"When they go low, we go high." - Michelle Obama
I have been having the weirdest time lately. Someone, who, because I am taking the high road, will not be named, I thought she was one of my best friends. I think she must be a very unhappy person. And apparently a bully.
You know that thing about how if someone is always saying shit about everyone else to you, they are probably doing it to you behind your back? It's true. They're not just confiding in a friend, they are actually just mad at everyone.
In the past few days I've received numerous (like 40) messages saying just go die bitch, you're a terrible writer, you're a dirty toilet seat that men like to piss on. You left the JWs for a guy who doesn't give a shit about you. You're dried up and delusional and your boyfriend is awful. Seriously?
The boyfriend who drives you home at the end of the night and takes your kid for walks and buys you nice dinners and has always been kind to you. Hmmm. My other friends are apparently even worse. There's not one nice thing to say about any of them. This one spends too much money (hey red!), this one doesn't work hard enough (hey blonde!), this one who just uses you (hey former roomie!). Coming from someone I babysit for, for free at 6:30 in the morning while she goes to work and doesn't claim the money to the government while she's on support.
Jay just holds me while I cry and doesn't understand why it hurts so much. C'mon buddy doesn't a dirty toilet seat get to have feelings? :)
It hurts because I thought she was my friend. And being on the outside I've been careful about who I let into my life.
Anyways, I'm moving on. Have I made mistakes in life? More than I can count. But I'm trying really hard to be a good person. And those other friends? They are loyal and kind and would never say those kind of things about me, even if they thought them, which I don't think they do.
I think Michelle said that quote while she was supporting Hilary's campaign. Trump still won. Sometimes hate wins. But once I lick my wounds, I will keep working towards a better world for all of us that doesn't accept this kind of behavior. We have to take the high road and maybe we can inspire others to follow our lead.
And fuck you, my former bestie, I think I'm a damn good writer.
Sullivan out.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Tuesday, 7 August 2018
Sunday, 16 April 2017
Life is not forever. Love is.
I stole that quote from my friend. They wrote it on her grave.
I'm finally going back to work on Monday. I love to make lists. So I had a lot of things to cross off before I went back. I'd never been to see Donia since she died. I couldn't do it. It just makes the whole thing more real. I've never deleted her number from my phone. But for all my avoiding it, I knew it was something I had to do.
My best friend took me this week. (For the rest of you, who think you're my best friend, I'm sorry. Jay is.) He keeps promising me he'll never die and since he's Asian, he might be right. But I don't trust it. There were a lot of Asians in that cemetery.
If you go to Mount Pleasant Cemetery, (sidepoint the only cemetery I would agree to be buried in if I didn't have an elaborate plan to be buried at sea), it's complicated. They give you a map that makes no sense and you just have to search and search until you find what you're looking for.
I found her. I cried. I brought flowers, but that seemed kind of silly in the moment. In some ways, it makes me happy that I just want to get thrown into the sea when I go so no one will ever have to bring flowers to my grave and cry. On the other hand, say there was someone who wanted to come see me and talk to me. There would be nowhere for them to go.
I got to do that. To talk to her, to tell her I missed her. To cry. She was generous, even when she left us. She was the best person I've ever known. Jay walked Max around the grounds and came back to get me.
Life is short. One of my special friends is grieving the loss of someone that was important to her. I don't have any advice. I can't do anything but listen. I can tell you this: these silly wars we have, the walls we build and the fences we put up, they don't help us, they just hurt us.
Lindsay, put down the guns. It's not worth the lost time.
Dalyse, no one will ever replace John. If something were to happen to Jay, you'd have to come over and scrape me off the floor. I wouldn't want to live in a world without him. So I know how you feel. I didn't want to live in a world without Donia either. But unlike the fairytale I actually believed in for most of my life, we don't live forever. But love does. Donia was right about that. You can be gone, but the love lives on.
Sullivan out.
I'm finally going back to work on Monday. I love to make lists. So I had a lot of things to cross off before I went back. I'd never been to see Donia since she died. I couldn't do it. It just makes the whole thing more real. I've never deleted her number from my phone. But for all my avoiding it, I knew it was something I had to do.
My best friend took me this week. (For the rest of you, who think you're my best friend, I'm sorry. Jay is.) He keeps promising me he'll never die and since he's Asian, he might be right. But I don't trust it. There were a lot of Asians in that cemetery.
If you go to Mount Pleasant Cemetery, (sidepoint the only cemetery I would agree to be buried in if I didn't have an elaborate plan to be buried at sea), it's complicated. They give you a map that makes no sense and you just have to search and search until you find what you're looking for.
I found her. I cried. I brought flowers, but that seemed kind of silly in the moment. In some ways, it makes me happy that I just want to get thrown into the sea when I go so no one will ever have to bring flowers to my grave and cry. On the other hand, say there was someone who wanted to come see me and talk to me. There would be nowhere for them to go.
I got to do that. To talk to her, to tell her I missed her. To cry. She was generous, even when she left us. She was the best person I've ever known. Jay walked Max around the grounds and came back to get me.
