this but I need to be more selfish. One of my best memories was this day. Hit something. Hit it hard and let it fly away. Christmas market will end and I'll finish my MBA (four days!) and then we'll see where we are at. In the meantime, let it fly.
Sullivan out.
You know why I know she's not upset? Because I talk to her every week. Because I was a good child and I'm a good grandchild, although not perfect. Why do musicians get to yell and scream at everyone who has ever hurt them and everyone sings along but I'm not allowed to talk.
I talked to my...no wait...not my father, John today and I think we're mending bridges. Maybe someday he'll be daddy again.
Jay left for work today and he said pretending to be happy is hard. It is. I do it every fucking day. So does he. Then what is left for us in the three minutes we have together a day? I never thought I'd think this but I need to be more selfish. One of my best memories was this day. Hit something. Hit it hard and let it fly away. Christmas market will end and I'll finish my MBA (four days!) and then we'll see where we are at. In the meantime, let it fly.
Sullivan out.
Monday, 2 December 2019
The Promise
"When you need a friend, don't look to a stranger. You know in the end I'll always be there."
Once upon a time, maybe seven years ago, I met a guy. He was fun. He threw crazy parties. Hosted a Game of Thrones night every Monday. We used to wait for each other to get off work so we could go out. I'd come out of the restaurant and he'd be leaning against a wall earphones on, cigarette in his hand. He was a sexy smoker. We were just friends.
Except he always tried to kiss me. One night I let him. We had a great summer. We implemented no pants Sundays and would hang out in the back yard suntanning and talking to our adopted Raccoon, Conrad.We'd feed him pizza and chips. He got so comfortable with us he actually broke into the house one time and Jay found him sitting on the couch eating chips and watching tv.
But this isn't a fairytale, We broke up. A lot. We fought a lot. We dated other people. But the in between times were what made us special. Like how he'd buy me flowers on Mother's Day because he knew that day made me sad. How we were never speaking to each other again but I texted him when Cat was dying of cancer and he showed up and went with me to put her down and we both cried.
We've come a long way since then. We grew up. Things happened so we were forced to. I spent a lot of time in the hospital. I was dating someone else at that time who never once showed up. Jay would text me every morning and ask what I wanted to eat. He'd curl up in the little stale hospital bed with me so I didn't feel alone. We didn't party anymore. He said something to me tonight after he went out to buy the biggest Christmas tree I've ever had and I was so happy. We were dancing around the living room to 90s music, Christmas music decorating the tree. Where would you be right now without me? I said dead. I'd be dead. He said yes, you would be.
So I asked him, are you in love with me or did you stay with me out of guilt? Out of knowing where I'd be without you. You have a hero complex so I've never been sure. He was honest. He said yes that's why he stayed with me all these years. At least in the beginning. But now he really is in love with me. He thinks I'm so strong and so smart and even pretty sometimes :) Sometimes love comes softly. He said you saved me too. I looked around our apartment and the dog on my lap and the cat on his and I got it. I gave him a family surrounded by love.
I ran into my brother randomly the other day (my family mostly shuns me) he was like are you and J married yet? I said basically yes. I don't need another ceremony, to sign some papers. But he is totally end game for me. I made a promise to myself to never let him down again. We've lived together for years so we are married, just not on paper. Death is the enemy. We've lost pets, we've lost family, we've lost friends. We won't lose each other.
He drives me crazy sometimes with his Filipino food and leaving his socks on the floor. But if that the worst I can say about the most wonderful person I've ever met, it's not so bad. And hey, he made sure that I'm still here. :) The promise stands.
Sullivan out.
Once upon a time, maybe seven years ago, I met a guy. He was fun. He threw crazy parties. Hosted a Game of Thrones night every Monday. We used to wait for each other to get off work so we could go out. I'd come out of the restaurant and he'd be leaning against a wall earphones on, cigarette in his hand. He was a sexy smoker. We were just friends.
Except he always tried to kiss me. One night I let him. We had a great summer. We implemented no pants Sundays and would hang out in the back yard suntanning and talking to our adopted Raccoon, Conrad.We'd feed him pizza and chips. He got so comfortable with us he actually broke into the house one time and Jay found him sitting on the couch eating chips and watching tv.
But this isn't a fairytale, We broke up. A lot. We fought a lot. We dated other people. But the in between times were what made us special. Like how he'd buy me flowers on Mother's Day because he knew that day made me sad. How we were never speaking to each other again but I texted him when Cat was dying of cancer and he showed up and went with me to put her down and we both cried.
We've come a long way since then. We grew up. Things happened so we were forced to. I spent a lot of time in the hospital. I was dating someone else at that time who never once showed up. Jay would text me every morning and ask what I wanted to eat. He'd curl up in the little stale hospital bed with me so I didn't feel alone. We didn't party anymore. He said something to me tonight after he went out to buy the biggest Christmas tree I've ever had and I was so happy. We were dancing around the living room to 90s music, Christmas music decorating the tree. Where would you be right now without me? I said dead. I'd be dead. He said yes, you would be.
So I asked him, are you in love with me or did you stay with me out of guilt? Out of knowing where I'd be without you. You have a hero complex so I've never been sure. He was honest. He said yes that's why he stayed with me all these years. At least in the beginning. But now he really is in love with me. He thinks I'm so strong and so smart and even pretty sometimes :) Sometimes love comes softly. He said you saved me too. I looked around our apartment and the dog on my lap and the cat on his and I got it. I gave him a family surrounded by love.
I ran into my brother randomly the other day (my family mostly shuns me) he was like are you and J married yet? I said basically yes. I don't need another ceremony, to sign some papers. But he is totally end game for me. I made a promise to myself to never let him down again. We've lived together for years so we are married, just not on paper. Death is the enemy. We've lost pets, we've lost family, we've lost friends. We won't lose each other.
He drives me crazy sometimes with his Filipino food and leaving his socks on the floor. But if that the worst I can say about the most wonderful person I've ever met, it's not so bad. And hey, he made sure that I'm still here. :) The promise stands.
Sullivan out.
Friday, 29 November 2019
The Trifecta
It's like we're scared of getting good. The worst of me has brought out the worst in a lot of people. There are a few though, who I know my worst makes them their best. There are three people in Toronto who have been there and stuck with me through the past ten years. There would have been four, but sadly she passed.
Don't tell Jay I'm writing a blog, I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. Which is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I hate every word I write. I keep trying to make it better but this is the first challenge that's ever made me feel stupid. My prof is so kind and keeps trying to encourage me to see this through. Then it's over, finally. I know me, I'll probably wait five minutes and get bored and find some new challenging project. My brain is on overdrive and it won't calm down.
Maybe I'll do a PhD. Maybe I'll adopt another rescue animal. Maybe I'll learn yet another language. I literally can't stop. It's a beautiful trauma. I annoy myself.
Back in the day, when I left the jdubs I was lucky enough to get a good job. I had mentors and friends that I keep to this day. Three of them. One of them became my best friend. The other two never miss a birthday or a Christmas without a lunch or dinner.
They have definitely seen the worst of me. But they bring out the best in me. They celebrate my successes. In ten years of me being at my worst they haven't left me. The best in me wants to love them back. The worst of me has come out with everyone. I don't want to hurt people or lose people anymore.
Knowing you have your people who will always love you no matter what side of you they see that day? I have some other really great friends now. Jay is slowly helping me change from Blackbird to a Phoenix. But the Trifecta factor has been there with me in the trenches since the start. They think I'm strong. They see potential. They are all smart and successful so if they believe it, so should I. The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places. They will never know how much I love them. How much I needed them. :)
Sullivan out.
Don't tell Jay I'm writing a blog, I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. Which is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I hate every word I write. I keep trying to make it better but this is the first challenge that's ever made me feel stupid. My prof is so kind and keeps trying to encourage me to see this through. Then it's over, finally. I know me, I'll probably wait five minutes and get bored and find some new challenging project. My brain is on overdrive and it won't calm down.
Maybe I'll do a PhD. Maybe I'll adopt another rescue animal. Maybe I'll learn yet another language. I literally can't stop. It's a beautiful trauma. I annoy myself.
Back in the day, when I left the jdubs I was lucky enough to get a good job. I had mentors and friends that I keep to this day. Three of them. One of them became my best friend. The other two never miss a birthday or a Christmas without a lunch or dinner.
They have definitely seen the worst of me. But they bring out the best in me. They celebrate my successes. In ten years of me being at my worst they haven't left me. The best in me wants to love them back. The worst of me has come out with everyone. I don't want to hurt people or lose people anymore.
Knowing you have your people who will always love you no matter what side of you they see that day? I have some other really great friends now. Jay is slowly helping me change from Blackbird to a Phoenix. But the Trifecta factor has been there with me in the trenches since the start. They think I'm strong. They see potential. They are all smart and successful so if they believe it, so should I. The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places. They will never know how much I love them. How much I needed them. :)
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 17 November 2019
Lest we Forget
You know what I hate about all my job jumping? I never have the right clothes. So I have a closet full of thousands of dollars of corporate stuff which I hope I don't need ever again but if things get bad I might have to go back. I don't get rid of them.
Then I have my dog walking/work in a flower shop stuff. I can't get rid of those either. I still have to do both those things.
Now I run a boutique, money is scarce because an MBA is too expensive, but I need to dress the right way. Apparently after yesterday, that means layers and layers of clothes that reflect the store and during Christmas market the door never closes. I'm happy there but still cold to my bones from that never ending shift. I guess it doesn't matter what I wear because I have this awesome coat and a hat and mitts and that's what I'll be wearing every day since winter came way too early.
That's the thing Game of Thrones got right about: winter, it is coming. You just don't know when. This time last year I was out in a sweatshirt playing ball with my dog in the leaves. This year, different story.
Let me be devil's advocate for a minute and have a say. I'm late on my Remembrance Day blog. I was processing everything. Y'all know I'm not racist or have any sense of superiority being a white, straight girl with blonde hair. *hello asian guy in my bed, italian dog (also in my bed), black hair stylist/awesome friend, indian boss and all my gay besties.*
I kinda don't think what we did to Don Cherry was right. Am I all for immigrants? Sure. But Trudeau has put us in this spot where he spends so much money on that, our veterans suffer. They can't afford to live. But Trudeau will give millions of dollars to terrorists who have killed our people. So maybe Don should have been mad at Trudeau instead. I don't know. But didn't we love Cherry all these years because you never knew what he would wear and what he would say next?
If you don't want to wear a poppy, that's your choice. You probably don't have both sets of grandfathers who fought the war, lived through it, but it took it's toll. There are no winners or losers in war, just survivors. And yes that is a very thinly veiled reference to my life.
I'm proud to be Canadian and to honour the ones that came before me by wearing a poppy. Should he have mentioned his feelings on TV? Probably not. But hear me out. Isn't that one of the freedoms our forefathers fought for? Freedom of speech.
The world is changing and we need to change with it. We're breaking a lot of unwritten rules that used to be lived by. But where does it end? Where does the freedom come from if we have to watch every word we say, everything we do. If that's your thing, might as well just join a cult :)
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.(MLK) I think we all deserve the freedom of speech and the life that we were granted by our forefathers. For that I am grateful and sorry for those of us who don't get a second chance. No one is perfect. At least he's not suggesting we build a wall. :)
Sullivan out. Peace.
Then I have my dog walking/work in a flower shop stuff. I can't get rid of those either. I still have to do both those things.
Now I run a boutique, money is scarce because an MBA is too expensive, but I need to dress the right way. Apparently after yesterday, that means layers and layers of clothes that reflect the store and during Christmas market the door never closes. I'm happy there but still cold to my bones from that never ending shift. I guess it doesn't matter what I wear because I have this awesome coat and a hat and mitts and that's what I'll be wearing every day since winter came way too early.
