Adam

Sneak peek. I'm finally writing my book. I decided to call all the chapters by peoples names. You can tell me if that's a good idea, leave a comment. Apparently though you have to have their consent or if not change their names. So Adam is reviewing this one. 

Adam

When I met my ex-husband, I was still in the cult. I thought, this is as good as it gets. I was 16. Even if our marriage was far from perfect, I still think that having grown up the way he did, he was a pretty good person.

Not a good husband.

I married him but I wasn’t in love. On the outside, we were perfect. On the inside I was dying. I’m a romantic. He had every excuse in the book to not come home. Hockey, golf, boy’s nights.

I was at a point in my life where I was questioning the Jehovah’s Witnesses belief system. But of course you can never talk about that, or you will be labelled an apostate and shunned by all family and friends. Which did happen to me. But before that…

I met Adam.

We were work friends for two years. He was someone I could finally talk to about the truth. In my other life, nothing you ever did was good enough. Taking care of all these people, volunteering all your time. Didn’t matter, you just had to work harder. Be better. You are never good enough. Especially if you’re a woman.

Adam loved me just the way I was and with all my imperfections. We could talk about anything for hours. It happened organically and we never officially crossed the cheating line. Except I did because I fell so in love with him that I finally found the strength to give up everything and everyone else for the chance that we’d end up living in a house on the beach and having strawberry blonde children.

Every time I walked into the office my heart would beat faster. Every time I got a message on my phone I hoped it was him. I had never felt that way about anyone. 

Stuart, my ex-boss/ex-boyfriend took me out for drinks one night while this all was happening and he said Mahhhhgaux (he’s British) married men never leave their wives.

Adam is smart. He is handsome. And kind. And as much as I tell myself he never really loved me I think he did. When it was over, I tried to kill myself. After everything I had lost, I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it. Without the beach house and those kids.

Whatever the outcome was, Adam was my BIG love and the catalyst that got me to wake up and get out of the cult. I will always love him for that. I owe him my second life.

A Few Good Men

Y'all know that I love my girls. Thankfully, I decided to leave the JWs and I was able to save a couple of those life long friendships that I wouldn't have anymore if I hadn't been kicked out too. I have a few girls here in Toronto that are like sisters to me. I can count on them being there when I need them. My aunts and Grandma are amazing.

But this post is about the boys. In no particular order: my uncle, my dad, my boss, my therapist, my roomate and my ex-boyfriend.

When I was home this summer, I talked to my uncle about how I had a hard time finding real meaning in life without my religious beliefs. He told me he found meaning in helping his family. If that's the case, I've provided him with enough meaning to get through a long time out from here. He has been my rock in a storm. He's not all that touchy-feely but he gave me a lot of hugs and he's taken really good care of me.

My dad and I have had our ups and downs like any crazy, messed up family would. But we always love each other and find our way back to being us. I think I'm the most like him out of my siblings and even though I think he tried to kill me this past summer by taking me on a huge hike through woods and lakes and sand dunes on the hottest day of the year without any water - it's still one of my favorite days I had this past year.

My boss/mentor/friend has believed in me so many times this past year when I didn't believe in myself. It's been almost a year since the incident with my sister's wedding. I haven't been on my game. I started a new job and to be honest, I haven't been great at it. Which is strange for me, I'm used to being good at things.

I wish y'all had known me as a JW (I also wish you didn't, because I probably would have annoyingly tried to convert you) but I was on top of things. I was the perfect little elders wife in a Vietnamese congregation. I was too young to be married and too young to take care of so many other people. I burnt out. And then my sister kicked me out of her wedding. And then Donia died. My boss sees past the circumstances and thinks I'm smart and I have potential. Every time he tells me that, I believe it a little more.

My therapist is not conventional. That's why I like him. He probably knows me better than anyone else. He'll do our sessions by phone if I can't leave the house. The second time I became suicidal, he just gave me a hug and said he'd miss me and let me go home. He didn't call anyone (which I know is not what he's supposed to do). It made me feel like he trusted me to make the right choice this time and I was in charge of my own life. He's offered to take me to the hospital after I tried to check myself in and they didn't think I seemed "sad enough" to get help. He's treated me for free when I ran out of money even though he charges $200 an hour. He cut his rates in half this year when I went back.

My roomate and my ex-boyfriend: spoiler alert - they hate each other. They put up with each other though, because they both love me. Both of them have been there to pick me up at the hospital after all of the surgeries I've had this past year. They both make sure I eat, hold my hand when I'm sad, sent me care packages when I was out east in the summer. They walk my dog.

It's true that men sometimes have a harder time getting in touch with and dealing with feelings. My struggle with depression and anxiety hasn't been easy. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and Religious Trauma Syndrome. These guys have all stepped out of their comfort zones to try to understand and be supportive.

Everyone knows I'm terrible at dating. Guys like me but they never stick around. I'm not sure I really need a life partner though. It's nice to be with someone. Maybe though, I'm too complicated to rely on just one guy. With the crew I have behind me now, I've managed to weather the worst of storms. I feel strong and motivated and happy. And I have a dog. :)

So I want to say thank you to all the awesome men in my life. And to their women who share them with me. I have Max for the next 10-12 years and he couldn't leave me if he wanted to. :)

Happy Holidays from us.