Life is short. One of my special friends is grieving the loss of someone that was important to her. I don't have any advice. I can't do anything but listen. I can tell you this: these silly wars we have, the walls we build and the fences we put up, they don't help us, they just hurt us.
Lindsay, put down the guns. It's not worth the lost time.
Dalyse, no one will ever replace John. If something were to happen to Jay, you'd have to come over and scrape me off the floor. I wouldn't want to live in a world without him. So I know how you feel. I didn't want to live in a world without Donia either. But unlike the fairytale I actually believed in for most of my life, we don't live forever. But love does. Donia was right about that. You can be gone, but the love lives on.
Sullivan out.
Wednesday, 5 April 2017
How it Ends
Tell me when it kicks in.
One of my very dear friends lost her best friend last week. I keep thinking we're too young to be losing friends, but apparently that's not the case. Reality kicks in slowly, as the days go by.
I lost one of the best friends I ever had a couple of years ago, way too soon. It's still hard for me, when I want to call her up and tell her something, and then I remember I just can't anymore. Hasn't stopped me from not even deleting her phone number. I keep thinking one of these days, she'll just be back. Maybe that's why I haven't visited her grave yet.
John Bautista was a good guy. He made you feel important, even if he barely knew you. Generous to a fault. He was always around to give you a ride somewhere you needed to go or grab you some un-obtainable concert tickets. That's how Dalyse and I saw Stevie Wonder. And Blue Rodeo. He was gonna get us Ed Sheeran tickets but unfortunately we lost him first. The concert doesn't even seem to matter anymore.
To my friend, he was the best friend. We used to laugh about how we both had a Filipino "husband". Someone who was always there for us. Who supported us. Who loved us no matter what. And they do that despite the fact that romantically, it was never really an option.
We actually talked about all going to the Philippines together next year. They both had a lot of connections there. A week later, that option was off the table because he was gone.
As much as I try to be there for her, I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone so important to you. Growing up for her and I, has been, in our own ways, difficult. I don't think either of us have ever had someone who just loved us so unconditionally and was there, any time of day, night or anywhere in between. Always a phone call away. Always ready with a hug when we need it. Always had our backs.
She's handling it much better than I would. If something happened to Jay...I can't even imagine the pain. I choose to believe he will outlive me and I will never have to deal with that. Dalyse didn't get that chance.
In John's memory, we will cherish our lives. Live it to the fullest. And sleep when we die. :)
Rest in peace, our friend. And Dalyse, I'm here for you. Always. It's not going to go away. There's no replacing him. But it gets better. Not good, but better.
Love, me
Sullivan out.
One of my very dear friends lost her best friend last week. I keep thinking we're too young to be losing friends, but apparently that's not the case. Reality kicks in slowly, as the days go by.
I lost one of the best friends I ever had a couple of years ago, way too soon. It's still hard for me, when I want to call her up and tell her something, and then I remember I just can't anymore. Hasn't stopped me from not even deleting her phone number. I keep thinking one of these days, she'll just be back. Maybe that's why I haven't visited her grave yet.
John Bautista was a good guy. He made you feel important, even if he barely knew you. Generous to a fault. He was always around to give you a ride somewhere you needed to go or grab you some un-obtainable concert tickets. That's how Dalyse and I saw Stevie Wonder. And Blue Rodeo. He was gonna get us Ed Sheeran tickets but unfortunately we lost him first. The concert doesn't even seem to matter anymore.
To my friend, he was the best friend. We used to laugh about how we both had a Filipino "husband". Someone who was always there for us. Who supported us. Who loved us no matter what. And they do that despite the fact that romantically, it was never really an option.
We actually talked about all going to the Philippines together next year. They both had a lot of connections there. A week later, that option was off the table because he was gone.
As much as I try to be there for her, I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone so important to you. Growing up for her and I, has been, in our own ways, difficult. I don't think either of us have ever had someone who just loved us so unconditionally and was there, any time of day, night or anywhere in between. Always a phone call away. Always ready with a hug when we need it. Always had our backs.
She's handling it much better than I would. If something happened to Jay...I can't even imagine the pain. I choose to believe he will outlive me and I will never have to deal with that. Dalyse didn't get that chance.
In John's memory, we will cherish our lives. Live it to the fullest. And sleep when we die. :)
Rest in peace, our friend. And Dalyse, I'm here for you. Always. It's not going to go away. There's no replacing him. But it gets better. Not good, but better.
Love, me
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 10 April 2016
Sunday mornings are not always easy
"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile." - The Princess Bride
I'm not even really sure what I want to say today. But it's Sunday morning so here we go. Yesterday was Donia's birthday. She's been gone five months and I'm still crying this morning. She was one of the best friends I have ever had, ever will have. My ex-boyfriend is practically living at my apartment while we try to make sense of his good friends death last week. Death sucks. Unfortunately as we age, this is part of life.
Wouldn't it be great if we could go back to being young, no real responsibilities. When work didn't dominate our lives, when we thought we were immortal. Turn back time to the good old days.
