In My Blood

I'm supposed to be writing a paper for school. Shhhh! Don't tell my boyfriend. :)

How much of my mother has my mother left in me? How much of my love will be insane to some degree? I'm worried about this feeling that I'm never good enough will it wash out in the water or is it always in my blood?

How much of my father am I destined to become? Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone? Will I let this woman kill me or do away with jealous love? Will it wash out in the water or is it always in my blood?

I can feel the love I want. I can feel the love I need. It's never going to come the way I am. Could I change it if I wanted? Can I rise above the flood?  Does it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood? 

The bloodline, the stars, our past lives, what governs the things that are out of our control? That no matter who we try to be, we repeat the past over and over. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. Does that mean we are all insane?

My sister had this book displayed in her apartment "All Families are Insane". I think the insane part is no matter how much we work to make our own families, our bloodlines call to us. It's a temptation that is always there. We want to be loved. Accepted. By them. No mater how many people come along who do and will love us- unconditionally - there is always a part of our heart that is absent, missing, not willing to show up to the party and try. Or maybe that's just me. Would I trade one for the other? Not in a million years. That means I'll never 100% get there.

But more than halfway is good enough for me. The rest, the part that will always be in my blood is broken and you can't call a doctor to fix that. Maybe someday it'll wash out in the water. It's Thanksgiving weekend, be kind to your family. :)

Sullivan out.

The Unwanted Visitor

I can't make any promises about not writing about this again a few times before June. It's my 10 year out of the cult into the real world anniversary coming up. I feel really good these days. My friends say I look great again, not the way I used to, all skinny and sick. I can honestly say I'm happy.

I feel like Margaux 2.0, just ten years older and a bit more weathered. That doesn't mean however that I won't have relapses. I've been through a lot of change this past year. I feel it's helping me grow, but people worry about me when I feel down. My therapist says that once you've been through a major depression it's prone to re-visit.

Sometimes something triggers it, sometimes it's just being tired, sad or frustrated. Sometimes it's because I really miss someone I've lost. I've learned coping skills on how to move ahead when that happens, but that doesn't mean it will stop it from happening once in awhile.

The reason I speak out about it is I feel I'm helping people by breaking the stigma. We could tuck it away in the closet and pretend we're fine all the time but I think that's what makes people crazy. Now my go-to is: Let it out. Cry. Spend a whole day wallowing if you need to. Take a nap. Watch something fun on Netflix. Then wipe your eyes and get up tomorrow knowing it's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. Depression Lies. Tell your unwanted visitor his time is up and he has to leave now.

I've always been a tiny (huge) bit dramatic and that's what us writers and artists are, aren't we? I don't think I'm that dramatic anymore because I feel safe and secure, but I still have those days when I need to focus on self-care. We were going out the other night to watch the Raptors play. On the way there Jay was like "Who's my crazy girl? You are. But you're MY crazy girl". He's right. I can be crazy. I'll go out for a walk and come home with a puppy or a kitten or someone who needs to crash on our couch indefinitely.

At the end of the day, it's refreshing to have someone who loves me not because were in the same cult or they're trying to control what I do, but because they think I deserve to be loved. Who sits with me when I cry sometimes. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and always says "we got this". Who helps me lock the door when my unwanted visitor comes calling. Who shows me I'm so much more than just someone who was raised in a cult, abandoned by most family and friends, who deals with depression every now and then.

This is real love and I know it doesn't happen every day. Whatever you're going through, there are people are out there who will love you regardless. Find your people. You have the power, you just have to believe in that for yourself. The sun is shining again and ps. get a dog :)

If you can't love yourself how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an Amen? *RuPaul

Sullivan out.

Ready to Run

When I got married, I knew I'd get divorced. My dad was walking me down the aisle and before we started he was like, we don't have to do this. We have a car outside. We can just leave. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. 

One of my favorite ex boyfriends used to call me "Little Flight Risk". He was a great guy. Wanted to marry me and have kids. Been there, done that. Not the having kids part but the wanting to.

I've become famous for leaving jobs. A friend called me the other day, he was like, just checking in. Wanted to see if you still had a job.