Sullivan out.

The Fighting Irish

I have a problem. I can't stop dating Irish guys. I wish there was a program like AA or NA where it was "Irish Anonymous". You would think I would have learned my lesson by now. Even Irish #1 told me to stay away from them.

I got to Irish #3. We dated last summer. He treated me very badly. He was probably bored so he called me on Saturday night. I was home alone crying because one of the best friends I've ever had is dying. He said: Let me come over, I'll just cuddle you and make you feel better.

And he did. He was so sorry for his previous behaviour. He said he was coming back every day until he earned my trust back. To be there for me through this difficult time. I am an Irish addict so I believed him.

The next day? He had to go to work. Unfortunately if you want to be an asshole in the life we are living in right now, you should delete the person you are lying to on FaceBook. Instead of letting them scroll through their feed and see pictures of you on the beach, when you're supposed to be at work, with some trashy looking blonde.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. The Irish in me never lets me lose the fight. For that I'm grateful.

For the ex-boyfriends who have been such good friends to me since I've been back in Toronto - I'm grateful. For my dad and stepmom, I'm grateful. For my girlfriends who have been so loyal to me, I'm grateful.

One of my exs used to call me a "mother fucking piece of shit". It was and still is his favorite expression. It was all in fun. My girlfriend and I both adopted it. We're both Irish and it seems us Irish have some problems being normal. But...I don't need a guy. Especially a lying, cheating one. That mother fucking piece of shit. 

Irish #3? Please don't ever call me again. The rest of us? We'll keep up the fight. We're good people even when we're bad. :)

Sullivan out.

Double your joy, divide your pain

I've seen different variations of this quote about Friendship. Basically though, that's what true friendship does. It doubles our joys in life, cuts the griefs in half. I'm not a huge fan of FaceBook but until everyone realizes Instagram is so much better - it's okay. They have a new feature where they send you pictures of where you were on this day "x" many years ago. Yesterday I got this one:

I wish I was there today! That was in the Bahamas. I was with a very good friend of mine. We had a fabulous vacation - one of the best I think I've ever had. The people were great, the food was great, the scenery and towns were amazing and I was with my best friend. 

Funny story: we actually met on a dating website. Hey, how else is a newly divorced ex-Jehovah Witness going to meet eligible men? When he wanted to meet me I was terrified. You grow up hearing over and over how all those men out there in "the world" are dangerous, they're only after one thing, they won't respect you and on and on. 

I wouldn't go on a real date but I decided I would meet him in a crowded food court between our offices. I actually stood there, watching him wait while peeking around a corner for about ten minutes trying to decide what to do. He was tall and handsome - no doubt about it. But I wasn't sure if I could go through with it. I did and we dated for awhile. The first time he came over to visit me at my apartment I hid a great big knife in case he tried to attack me. (I was brainwashed people! So brainwashed!)

Eventually we realized we were better off as friends and by that time he really was my best friend. He had introduced me to his daughter and his parents and eventually they became my really good friends too. His parents even let me and one of my subsequent boyfriends stay overnight on their yacht after a day of sailing because that poor guy was deathly allergic to my cat. His dad signs all his messages to me as "D" (for dad). His mom knits me scarves.

He and I have seen each other through a lot, losing friends, losing lovers, changing jobs and situations in life. Having someone there to hold your hand or give you a hug really does cut the grief in half. When I went through my recent bout of depression he just called and said "I'm on my way over". 

Then there's the doubling the joy part. Going sailing, dancing, skating, to karaoke, playing laser tag with his daughter, BBQ'ing with his parents...we go to shows and concerts and buskerfest (one of the best days I had last summer actually). I honestly don't really know where I'd be without my "family" of these people to keep me grounded. And because there are four of them, the joy is much more than double what I bargained for. Can you guess where I'm going for Easter dinner on Sunday? Home. :)

Sullivan out. 

All I want for Christmas...

Is exactly what I have. 

I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes us insane. Yesterday I walked into my friends work. He's gay and when he decided to live the life that was true to him, his JW family cut him off and never came back. 

Him: How's it going Maggie? (Only one other person has ever nicknamed me that. I secretly love it.)

Me: (Sighs as she drops her shopping bags.) Christmas is hard work. Maybe I was better off in the cult. 

He laughed and laughed. He gets me. :)

I was feeling kinda crazy though. My psychic told me in the summer that I had bad karma. And if I paid her $300 she could get rid of it for me. That the love of my life was out there and we were both unhappy apart. If I removed the bad karma he would come back. 

So - yes I know as I'm typing this I'm an idiot - I emailed him. All I said was Merry Christmas. He sent me a note back and I cried and cried. And I called the psychic three times, determined to fix this before Christmas. She didn't pick up and I think the Universe was sending me a message. 

I realized I don't want him to come back unless that's what he wants. I honestly don't need a man in my life, I just miss him sometimes. I really did love him. But last night my brother came over and we watched a cheesy Christmas movie and opened all our presents. We're not big on waiting until Christmas morning. I woke up this morning with someone I truly care about. We have a pretty tree, two cats and way too much chocolate. 