Donia is definitely somewhere special now. She's one of the best people I've ever known. I hope you had a lovely birthday, my darling. True friendship is hard to come by. It's kind of funny, but the first JW I bumped into since disassociating myself the other week from the religion was Celine.
Celine, Heather, Monique and I were like those girls from Sex and the City. Only we were JWs so we didn't have sex. And we weren't allowed to watch SATC. But we were friends since we were little kids. Inseparable. All bridesmaids in each other's weddings. Except Celine, she never got married. I don't think she really knows how to love - herself or anyone else.
I saw her on the street a couple of days ago. She did that thing that they all do, look you straight in the face so you know they saw you, then avert their eyes and walk quicker past you. Like they might catch your non-believer disease. There's only one picture I keep up in my apartment from my JW past. It's of the four of us. Two of us got out. And now we get shunned on the street by the people who were supposed to love us.
It was real. It was good. But it wasn't real good.
This is what real friendship looks like:
Today will not be the last day I cry for Donia. Or George. I know one thing though. I will love the fuck out of everyone I have left. Be kind to one another. The days are long but the years are short.
Sullivan out.
Friday, 1 April 2016
Where the Light Is
"Gravity has taken better men than me. Just keep me where the light is." - John Mayer
One of my friends has been going through a hard time. I tried my best to help. A lot of us did. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. He decided to take his own life.
I got the phone call at work. My first reaction was NO. It can't be true. My second reaction was just to start crying. Which I did all night, this morning and that's not over yet.
The whole reason I had decided to be so open on this blog was to raise awareness. Most of my life has been completely embarrassing. And putting it out there definitely does not benefit me in any way. But if I could help anyone - ex-JW, someone living with mental health issues - that's what I wanted to do.
Bell does a "Let's Talk" day every year to raise awareness for mental health issues. This is not a one day a year issue. It's great that they do that. And it's great that a lot of you out there support the charities that support these people. My people.
If you really want to help though, it takes more than writing a check. Or showing up at a fundraiser. It takes all of us to educate ourselves, to be alert to the warning signs, to make those one on one connections with the ones who suffer. Listen, be there for them, help them get the help they need.
This old school mentality has got to go and make room for awareness and acceptance. Some of the comments I've received in the past day just reinforced that for me. "He was so selfish." "Was he on drugs?"
I realize that drug and alcohol abuse can be factors in the equation sometimes, but not always. Sometimes people just get dealt a bad hand in life and they get very sad.
As far as the selfish comments go, yes, maybe it is selfish, but try looking at it from the other perspective. I've been through it. I've tried to kill myself. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I didn't send out angry messages or write a letter blaming anyone. Sometimes, we are pushed beyond our capacity for pain. When that happens, we can end up in a place where we never wanted to go. A dark place. Where there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Where the hurt is so bad, all we want is for it to stop. Where as much as we genuinely love the people in our life, we don't care anymore that they will cry tomorrow. It just needs to be over. For us.
I've been so lucky. The second time I became suicidal, I didn't just take four bottles of pills and go to bed. I asked for help and I had a network that rallied around me. A workplace that supported me. Aunts and Uncles to go home to, who took care of me until I was no longer a threat to myself. A $200/hour therapist who first cut his fees in half and then just treated me for free.
Not everyone is that lucky. Although my friend had loving friends, he obviously didn't have the support he needed. Over the past couple of weeks, he kept telling me how much he valued our friendship. He wasn't angry, he was just sad. He kept telling me how much he looked up to me, how strong he thought I was for getting through my challenges in life. How proud he was of me.
I've been where he was and I still misread the signs. I thought he was saying those things because I was inspiring him to get better. Now, I think it was because he didn't feel like he would ever get there.
All I'm asking of all of you out there is please, please be alert. 1 in 4 Canadians have suffered or are suffering from depression. Watch for the signs. Be patient and kind. Pick up the phone when they call even if you're rolling your eyes and thinking you don't want to listen to this story again. You just might save a life.
He called me on Wednesday. I was volunteering at a charity event all day. I didn't pick up, I thought, I'll just call him back later. Later was too late.
We all struggle with the back and forth between the light and the darkness. When you're in the light, shine it on others. That way, when you're in the dark, there will be someone around to show you the way back out.
Sullivan out.
One of my friends has been going through a hard time. I tried my best to help. A lot of us did. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. He decided to take his own life.
I got the phone call at work. My first reaction was NO. It can't be true. My second reaction was just to start crying. Which I did all night, this morning and that's not over yet.
The whole reason I had decided to be so open on this blog was to raise awareness. Most of my life has been completely embarrassing. And putting it out there definitely does not benefit me in any way. But if I could help anyone - ex-JW, someone living with mental health issues - that's what I wanted to do.
Bell does a "Let's Talk" day every year to raise awareness for mental health issues. This is not a one day a year issue. It's great that they do that. And it's great that a lot of you out there support the charities that support these people. My people.
If you really want to help though, it takes more than writing a check. Or showing up at a fundraiser. It takes all of us to educate ourselves, to be alert to the warning signs, to make those one on one connections with the ones who suffer. Listen, be there for them, help them get the help they need.