That's the thing Game of Thrones got right about: winter, it is coming. You just don't know when. This time last year I was out in a sweatshirt playing ball with my dog in the leaves. This year, different story.
Let me be devil's advocate for a minute and have a say. I'm late on my Remembrance Day blog. I was processing everything. Y'all know I'm not racist or have any sense of superiority being a white, straight girl with blonde hair. *hello asian guy in my bed, italian dog (also in my bed), black hair stylist/awesome friend, indian boss and all my gay besties.*
I kinda don't think what we did to Don Cherry was right. Am I all for immigrants? Sure. But Trudeau has put us in this spot where he spends so much money on that, our veterans suffer. They can't afford to live. But Trudeau will give millions of dollars to terrorists who have killed our people. So maybe Don should have been mad at Trudeau instead. I don't know. But didn't we love Cherry all these years because you never knew what he would wear and what he would say next?
If you don't want to wear a poppy, that's your choice. You probably don't have both sets of grandfathers who fought the war, lived through it, but it took it's toll. There are no winners or losers in war, just survivors. And yes that is a very thinly veiled reference to my life.
I'm proud to be Canadian and to honour the ones that came before me by wearing a poppy. Should he have mentioned his feelings on TV? Probably not. But hear me out. Isn't that one of the freedoms our forefathers fought for? Freedom of speech.
The world is changing and we need to change with it. We're breaking a lot of unwritten rules that used to be lived by. But where does it end? Where does the freedom come from if we have to watch every word we say, everything we do. If that's your thing, might as well just join a cult :)
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.(MLK) I think we all deserve the freedom of speech and the life that we were granted by our forefathers. For that I am grateful and sorry for those of us who don't get a second chance. No one is perfect. At least he's not suggesting we build a wall. :)
Sullivan out. Peace.
Saturday, 9 November 2019
Beauty in the Breakdown
You know how when you're a kid you have a certain idea about how your life would turn out? I did. And I made it happen. It looked perfect from the outside. I had what everyone I knew wanted. I had a secret. I was horribly miserable so I broke it and started again. This time, it's not that pretty picture in my head. If you could see what's coming you wouldn't worry about today.
My corporate suits hang in the closet and never get touched. I think I have an unused marriage ring around here somewhere. I have a family I don't know anymore. And I'm home alone on a Saturday night because I'd rather wait for Jay to come back than go anywhere. I have two rescue kids one of which is a psychopath. Our wi-fi is literally "Rosie is Satan's span." I quit jobs whenever I want because I know I'm opening my own business and all this is just temporary. I get offered jobs every week so I'm not really worried.
I had a particularly bad day today and I'm talking to my girlfriend who has recently gone through a difficult breakup. She said, you know there is beauty in the breakdown. You let the negative leave your life and then you're open to the new. Being older and wiser, I think we make better decisions. All those plans that ended in disaster, all the broken happy ever afters...they got us to where we needed to be. Do I hate Filipino food? Of course I do. But I love Jay. I love my friends and I love their kids more than I thought I could. I love not wearing suits. I love wearing my stupid bell bottoms and big hoop earrings. I love being able to be my authentic self and not get judged for it. I love every day I get because I know I'm living on borrowed time.
There is beauty in the breakdown. Being able to speak our mind, tell our truth and move on. We need to remember that when we have a bad day. Cause a bad day can be a great day with one phone call and one perfect blog title. Being happy is the best revenge. It's a beautiful trauma. :)
Sullivan out.
My corporate suits hang in the closet and never get touched. I think I have an unused marriage ring around here somewhere. I have a family I don't know anymore. And I'm home alone on a Saturday night because I'd rather wait for Jay to come back than go anywhere. I have two rescue kids one of which is a psychopath. Our wi-fi is literally "Rosie is Satan's span." I quit jobs whenever I want because I know I'm opening my own business and all this is just temporary. I get offered jobs every week so I'm not really worried.
I had a particularly bad day today and I'm talking to my girlfriend who has recently gone through a difficult breakup. She said, you know there is beauty in the breakdown. You let the negative leave your life and then you're open to the new. Being older and wiser, I think we make better decisions. All those plans that ended in disaster, all the broken happy ever afters...they got us to where we needed to be. Do I hate Filipino food? Of course I do. But I love Jay. I love my friends and I love their kids more than I thought I could. I love not wearing suits. I love wearing my stupid bell bottoms and big hoop earrings. I love being able to be my authentic self and not get judged for it. I love every day I get because I know I'm living on borrowed time.
There is beauty in the breakdown. Being able to speak our mind, tell our truth and move on. We need to remember that when we have a bad day. Cause a bad day can be a great day with one phone call and one perfect blog title. Being happy is the best revenge. It's a beautiful trauma. :)
Sullivan out.
Thursday, 7 November 2019
Mirror in the Sky what is Love?
Can the child withing your heart rise above?
Do you ever feel so alone. Like no one in the goddamn universe understands you?
Like your friends never listen to your advice no matter how valid it is. You've see the other side, you know the outcome. That guy is not worth your tears. So they hang up and say they'll call you back. 'They don't cause they know I'm right. They drive to see him. Cause god forbid he made a tiny little effort. A phone call.
So let's waste sleepless nights and insecurities and let that bad guy ruin a good girl. She sighs. When are men going to become better and people stop blaming us for making bad decisions. We're in a world of deciding what is the best of bad decisions available to us.
My guy is not perfect but he's the best guy I know. I didn't get everything I wanted, I wanted to have children. He didn't until it was too late.
He's pretty awesome all the other times. he picks movies for us to watch that he thinks I'll like. We watched one last night. Of course it was adorable, I love Rachel McAdams. It was a love story but the real love story was his family, him and his dad. Kinda reminded me of my dad.
Dad dies, movie ends. I cried. Then I couldn't stop. I was pretty bad, sobbing, and I'm an ugly crier so I looked worse today. When my uncle passed, my cousin called me. She's like, I'm sorry you didn't know he was sick. And that you had to hear this, this way. I smiled and said this is probably how I will find out my dad died. My aunt says I have to get over him.
I was really upset after the movie. Granted I'm a Pisces and we cry a lot. But when I looked at Jay I knew he will never really understand, no one will. We have all had these different journeys but with my dad it's like a sword in my heart that I can't take out and will always carry on taking it with me. If I try to grab it, it cuts up my hands and I'm just the loser who cared too much. The rest of them? I don't really care. I was a daddy's girl and besides Grandma, he's the only one I will cry for. But I won't be at the funeral.
Sullivan out.
Do you ever feel so alone. Like no one in the goddamn universe understands you?
Like your friends never listen to your advice no matter how valid it is. You've see the other side, you know the outcome. That guy is not worth your tears. So they hang up and say they'll call you back. 'They don't cause they know I'm right. They drive to see him. Cause god forbid he made a tiny little effort. A phone call.
So let's waste sleepless nights and insecurities and let that bad guy ruin a good girl. She sighs. When are men going to become better and people stop blaming us for making bad decisions. We're in a world of deciding what is the best of bad decisions available to us.
My guy is not perfect but he's the best guy I know. I didn't get everything I wanted, I wanted to have children. He didn't until it was too late.
He's pretty awesome all the other times. he picks movies for us to watch that he thinks I'll like. We watched one last night. Of course it was adorable, I love Rachel McAdams. It was a love story but the real love story was his family, him and his dad. Kinda reminded me of my dad.
Dad dies, movie ends. I cried. Then I couldn't stop. I was pretty bad, sobbing, and I'm an ugly crier so I looked worse today. When my uncle passed, my cousin called me. She's like, I'm sorry you didn't know he was sick. And that you had to hear this, this way. I smiled and said this is probably how I will find out my dad died. My aunt says I have to get over him.
I was really upset after the movie. Granted I'm a Pisces and we cry a lot. But when I looked at Jay I knew he will never really understand, no one will. We have all had these different journeys but with my dad it's like a sword in my heart that I can't take out and will always carry on taking it with me. If I try to grab it, it cuts up my hands and I'm just the loser who cared too much. The rest of them? I don't really care. I was a daddy's girl and besides Grandma, he's the only one I will cry for. But I won't be at the funeral.
Sullivan out.
Tuesday, 5 November 2019
The Best and the Worst
She can kill with a smile, she can wound with a lie. She only reveals what she wants you to see. She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me.
She takes what she needs for herself. She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be. For some reason this song has been kicking around in my head all day. No idea why, not a huge Billy Joel fan and I was probably a toddler when he was cool. Can't get it out of my head so I'll write about it.
I used to be such a people pleaser. I didn't know I had any power at all, over anything. I was talking to a friend tonight about how so much of our identity is caught up in who we were as children. Were you the smart one? The pretty one? The geek? The one who was different from the others?
One day I realized I had all the power I needed. So I changed my life. I wasn't shutting up anymore when things were wrong. The people around me didn't like it. Who can blame them? I was the yes girl. You know who is unhappy in life? The yes people. I truly believe in doing everything within our power to help less advantaged people. I've devoted my life to it. The thing is, when you always say yes to everyone else, you end up always saying no to yourself.
I keep running into my past life. The nightmares don't stop. I don't sleep a lot. It's like constantly running into a glass door that looked like it was open, but it never is, is it? I have literally spent thousands of dollars on therapy listening to them tell me to let go. To some degree I have. I've learned how to work with my strengths to get the things I want. I've learned how to hurt people. That never feels good. I've learned to make people believe what they want to believe and I've learned the consequences of only revealing what I want to and wounding others.
I did that out of self preservation, knowing people I love would stop loving me if I told the truth. Sometimes I wonder why am I the only person not allowed to tell the truth? But then I remember there are so many others who have it harder, whose truths might be darker, consequences more severe.
My girlfriend sent me her ex's wedding video today and it was amazing. (I will never say I didn't have an amazing wedding.) But one of the songs they used was the Rainbow Connection. You know, the Kermit the Frog song? My husband used to play that and sing it in the Kermit voice and when that played I cried. I cried for him, how I hurt him, and for me and how he hurt me. What we had and what we lost.
I got this fancy new tarot card deck. they're so pretty I don't even want to touch them. I'm comfortable with my old deck Jay bought me years ago at some festival in Greektown.
When I read my cards I get lots of swords. If I'm lucky enough to get a major arcana, I get strength or the tower or judgment. I never get the ten of cups. The rainbow.
What's on the other side of the rainbow? They're visions. Only illusions. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. :)
Sullivan out.
She takes what she needs for herself. She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be. For some reason this song has been kicking around in my head all day. No idea why, not a huge Billy Joel fan and I was probably a toddler when he was cool. Can't get it out of my head so I'll write about it.
I used to be such a people pleaser. I didn't know I had any power at all, over anything. I was talking to a friend tonight about how so much of our identity is caught up in who we were as children. Were you the smart one? The pretty one? The geek? The one who was different from the others?
One day I realized I had all the power I needed. So I changed my life. I wasn't shutting up anymore when things were wrong. The people around me didn't like it. Who can blame them? I was the yes girl. You know who is unhappy in life? The yes people. I truly believe in doing everything within our power to help less advantaged people. I've devoted my life to it. The thing is, when you always say yes to everyone else, you end up always saying no to yourself.
I keep running into my past life. The nightmares don't stop. I don't sleep a lot. It's like constantly running into a glass door that looked like it was open, but it never is, is it? I have literally spent thousands of dollars on therapy listening to them tell me to let go. To some degree I have. I've learned how to work with my strengths to get the things I want. I've learned how to hurt people. That never feels good. I've learned to make people believe what they want to believe and I've learned the consequences of only revealing what I want to and wounding others.