The first guy I dated after my two year hiatus after getting divorced gave me the best gift ever - he let me into his family. I haven't seen him in awhile, but I got a call this morning to come over for dinner. His family has been my family for so long now I can't imagine there was ever a time we weren't all together. I showed up for turkey dinner. I have my own spot at the table. I let his daughter give me pink highlights which may or may not have been the best idea depending on whether or not they wash out before I have to go back to work. 

He's as handsome as ever. And I'm so happy he's home. I'm so grateful for everything and everyone I have. I have a whole family again, I have a new family that I've build over the past few years. It's been hard, I won't lie. 

If you're not happy though, tearing everything down and building it up again can make you the happiest person ever. Pushing boundaries, letting new people in...it's all worth it. Like I said at the beginning of this post...all I want for Christmas is exactly what I have now. Thank you all for being a part of that. And I hope you've found exactly what you're looking for too. 

Sullivan out. 

PS: Merry Christmas!! xo

Get the Guy

I would have given you all of my heart. But there's someone who's torn it apart. And she's taken just all that I had, but if you want I'll try to love again, baby, I'll try to love again but I know...the first cut is the deepest. - Rod Stewart

Yes, it's been a cheesy old people music kind of day. I hate to be a complainer but I'm so tired. Never take a few months off work, even if you're really sick because it's so hard to get back into your routine. I just want to take naps and stay home. 

I do however love my neighbourhood. We're all friends here. I went into a store today and the guy working there called me Maggie. Maybe that's what set off my Rod obsession (for all you teenagers out there Maggie May is a very popular Rod Stewart song) but no one has ever really nicknamed me. Okay, not "no one". My little brother calls me Marge. I hate it. My sister calls me Aux. But only one other person has ever called me Maggie, which I'm actually fine with. He was one of the best friends I ever had, who turned out to be one of the worst friends I ever had.

Men. I've always been unlucky, which I knew even though the JWs don't believe in luck. When my ex husband wanted to marry me I told him my bad luck would wear off on him. He considered himself extremely lucky and said no, his good luck would wear off on me. WRONG. 

It seems like everyone I know got engaged this month. I'm happy for all of them. But I have reservations about marriage. I feel like I've been to the puppet show, I've seen the strings. Since my divorce I've tried really hard to put myself back out there. I've dated everyone. Tall, short, slim, chubby, white, black, brunettes, redheads, blondes. 

There have been three guys in my life that I was absolutely crazy about. The rest were nice guys I've been lucky to spend some time with.  I realized in the midst of all this wedding news, I don't know what I want. I thought I wanted to find love again, have a kid. Be a normal person. I'm not normal though. I've given it a good try. It never works out for me. 

Right now, I care about me. My life, my siblings, my job, my friends, my happiness. I'm just a fucked up girl who really doesn't know if she needs or even wants a man anymore. I feel completely complete without one and I'm happy. I have my girls, my gay boys, my lovely ex-boyfriends, my adopted family. I feel surrounded by love and support from the best people in the world. If it happens again, great. If I stumble upon someone who is a great best friend, a wonderful lover and completely into being mutually supportive, I'll give it a shot. But I'm not going to try to chase it down anymore. Matthew Hussey is disappointed with me. He really wants me to try to "get the guy". :)

I just don't believe "getting the guy" is the purpose of life. We don't need someone to complete us. We complete ourselves, with a little help from the fabulous people around us. You'll have to excuse me, now I have to go and help plan a bunch of weddings. 

Sullivan out. 

The Bride

"If it ain't broke, don't marry it." - Samantha, Sex and the City

Today is my wedding anniversary. I'm not even sure if it's still technically my anniversary now that he's been married to his new wife for two years, but it still feels like it is. 

Had I known I would wake up one day and decide to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, ask him to come with me and he would say no, choose them over me...I may never have made the choice to get married. Or maybe I would have. Who of us can say what decisions we would have made differently knowing the outcome?

My dad knew. Daddy rented me a white Rolls Royce, the icing on the cake for my absolutely perfect wedding. As we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, he leaned over, looked me in the eye and said "We don't have to do this. We have a car. We can leave right now."  

No way. I was young and naive and nothing was going to stop me from walking down that aisle and marrying the man I loved. Not the nagging doubts, not the fighting between us, not the fact that his family never liked me in the first place. Not the fact that my family didn't like him all that much either. 

We'd been friends since we were 15. He was tall and handsome with the bluest eyes anyone has ever seen. He was brilliant and incredibly funny. No other man has been able to make me laugh so hard that I cry. In the end, we both hurt each other, both broke promises we made. But I don't regret it. He was an excellent choice for my first husband, for the person I was when we were together. 

Will I ever get married again? Probably not. No matter what happens, who I date, he is still my husband in my mind. We were not meant to be together, but we managed to do it for over a decade despite that. Our last anniversary together, we both knew it was past the point of no return. He used to make me pick out my own anniversary presents and plan the day, but that day he didn't. It was really special. 