This old school mentality has got to go and make room for awareness and acceptance. Some of the comments I've received in the past day just reinforced that for me. "He was so selfish." "Was he on drugs?"
I realize that drug and alcohol abuse can be factors in the equation sometimes, but not always. Sometimes people just get dealt a bad hand in life and they get very sad.
As far as the selfish comments go, yes, maybe it is selfish, but try looking at it from the other perspective. I've been through it. I've tried to kill myself. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I didn't send out angry messages or write a letter blaming anyone. Sometimes, we are pushed beyond our capacity for pain. When that happens, we can end up in a place where we never wanted to go. A dark place. Where there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Where the hurt is so bad, all we want is for it to stop. Where as much as we genuinely love the people in our life, we don't care anymore that they will cry tomorrow. It just needs to be over. For us.
I've been so lucky. The second time I became suicidal, I didn't just take four bottles of pills and go to bed. I asked for help and I had a network that rallied around me. A workplace that supported me. Aunts and Uncles to go home to, who took care of me until I was no longer a threat to myself. A $200/hour therapist who first cut his fees in half and then just treated me for free.
Not everyone is that lucky. Although my friend had loving friends, he obviously didn't have the support he needed. Over the past couple of weeks, he kept telling me how much he valued our friendship. He wasn't angry, he was just sad. He kept telling me how much he looked up to me, how strong he thought I was for getting through my challenges in life. How proud he was of me.
I've been where he was and I still misread the signs. I thought he was saying those things because I was inspiring him to get better. Now, I think it was because he didn't feel like he would ever get there.
All I'm asking of all of you out there is please, please be alert. 1 in 4 Canadians have suffered or are suffering from depression. Watch for the signs. Be patient and kind. Pick up the phone when they call even if you're rolling your eyes and thinking you don't want to listen to this story again. You just might save a life.
He called me on Wednesday. I was volunteering at a charity event all day. I didn't pick up, I thought, I'll just call him back later. Later was too late.
We all struggle with the back and forth between the light and the darkness. When you're in the light, shine it on others. That way, when you're in the dark, there will be someone around to show you the way back out.
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 31 January 2016
Faith, Hope and Love - Four years later
Re-post! I'm nothing if not completely predictable. On the anniversary of my uncles passing, I always re-post this blog. I wrote it on a train on the way back home from Montreal the next day - January 29, 2012. I'm late this year. No excuses, but I was really sick.
Everything was so different four years ago. I was in a bad, bad place. So was he. Unlike my clumsy downward spiral, he met his challenge with grace and dignity. He was and always will be an inspiration, a role model and a beloved member of our family. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile.
And the only way to truly be immortal is to keep living. In the pictures of you in someone's living room, in how they still remember the really good advice you gave them when they consider making the same mistake twice. In the memories that still make other people smile when they think about you.
We still think about you. More than you probably know we do. And we will always love you. You are our immortal beloved.
Faith, Hope & Love
Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love my family. I just don't know some of them very well. Until the past year, that was the case with my uncle, Ken. We were rarely home at the same time in the summers, he lived in Montreal, I was in Toronto. He was on the quieter side, and although I always enjoyed any time I did spend with him, I really didn't know who he was.
On the outside yes. Ken was cool, he was a dancer, he's travelled all over. He loved cats, he spoke French, he smoked Peter Jackson - the white package. Our whole family has always been so proud of his career, he was one of those rare people who didn't sell out but instead followed their dream and made a success of it. Ken is a well known and well respected dancer and dance teacher. His students loved him.
It wasn't until he got sick though that we became close. I started going to Montreal more often, spending time one on one with him. For me, there were a lot of firsts, learning about the people he's worked with, travelled with, danced with. Looking at pictures from all his trips. Hours spent talking about life, relationships, death, religion, God, family, friends. Food - he loved food. Making meals, having snacks, drinking coffee and eating croissants in the mornings. Getting to know his partner, Louis. The times I've spent in Montreal over the past year are very precious memories of making a very good friend.
And not just one, but many, as Ken had so many people who really loved him and were there for him through this time. After finding out he had cancer, Ken didn't give up, but he kept himself busy, reading books, cooking, collaborating on new dance projects. He was good natured and easy to be around, even on bad days when he felt so sick.
I feel very grateful and humbled to be a part of a family of such loving, hard-working and accepting people. Watching my grandma, aunt, uncles and mom rallying around Ken, providing support in any and every way possible was truly inspiring.
Seeing Ken's "Montreal Family": Louis, Brett, Sarah, Sioned, Heather, Luc, Francis and others consistently showing up and doing all they could for their friend solidifies my belief in true friendship and true love.
We all hoped he would get better. But he didn't. And now we need to take solace in knowing he's no longer suffering and have faith that he is somewhere kinder, better and happier than here. Hope and Faith can keep us going during even the darkest, saddest times. In the end though, without Love, the faith and hope wouldn't actually mean all that much.
