Mommy Dearest

Got my yearly email from my birth mother. Y'all should know how dangerous I am by now. That's what apostates are right?

She means well. She just wants me to come back to Jehovah. It was funny though, this was the first time she tried to differentiate Him from the organization. It's just Jehovah, it's not the organization. Like saying, it's just Hitler, it's not the Nazis. You can trust him. What about all the child abuse cases in the media about how the JWs covered it all up?

The usual about how much I'm hurting her and my sister with my choice to stay away. Was it me who decided to sell of all my cherished family heirlooms for pennies to the JWs and not give me a chance to keep anything from my past so she could show up here a few days before she moved to Panama? With a box filled with my old report cards and all the gifts I'd ever given her?

Or to be my sister? Who invited me to her wedding and I said ARE YOU SURE? and she was like absolutely, you're my sister! So I saved up $700 for a present and bought a dress I couldn't afford and then she shows up the week before and says well the elders said you can't come.

But I'm the one hurting them. Of course I am.

She asked me to come to the district convention and I said, you know there's always a discourse on staying away from apostates and I'll be shunned all weekend? She said I should stop being sarcastic. Can I get a hell ya from any of the rest of you outcasts out there that that would be the way it would go?

They are so brainwashed they don't even understand the other side anymore. The reason I identify as an apostate is that they labelled me that. And to be honest, it's not like either of the two of them are sitting there with angel wings.

I told her I had the best friends. That my friends have been there for me through everything. That if I left I would have to give them up. She said you've been sick, you must be unhappy. I said well you and Erin have been going around for years telling people you're both dying so maybe you're not happy either.

My kinda on and off boyfriend always says we all live lives of quiet desperation. I'm not. And mum, unfortunately, I'm too busy to go to the district convention. You can send me the notes. I won't read them. I do love you though.

Sullivan out.

Salt Water

I haven't had a good JW rant lately so here we go. My ex boyfriend says I need to write. I do. Even if no one reads it.

Them: Please consider returning to Jehovah.

Me in my head: Are you fucking kidding me? Again? We're going to do this again?

So I'm like, okay. But I have some hard questions. I will require answers. Why are elders allowed to play God and ruin people's lives? If all the decisions made are made by Jehovah why do they get to sit in a room and tell me that my angry ex-husband got to decide what to do with me and laugh at me in my face? Where is the kindness, the compassion, the love they preach?

It's not there. We on the outside weren't the liars, they were. After my email, they decided there was no reason for us to meet up after all. Because they are cowards. And believing anything I say could take a chunk out of their belief system. God forbid. And I'm a woman. I've known both of them for over 20 years and they KNOW ME. I'm not a liar. I never have been.

But women do not get treated equally in their fucked up society. The men rule. And then instead of accepting the consequences of their actions and holding each other accountable, they cover up for each other and keep pretending they're all perfect. You know what elders? Some of you are good. Some of you are bad. Very, very bad. None of you are going to live forever in paradise. That's a faitrytale made up by some other man who wanted to control everyone else too. Oh, did I mention it's all about the money they make?

Then there's this guy I'm dating. Part of me wants to cry about this, but honestly, how can I? He was kind to me. I loved him a lot, for sure, but he was unavailable. I just never love anyone you know?

My boss thinks I need to just love me. So I'm going home. Maybe the salt water will heal everything. The ocean keeps trying to drown me (three times) but I love it regardless. :)

Sullivan out.

Bleeding Love

My bosses kid messed himself up this week in a skateboarding accident. Jersey was, understandably upset. I had a little accident of my own this weekend. Can't wait to go into work and face him tomorrow all bruised and bloodied.

I'm fine, I won't say definitely that my red 6-inch heels were trying to kill me last night, but maybe they were. Maybe it was Jehovah, trying to send me a message about the path I've been going down recently. If it was him, Congratulations dude, I still think you're an asshole.

But I did put a huge gash through my lip which is unfortunate because everything I've been working so hard for is finally coming together and they are coming over to take pictures of me on Friday. The doctor today said not to worry about it because "big lips are in". (Worst doctor ever.)

In a way, she's right though. A little bit of make-up, some lip gloss and it'll be like it never happened, but I have fabulous lips. I was heading out from dinner last night, going to see my guy and I tripped. It's funny, I don't think we ever get over that kid-like reaction when we fall down. You know how kids cry, even if they aren't hurt? It's just the humiliation of the whole situation. Well last night I didn't cry, I got up. And I was bleeding like crazy. I was wearing the dress I thought I might wear for the photoshoot on Friday, to test drive it and see what people thought. It has a lot of red in it, but now, the red was dominant.

I walked home past my bar, where my friends I had had dinner with were grabbing a pint after I walked off to meet J. One of the girls who works there went in and told Lindsay she should probably check up on me because I had just walked by, covered in blood.

It all still hurts a little bit and I chipped a tooth, but it's ok. Besides my hurt pride and messed up face, I'm fine. And one thing I've learned recently, through having to re-live the story to tell the story over and over lately to get it right, is that nothing, not a bruise or a break or anything that bleeds, can ever hurt as much as the emotional aspects of things do.

We, here on the outside, keep hoping they'll tame it down a bit and life might get more normal for us. But instead they've decided to be even more hard-core, you should watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yLdwe_6JsU&feature=youtu.be