I did that out of self preservation, knowing people I love would stop loving me if I told the truth. Sometimes I wonder why am I the only person not allowed to tell the truth? But then I remember there are so many others who have it harder, whose truths might be darker, consequences more severe.
My girlfriend sent me her ex's wedding video today and it was amazing. (I will never say I didn't have an amazing wedding.) But one of the songs they used was the Rainbow Connection. You know, the Kermit the Frog song? My husband used to play that and sing it in the Kermit voice and when that played I cried. I cried for him, how I hurt him, and for me and how he hurt me. What we had and what we lost.
I got this fancy new tarot card deck. they're so pretty I don't even want to touch them. I'm comfortable with my old deck Jay bought me years ago at some festival in Greektown.
When I read my cards I get lots of swords. If I'm lucky enough to get a major arcana, I get strength or the tower or judgment. I never get the ten of cups. The rainbow.
What's on the other side of the rainbow? They're visions. Only illusions. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. :)
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 20 October 2019
In the Weeds
One of my friends does this fun thing on FaceBook. Almost every day he say he loves someone. I keep hoping it will be me. Yesterday it was. I have not figured out yet why I have such a need for validation. I born white privilege, straight, pretty and very smart. I guess I assumed that love would automatically follow. Perfect, picture worthy love. And it did.
But I inherited a problem. My name is Margaux and I'm a workaholic. Them: Hi Margaux. I ruined my marriage, I ruined my family relationships. Mostly because of the cult and some other problems I picked up along the way but somewhat because I can't stop myself. You have a problem? I'm always available. I'm working 16,000 hours a week? I'm going to do an MBA on top of that. I'm sure my current partner is just waiting to see what I do now that my MBA is over. All I really want to do is open a flower shop and write a book. Is it really going to matter if I have my name, comma, MBA on a flower shop business card? Nope.
I can't have kids so I feel insignificant. Instead I speak four languages and study and work all the time. I was talking to one of my friends last night. I was crying saying I was so tired. She has two kids. I'm sure she was like, okay Margaux whatever. I could tell you what tired is.
Wanna know a fun fact? I love orchids. Aren't they so pretty? Delicate. Not like me. But we do have something in common. Orchids are just a weed. Just some weed that we will pay big bucks for because they are beautiful. They are also the resurrection flower. All the flowers fall off. You think it's dead. It's not. Sometimes it's taken me ten months of taking care of one before it comes back to life.
Sometimes I take a long time to come back to life. Those times, Jay hides my sword. Dude, it's a small space I always know where the sword is. :)
Like my orchids I always come back. You can't ignore it when it looks like it died. You need to nurture it. Take care of it. Treat it delicately. Then eventually your weed becomes your favorite flower again.
Sullivan out.
But I inherited a problem. My name is Margaux and I'm a workaholic. Them: Hi Margaux. I ruined my marriage, I ruined my family relationships. Mostly because of the cult and some other problems I picked up along the way but somewhat because I can't stop myself. You have a problem? I'm always available. I'm working 16,000 hours a week? I'm going to do an MBA on top of that. I'm sure my current partner is just waiting to see what I do now that my MBA is over. All I really want to do is open a flower shop and write a book. Is it really going to matter if I have my name, comma, MBA on a flower shop business card? Nope.
I can't have kids so I feel insignificant. Instead I speak four languages and study and work all the time. I was talking to one of my friends last night. I was crying saying I was so tired. She has two kids. I'm sure she was like, okay Margaux whatever. I could tell you what tired is.
Wanna know a fun fact? I love orchids. Aren't they so pretty? Delicate. Not like me. But we do have something in common. Orchids are just a weed. Just some weed that we will pay big bucks for because they are beautiful. They are also the resurrection flower. All the flowers fall off. You think it's dead. It's not. Sometimes it's taken me ten months of taking care of one before it comes back to life.
Sometimes I take a long time to come back to life. Those times, Jay hides my sword. Dude, it's a small space I always know where the sword is. :)
Like my orchids I always come back. You can't ignore it when it looks like it died. You need to nurture it. Take care of it. Treat it delicately. Then eventually your weed becomes your favorite flower again.
Sullivan out.
Saturday, 12 October 2019
In My Blood
I'm supposed to be writing a paper for school. Shhhh! Don't tell my boyfriend. :)
How much of my mother has my mother left in me? How much of my love will be insane to some degree? I'm worried about this feeling that I'm never good enough will it wash out in the water or is it always in my blood?
How much of my father am I destined to become? Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone? Will I let this woman kill me or do away with jealous love? Will it wash out in the water or is it always in my blood?
I can feel the love I want. I can feel the love I need. It's never going to come the way I am. Could I change it if I wanted? Can I rise above the flood? Does it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood?
The bloodline, the stars, our past lives, what governs the things that are out of our control? That no matter who we try to be, we repeat the past over and over. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. Does that mean we are all insane?
My sister had this book displayed in her apartment "All Families are Insane". I think the insane part is no matter how much we work to make our own families, our bloodlines call to us. It's a temptation that is always there. We want to be loved. Accepted. By them. No mater how many people come along who do and will love us- unconditionally - there is always a part of our heart that is absent, missing, not willing to show up to the party and try. Or maybe that's just me. Would I trade one for the other? Not in a million years. That means I'll never 100% get there.
But more than halfway is good enough for me. The rest, the part that will always be in my blood is broken and you can't call a doctor to fix that. Maybe someday it'll wash out in the water. It's Thanksgiving weekend, be kind to your family. :)
Sullivan out.
How much of my mother has my mother left in me? How much of my love will be insane to some degree? I'm worried about this feeling that I'm never good enough will it wash out in the water or is it always in my blood?
How much of my father am I destined to become? Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone? Will I let this woman kill me or do away with jealous love? Will it wash out in the water or is it always in my blood?
I can feel the love I want. I can feel the love I need. It's never going to come the way I am. Could I change it if I wanted? Can I rise above the flood? Does it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood?
The bloodline, the stars, our past lives, what governs the things that are out of our control? That no matter who we try to be, we repeat the past over and over. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. Does that mean we are all insane?
My sister had this book displayed in her apartment "All Families are Insane". I think the insane part is no matter how much we work to make our own families, our bloodlines call to us. It's a temptation that is always there. We want to be loved. Accepted. By them. No mater how many people come along who do and will love us- unconditionally - there is always a part of our heart that is absent, missing, not willing to show up to the party and try. Or maybe that's just me. Would I trade one for the other? Not in a million years. That means I'll never 100% get there.
But more than halfway is good enough for me. The rest, the part that will always be in my blood is broken and you can't call a doctor to fix that. Maybe someday it'll wash out in the water. It's Thanksgiving weekend, be kind to your family. :)
Sullivan out.
Monday, 30 September 2019
Look What I Found
"Somebody who loves me someone who cares. Another piece of my heart lying on the ground."
I was talking to a friend this morning. He asked how I was. I said I'd been running around, working a lot, and two of my best friends and two of their kids all have birthdays in a three week span. I told Jay yesterday maybe it was better to be in the cult because birthdays are a lot of work.
Jay has always been so overboard on the holidays with me. Perfect Christmas trees that we put up in November and take down in January. Perfect presents. He always said he felt so sad I didn't get to have holidays growing up. I didn't understand why he was sad. For me it was just par for the course. It took me a long time to catch up with even remembering when the holidays were.
My dad wasn't in the cult so he would give me birthday and Christmas presents. My mother would make me give them back. I was maybe 6?
Being there with my girlfriends kids and seeing pictures, there were presents and cake and candles and happiness. I finally understood why he felt bad for me.
I still don't really feel bad for myself. Because look at what I found. The best friends, the best guy. Real, not fake happiness.
Maybe it's time to let the old life die. :)
Sullivan out.
I was talking to a friend this morning. He asked how I was. I said I'd been running around, working a lot, and two of my best friends and two of their kids all have birthdays in a three week span. I told Jay yesterday maybe it was better to be in the cult because birthdays are a lot of work.
Jay has always been so overboard on the holidays with me. Perfect Christmas trees that we put up in November and take down in January. Perfect presents. He always said he felt so sad I didn't get to have holidays growing up. I didn't understand why he was sad. For me it was just par for the course. It took me a long time to catch up with even remembering when the holidays were.
My dad wasn't in the cult so he would give me birthday and Christmas presents. My mother would make me give them back. I was maybe 6?
Being there with my girlfriends kids and seeing pictures, there were presents and cake and candles and happiness. I finally understood why he felt bad for me.
I still don't really feel bad for myself. Because look at what I found. The best friends, the best guy. Real, not fake happiness.
Maybe it's time to let the old life die. :)
Sullivan out.
Saturday, 28 September 2019
You Can't Hurry Love
"No, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take."
I know, I never listen to Phil Collins but I started with Cher and it got all old school dad's music. Today I finally had a day off. My friend texted me and he's like god, I'm so sick. I should be at this protest. And I say don't worry, I got it. I didn't even know we were protesting today. But some "christian" group was doing an anti-gay protest and we were protesting them protesting.
What the eff? I know we've come a long way. As long as so called Christians are repressing us from being our authentic selves we have to keep fighting. And by fighting I mean cheering and dancing in the rain to Cher. Granted I may have been the only straight person on front street today. Maybe not. But no one cared. Everyone was there. The lipstick lesbians and the butch ones. The bears, the pretty boys, the drag queens.
Not usually a fan of politicians but our mayor gave a good speech and he said we couldn't stop the Christians from protesting. We could however, show we don't agree with their mentality. That Toronto is welcoming to everyone regardless of race, sex, religion or sexual orientation. That's the goal we are striving towards. But...you can't hurry love. I feel some compassion for them. I used to be in a place where anyone who didn't believe the same thing was a sinner and an outsider. It was a miserable place to be. I know for a fact a lot of people following those rules still miss me.
There was literally one cop on our side of the fence. We are not violent or aggressive but we will keep fighting until all of us are equal. I believe that day will come, where the hurting stops and love will win. :)
Sullivan out.
I know, I never listen to Phil Collins but I started with Cher and it got all old school dad's music. Today I finally had a day off. My friend texted me and he's like god, I'm so sick. I should be at this protest. And I say don't worry, I got it. I didn't even know we were protesting today. But some "christian" group was doing an anti-gay protest and we were protesting them protesting.
What the eff? I know we've come a long way. As long as so called Christians are repressing us from being our authentic selves we have to keep fighting. And by fighting I mean cheering and dancing in the rain to Cher. Granted I may have been the only straight person on front street today. Maybe not. But no one cared. Everyone was there. The lipstick lesbians and the butch ones. The bears, the pretty boys, the drag queens.
Not usually a fan of politicians but our mayor gave a good speech and he said we couldn't stop the Christians from protesting. We could however, show we don't agree with their mentality. That Toronto is welcoming to everyone regardless of race, sex, religion or sexual orientation. That's the goal we are striving towards. But...you can't hurry love. I feel some compassion for them. I used to be in a place where anyone who didn't believe the same thing was a sinner and an outsider. It was a miserable place to be. I know for a fact a lot of people following those rules still miss me.
There was literally one cop on our side of the fence. We are not violent or aggressive but we will keep fighting until all of us are equal. I believe that day will come, where the hurting stops and love will win. :)
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 22 September 2019
Take your broken heart and turn it into art.
That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.
I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.
I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.
Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.
I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.
So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.
He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.
DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.
Sullivan out.
I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.
I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.
Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.
I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.
So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.
He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.
DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.
Sullivan out.
Saturday, 24 August 2019
The Truth About Love
Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK
It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.
Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.
We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?
C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?
I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.
Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.
The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.
Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)
Sullivan out.