I say it all the time on this blog, but I truly believe Love is an action. Sure, it's also a feeling, and a great one, but without the proofs of love, can we ever be sure it really exists? When Ken breathed his last breath, he knew he was surrounded by people who loved him, accepted him, believed in him. They had shown him this through their actions over the years, but it became especially evident when he really needed them to be there. And they were.
Having lost three family members this month alone - my grandfather, my great-aunt and my uncle - I feel more than ever the importance of demonstrating love to those we cherish, as much as we can, as often as we can, as vocally as we can. Lots of phone calls, visits, hugs, kisses and "I love you"s.
It's so easy to let busy lives, careers and the day to day issues crowd out time and energy we would like to spend on our important relationships. It breaks my heart to see what Ken had to go through this past year, but I'm also grateful for the time it afforded us to know him better, love him more, and prepare to say goodbye.
Healthy or not, none of us really know whether we'll live to see tomorrow. So no regrets! As Picasso said: "Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."
Rest In Peace, dear Ken. I love you.
Everything was so different four years ago. I was in a bad, bad place. So was he. Unlike my clumsy downward spiral, he met his challenge with grace and dignity. He was and always will be an inspiration, a role model and a beloved member of our family. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile.
And the only way to truly be immortal is to keep living. In the pictures of you in someone's living room, in how they still remember the really good advice you gave them when they consider making the same mistake twice. In the memories that still make other people smile when they think about you.
We still think about you. More than you probably know we do. And we will always love you. You are our immortal beloved.
Faith, Hope & Love
Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love my family. I just don't know some of them very well. Until the past year, that was the case with my uncle, Ken. We were rarely home at the same time in the summers, he lived in Montreal, I was in Toronto. He was on the quieter side, and although I always enjoyed any time I did spend with him, I really didn't know who he was.
On the outside yes. Ken was cool, he was a dancer, he's travelled all over. He loved cats, he spoke French, he smoked Peter Jackson - the white package. Our whole family has always been so proud of his career, he was one of those rare people who didn't sell out but instead followed their dream and made a success of it. Ken is a well known and well respected dancer and dance teacher. His students loved him.
It wasn't until he got sick though that we became close. I started going to Montreal more often, spending time one on one with him. For me, there were a lot of firsts, learning about the people he's worked with, travelled with, danced with. Looking at pictures from all his trips. Hours spent talking about life, relationships, death, religion, God, family, friends. Food - he loved food. Making meals, having snacks, drinking coffee and eating croissants in the mornings. Getting to know his partner, Louis. The times I've spent in Montreal over the past year are very precious memories of making a very good friend.
And not just one, but many, as Ken had so many people who really loved him and were there for him through this time. After finding out he had cancer, Ken didn't give up, but he kept himself busy, reading books, cooking, collaborating on new dance projects. He was good natured and easy to be around, even on bad days when he felt so sick.
I feel very grateful and humbled to be a part of a family of such loving, hard-working and accepting people. Watching my grandma, aunt, uncles and mom rallying around Ken, providing support in any and every way possible was truly inspiring.
Seeing Ken's "Montreal Family": Louis, Brett, Sarah, Sioned, Heather, Luc, Francis and others consistently showing up and doing all they could for their friend solidifies my belief in true friendship and true love.
We all hoped he would get better. But he didn't. And now we need to take solace in knowing he's no longer suffering and have faith that he is somewhere kinder, better and happier than here. Hope and Faith can keep us going during even the darkest, saddest times. In the end though, without Love, the faith and hope wouldn't actually mean all that much.
I say it all the time on this blog, but I truly believe Love is an action. Sure, it's also a feeling, and a great one, but without the proofs of love, can we ever be sure it really exists? When Ken breathed his last breath, he knew he was surrounded by people who loved him, accepted him, believed in him. They had shown him this through their actions over the years, but it became especially evident when he really needed them to be there. And they were.
Having lost three family members this month alone - my grandfather, my great-aunt and my uncle - I feel more than ever the importance of demonstrating love to those we cherish, as much as we can, as often as we can, as vocally as we can. Lots of phone calls, visits, hugs, kisses and "I love you"s.
It's so easy to let busy lives, careers and the day to day issues crowd out time and energy we would like to spend on our important relationships. It breaks my heart to see what Ken had to go through this past year, but I'm also grateful for the time it afforded us to know him better, love him more, and prepare to say goodbye.
Healthy or not, none of us really know whether we'll live to see tomorrow. So no regrets! As Picasso said: "Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."
Rest In Peace, dear Ken. I love you.
Monday, 25 January 2016
Little Lights Shining in the Dark
I had this great friend when I was a Jdub. She was always in love with my husband, but I didn't really get jealous. She was very old. And kinda prickly in the beginning. She was a widow, her husband was the love of her life. She took care of him while he lived with Alzheimer's. Then she was alone. No kids. No family. My ex-husband and I adopted her. She always liked him the most but she loved me too. She called us her kids.
We used to go over every Monday night and make her dinner, took her grocery shopping every Friday at noon, for years. Even after we moved to the Vietnamese and had more on our plate than any two good kids could handle, we always made time for Evelyn. Good times, she wasn't a burden. We would play games and drink this cheap red wine she liked. Talk about all the old times. She could tell you to the year, month, day and hour how long she had been with Lester.