We may have made a mistake in getting married. But sometimes mistakes are what make us who we are, shape our future. Give us something we would have missed in our life, even if we didn't know we could have had it. 

I'm terrible at dating, I don't trust people, I push them away. It's like I'm lost at sea without a lighthouse to show me the way home. Or an anchor to ground me. 

At the end of the day though, I'm happy he's found happiness. I wish him well. I spent a beautiful day on the lake with my friends today and I feel at peace with what we had, what we lost and what's been found again.

Fourteen years ago, he left me a note before he left one night. It said: "I know all about those other guys. The ones with the athletic thighs. I know all about the time before. Kissing at your front door. They might make you think you're happy. Maybe for a minute or two. They can't make you laugh. They can't make you feel the way I do."

You were right darling. I miss you. 

Sullivan out. 

Ps. Yes, that is a flask in my hand. Scotch. :)

Be Happy : )

Soooo, I had an interesting comment on my blog today. For your reading pleasure:

Why am I reading this? I was expecting to get the perspective and experience of someone who bravely left an abusive cult. Instead, I'm getting a shallow soap-opera of an attention seeking diva, who feels the need the delve on her breakfast and her latest lover. And who's sole accomplishment is to appear in the national enquirer.

I don't care about your FB-type status updates. I don't care about your input on relationships; you're so focused on your inner ramblings that you're clearly incapable of showing true perspective and empathy towards those that may need help.

You're clearly on your way to glory, or so you might think. I would just rather you accept your contribution to what it really is: pointless self-complacent yawning dabble that no one will remember the day you forget to post your vomitus. And leave the real meat to those who have both the inclination and the ability to reach out.

Enjoy your Sex in the City audience. It won't last. Meanwhile, I'll look for real help somewhere else.

Regards,

A suffering ex-JW. 

First of all, I'm sorry you are suffering, apparently all the more so now having been exposed to my blog. My advice? PLEASE don't read me anymore. It will be better for both of us. 

If this individual had read through the library of blogs I've accumulated over the past couple of years, they would see that there are SO MANY posts where I've openly and honestly exposed the WT society for their unkindness and self-serving control over their followers.

There have been a lot of blogs where I speak out about the seriousness of mental health issues and how we need to break down the stigmas associated with that.

If they knew me, they would know I spoke at two sessions during mental health week at work on these issues in front of over 100 people each time. An important but still difficult step to put yourself out there because you feel so naked and exposed. And they would know how many people have contacted me since and said it really helped them.

That I spend most of my effort and mind space trying to be good at my job. That I'm a caring and compassion friend, who has helped many people who previously shunned me for years to figure out an escape strategy and listened to and supported them when they decided to leave the JWs.

I am an activist and I take what I do very seriously.

Two things though:

1) I will never hate on the JWs as a group. While I have issues with the WatchTower, the people are not all bad. Like any organization, business, religion, whatever (they're the same thing anyways) there are good, loyal, sincere people and there are bad people. ALL organizations are the same that way. I have suffered greatly but hating them will only hurt me. And there are so many good (yet misguided) people that I've left behind that I will always look back on with fondness. I refuse to give in to hate. Plus, I've been on the other side. When I got disfellowshipped, I called a girlfriend I hadn't talked to in years. We were like sisters. And she picked up the phone and we picked up where we left off. That's unconditional love.

2) Life can't always be serious. We need the fun times, the laughter to be good at what we do the other 80% of the time. That's what keeps us going, keeps us young.

Sometimes, I just want to talk about boys or lipgloss or how awesome was Game of Thrones this week? I work hard at working hard on the hard stuff. But that's not all of who I am. I believe in what I do in that area, but I also believe in love, I believe in friendship, I believe in being silly sometimes. And that's ok because I've stopped doubting myself a long time ago. This is who I am and I like it.

I don't know about their comment on enjoying my "Sex in the City audience while it lasts". Sex and the City had a pretty good run. I'm pretty sure I will too. And at the end of the day, this is MY blog. If you don't like it, fuck off. If you honestly are looking for support, someone to talk to, some help, I'm here. Even if I do just talk about boys sometimes. : )

Get it Right

You're breaking my heart, I'm holding on tight. 
Someday we'll get it right. 
I'd call you my darling but you'd put up a fight. 
Someday we'll get it right. 

Good song. You should click for background music. It's not going to take you more than three minutes to read this blog anyways. 

I received a text in the middle of the night. Happens more than you'd think. I got a new phone last week so all the archived ex-men are gone. It's okay, I kinda felt like it was a new slate to write on. 

I got home from yoga though and was mildly curious about it. Sidepoint: this 30-day yoga challenge is killing me. I saw who was teaching this morning when I walked in and if I could have slipped out some back door, I would have. His class is the worst/best thing in the world. 

I start investigating the phone number issue. To my extreme shock and surprise, it was Him. "Big". Of course I wrote down his number and hid it somewhere before I deleted it. I haven't heard from him in what? A year? 

Wasn't expecting to ever hear from him again. 