It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.
Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.
We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?
C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?
I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.
Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.
The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.
Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 11 August 2019
Broken Arrow
"Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow, who else is going to bring you a bottle of rain?"
I shut down sometimes. I finally decided to put the pictures my grandma gave me in an album. Pictures of me mostly when I was a baby. My mother didn't want to keep them. Why remember someone who was nothing more than a mistake? Which I was. She was on contraception so she never wanted me in the first place. Then I became an apostate, not ideal.
She told me if she could do it again she never would have had kids.
Here I am. And it's taken half a lifetime to find something better. Find friends who love me no matter what comes, to find the right guy. He works all the time in the summer so I never see him. I was having a bad day yesterday. I went to bed. Got up this morning and there was a whole display of fruit and veggies on the table. He knows my go-to is to stop eating. So he bought me everything I actually would eat. After working a 12-hour shift. No one else would do that for me.
It's never perfect, could just be a broken arrow, but he turns the world around for me and makes me feel like I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be here. We all do.
But the first cut is the deepest. Baby I'll try to love again but I know...
Sullivan out.
I shut down sometimes. I finally decided to put the pictures my grandma gave me in an album. Pictures of me mostly when I was a baby. My mother didn't want to keep them. Why remember someone who was nothing more than a mistake? Which I was. She was on contraception so she never wanted me in the first place. Then I became an apostate, not ideal.
She told me if she could do it again she never would have had kids.
Here I am. And it's taken half a lifetime to find something better. Find friends who love me no matter what comes, to find the right guy. He works all the time in the summer so I never see him. I was having a bad day yesterday. I went to bed. Got up this morning and there was a whole display of fruit and veggies on the table. He knows my go-to is to stop eating. So he bought me everything I actually would eat. After working a 12-hour shift. No one else would do that for me.
It's never perfect, could just be a broken arrow, but he turns the world around for me and makes me feel like I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be here. We all do.
But the first cut is the deepest. Baby I'll try to love again but I know...
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 4 August 2019
#margauxandmax
Okay I'm putting out a quick one cause I have a busy day. My life is full of kids. Even though I don't actually have any.
For Christmas my Grandma sent me a great book. It was called how my dog saved me from myself. My uncle's dog just passed, rest his soul. I don't think we give our dogs enough credit. Kids are great too. They love you but then they don't sometimes, then they do, then they don't. I've had so many dogs in my family come and go over the years, but they all stay with you because no one ever loves you as much as a dog (except your Grandma).
I had a cat before and she was great. Not like the little spawn of Satan I somehow own now. But a dog is different. I swear 70% of the people in my hood know Max by name. Me? Maybe 20% of them know mine if I'm being generous. He's a happy (spoiled) dog and he just assumes everyone is in love with him because everyone is. I am a huge advocate of don't buy, rescue. Still, I didn't want Max.
I was going to the shelter a lot on the weekends, looking for a rescue. Some smaller, cuter dog. A city girl dog. One day a friend of a friend asked if I could babysit their 4 month old puppy. I said sure, cause that's the kind of girl I am. Then they ghosted me and I was here, looking at this way too big puppy trying to figure out what to do with him. I could drop him at the shelter. But then I'd never be allowed to rescue another animal from there, ever. It took me way too long to make up my mind and by that time, I was in love with this big goofy puppy.
He doesn't have a mean bone in his body but he's huge and thinks he's a lap dog. He loves to dance in the living room. The girls at work had an intervention for me one day, they wanted to talk to me about turning in my "abusive boyfriend". I was like these bruises are from a 70 lb puppy, not a boyfriend. I could take my boyfriend out if he were like that but he's nothing but kind :)
Max did save me from myself after all. We go everywhere together. I mostly only shop at dog friendly places. He knows every store in the hood that gives out dog cookies. He's had two jobs, where he basically just went to work in the morning and made everyone at the office/hair salon happy all day.
If our dogs were us, they'd be the best version of ourselves. There wouldn't be any wars or fighting or hurting each other with words. There would just be the best kind of love. It's sad that we get to live long lives and theirs are so much shorter. Maybe that's why they make the best of every minute of it.
Max, he's gotta always be in my bed at night, he needs to be in the middle of me and Jay, but on top of me. He smiles for no reason when he sits beside me. And everywhere we go, he makes people happy. He's never aggressive but a couple of years ago when I got sick, he became very protective. He barks now if someone comes to our door. Being a country girl, I never would have chosen a big dog in the city. Sometimes life doesn't give us a real choice. And sometimes that's a good thing.
I'm grateful every day for having him in my life. My dog has literally been my best friend, he saved me from myself. And to his cousin? Rest in Peace Willis. You were a good dog. xo
Sullivan out.
For Christmas my Grandma sent me a great book. It was called how my dog saved me from myself. My uncle's dog just passed, rest his soul. I don't think we give our dogs enough credit. Kids are great too. They love you but then they don't sometimes, then they do, then they don't. I've had so many dogs in my family come and go over the years, but they all stay with you because no one ever loves you as much as a dog (except your Grandma).
I had a cat before and she was great. Not like the little spawn of Satan I somehow own now. But a dog is different. I swear 70% of the people in my hood know Max by name. Me? Maybe 20% of them know mine if I'm being generous. He's a happy (spoiled) dog and he just assumes everyone is in love with him because everyone is. I am a huge advocate of don't buy, rescue. Still, I didn't want Max.
I was going to the shelter a lot on the weekends, looking for a rescue. Some smaller, cuter dog. A city girl dog. One day a friend of a friend asked if I could babysit their 4 month old puppy. I said sure, cause that's the kind of girl I am. Then they ghosted me and I was here, looking at this way too big puppy trying to figure out what to do with him. I could drop him at the shelter. But then I'd never be allowed to rescue another animal from there, ever. It took me way too long to make up my mind and by that time, I was in love with this big goofy puppy.
He doesn't have a mean bone in his body but he's huge and thinks he's a lap dog. He loves to dance in the living room. The girls at work had an intervention for me one day, they wanted to talk to me about turning in my "abusive boyfriend". I was like these bruises are from a 70 lb puppy, not a boyfriend. I could take my boyfriend out if he were like that but he's nothing but kind :)
Max did save me from myself after all. We go everywhere together. I mostly only shop at dog friendly places. He knows every store in the hood that gives out dog cookies. He's had two jobs, where he basically just went to work in the morning and made everyone at the office/hair salon happy all day.
If our dogs were us, they'd be the best version of ourselves. There wouldn't be any wars or fighting or hurting each other with words. There would just be the best kind of love. It's sad that we get to live long lives and theirs are so much shorter. Maybe that's why they make the best of every minute of it.
Max, he's gotta always be in my bed at night, he needs to be in the middle of me and Jay, but on top of me. He smiles for no reason when he sits beside me. And everywhere we go, he makes people happy. He's never aggressive but a couple of years ago when I got sick, he became very protective. He barks now if someone comes to our door. Being a country girl, I never would have chosen a big dog in the city. Sometimes life doesn't give us a real choice. And sometimes that's a good thing.
I'm grateful every day for having him in my life. My dog has literally been my best friend, he saved me from myself. And to his cousin? Rest in Peace Willis. You were a good dog. xo
Sullivan out.
Wednesday, 10 July 2019
Beautiful Trauma
The older you get the more you realize that your problems are not worse than anyone else's, just different. My guy always says "First World Problems, Margaux". He didn't exactly grow up here so he gets to say that.
I can't help but wonder though, can two broken people make one whole amazing person if they are together? Because we've all got our demons. I'm throwing the question out there but here's what I think: yes and no. We need to keep working on ourselves. Every day. If it's a bad day, go to bed and start over again tomorrow. Tomorrow is always new with no mistakes in it.
I don't believe though we're meant to go it alone in life. Whether it's a romantic partner, a best friend, a mentor or family, we need someone to be the mirror back to us. Because what we see in the mirror is not always accurate. Unless you're a millenial, it's probably self-defeating sometimes what you see when you look at yourself. (No hate for millenials but they think they are the shit.)
I'm a late bloomer. Took me a long time to realize the type of people I needed around me. I tried to go it alone for a long time because I couldn't figure it out. Then...I found people as perfectly imperfect as I was. Jay is my real mirror, him and my best girlfriends. We're honest with each other, we keep trying to improve and we make each other better. Together? I think we can be amazing and make something beautiful out of the ashes of our pasts. :)
Sullivan out.
I can't help but wonder though, can two broken people make one whole amazing person if they are together? Because we've all got our demons. I'm throwing the question out there but here's what I think: yes and no. We need to keep working on ourselves. Every day. If it's a bad day, go to bed and start over again tomorrow. Tomorrow is always new with no mistakes in it.
I don't believe though we're meant to go it alone in life. Whether it's a romantic partner, a best friend, a mentor or family, we need someone to be the mirror back to us. Because what we see in the mirror is not always accurate. Unless you're a millenial, it's probably self-defeating sometimes what you see when you look at yourself. (No hate for millenials but they think they are the shit.)
I'm a late bloomer. Took me a long time to realize the type of people I needed around me. I tried to go it alone for a long time because I couldn't figure it out. Then...I found people as perfectly imperfect as I was. Jay is my real mirror, him and my best girlfriends. We're honest with each other, we keep trying to improve and we make each other better. Together? I think we can be amazing and make something beautiful out of the ashes of our pasts. :)
Sullivan out.
Monday, 20 May 2019
Her Crazy is Beautiful
Of all people, Lindsay has finally decided she likes country music. I love it, but I live in Toronto now, no one likes country. She keeps sending me these songs. You should check out Luke Combs. He's got a lot of good songs but there's this one where he says she's crazy, not afraid to take chances, wears her heart on her sleeve. But her crazy is beautiful to him.
Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. I wear my heart on my sleeve, hell I have a tattoo of my mom and my sister on my arm (but they are birds). I've been through a lot. My partner calls me crazy but in a cute, loving way. Like he watches me talk to myself when I'm writing in my head and stay up all night to write papers for school and spend money buying flowers for a girlfriend when I think she needs them even though it means I only have $17 left in the bank after. And almost done an MBA but working for minimum wage in a flower shop.
I couldn't be more done with corporate, so I'm learning the ropes on how to start my own business. I've taken big chances in the past but I did it alone. He supports me. He just wants me to be happy. It makes a huge difference.
I have this friend from home who lives in Halifax and we always talk about how most people in Toronto kinda suck. But I've been lucky here. I've met the best and the worst people. The best ones have stuck around despite anything I've gone through. I adopted my dog and two cats since I've been here. I made lifelong friends. I have these little "nieces" and "nephews" who make up for the fact I never got to have kids.
Awhile ago I thought about moving home, but there's not really anything left for me there. Now I go to the country on the weekends with my boss so it's a perfect mix. My husband/boyfriend is not the jealous type, neither of us are, so he encourages me to go away because he works all weekend anyways. Max and I come home so tired and happy from the fresh air and wide open spaces. If I'm lucky I get to pick moss for the flower shop and dig trenches to plant peonies and make all the veggies for bbqs.
Lindsay says I'm such a hippy, I love everyone and that's why I cry sometimes. It's true I love all the people from my past life but the people I love most are the ones who have stuck with me through the crazy times. I'm very grateful. :)
They all say there's someone out there for everyone. If you are very very lucky you find that person and more and they all love your crazy and find you beautiful despite it. :)
Sullivan out.
Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. I wear my heart on my sleeve, hell I have a tattoo of my mom and my sister on my arm (but they are birds). I've been through a lot. My partner calls me crazy but in a cute, loving way. Like he watches me talk to myself when I'm writing in my head and stay up all night to write papers for school and spend money buying flowers for a girlfriend when I think she needs them even though it means I only have $17 left in the bank after. And almost done an MBA but working for minimum wage in a flower shop.