She said" There is a lot of kindness wrapped up in Travis and Margaux. You may not know it, but you two have changed my life in many ways. It is more colourful, meaningful and interesting. It has built me up."
And then, I didn't touch it but her picture fell on the ground and the glass shattered. I know y'all might think I'm silly with my psychics and superstitions, but I knew she was gone. He and I didn't get divorced for two years. We still went to visit her in the home. I don't think she ever knew we broke up and that's a very good thing. Just seeing his face would make her smile every time. I used to visit her when I was disfellowshipped. She was too old at that point to know I wasn't supposed to be there. Then we got to the point where she didn't know it was me at all.
I was a lot more fragile back then. This past winter while my other friend died, I showed up. Until the last night she was still breathing. I wish I had done that with Evelyn. Because of course, I'm such a dangerous influence, none of the JWs could be bothered to tell me she died or that there was a funeral. Even though I know and she knows and they know that I deserved to be there.
I wonder sometimes if this is what it will be like when my mother dies? I just find out randomly because I call someone I don't talk to anymore and ask the question? Oh yes Margaux, it's very sad. There was a funeral. You weren't invited.
It's disappointing that they think and preach openly that this is the way to win someone back. Through this terrible cruelty that's not even human kindness. Unfortunately, their tactics don't work on me. Each of these little heartbreaks just make me more determined that I made the right choice. I am NEVER coming back. And I'm a big old apostate so just disfellowship me again for Christ's sake.
We're all just little lights shining in the dark and it's sad when a bright one goes out. Evelyn, I love you and I'm sure you're in a better place. And your boyfriend/my ex-husband? I'm sure he misses you too. That's one of the biggest reasons I will always love that guy. He jumped on board with all my adopted strays and they are probably the only ones who really knew him for who he actually was. My time and friendship with both of you will always be happy memories. Rest in peace. Xo.
Sullivan out.
We used to go over every Monday night and make her dinner, took her grocery shopping every Friday at noon, for years. Even after we moved to the Vietnamese and had more on our plate than any two good kids could handle, we always made time for Evelyn. Good times, she wasn't a burden. We would play games and drink this cheap red wine she liked. Talk about all the old times. She could tell you to the year, month, day and hour how long she had been with Lester.
I'm not sure what got into me this past weekend (except a very extreme case of PMS) but gawd, I missed these people. On Saturday I opened a drawer and started tearing things up. Letters, cards, pictures. Then I found this one.
And then, I didn't touch it but her picture fell on the ground and the glass shattered. I know y'all might think I'm silly with my psychics and superstitions, but I knew she was gone. He and I didn't get divorced for two years. We still went to visit her in the home. I don't think she ever knew we broke up and that's a very good thing. Just seeing his face would make her smile every time. I used to visit her when I was disfellowshipped. She was too old at that point to know I wasn't supposed to be there. Then we got to the point where she didn't know it was me at all.
I was a lot more fragile back then. This past winter while my other friend died, I showed up. Until the last night she was still breathing. I wish I had done that with Evelyn. Because of course, I'm such a dangerous influence, none of the JWs could be bothered to tell me she died or that there was a funeral. Even though I know and she knows and they know that I deserved to be there.
I wonder sometimes if this is what it will be like when my mother dies? I just find out randomly because I call someone I don't talk to anymore and ask the question? Oh yes Margaux, it's very sad. There was a funeral. You weren't invited.
It's disappointing that they think and preach openly that this is the way to win someone back. Through this terrible cruelty that's not even human kindness. Unfortunately, their tactics don't work on me. Each of these little heartbreaks just make me more determined that I made the right choice. I am NEVER coming back. And I'm a big old apostate so just disfellowship me again for Christ's sake.
We're all just little lights shining in the dark and it's sad when a bright one goes out. Evelyn, I love you and I'm sure you're in a better place. And your boyfriend/my ex-husband? I'm sure he misses you too. That's one of the biggest reasons I will always love that guy. He jumped on board with all my adopted strays and they are probably the only ones who really knew him for who he actually was. My time and friendship with both of you will always be happy memories. Rest in peace. Xo.
Sullivan out.
Monday, 16 November 2015
Rainy Days and Mondays
We have been friends in sunshine and in rain.
My dad says you can count the number of true friends you have in life on one hand. He's probably right, he usually is.
I have had the the most lucky opportunity to be friends with someone who I consider a confidant, a sister, my family. We were never supposed to be friends. She was raised 7th Day Adventist, I was a Jehovah's Witness. There's a whole lot of crazy right there.
The best thing about real friendship and real love is that somehow, those things don't matter. She used to think I judged her lifestyle, but I didn't. Then I got kicked out of the jdubs and we were on a level playing field for the first time. Two perfectly imperfect girls.
She is your perfect friend. Kind, caring, compassionate, smart, sexy, beautiful. We've been through a lot together over the past 20 years. She was so funny. We've had so many laughs and good times. We'd go on business trips and just stay in the same hotel room even though we each had our own because we didn't like to be apart.