One of my friends says that if you don't remember it, it didn't happen. I guess I can buy into that and let this 2 am drunk text go. He and I are obviously never going to "get it right". 

I called Liz, she wasn't picking up. I sent her a note: call me NOW. She had asked me the other day what would I be willing to do for the love of my life?

I've already done that. I left everyone I'd ever known, ever loved, to try to be with Him. It wasn't an experiment, I can't go back. It worked out for the best but I won't lie. I know y'all don't get it, but part of me is always, always waiting for him to show back up. Tell me I didn't do all of that for nothing, that he still loves me and still wants to try to make things work. Keep all the promises he made to me so many years ago. 

That's not gonna happen. As much as I can try to believe in "true love", it just wasn't in the cards for me. I believe you get your one shot at that in life. And we messed it up. I see all the comments y'all have been posting lately on here. You can call me a slut all you want. Truth is, I never have to be alone unless I choose that. I won't apologize for that. Maybe that makes me lucky. Maybe that's what makes me so jaded now. Not being alone doesn't mean you're not lonely. At this point, they're all just different versions of the same guy. But we can't give up trying right?

Big left a really big mess behind when he went away. I think he'd be pretty proud of my life now though. I am. And at least we both had that chance to be drunk, crazy, madly in love once in our lives.  

Maybe someday I'll get it right. 

Sullivan out. 

"Big"

I went on a date the other night. This guy looks so much like that guy. Y'all know who I'm talking about, the one I was mad about, the one who ruined everything in my life and made everything right at the same time. Let's just say he's my "Big". 

It's like the Universe reincarnated him into some cute 28 year old and sent him back to me. I know, I know he's not dead so he can't be reincarnated. I know stuff about religion. I also know I should not be dating 28 year olds. :)

It's still strange. Even personality wise they are very similar. They grew up in the same area. I can't decide if going down this road is the best or worst idea I've ever had. Probably worst but you know me, I'll see how it plays out. 

Big - if you're wondering, I still miss you every day. I know you are my soulmate and this whole dating thing is just an exercise in futility. But what else can I do? Give up? Not this girl. Besides, if you can decide to settle for second best, so can I. 

I've got so many other things on the go right now with work stuff, family stuff, trying to talk myself out of adopting these two drunk kittens (that's another story), I'm really not obsessing about this. I've also gotten to the point where I realize it's been way too long since I got my hair done or seen my therapist. Time to get back on track for spring and hair and mind are equally critical. :) 

Still, I can't help but stare at him. He notices. 

The Universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humour. - Carrie

Jane Austen would be disappointed.

Phone rings. 

Me: Hey. I didn't go on my date tonight. 

My girlfriend: I knew you wouldn't, why do you think I'm calling you? You probably went to yoga, came home and poured a glass of wine and thought, fuck that. 

Me: I also made a grilled cheese sandwich. (Matthew Hussey frowns.)

Her: And you're probably smoking out your window. (Now, we all know I don't smoke, but if I did, could I be any more Carrie Bradshaw?)

I've probably just been listening to way too much Pitbull but then I had a great idea.

Me: We should go dancing on Saturday. 

Now I usually hate clubs, and most of the time I feel way too old for them. It might be the new haircut or all the time off work, but I can't think of anything that would be quite as much fun right now than drinking gin and tonic, wearing high heels, fishnets, lots of makeup and dancing. Maybe kiss some random handsome stranger. 

And there you have it.  This is why my dad doesn't read my blog anymore. And why Jane Austen would never have tea with me. 

She is one of my heroes, and I can relate to her sensitive, romantic soul. I'll probably end up exactly the same way she did: one great love affair that didn't work out and then I die young, with only my brother by my side. Then he publishes my book and everyone reads it after I'm dead. (Henry was also in finance, and he seemed pretty cool, but I'm sure my brother would do the same for me.)

At least I don't have to wear long dresses and put my hair up everyday. Or drink tea. I bet though, that given the chance, Jane might just let her hair down and come out dancing with us on Saturday. :) 

"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere." - Jane

Face Time

This is exciting. Thanks to my brilliant boss, I've figured out how to enhance my blog to make it totally better. Check it out: on the right side: most popular blogs from the past month. So you don't have to read the crappy ones. :)

Please click on the ads, apparently I've made a whole $12 without even knowing it because I didn't know how to set that up properly. Now that it's done, Google will be sending me a check. I'm going to spend it wisely.

At the bottom of the page, you can hit buttons to share me on FaceBook, Twitter, Google+. If you help me out I'll give you my $12. Remember: if Dumb and Dumber taught us anything, it's that an IOU is better than money.

And the best part - for all you Europeans, Asians, South Americans, is that there is now a translate button at the very bottom so you can read me in your own language. I'm sure something gets lost in the translation though, as a warning. It's like trying to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez in English, or worse yet, watching the movie version of Love in the Time of Cholera (El amor en los tiempos del cólera).

Speaking of love, I've decided to dispense some more relationship advice this time around. I know what you're thinking and you're right. Why should you listen to me? The one girl who always ends up single while all her girlfriends constantly "relationship". Have you thought though, that maybe that's exactly the reason why I'm the best person to tell you this?