I couldn't be more done with corporate, so I'm learning the ropes on how to start my own business. I've taken big chances in the past but I did it alone. He supports me. He just wants me to be happy. It makes a huge difference.
I have this friend from home who lives in Halifax and we always talk about how most people in Toronto kinda suck. But I've been lucky here. I've met the best and the worst people. The best ones have stuck around despite anything I've gone through. I adopted my dog and two cats since I've been here. I made lifelong friends. I have these little "nieces" and "nephews" who make up for the fact I never got to have kids.
Awhile ago I thought about moving home, but there's not really anything left for me there. Now I go to the country on the weekends with my boss so it's a perfect mix. My husband/boyfriend is not the jealous type, neither of us are, so he encourages me to go away because he works all weekend anyways. Max and I come home so tired and happy from the fresh air and wide open spaces. If I'm lucky I get to pick moss for the flower shop and dig trenches to plant peonies and make all the veggies for bbqs.
Lindsay says I'm such a hippy, I love everyone and that's why I cry sometimes. It's true I love all the people from my past life but the people I love most are the ones who have stuck with me through the crazy times. I'm very grateful. :)
They all say there's someone out there for everyone. If you are very very lucky you find that person and more and they all love your crazy and find you beautiful despite it. :)
Sullivan out.
Thursday, 16 May 2019
The Unwanted Visitor
I can't make any promises about not writing about this again a few times before June. It's my 10 year out of the cult into the real world anniversary coming up. I feel really good these days. My friends say I look great again, not the way I used to, all skinny and sick. I can honestly say I'm happy.
I feel like Margaux 2.0, just ten years older and a bit more weathered. That doesn't mean however that I won't have relapses. I've been through a lot of change this past year. I feel it's helping me grow, but people worry about me when I feel down. My therapist says that once you've been through a major depression it's prone to re-visit.
Sometimes something triggers it, sometimes it's just being tired, sad or frustrated. Sometimes it's because I really miss someone I've lost. I've learned coping skills on how to move ahead when that happens, but that doesn't mean it will stop it from happening once in awhile.
The reason I speak out about it is I feel I'm helping people by breaking the stigma. We could tuck it away in the closet and pretend we're fine all the time but I think that's what makes people crazy. Now my go-to is: Let it out. Cry. Spend a whole day wallowing if you need to. Take a nap. Watch something fun on Netflix. Then wipe your eyes and get up tomorrow knowing it's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. Depression Lies. Tell your unwanted visitor his time is up and he has to leave now.
I've always been a tiny (huge) bit dramatic and that's what us writers and artists are, aren't we? I don't think I'm that dramatic anymore because I feel safe and secure, but I still have those days when I need to focus on self-care. We were going out the other night to watch the Raptors play. On the way there Jay was like "Who's my crazy girl? You are. But you're MY crazy girl". He's right. I can be crazy. I'll go out for a walk and come home with a puppy or a kitten or someone who needs to crash on our couch indefinitely.
At the end of the day, it's refreshing to have someone who loves me not because were in the same cult or they're trying to control what I do, but because they think I deserve to be loved. Who sits with me when I cry sometimes. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and always says "we got this". Who helps me lock the door when my unwanted visitor comes calling. Who shows me I'm so much more than just someone who was raised in a cult, abandoned by most family and friends, who deals with depression every now and then.
This is real love and I know it doesn't happen every day. Whatever you're going through, there are people are out there who will love you regardless. Find your people. You have the power, you just have to believe in that for yourself. The sun is shining again and ps. get a dog :)
If you can't love yourself how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an Amen? *RuPaul
Sullivan out.
I feel like Margaux 2.0, just ten years older and a bit more weathered. That doesn't mean however that I won't have relapses. I've been through a lot of change this past year. I feel it's helping me grow, but people worry about me when I feel down. My therapist says that once you've been through a major depression it's prone to re-visit.
Sometimes something triggers it, sometimes it's just being tired, sad or frustrated. Sometimes it's because I really miss someone I've lost. I've learned coping skills on how to move ahead when that happens, but that doesn't mean it will stop it from happening once in awhile.
The reason I speak out about it is I feel I'm helping people by breaking the stigma. We could tuck it away in the closet and pretend we're fine all the time but I think that's what makes people crazy. Now my go-to is: Let it out. Cry. Spend a whole day wallowing if you need to. Take a nap. Watch something fun on Netflix. Then wipe your eyes and get up tomorrow knowing it's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. Depression Lies. Tell your unwanted visitor his time is up and he has to leave now.
I've always been a tiny (huge) bit dramatic and that's what us writers and artists are, aren't we? I don't think I'm that dramatic anymore because I feel safe and secure, but I still have those days when I need to focus on self-care. We were going out the other night to watch the Raptors play. On the way there Jay was like "Who's my crazy girl? You are. But you're MY crazy girl". He's right. I can be crazy. I'll go out for a walk and come home with a puppy or a kitten or someone who needs to crash on our couch indefinitely.
At the end of the day, it's refreshing to have someone who loves me not because were in the same cult or they're trying to control what I do, but because they think I deserve to be loved. Who sits with me when I cry sometimes. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and always says "we got this". Who helps me lock the door when my unwanted visitor comes calling. Who shows me I'm so much more than just someone who was raised in a cult, abandoned by most family and friends, who deals with depression every now and then.
This is real love and I know it doesn't happen every day. Whatever you're going through, there are people are out there who will love you regardless. Find your people. You have the power, you just have to believe in that for yourself. The sun is shining again and ps. get a dog :)
If you can't love yourself how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an Amen? *RuPaul
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 12 May 2019
It's a Mad World
I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.
But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)
Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.
I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.
After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.
I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.
She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.
I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.
What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.
Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.
I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)
Sullivan out.
But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)
Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.
I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.
After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.
I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.
She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.
I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.
What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.
Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.
I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)
Sullivan out.
Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business.
Thursday, 25 April 2019
Ready to Run
When I got married, I knew I'd get divorced. My dad was walking me down the aisle and before we started he was like, we don't have to do this. We have a car outside. We can just leave. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
One of my favorite ex boyfriends used to call me "Little Flight Risk". He was a great guy. Wanted to marry me and have kids. Been there, done that. Not the having kids part but the wanting to.
I've become famous for leaving jobs. A friend called me the other day, he was like, just checking in. Wanted to see if you still had a job.
It's difficult to trust anyone when you've lost everyone. I really don't think I'm cut out to be a corporate Bay Street bitch anymore, so I think I'll just open a flower shop and put that MBA to good use. :)
The guy I'm with now? Oh, he's not my type. And how many times have I run away? I can't count. But. The other night I was freaking out because I was writing a paper and my printer stopped working. I'm old school and I cannot work on the internet. I needed my paper copies of all these studies I'm analyzing. So he went to an internet cafe (yes those still exist apparently) at 1 am and printed them all off. He won't let me quit my MBA (I have one course left so that would be stupid) but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. He always tells me to just go back to the flower shop and learn as much as I can from my boss and we'll figure out how to get our own thing going.
Sounds good to me. On one hand, I'm like where exactly was all this acceptance, support and love when I was growing up? On the other hand, I finally found it.
Yesterday was his birthday and I always think a birthday is a new beginning. If I were him, I'd start the new year by kicking me to the curb, but he hasn't so I'm pretty sure we're end game. I have loved very deeply in the past. While I still try to be a good person, I also try not to love too much because it always ends up hurting me. Before that happens, I run away. There is however something to be said for sticking it out.
Oh, the perils of self-improvement. This time I'm not leaving because it's worth the work to stay. Dammit. Guess I'm just finally in the right place. To quote RuPaul (which I never do) "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you ever gonna love someone else? Can I get an Amen!" Amen.
Sullivan out.
One of my favorite ex boyfriends used to call me "Little Flight Risk". He was a great guy. Wanted to marry me and have kids. Been there, done that. Not the having kids part but the wanting to.
I've become famous for leaving jobs. A friend called me the other day, he was like, just checking in. Wanted to see if you still had a job.
It's difficult to trust anyone when you've lost everyone. I really don't think I'm cut out to be a corporate Bay Street bitch anymore, so I think I'll just open a flower shop and put that MBA to good use. :)
The guy I'm with now? Oh, he's not my type. And how many times have I run away? I can't count. But. The other night I was freaking out because I was writing a paper and my printer stopped working. I'm old school and I cannot work on the internet. I needed my paper copies of all these studies I'm analyzing. So he went to an internet cafe (yes those still exist apparently) at 1 am and printed them all off. He won't let me quit my MBA (I have one course left so that would be stupid) but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. He always tells me to just go back to the flower shop and learn as much as I can from my boss and we'll figure out how to get our own thing going.
Sounds good to me. On one hand, I'm like where exactly was all this acceptance, support and love when I was growing up? On the other hand, I finally found it.
Yesterday was his birthday and I always think a birthday is a new beginning. If I were him, I'd start the new year by kicking me to the curb, but he hasn't so I'm pretty sure we're end game. I have loved very deeply in the past. While I still try to be a good person, I also try not to love too much because it always ends up hurting me. Before that happens, I run away. There is however something to be said for sticking it out.
Oh, the perils of self-improvement. This time I'm not leaving because it's worth the work to stay. Dammit. Guess I'm just finally in the right place. To quote RuPaul (which I never do) "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you ever gonna love someone else? Can I get an Amen!" Amen.
Sullivan out.
Friday, 12 April 2019
Life will be the death of me...
...and you. At this point Chelsea Handler should be paying me to plug her book. But it really is a great title. I'm all about the titles takes me longer to pick one than writing a blog.
So y'all know I'm brutal truth like she is just a little more lady like. What saves people like us is a sense of humour. This past week I was trying to cheer up a friend going through a rough time. But her close friend was too. My best friend says I'm hilarious because no matter what life throws at me I'm always doing triage on all my friends. So we call. And call. And text. She will not pick up. When she finally does, she says I'm not suicidal I just don't want to live anymore. That was the funniest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. So we laughed like real bring tears to your eyes laughter.
You're not allowed to laugh if you've never dealt with depression. I'm a huge mental health advocate I think I've had seven maybe eight therapists? One guy has always been THE ONE. Then this guy in Nova Scotia is my number two. If you've been through it, you know someone can make that comment and it's funny.
The good thing about life is we're all like the ocean. Or maybe just us Pisces. It comes in waves. And I'm on top of a wave right now and maybe next time it'll be me saying something so real. One of us is always on top of the wave in a lifeboat. Our roles go back and forth. But we get to shore together.
End of the day, I believe in women helping each other because we understand each other. Sometimes you meet a good guy who tries to be part of the solution. Who built that lifeboat I pick people out of the water from? It's the nicest guy I ever met. Who cares about my family and friends even if he gets nothing in return. He would open his wallet and take the shirt off his back for anyone who needed it.
I have felt like my friend does now.
I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to live anymore. Look hard enough though, and there's always a reason to get up the next morning. For me it's my boyfriend/man-friend/husband/life partner/lover/whatever you want to call him, my dog, my grandma, my beautiful niece, my friends, my studies, my books...the people who read what I write the list goes on...I have so much to be grateful for.
We aren't getting out of here alive. Might as well be real, be honest, live well, die well. I tip my hat to Chelsea for writing such an honest book.
All of us are Game of Thrones cult kids. So I deflected. I was like new season starts Sunday lets make a deadline and place our bets on who will take the Throne. And you know what? We all had tons of laughs and made it through the last few days on text message and video calls.
I think she feels better.