She loved food. The second time around with cancer my brother decided he'd bring us dinner at the hospital and he actually brought real china and silverware from home. He broke his arm as soon as he left the hospital that night but it's still a good memory. :)
Last night I just felt like I needed to go to the hospital. I've been dealing with depression and recovering, so my therapist only lets me go to the hospital twice a week. I came home and didn't sleep well. I woke up this morning and she was gone.
What can I say? We've seen each other through everything - losing friends, family, lovers. She was at my wedding and there for me for the divorce. Selfishly, I feel a piece of me dying with her because there is no one else here in Toronto who knew my past life. My friends, my family, my husband. Despite the fact that you're not allowed to be friends with non-JWs - they all LOVED her.
Donia is a beautiful soul - inside and out. She used to sing me Rainy days and Mondays when we were having a bad day.
Round three of cancer won. And she had to go. Wherever she's going to now, I'll get there eventually. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile.
Rest in peace my darling, beautiful, wonderful friend. I'll miss you every day. I love you more than I can express on some silly blog. Xo
Sullivan out.
My dad says you can count the number of true friends you have in life on one hand. He's probably right, he usually is.
I have had the the most lucky opportunity to be friends with someone who I consider a confidant, a sister, my family. We were never supposed to be friends. She was raised 7th Day Adventist, I was a Jehovah's Witness. There's a whole lot of crazy right there.
The best thing about real friendship and real love is that somehow, those things don't matter. She used to think I judged her lifestyle, but I didn't. Then I got kicked out of the jdubs and we were on a level playing field for the first time. Two perfectly imperfect girls.
She is your perfect friend. Kind, caring, compassionate, smart, sexy, beautiful. We've been through a lot together over the past 20 years. She was so funny. We've had so many laughs and good times. We'd go on business trips and just stay in the same hotel room even though we each had our own because we didn't like to be apart.
She loved food. The second time around with cancer my brother decided he'd bring us dinner at the hospital and he actually brought real china and silverware from home. He broke his arm as soon as he left the hospital that night but it's still a good memory. :)
Last night I just felt like I needed to go to the hospital. I've been dealing with depression and recovering, so my therapist only lets me go to the hospital twice a week. I came home and didn't sleep well. I woke up this morning and she was gone.
What can I say? We've seen each other through everything - losing friends, family, lovers. She was at my wedding and there for me for the divorce. Selfishly, I feel a piece of me dying with her because there is no one else here in Toronto who knew my past life. My friends, my family, my husband. Despite the fact that you're not allowed to be friends with non-JWs - they all LOVED her.
Donia is a beautiful soul - inside and out. She used to sing me Rainy days and Mondays when we were having a bad day.
Round three of cancer won. And she had to go. Wherever she's going to now, I'll get there eventually. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile.
Rest in peace my darling, beautiful, wonderful friend. I'll miss you every day. I love you more than I can express on some silly blog. Xo
Sullivan out.
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Faith, Hope & Love
Re-post! I'm nothing if not completely predictable. On the anniversary of my uncles passing, I always re-post this blog. I wrote it on a train on the way back home from Montreal the next day - January 29, 2012.
Everything was so different three years ago. I was in a bad, bad place. So was he. Unlike my clumsy downward spiral, he met his challenge with grace and dignity. He was and always will be an inspiration, a role model and a beloved member of our family. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile.
And the only way to truly be immortal is to keep living. In the pictures of you in someone's living room, in how they still remember the really good advice you gave them when they consider making the same mistake twice. In the memories that still make other people smile when they think about you.
We still think about you. More than you probably know we do. And we will always love you. You are our immortal beloved.
Faith, Hope & Love
Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love my family. I just don't know some of them very well. Until the past year, that was the case with my uncle, Ken. We were rarely home at the same time in the summers, he lived in Montreal, I was in Toronto. He was on the quieter side, and although I always enjoyed any time I did spend with him, I really didn't know who he was.
On the outside yes. Ken was cool, he was a dancer, he's travelled all over. He loved cats, he spoke French, he smoked Peter Jackson - the white package. Our whole family has always been so proud of his career, he was one of those rare people who didn't sell out but instead followed their dream and made a success of it. Ken is a well known and well respected dancer and dance teacher. His students loved him.
It wasn't until he got sick though that we became close. I started going to Montreal more often, spending time one on one with him. For me, there were a lot of firsts, learning about the people he's worked with, travelled with, danced with. Looking at pictures from all his trips. Hours spent talking about life, relationships, death, religion, God, family, friends. Food - he loved food. Making meals, having snacks, drinking coffee and eating croissants in the mornings. Getting to know his partner, Louis. The times I've spent in Montreal over the past year are very precious memories of making a very good friend.
And not just one, but many, as Ken had so many people who really loved him and were there for him through this time. After finding out he had cancer, Ken didn't give up, but he kept himself busy, reading books, cooking, collaborating on new dance projects. He was good natured and easy to be around, even on bad days when he felt so sick.
I feel very grateful and humbled to be a part of a family of such loving, hard-working and accepting people. Watching my grandma, aunt, uncles and mom rallying around Ken, providing support in any and every way possible was truly inspiring.