I've been listening to y'all bitch and moan about what you aren't getting from your current (seemingly fine) relationship. And what I would like to tell you is that: no relationship is perfect. Far from it actually. In the world of FaceBook and Instagram, we all look at each other and envy what the other person has. We compare our lives to everyone else's and obviously they are succeeding where we are failing. One person has someone who is there all the time, to do family dinners and take them on trips and build a home together but craves the emotional intimacy they feel lacking. Another one, has the seemingly perfect partner, while they are secretly sad said partner never thinks in couple terms about the future, and only lives in the single-life mindset. Or what about the relationship with the guy with the great job, who owns his own property and wants to settle down and have a family, but refuses to be affectionate?

I'm going to do you all a favour and make it very simple to understand. There are just a few basic wants and needs your woman has and here they are:

1) Emotional Intimacy: a deep, personal attachment and connection. She can tell you how she feels and you understand and communicate your feelings, needs, emotions back to her. Easier said than done, I know, but without this, she feels lonely and misunderstood.

2) Affection. This has nothing to do with sex. (Although, gawd, you're an adult, have sex with your girlfriend already.) Hugs, a kiss on the cheek or forehead, hold her hand when you're walking home from work. That's it, this one is easy.

3) Commitment. It's not easy to love you if we feel like we might wake up tomorrow and you're not going to be there. Be there. We need reassurance and consistency.

4) Validation and acceptance. We need to know our feelings and opinions matter and you will take those into account when we make decisions together. Even if you make a decision that contradicts ours, we need to know you considered all our inputs as valid. We need to have a voice that's heard.

5) Quality time. Men and women are very different in this respect. It's been proven that men feel that they've spent quality time with their partner when they've spent the night watching tv together on the couch. Women need that connection, that conversation to feel like it's been a quality interaction. That doesn't need to happen every night, but it needs to factor into how you view the quality of your relationship. Face Time.

Face time is something women are good at, and I'm not just talking about the iPhone app. I did recently get an iPhone though, as y'all know, and for me and my girlfriends who aren't in Toronto, we all know how important it is to make that tiny special effort to look each other in the face and feel our bond, even of only for a few minutes. It kicks the ass of text messages, emails and even phone calls. Do it. She'll feel oh-so-special and love you for it.

Now, I'm not saying you have to do all the work. But this is some pretty basic, free advice that I'm giving you here, and at $150 a pop at relationship counselling, you should at least think about it. Men and women, we're programmed differently. We don't get each other but we can keep trying.

And PS don't feel bad for me that I'm home alone writing blogs while y'all are cuddling on dates. If things don't work out here in Toronto, maybe I'll end up marrying the American or Vienna so the time I spent alone working, going to school and learning to speak German and American will really pay off. It's all going to work out in the end if we stay true to ourselves and remember, when you choose to really be in a relationship, life stops being about you and starts being about someone else. And when they're happy, you'll be happy too. Trust me.

A Few Good Men

I have another funny date story from the weekend. I met up with 27 yesterday (This is a new 27, not the one from last year. He's 28 now, even though I'm still just 27.). :)

We went for brunch, he's super cute but as I had anticipated, a little too 27 for me. We went back to his place which was around the corner and watched funny videos, laughed, talked. He has THREE roomates, guys walking around half naked from the shower in a towel or eating scrambled eggs with way too much ketchup. I accidentally let the cat out and ended up chasing her/him around the block because God forbid I lose a guy's cat on the first date.

As he's surfing the net for fun stuff to watch he pulls up my blog. Apparently I'm not as well hidden as I mean to be. I thought you'd have to at least know my last name to find me on Google but apparently "Margaux+blog+Toronto" can get you there. My blog, right there, first option on the list.

So now the gig is up, but I'm not really all that worried about it. First date, would I prefer you find out who I am by spending a little bit of time with me instead of reading my entire life story on the internet? Sure. But reality with Margaux means you'll hear the whole thing eventually, so if you can't handle it, best you move on now before I care about you too much.

I wrote a blog awhile back called The X Factor, and at that time, I really did believe you could stay friends with someone you've been romantically involved with. Now though, especially after the events of the past few weeks, not so much. You can, until you decide to move on, get back in the game, then apparently you become the worst person they have ever met.

I have to interject here, after spending some significant amount of time listening to girlfriends complain about their current relationships, that I do believe it is the brave and honest thing to do when you end a relationship that's not what you're looking for and decide to be alone again instead of living a dissatisfied and un-true to yourself life. But that's just me.

Anyways. There is one guy who was an awesome boyfriend and never pulled the after break-up shit. I was thinking about him today when he popped up on FaceBook chat. This is the guy who was not only a great boyfriend, he was a great after-boyfriend. He never read my blog and sent me nasty messages because I was seeing someone new. He never called me names or deleted me from FB or made me feel bad for going back out there to try to find what I wanted.

I know what y'all are thinking, ohhhh The American is always the perfect guy on this blog. But he pretty much is. And now he's coming to New York which is a hell of a lot closer than he ever was since he left Toronto.