It's that easy to be an ally to someone suffering from depression. Don't tell them they are being too emotional, make them laugh. When I've gone through it in the past, Jay always says "we got this". Knowing someone has your back even if it's possible your character will kill their character in the final season of games makes you keep fighting. Cause you have backup. Him and I? We dress up like I'm Uma and he's one of the crazy 88s every Halloween (Kill Bill) we kinda look like them in the movie. So we are basically trying to kill each other once a year. People cheer at us on the street and yell KILL BILL! because it's actually really funny and yes that yellow jumpsuit cost me a lot but was totally worth it to never ever have to wear heels on Halloween.
Then we live to see another day. Except you girls are all going down in this final Season. I'm taking the Throne. :)
I never do this anymore but here's your "Friday morning life is good" song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDcTyyXQb8
"People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one, and we've just begun.. Even though we aint got money I'm so in love with you hunny. Everything is going to be alright. Everything will bring a chain of love. Now I see a family where there once was none." Good song. We haven't just begun. We've been up and down this road for almost a decade. This time is different. Lindsay says I love everyone and I do, but I'm through with the game. Life led me back to him. From now on...I love Jay more than anyone except Max and Grandma. And now I have a niece. And a family. He's end game, this life. I believed love never dies, but it does and then eventually like spring it starts again. New. We re-wrote the stars because we are not supposed to end up together.
This guy will build me as many lifeboats as I need so we're all okay until life is the death of us :)
Sullivan (Snow/the Bride) out. If you've never watched those shows you won't get the reference.
So y'all know I'm brutal truth like she is just a little more lady like. What saves people like us is a sense of humour. This past week I was trying to cheer up a friend going through a rough time. But her close friend was too. My best friend says I'm hilarious because no matter what life throws at me I'm always doing triage on all my friends. So we call. And call. And text. She will not pick up. When she finally does, she says I'm not suicidal I just don't want to live anymore. That was the funniest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. So we laughed like real bring tears to your eyes laughter.
You're not allowed to laugh if you've never dealt with depression. I'm a huge mental health advocate I think I've had seven maybe eight therapists? One guy has always been THE ONE. Then this guy in Nova Scotia is my number two. If you've been through it, you know someone can make that comment and it's funny.
The good thing about life is we're all like the ocean. Or maybe just us Pisces. It comes in waves. And I'm on top of a wave right now and maybe next time it'll be me saying something so real. One of us is always on top of the wave in a lifeboat. Our roles go back and forth. But we get to shore together.
End of the day, I believe in women helping each other because we understand each other. Sometimes you meet a good guy who tries to be part of the solution. Who built that lifeboat I pick people out of the water from? It's the nicest guy I ever met. Who cares about my family and friends even if he gets nothing in return. He would open his wallet and take the shirt off his back for anyone who needed it.
I have felt like my friend does now.
I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to live anymore. Look hard enough though, and there's always a reason to get up the next morning. For me it's my boyfriend/man-friend/husband/life partner/lover/whatever you want to call him, my dog, my grandma, my beautiful niece, my friends, my studies, my books...the people who read what I write the list goes on...I have so much to be grateful for.
We aren't getting out of here alive. Might as well be real, be honest, live well, die well. I tip my hat to Chelsea for writing such an honest book.
All of us are Game of Thrones cult kids. So I deflected. I was like new season starts Sunday lets make a deadline and place our bets on who will take the Throne. And you know what? We all had tons of laughs and made it through the last few days on text message and video calls.
I think she feels better.
It's that easy to be an ally to someone suffering from depression. Don't tell them they are being too emotional, make them laugh. When I've gone through it in the past, Jay always says "we got this". Knowing someone has your back even if it's possible your character will kill their character in the final season of games makes you keep fighting. Cause you have backup. Him and I? We dress up like I'm Uma and he's one of the crazy 88s every Halloween (Kill Bill) we kinda look like them in the movie. So we are basically trying to kill each other once a year. People cheer at us on the street and yell KILL BILL! because it's actually really funny and yes that yellow jumpsuit cost me a lot but was totally worth it to never ever have to wear heels on Halloween.
Then we live to see another day. Except you girls are all going down in this final Season. I'm taking the Throne. :)
I never do this anymore but here's your "Friday morning life is good" song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDcTyyXQb8
"People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one, and we've just begun.. Even though we aint got money I'm so in love with you hunny. Everything is going to be alright. Everything will bring a chain of love. Now I see a family where there once was none." Good song. We haven't just begun. We've been up and down this road for almost a decade. This time is different. Lindsay says I love everyone and I do, but I'm through with the game. Life led me back to him. From now on...I love Jay more than anyone except Max and Grandma. And now I have a niece. And a family. He's end game, this life. I believed love never dies, but it does and then eventually like spring it starts again. New. We re-wrote the stars because we are not supposed to end up together.
This guy will build me as many lifeboats as I need so we're all okay until life is the death of us :)
Sullivan (Snow/the Bride) out. If you've never watched those shows you won't get the reference.
Saturday, 30 March 2019
Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness of Being Happy
I feel sorry for millenials. All true forms of art seem to be dying off with our childhood heroes. And we're not kidding anyone, we came way before the millenials. Bowie, Prince, Michael Jackson *oh yah i totally went there* everyone who has ever written a book worth reading? Dead. Except Margaret Atwood and I have some suspicions that she's actually dead pretending to be alive, I met her (she's dead). I was looking at books at a book store the other day. They had roughly drawn stick pictures in them. I'm like this make the New York Times? *she shakes her head* and remembers she has overdue library books.
I'm as much to blame as anyone else. Everyone is like, you're a writer? Yes. You have a book? Yes. Is it hidden in some secret file on my computer that I intent to leave a letter with the instructions on how to find it with Jay for when I die? Yes.
When I get upset, I don't say, I'm feeling conflicted. I need to take some time to figure out the most positive course of action. One that will enable me and those I care for to successfully navigate this situation and ensure the best possible outcome.
I send my best a friend a text that says "FML". While I truly love the eff word deeply, I'm not using my better words anymore.
You know what's a great word? Melancholy.
On that note, I tolerate my MBA, with only one course left after this one, I don't care anymore. I'm struggling to figure out why I cared in the first place. All that time and money. Will those three little letters after my name change anything? NO. Life doesn't care if you are smarter than someone else. The jdubs discourage education which is why I went ALL THE WAY. What I learned was I was always this smart and now I've spent so much money just to prove it to other people, who let's be honest, don't give a fuck.
Charisma, courage, passion, those are what you should do an MBA in. I'm so bored with myself, I don't know how other people even put up with me. Like let me help you with your marketing strategy, throw me a math problem I can't solve or a business I can't turn around by working your assets and assessing your balance sheets. Boring.
Today, I am definitely supposed to be writing a paper. Instead? I lure my boyfriend/manfriend/lifepartner/husband whatever you want to call him to kensignton market so I can buy sage to burn all the negative energy out of our place and get new earrings. I really just wanted to go to Blackbird Baking and Courage my Love and all the places that stole all the best names.
Then we got Vietnamese food and we're running late. So I'm like just drop me off at the market (the other market) cause Ken would would be very upset if I didn't show on a Saturday. Dudes there alone. I'm like where's Robin? She couldn't work. I've offered 17 million times to work for free on the weekends. I jump behind the cash and start ringing people in and packaging flowers. Sweep the floors and take out the garbage. Yes, I love my marketing job. Yes, I'm somewhat important. You cannot however compete for working in a flower shop for minimum wage. I was so lucky I got to do that. Coming home and your whole place smells like beauty and hope.
Some guy was saying shit about our green roses which are actually my favorite and I wanted to punch him. That's your passion, charisma and courage. But the customer is always right. I have an MBA bud. These green ish roses are amazing and by the way, I know your girlfriend and in her culture those white ones mean death and she believes it. Have fun with buying those. :)
Life is more fun when it's fun. Bur damn tomorrow I gotta stop breathing in the flowers and write that paper. Finish line is in sight. Hey, I still remember how to use my words so I'm betting on that to get me through to the other side. My massage therapist is like why do you hate yourself so much? Your body doesn't like you. You'll probably come in here next time saying you're doing your PhD. NO EFFING WAY. Thanks for looking out for me though Craig. :)
PS. I get over this, I might do my PhD, (I'm so so so sorry Jay) cause I've always thought I'd be a great therapist. But definitely a long enough break is planned where I will be the best partner and dog mom and make up for this MBA mess.
Sullivan out.
I'm as much to blame as anyone else. Everyone is like, you're a writer? Yes. You have a book? Yes. Is it hidden in some secret file on my computer that I intent to leave a letter with the instructions on how to find it with Jay for when I die? Yes.
When I get upset, I don't say, I'm feeling conflicted. I need to take some time to figure out the most positive course of action. One that will enable me and those I care for to successfully navigate this situation and ensure the best possible outcome.
I send my best a friend a text that says "FML". While I truly love the eff word deeply, I'm not using my better words anymore.
You know what's a great word? Melancholy.
On that note, I tolerate my MBA, with only one course left after this one, I don't care anymore. I'm struggling to figure out why I cared in the first place. All that time and money. Will those three little letters after my name change anything? NO. Life doesn't care if you are smarter than someone else. The jdubs discourage education which is why I went ALL THE WAY. What I learned was I was always this smart and now I've spent so much money just to prove it to other people, who let's be honest, don't give a fuck.
Charisma, courage, passion, those are what you should do an MBA in. I'm so bored with myself, I don't know how other people even put up with me. Like let me help you with your marketing strategy, throw me a math problem I can't solve or a business I can't turn around by working your assets and assessing your balance sheets. Boring.
Today, I am definitely supposed to be writing a paper. Instead? I lure my boyfriend/manfriend/lifepartner/husband whatever you want to call him to kensignton market so I can buy sage to burn all the negative energy out of our place and get new earrings. I really just wanted to go to Blackbird Baking and Courage my Love and all the places that stole all the best names.
Then we got Vietnamese food and we're running late. So I'm like just drop me off at the market (the other market) cause Ken would would be very upset if I didn't show on a Saturday. Dudes there alone. I'm like where's Robin? She couldn't work. I've offered 17 million times to work for free on the weekends. I jump behind the cash and start ringing people in and packaging flowers. Sweep the floors and take out the garbage. Yes, I love my marketing job. Yes, I'm somewhat important. You cannot however compete for working in a flower shop for minimum wage. I was so lucky I got to do that. Coming home and your whole place smells like beauty and hope.
Some guy was saying shit about our green roses which are actually my favorite and I wanted to punch him. That's your passion, charisma and courage. But the customer is always right. I have an MBA bud. These green ish roses are amazing and by the way, I know your girlfriend and in her culture those white ones mean death and she believes it. Have fun with buying those. :)
Life is more fun when it's fun. Bur damn tomorrow I gotta stop breathing in the flowers and write that paper. Finish line is in sight. Hey, I still remember how to use my words so I'm betting on that to get me through to the other side. My massage therapist is like why do you hate yourself so much? Your body doesn't like you. You'll probably come in here next time saying you're doing your PhD. NO EFFING WAY. Thanks for looking out for me though Craig. :)
PS. I get over this, I might do my PhD, (I'm so so so sorry Jay) cause I've always thought I'd be a great therapist. But definitely a long enough break is planned where I will be the best partner and dog mom and make up for this MBA mess.