Seeing Ken's "Montreal Family": Louis, Brett, Sarah, Sioned, Heather, Luc, Francis and others consistently showing up and doing all they could for their friend solidifies my belief in true friendship and true love.
We all hoped he would get better. But he didn't. And now we need to take solace in knowing he's no longer suffering and have faith that he is somewhere kinder, better and happier than here. Hope and Faith can keep us going during even the darkest, saddest times. In the end though, without Love, the faith and hope wouldn't actually mean all that much.
I say it all the time on this blog, but I truly believe Love is an action. Sure, it's also a feeling, and a great one, but without the proofs of love, can we ever be sure it really exists? When Ken breathed his last breath, he knew he was surrounded by people who loved him, accepted him, believed in him. They had shown him this through their actions over the years, but it became especially evident when he really needed them to be there. And they were.
Having lost three family members this month alone - my grandfather, my great-aunt and my uncle - I feel more than ever the importance of demonstrating love to those we cherish, as much as we can, as often as we can, as vocally as we can. Lots of phone calls, visits, hugs, kisses and "I love you"s.
It's so easy to let busy lives, careers and the day to day issues crowd out time and energy we would like to spend on our important relationships. It breaks my heart to see what Ken had to go through this past year, but I'm also grateful for the time it afforded us to know him better, love him more, and prepare to say goodbye.
Healthy or not, none of us really know whether we'll live to see tomorrow. So no regrets! As Picasso said: "Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."
Rest In Peace, dear Ken. I love you.
Everything was so different three years ago. I was in a bad, bad place. So was he. Unlike my clumsy downward spiral, he met his challenge with grace and dignity. He was and always will be an inspiration, a role model and a beloved member of our family. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile.
And the only way to truly be immortal is to keep living. In the pictures of you in someone's living room, in how they still remember the really good advice you gave them when they consider making the same mistake twice. In the memories that still make other people smile when they think about you.
We still think about you. More than you probably know we do. And we will always love you. You are our immortal beloved.
Faith, Hope & Love
Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love my family. I just don't know some of them very well. Until the past year, that was the case with my uncle, Ken. We were rarely home at the same time in the summers, he lived in Montreal, I was in Toronto. He was on the quieter side, and although I always enjoyed any time I did spend with him, I really didn't know who he was.
On the outside yes. Ken was cool, he was a dancer, he's travelled all over. He loved cats, he spoke French, he smoked Peter Jackson - the white package. Our whole family has always been so proud of his career, he was one of those rare people who didn't sell out but instead followed their dream and made a success of it. Ken is a well known and well respected dancer and dance teacher. His students loved him.
It wasn't until he got sick though that we became close. I started going to Montreal more often, spending time one on one with him. For me, there were a lot of firsts, learning about the people he's worked with, travelled with, danced with. Looking at pictures from all his trips. Hours spent talking about life, relationships, death, religion, God, family, friends. Food - he loved food. Making meals, having snacks, drinking coffee and eating croissants in the mornings. Getting to know his partner, Louis. The times I've spent in Montreal over the past year are very precious memories of making a very good friend.
And not just one, but many, as Ken had so many people who really loved him and were there for him through this time. After finding out he had cancer, Ken didn't give up, but he kept himself busy, reading books, cooking, collaborating on new dance projects. He was good natured and easy to be around, even on bad days when he felt so sick.
I feel very grateful and humbled to be a part of a family of such loving, hard-working and accepting people. Watching my grandma, aunt, uncles and mom rallying around Ken, providing support in any and every way possible was truly inspiring.
Seeing Ken's "Montreal Family": Louis, Brett, Sarah, Sioned, Heather, Luc, Francis and others consistently showing up and doing all they could for their friend solidifies my belief in true friendship and true love.
We all hoped he would get better. But he didn't. And now we need to take solace in knowing he's no longer suffering and have faith that he is somewhere kinder, better and happier than here. Hope and Faith can keep us going during even the darkest, saddest times. In the end though, without Love, the faith and hope wouldn't actually mean all that much.
I say it all the time on this blog, but I truly believe Love is an action. Sure, it's also a feeling, and a great one, but without the proofs of love, can we ever be sure it really exists? When Ken breathed his last breath, he knew he was surrounded by people who loved him, accepted him, believed in him. They had shown him this through their actions over the years, but it became especially evident when he really needed them to be there. And they were.
Having lost three family members this month alone - my grandfather, my great-aunt and my uncle - I feel more than ever the importance of demonstrating love to those we cherish, as much as we can, as often as we can, as vocally as we can. Lots of phone calls, visits, hugs, kisses and "I love you"s.
It's so easy to let busy lives, careers and the day to day issues crowd out time and energy we would like to spend on our important relationships. It breaks my heart to see what Ken had to go through this past year, but I'm also grateful for the time it afforded us to know him better, love him more, and prepare to say goodbye.
Healthy or not, none of us really know whether we'll live to see tomorrow. So no regrets! As Picasso said: "Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."
Rest In Peace, dear Ken. I love you.
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