Would I like to move to New York and marry a lawyer? Hell yah. But I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed. Most of the guys I've dated the past couple of years have been pretty nice (with the exception of the lying, sociopathic, shit-disturber, you know who you are) but at the end of the day, there really are only a few really good men out there. Don't let them get away!  

The Fairy Princess

I'm only putting this out there because A) y'all have read too many serious Margaux blogs lately and B) I'm sure this happens all the time and none of us talk about it, but if we did we'd all feel less idiotic.

Last night I had a date. Let's call him...Halifax. So the first time we met things were pretty laid-back, maritimers always get along, especially when some whisky is involved. Yesterday, he texts me and this is how it went:

Him: If you want to grab a drink downtown after work let me know.

Me: Can I wear a costume?

Him: Yes.

Me: Will you be wearing a costume?

Him: Yes.

Me: Yay! I love it. What time?

Then I go home and spend the next 2 hours evolving into a fairy princess. My bestie picked me up a $5 dress from Walmart which was way, way too big so a million safety pins and a couple of hours later, I am all dressed up and doused in sparkles.

I head down to the bar and order a drink. About ten minutes later, he walks in, coming straight from work...wearing a suit. Fairy Princess dies a slow, painful death.

And then I suck it up. Because the best part about Halloween is you can be anyone you want to be. And fairy princesses probably really don't care what anyone else is wearing, no matter how ridiculous you look, even if it is only the second date.

Dark Before Dawn

You gotta love technology. Being stuck in the past as long as I was, I was more surprised than anyone else when in a spur of the moment decision, I got rid of my BlackBerry and got an iPhone instead.

Why I didn't do this years ago, I don't know. It's awesome. And there you have it folks, that's the most exciting thing that's happened in weeks. Which is why, of course, I haven't been writing. It's probably just that fall is coming to an end, winter is coming (I finally caught up on Game of Thrones) but I've been feeling a bit down. Still.

"They" always say it's darkest before dawn. And "they" are right. What they don't tell you is that dawn can last an awfully long time. I think that's why I've been feeling the way I have. Before all the JWs start posting shit on my blog, let's be very clear I'm a happy person and this has nothing to do with you. But all of us can find ourselves at that spot where we've been working so hard (school, work, relationships, life) and it seem like nothing ever changes. Do you know what I mean?

It's not that I haven't been promoted at work or that I haven't had a break-through on the writing side, it's not that I haven't found "the one", it's not even that I have great friends but I still feel alone. It's the combination of all those things, plus, winter is coming.

On the work front, I shouldn't be surprised. Do I stress about it at nauseum, worry about it when I should be sleeping? Yes. But my boss knows this isn't really what I want. His great advice to me this week was to quit school and get a weekend job as a bartender so I can move to NYC and be a writer. Awesome.

School? Is fine. I'm type A, you're looking at As across the board here.

Relationships. I can't complain, the men I've dated have been lovely. Finding the right one, not as easy though, especially if you think you've already found him and he got away. Friends? I love my friends. I hate it though when all of them are in relationships at the same time. #lonelyweekends #thirdwheel

So I got out of the darkness, but the dawn dragging on this long is slightly depressing. Will it last? No, nothing ever lasts. It gets bad, it gets worse, it gets better.

In the meantime, if you're in my 'hood bring me a cupcake. I'm sad.

The Ethical Slut

It has been another interesting week. I won't bore/disgust you with the details, but I had a bit of a medical emergency. I'd been having some pretty intense pain for 5 or 6 days, finally on Tuesday, I decided it was getting worse and not better, so I went to see my family doctor. Who took one look at me and sent me straight to Emergency at Mt. Sinai. And just like that, I missed half a week of work. The only thing that didn't hurt like hell was lying on the couch, so unless you count watching 2 seasons of Breaking Bad, I didn't really accomplish anything this week.

I know what you're thinking. Breaking Bad Margaux, really? What happened to Game of Thrones? Well, I have a confession to make. I've realized and already come to terms with the fact that I am polyamorous. That's right. I can love both Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones at the same time. And of course, there is always Dexter, who was my first, and will always be my favorite. I'm reading The Ethical Slut right now in an effort to figure the whole thing out and I'm telling you, those girls would get it.

I can't help but think about how drastically my life has changed since the first time I ended up in Emerg, 4 years ago. I was completely alone, I hadn't had an asthma attack in about 10 years, so I didn't have any medication around when it happened. The stress of being disfellowshipped, of Travis leaving, of the reality of everything that had happened must have pushed me back over the edge. I got to the hospital, and as it ends up, my health card had expired. So they were going to charge me something ridiculous like $400 to see a doctor. I had lost my job, my credit card was maxed, I had no one to call. So I sat alone in the waiting room until it passed. I figured if I couldn't breathe and started to turn blue they'd have to do something. Ethically.

This time though, everything was different. Despite telling him not to, my guy showed up before I even saw a doctor. Took me home, got me groceries. Lizzie was there after work to drop off my computer (ok, I did a little bit of work on the couch).