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 24 March 2019
This is about Nothing.
well it's happened. i feel like i need to write, but i have nothing to say. not entirely true, i have lots of things to say. but there are thing i protect and won't talk about, like family and friends. unless it's positive. if you want to know who in my family has the worst secrets (and it's a toss up, spoiler alert!) you'll have to wait for the book, which will only be published after i die. :)
speaking of death, jay was amazed last night to hear i'd already planned every detail if max's funeral. hey, he's a big dog, he's not doing to live forever. i've planned my funeral, why shouldn't i plan his? his is going to be so much cuter than mine. when all you do is work and study sometimes your mind wanders.
i'm a planner. i figure i feel too much, been through too much. i'm a pisces, so whatever you feel about anything, double that, add in some drama and then double it again. if max just dropped dead they'd probably have to put me in a psych ward. he is the best thing that ever happened to me. that homeless helpless huge puppy. i always call him my love because he is. with my funeral no one is coming. (except a very small guest list, you're probably not on it and i've paid jay to get bouncers.) max though, is everyone's dog and it would be selfish of me not to share the grief this time. so i plan it now, halfway thorough his life and i get 5 years to come to peace with it. which we all know i never will but at least i'll be better prepared.
turns out, both my "kids" are almost exactly me. max is having a sleepover party tonight so i'm home alone with rosie. she kinda scares me. if max exudes the please love me, i'll do anything for you side of me, rosie is the other side of the bed. hey, i know how to stand up for myself and i've been doing it for years. that's why y'all love me right? i've done the brave honest thing till it hurt. rosie takes it one step further. i could learn a thing or two from that tiny little kitten. jay says rosies' go-to is: lick, lick, BITE. she's your friend. until she's not. then she makes you bleed. for all my friends with kids, this excludes children, she respects them and would never bite your child. please don't be afraid to come over.
in the end, she spends a lot of time in her cage. she'll scratch until you bleed, then go pee on your bed. she'll eat your flowers just because she knows you love them more than anything else in the home. stuff you don't care about? she'll never touch it. but she WILL destroy your roses. the cage never teaches her a lesson. it's almost like she likes it in there, quiet time alone to contemplate how she'll take over the world. she becomes totally calm. it's disturbing. she is however very loving and loyal to her half-life partner (cause cats never die) max.
at the end of the day, all i can say is thank the universe i have a boyfriend / man-friend/ lover/ husband/ best friend whatever you want to call him, who would notice i was missing if i died and come find me before rosie ate half my face because i wasn't able to feed her. this whole blog is very morbid but if you were in my messed up head, you'd think it's really funny. i'm laughing :)
sullivan out.
speaking of death, jay was amazed last night to hear i'd already planned every detail if max's funeral. hey, he's a big dog, he's not doing to live forever. i've planned my funeral, why shouldn't i plan his? his is going to be so much cuter than mine. when all you do is work and study sometimes your mind wanders.
i'm a planner. i figure i feel too much, been through too much. i'm a pisces, so whatever you feel about anything, double that, add in some drama and then double it again. if max just dropped dead they'd probably have to put me in a psych ward. he is the best thing that ever happened to me. that homeless helpless huge puppy. i always call him my love because he is. with my funeral no one is coming. (except a very small guest list, you're probably not on it and i've paid jay to get bouncers.) max though, is everyone's dog and it would be selfish of me not to share the grief this time. so i plan it now, halfway thorough his life and i get 5 years to come to peace with it. which we all know i never will but at least i'll be better prepared.
turns out, both my "kids" are almost exactly me. max is having a sleepover party tonight so i'm home alone with rosie. she kinda scares me. if max exudes the please love me, i'll do anything for you side of me, rosie is the other side of the bed. hey, i know how to stand up for myself and i've been doing it for years. that's why y'all love me right? i've done the brave honest thing till it hurt. rosie takes it one step further. i could learn a thing or two from that tiny little kitten. jay says rosies' go-to is: lick, lick, BITE. she's your friend. until she's not. then she makes you bleed. for all my friends with kids, this excludes children, she respects them and would never bite your child. please don't be afraid to come over.
in the end, she spends a lot of time in her cage. she'll scratch until you bleed, then go pee on your bed. she'll eat your flowers just because she knows you love them more than anything else in the home. stuff you don't care about? she'll never touch it. but she WILL destroy your roses. the cage never teaches her a lesson. it's almost like she likes it in there, quiet time alone to contemplate how she'll take over the world. she becomes totally calm. it's disturbing. she is however very loving and loyal to her half-life partner (cause cats never die) max.
at the end of the day, all i can say is thank the universe i have a boyfriend / man-friend/ lover/ husband/ best friend whatever you want to call him, who would notice i was missing if i died and come find me before rosie ate half my face because i wasn't able to feed her. this whole blog is very morbid but if you were in my messed up head, you'd think it's really funny. i'm laughing :)
sullivan out.
Saturday, 16 March 2019
Everything Must Go
We're coming up on my ten year anniversary. Another couple of months and that will be that. Sex and the City always says it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. Using that equation, I still have some time to go before being finally over the JWs.
But ten years isn't bad. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my life. I read Leah Remini's book last weekend and good on her. She's a celebrity so she can reach way more people than I can and she's getting the word out there. Cults are bad. End of story.
This world is crazy and it's just getting crazier. Trump ... what can I say? That guy in New Zealand reveres him. What that guy did to that community? There are no words. New Zealand is right though. Love always wins over hate, eventually. Maybe we'll never get to a place where it is open and common, but there's enough of us who want to get there, we'll die trying.
I pride myself on love over hate, but I did hate the Jdubs. Hate isn't a strong enough word for how I felt. Not just for me and everyone else they've affected but for what I lost. Maybe they aren't as bad as the Scientologists but I do believe all cults are essentially the same. They use the same mind control techniques. Maybe those guys do take people into secret places and physically torture them. What the JWs do is enough mental, emotional and spiritual torture though to make you take yourself to those dark places and beat yourself to death. Literally.
What was I without them? At least Leah's family chose her over the cult. My mom, my sister, what was I without being that safe harbour for my family every time someone fucked up and needed to start over? Needed money, needed a place to live, needed someone to talk to. What was I without my purpose in life "saving" all those people who didn't know they needed Jehovah? What was I without my tall handsome husband? All my psycho morals. Without being an elders wife? Without sacrificing anything and everything I wanted to contribute to the greater good?
I'll tell you what I was. All of that stripped away? I was nothing.
Less than nothing. I was negative nothing.
I'm not even supposed to be here anymore, which is why I wake up every day so grateful for life. I had to learn an unforgettable lesson. You can take a broken, beat up heart and turn it around. Without resorting to weapons and hurting innocent people like that guy did. You're a disaster, that's on you. Maybe there were people who put you there, it's a delicate balance. I have the utmost respect for people who survive trauma and abuse. Maybe you can go through that destructive phase, or maybe you're better than that (I'm not) and don't need to. If you do go through that, hurt yourself, not other people. Even though, as I know well, when you hurt yourself you hurt the people who love you. If you're super lucky, they're still there when you turn it around and prouder of you than ever for doing that.
I care about my job, I probably have the best job now that I'll ever have. I'm almost done an MBA, but I know those things on their own are not what makes you happy on the inside. I remember the day my new life really started. I was alone for a year. When they kicked me out I had NO friends. Cults set it up that way so you can never leave. I lived with my brother that year but he's "challenged" when it comes to caring about anyone other than himself so I was alone.
One day, things changed. I went to a holiday lunch at work. I sat next to this girl who struck up a conversation. She told me later that after that, she just decided after that we were going to be friends. She's gay, so JW Margaux could never have been her friend. We're so judge-y. But I was desperate. It taught me that if someone could decide consciously to love me in the state I was in then, I had have been wrong my whole life in how I judged people. Trust me, if you're not JW and one of them is nice to you, they are trying to convert you. There are no outside friends.
Almost nine years later besides Jay, she's still my best friend. She's my rock star, she got married and had two kids. I'm still of the opinion, if it ain't broke, don't marry it. And kids seem like a lot of work. I'll never say never though.
Her and Jay? They're both insane and decided they were going to love me before I decided I was gonna love me. I swear to the Universe, I wouldn't be here today without Liz and Jay. I was ready to give up so many times, but they wouldn't let me. The first time it was Liz, broke into my apartment and saved me from myself. Last time, it was Jay. I was so ready for it to just be over. But he looked so sad about it, even though I was so happy, that I was like fine, I'll get better then. There were lots of times between the first and the last, but that's over now.
You let everything go of everything, and magically, you finally get everything you ever wanted. So, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation to me, trust your gut and these new people you don't trust yet and hand the wheel to someone else. They will get you home safe.
By the way, I know who I am now. I'm still not the girl who hates people. I still love as much as I used to. I do however, know my boundaries. If you don't hear from me for a week cause I'm at work and studying and being alone with my dog reading books, don't take it personally. I'm good at the things I do. I'm educated now, and if any cults come knocking, I'm not interested.
I like this picture. I'm wearing the necklace my grandma got me for my birthday. I'm looking at Jay. He thinks it's the saddest thing in the world I didn't have holidays growing up in the cult and he tries to make them all so special to make up for that. I always say no cake, he always gets a cake.
Leah says in her book that people try to understand but unless you've been raised in a cult, you don't really understand. She's goddamn right. You don't. But there are people who try to understand you, that's much more work for them so appreciate it. Pray for ones we lose. Make your life matter. Let your voice be heard. Never forget, every day, we're lucky if we're still here. :)
Sullivan out.
But ten years isn't bad. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my life. I read Leah Remini's book last weekend and good on her. She's a celebrity so she can reach way more people than I can and she's getting the word out there. Cults are bad. End of story.
This world is crazy and it's just getting crazier. Trump ... what can I say? That guy in New Zealand reveres him. What that guy did to that community? There are no words. New Zealand is right though. Love always wins over hate, eventually. Maybe we'll never get to a place where it is open and common, but there's enough of us who want to get there, we'll die trying.
I pride myself on love over hate, but I did hate the Jdubs. Hate isn't a strong enough word for how I felt. Not just for me and everyone else they've affected but for what I lost. Maybe they aren't as bad as the Scientologists but I do believe all cults are essentially the same. They use the same mind control techniques. Maybe those guys do take people into secret places and physically torture them. What the JWs do is enough mental, emotional and spiritual torture though to make you take yourself to those dark places and beat yourself to death. Literally.
What was I without them? At least Leah's family chose her over the cult. My mom, my sister, what was I without being that safe harbour for my family every time someone fucked up and needed to start over? Needed money, needed a place to live, needed someone to talk to. What was I without my purpose in life "saving" all those people who didn't know they needed Jehovah? What was I without my tall handsome husband? All my psycho morals. Without being an elders wife? Without sacrificing anything and everything I wanted to contribute to the greater good?
I'll tell you what I was. All of that stripped away? I was nothing.
Less than nothing. I was negative nothing.
I'm not even supposed to be here anymore, which is why I wake up every day so grateful for life. I had to learn an unforgettable lesson. You can take a broken, beat up heart and turn it around. Without resorting to weapons and hurting innocent people like that guy did. You're a disaster, that's on you. Maybe there were people who put you there, it's a delicate balance. I have the utmost respect for people who survive trauma and abuse. Maybe you can go through that destructive phase, or maybe you're better than that (I'm not) and don't need to. If you do go through that, hurt yourself, not other people. Even though, as I know well, when you hurt yourself you hurt the people who love you. If you're super lucky, they're still there when you turn it around and prouder of you than ever for doing that.
I care about my job, I probably have the best job now that I'll ever have. I'm almost done an MBA, but I know those things on their own are not what makes you happy on the inside. I remember the day my new life really started. I was alone for a year. When they kicked me out I had NO friends. Cults set it up that way so you can never leave. I lived with my brother that year but he's "challenged" when it comes to caring about anyone other than himself so I was alone.
One day, things changed. I went to a holiday lunch at work. I sat next to this girl who struck up a conversation. She told me later that after that, she just decided after that we were going to be friends. She's gay, so JW Margaux could never have been her friend. We're so judge-y. But I was desperate. It taught me that if someone could decide consciously to love me in the state I was in then, I had have been wrong my whole life in how I judged people. Trust me, if you're not JW and one of them is nice to you, they are trying to convert you. There are no outside friends.
Almost nine years later besides Jay, she's still my best friend. She's my rock star, she got married and had two kids. I'm still of the opinion, if it ain't broke, don't marry it. And kids seem like a lot of work. I'll never say never though.
Her and Jay? They're both insane and decided they were going to love me before I decided I was gonna love me. I swear to the Universe, I wouldn't be here today without Liz and Jay. I was ready to give up so many times, but they wouldn't let me. The first time it was Liz, broke into my apartment and saved me from myself. Last time, it was Jay. I was so ready for it to just be over. But he looked so sad about it, even though I was so happy, that I was like fine, I'll get better then. There were lots of times between the first and the last, but that's over now.
You let everything go of everything, and magically, you finally get everything you ever wanted. So, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation to me, trust your gut and these new people you don't trust yet and hand the wheel to someone else. They will get you home safe.
By the way, I know who I am now. I'm still not the girl who hates people. I still love as much as I used to. I do however, know my boundaries. If you don't hear from me for a week cause I'm at work and studying and being alone with my dog reading books, don't take it personally. I'm good at the things I do. I'm educated now, and if any cults come knocking, I'm not interested.
I like this picture. I'm wearing the necklace my grandma got me for my birthday. I'm looking at Jay. He thinks it's the saddest thing in the world I didn't have holidays growing up in the cult and he tries to make them all so special to make up for that. I always say no cake, he always gets a cake.
Leah says in her book that people try to understand but unless you've been raised in a cult, you don't really understand. She's goddamn right. You don't. But there are people who try to understand you, that's much more work for them so appreciate it. Pray for ones we lose. Make your life matter. Let your voice be heard. Never forget, every day, we're lucky if we're still here. :)
Sullivan out.
Thursday, 28 February 2019
Cockroach
It's been awhile. Anyways, sorry but I've been really busy. Let's just do this quick. So I'm talking to my ex boyfriend tonight (it's his birthday) and yesterday was my birthday so we're both very Pisces. Somehow in conversation I said, Yesterday Jay said I was like a cockroach.
Him: Does he ever say nice things about you?
Me: That was totally a compliment.
Now, should I see a cockroach in my apartment? Not a good thing. But you have to respect those little mother f*ers. One of these days, the end of the world is going to come. And you know who is going to survive? The cockroaches. You can try to kill them. You can poison them. You can cut their heads off. They will stay alive. That's what they do.
If one message to you is my only purpose in life here it is: I've been to purgatory, I've looked Hell itself in the face. I'm still here. I'm still happy. :)
Of course there was a snowstorm on my birthday. The weather was crazy. Friends are cancelling plans. The whole time, I'm just thinking, bring it on. When/if (that's a big if) I'm not around anymore, please remember, you weather the storms and eventually life gives you a break. Right now, I love my job. I have the perfect dog. Awesome friends, the best boyfriend. I know none of these things will last forever and that it has taken a decade to rebuild a life I left. I feel like my head got cut off and I was wandering around without one for awhile. (btw what do cockroaches do when you cut their head off? do they grow a new head?)
It's good and it's sad at the same time but I'm starting to forget them. Even my family. I try to bring up their voices in my head sometimes and I can't. All the photo albums are in storage, I don't look at them. I'm the marketing person for my firm now and we need to spend a lot of money to get new sites photographed and I thought for a second oh my sister is trying to do a photography business maybe I should get her the job. Then I remembered, I can't, because she shuns me. She wouldn't pick up the phone call.
I wonder how they would feel to know they aren't punishing me anymore because I almost forget they exist. They are there, like characters in a book you wish you had never read but you had to read it to get to the place you're in today. (Kinda like every textbook I've read for my MBA :)
My family was my MBA in life. There's a few good ones left (Grandma!) but for the most part, I honestly don't need anyone who doesn't believe in me. I think I'm imperfect but at the same time thoughtful and kind and I give anything I have to anyone who needs it. Jay sees that in me. I think that's why he loves me. But he also loves the cockroach who can't be killed no matter what life throws. He tells me I'm the strongest person he's ever met. I don't feel strong. But maybe, just maybe, I am.
One of my most special old life friends always told me, The past is like a rearview mirror. You should check it sometimes to make sure you're in the right lane. But if you stare into it, you'll crash.
He was right. I learned that the hard way. So take the easy way. Grieve when you need to, but leave the past in the past. Get your head cut off, but grow a new one. A better one. And then, never, ever take for granted your second chance. For me, this IS the afterworld. And it's lovely. :)
Sullivan out.
Him: Does he ever say nice things about you?
Me: That was totally a compliment.
Now, should I see a cockroach in my apartment? Not a good thing. But you have to respect those little mother f*ers. One of these days, the end of the world is going to come. And you know who is going to survive? The cockroaches. You can try to kill them. You can poison them. You can cut their heads off. They will stay alive. That's what they do.
If one message to you is my only purpose in life here it is: I've been to purgatory, I've looked Hell itself in the face. I'm still here. I'm still happy. :)
Of course there was a snowstorm on my birthday. The weather was crazy. Friends are cancelling plans. The whole time, I'm just thinking, bring it on. When/if (that's a big if) I'm not around anymore, please remember, you weather the storms and eventually life gives you a break. Right now, I love my job. I have the perfect dog. Awesome friends, the best boyfriend. I know none of these things will last forever and that it has taken a decade to rebuild a life I left. I feel like my head got cut off and I was wandering around without one for awhile. (btw what do cockroaches do when you cut their head off? do they grow a new head?)
It's good and it's sad at the same time but I'm starting to forget them. Even my family. I try to bring up their voices in my head sometimes and I can't. All the photo albums are in storage, I don't look at them. I'm the marketing person for my firm now and we need to spend a lot of money to get new sites photographed and I thought for a second oh my sister is trying to do a photography business maybe I should get her the job. Then I remembered, I can't, because she shuns me. She wouldn't pick up the phone call.
I wonder how they would feel to know they aren't punishing me anymore because I almost forget they exist. They are there, like characters in a book you wish you had never read but you had to read it to get to the place you're in today. (Kinda like every textbook I've read for my MBA :)
My family was my MBA in life. There's a few good ones left (Grandma!) but for the most part, I honestly don't need anyone who doesn't believe in me. I think I'm imperfect but at the same time thoughtful and kind and I give anything I have to anyone who needs it. Jay sees that in me. I think that's why he loves me. But he also loves the cockroach who can't be killed no matter what life throws. He tells me I'm the strongest person he's ever met. I don't feel strong. But maybe, just maybe, I am.
One of my most special old life friends always told me, The past is like a rearview mirror. You should check it sometimes to make sure you're in the right lane. But if you stare into it, you'll crash.
He was right. I learned that the hard way. So take the easy way. Grieve when you need to, but leave the past in the past. Get your head cut off, but grow a new one. A better one. And then, never, ever take for granted your second chance. For me, this IS the afterworld. And it's lovely. :)
Sullivan out.
Saturday, 16 February 2019
Far from the Shallows
I'm in the deep end.
And I think, a holding pattern for now. My boyfriend likes to say nothing is ever enough for me. Not what I put on him or others, just what I do to myself. I think I like being in my 40s. One of my co-workers was talking about his wife doing an PhD and how some people just "do it on a whim". That's totally what I did with the MBA. I read a news article online about how Jehovah Witness children are the least educated out of all the cults. I was turning 40 and I thought, let's see about that. Not that an MBA is a big deal anymore, everyone seems to have one. All those millennials with trust funds and rich parents, they are kids who never want to actually work. But the MBA is a process that proves you can show up consistently and do a big job.
After all those years working corporate in a suit I got a chance at a job where we wear jeans and leave at 5 and can bring our dogs to the office and get 5 weeks vacation. Hello, Universe? I believe in you. You had my back all along. I went to church today, I don't think the two can't be intertwined.
Let me preface this by saying I'm not a church girl anymore. I'm poly-amorous when it comes to religion. Like hey, all the white people are doing yoga in temples and all the Asians are at my catholic church. There is NO EASY ANSWER. Maybe there's no answer at all. Except we try to be good people. We surround ourselves by positive energy and love. We work hard. We keep our head above water, even in the deep end.
I went early for confession. I went on my knees ."Forgive me Father for I have sinned." I was baptized Catholic so he kinda owes me one. He said what have you done? I said I've lost my faith. It threw me off center and I hurt people in the process that I didn't mean to hurt.
Now were we in JW territory? I would have been interrogated to death with embarrassing details. Then publicly shamed and shunned. I got one say "Our Father" and forgiven. Go in peace.
He said it's been what, 10 years? That's when I started to wonder if the whole Universe is not more connected than we think it is. Yes, exactly ten years. Then he quoted me Psalms the first. The same one the priest leading the service read first. Totally weird yes, but what I took away from that is someone, I don't know who, is watching over me. We were in bed last night and my guy is like, I think you'll outlive me. Absolutely not darling, I keep almost dying. Him: Yes, but you never do... you're unbreakable. (now I think he's scared of me).
Jay is wrong. This, what I have now, is enough for me. I don't think I've ever been this happy. I don't expect to swim back to the shallows. It's easy and safe, I picked the other, scarier, harder choice and it hasn't let me down. Worth it.
Sullivan out.
And I think, a holding pattern for now. My boyfriend likes to say nothing is ever enough for me. Not what I put on him or others, just what I do to myself. I think I like being in my 40s. One of my co-workers was talking about his wife doing an PhD and how some people just "do it on a whim". That's totally what I did with the MBA. I read a news article online about how Jehovah Witness children are the least educated out of all the cults. I was turning 40 and I thought, let's see about that. Not that an MBA is a big deal anymore, everyone seems to have one. All those millennials with trust funds and rich parents, they are kids who never want to actually work. But the MBA is a process that proves you can show up consistently and do a big job.
After all those years working corporate in a suit I got a chance at a job where we wear jeans and leave at 5 and can bring our dogs to the office and get 5 weeks vacation. Hello, Universe? I believe in you. You had my back all along. I went to church today, I don't think the two can't be intertwined.
Let me preface this by saying I'm not a church girl anymore. I'm poly-amorous when it comes to religion. Like hey, all the white people are doing yoga in temples and all the Asians are at my catholic church. There is NO EASY ANSWER. Maybe there's no answer at all. Except we try to be good people. We surround ourselves by positive energy and love. We work hard. We keep our head above water, even in the deep end.
I went early for confession. I went on my knees ."Forgive me Father for I have sinned." I was baptized Catholic so he kinda owes me one. He said what have you done? I said I've lost my faith. It threw me off center and I hurt people in the process that I didn't mean to hurt.
Now were we in JW territory? I would have been interrogated to death with embarrassing details. Then publicly shamed and shunned. I got one say "Our Father" and forgiven. Go in peace.
He said it's been what, 10 years? That's when I started to wonder if the whole Universe is not more connected than we think it is. Yes, exactly ten years. Then he quoted me Psalms the first. The same one the priest leading the service read first. Totally weird yes, but what I took away from that is someone, I don't know who, is watching over me. We were in bed last night and my guy is like, I think you'll outlive me. Absolutely not darling, I keep almost dying. Him: Yes, but you never do... you're unbreakable. (now I think he's scared of me).
Jay is wrong. This, what I have now, is enough for me. I don't think I've ever been this happy. I don't expect to swim back to the shallows. It's easy and safe, I picked the other, scarier, harder choice and it hasn't let me down. Worth it.
Sullivan out.
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