There were people dropping in, checking up, taking care of me. Now, this is still a novelty to me, always having been the one who took care of everyone else. Even my friend from work would check in everyday, offering to pick up anything I needed. Then, this happened. I got an email from my mother. It was a Watchtower article of course, but I just ignored that and wrote her back and told her what was going on. She offered to bring me dinner. She called my brother and sister and both of them called me last night.

I find it hilarious, this whole situation. For three years, I've been reinstated as a JW and mother and sister wouldn't have anything to do with me. I think they thought it would force me to come around, come back. That's what they teach, you know. Withhold your relationship and your family member will be so sad and lonely, they will have no choice but to come back. Except, I called their bluff. I actually moved on and built a great life, with great people, where I was very happy. Then, I told my story and before it came out in print, I gave them the heads up. I told them what I'd done, that I was an apostate and that I loved them and wanted to say goodbye. And it's funny, because all those years that I stayed low-key and tried to make this work - no progress. Now though, after admitting to committing this terrible "crime" against the JWs, it's like nothing ever happened. They are choosing to completely ignore it and plan family dinners instead. Like it never happened. I will never understand it. But it seems I'm getting off the hook for this one. The elders don't even seem to want to try to hunt me down and punish me.

Let's hope it's because they've realized that fear tactics, isolation, shunning and a general lack of love has no place in an organization that proclaims to be Christian. That's probably not it though. I think what's happened here is that they realized they completely fucked up in how they handled me, and they want to wash their hands and sweep it under the carpet.

It wouldn't be the first time or the last where that's happened, but the great thing about it is: I don't care anymore. We went to the market this morning, and my guy, as usual, bought me two bouquets of fresh flowers. One is blood red, one sunny yellow. And I think this is where me, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and Dexter all have something in common. I'm sure you can relate too, which is why these shows are so popular. We all have both sides in us, the dark and the light. We might go most of our lives living in the light until something pushes us into the dark. That doesn't make us bad it just taps us into that other conflicting side of ourselves. The challenge we have then is to help them live in harmony.

My secret life friend wrote me a poem once, he called it Blackbird. One line stuck with me: "turning feathers black to white, her crow became a dove". I'm pretty sure it's possible to be in the light, live through the darkness and come back out the other side, where it's sunnier than ever. It happened to me. :)

Sullivan out.

Church Girls

It's been a quiet few days. Even Matthew Hussey hasn't been sending out helpful video blogs on how to "Get the Guy".

I seem more adept at losing the guy, and I won't lie, a few days into my newest break-up, I haven't made the best use of my vacation week. There were so many things I was going to do, spring cleaning, shopping, yoga. So far I've managed to clean the kitty litter, nap, answer the odd work email (I know, I know, I have a problem) and spend 3 days reading Game of Thrones. Today was epic though, because it finally, finally stopped raining and...I read Game of Thrones in the park and didn't check my BlackBerry once.

Disclaimer: Do not start reading Game of Thrones if you have an addictive personality and are NOT on vacation. It's like, 800 pages long and sucks you in before you can scream for help. And apparently there are 5 books.   

I thought it was appropriate that it rained so hard the past few days though, I always love the rain when I'm feeling melancholy. (I know, it's a great word.)

But today the sun came back out, I got groceries, am meeting up with a girlfriend tonight. Tomorrow, is yoga first thing in the morning, followed by a long-overdue trip to see my therapist (I actually booked appointments two days in a row. Let's make this vacation count! Plus he has a lot to catch up on.).

Last night though, I met up with one of my little sisters from the old life. We haven't seen each other in about a year so it was great to see her. It's funny, (here we go with the cult shit again) they love to tell these stories on the platform at the Kingdom Hall, in the Watchtower, about how people decide to leave and it absolutely ruins their life. I wish I hadn't been so stupid as to give them another story to tell.

Regardless, can't change that now. As her and I caught up and re-bonded, I can't help but think it's too bad they tell those stories, always a somewhat modified rendition of the "Prodigal Son", who of course squandered his Father's fortune with wine and prostitutes, ended up desolate and desperate, begging his Father to take him back. The stories always end with how happy the person is that his family disowned him and shunned him for years, lest he had never visited the end of his wits, turned back and learned his lesson.

I'm sure some of us "Church Girls" who leave the faith do end up in harm's way and regret the decisions we make. And I think all of us have gone through a little bit of a reckless stage. How can you not, having grown up with a rule for everything from how you think to what you wear to how you speak, then losing your belief system and being out there alone, with no one and no rules.

We all made our mistakes. But seeing S. last night, as she shines her way through Law School at Queen's, knowing K. is happily married and just bought a beautiful house with her lovely husband after finishing school for something she was passionate about even though she already had a good job, M. just got a promotion and is back in school herself, me, doing well at a good job, making As at school, writing a blog on the side (that people actually read), having people who really love me filling up the extra time...I wish once in awhile they would tell that story. I understand why they don't. And every time any of us gets together, we talk about the past, what we lost, how crazy it all seems, even though we smile and respect whatever our families want to believe.

I'll tell you a secret: it's not wrong to believe in whatever we want to believe, as long as we respect the others and their belief system. But if you don't believe, it's ok to leave. You'll be fine eventually. Trust me. : )