It's difficult to trust anyone when you've lost everyone. I really don't think I'm cut out to be a corporate Bay Street bitch anymore, so I think I'll just open a flower shop and put that MBA to good use. :)

The guy I'm with now? Oh, he's not my type. And how many times have I run away? I can't count. But. The other night I was freaking out because I was writing a paper and my printer stopped working. I'm old school and I cannot work on the internet. I needed my paper copies of all these studies I'm analyzing. So he went to an internet cafe (yes those still exist apparently) at 1 am and printed them all off. He won't let me quit my MBA (I have one course left so that would be stupid) but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. He always tells me to just go back to the flower shop and learn as much as I can from my boss and we'll figure out how to get our own thing going.

Sounds good to me. On one hand, I'm like where exactly was all this acceptance, support and love when I was growing up? On the other hand, I finally found it.

Yesterday was his birthday and I always think a birthday is a new beginning. If I were him, I'd start the new year by kicking me to the curb, but he hasn't so I'm pretty sure we're end game. I have loved very deeply in the past. While I still try to be a good person, I also try not to love too much because it always ends up hurting me. Before that happens, I run away. There is however something to be said for sticking it out.

Oh, the perils of self-improvement. This time I'm not leaving because it's worth the work to stay. Dammit. Guess I'm just finally in the right place. To quote RuPaul (which I never do) "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you ever gonna love someone else? Can I get an Amen!" Amen.

Sullivan out.

Beyond the Barricade

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I find myself without a past. I had one person left. (Wait for the book.)

People don't really get my relationship with my therapist. It's taken him a long time to "fix me". Too long in their eyes. I trusted in the process and I trust him. This couldn't have been an easy job. He told me he knew how sad I was that my last old life friend was taken from me by my family, what else did they have left to take? They went for the heart this time. I only blame myself for not seeing it coming from that crew.

Ross said think about it. She was the last link to your old life. You tell me sometimes you wake up confused because you dream you're still JW, you're still in your family, you're still married, you're still with your all old friends. Now, when you wake up it can really just be a dream. Shake it off and get on with your day. They are all GONE.

Would I trade everything for one day back there, in that life? There was a time I would have. Sometimes I call Jay "Travis" (I've never done that with anyone else) and we both pretend it never happened or maybe he doesn't even notice.  Either way, I'm with him. I love him. And with everyone else gone, I've come beyond the barricade and realized on the other side it's not entirely peaceful. It's the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I don't think it's circumstantial that I've been abused and taken advantage of out here. It happens in there too, to a lot of people and everyone should know that. It's me, I'm a different person. No one would have stood up to me before, but then I got broken and it started happening. I hate to say "me too" but it's true. It's happened.

Let's keep moving forward though and see what else is beyond the barricade. I learned the truth about myself. I have learned compassion, I have learned to grow. The finish line is immortal. The moments that define you have already happened and will happen again. And never, ever, ever, die before your death.

Sullivan out.

Don't Look Back in Anger

Spoiler alert: my boyfriend and I fight. Not a lot but sometimes. You see someone when you wake up in the morning, you go to bed with them, you vent about work and decide what to spend money on or what not to, who isn't doing the dishes, what music to listen to...the list goes on...you're gonna fight once in awhile.

It will always end in someone crying (me) and someone shaking their head (him) and then we work it out. We hug and say I love you. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I've ever gotten was "Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and fight."

I fought for a long time against the JWs. Did me speaking out really help some people? Yes it did. Did it help me? Yes it did. One of my girlfriends loves Leah Remini's "exposing the Scientologists" show. She's was like, I think of you every time I watch it. Leah did one last week on the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought it was really well done. It wasn't overly dramatic, it was factual and honest. All cults are essentially the same but she kept saying she couldn't believe how easily they tear families apart. It is so unnatural.

I got through half the show, then I made Jay watch the rest of it with me. He was like, I know them, I know what you've been through. He does. But he watched it and now he knows it better. I held it together, although any time they showed a clip of the videos the governing body puts out  (aka those super secret crazy rich 12 guys who run the Watchtower) I would cringe. They are so sketchy and I'm not going out on a limb saying they kind of seem clinically insane.

The thing that got me was the ending. They asked the people (ex-jws) who had come forward on the show to tell their stories what they would say if they could send JUST ONE message to their families who shun them. It was the same thing over and over. No anger, no hate. Just that they loved them and if there was any chance of reconciliation they would welcome that. But they just couldn't go back.

It's taken me 8 and a half years. I can honestly say that besides those creepy Watchtower dudes I have no anger towards any one of them. Some days I still look back. There is a sadness that will never go away. But I've moved on. Now, I have a completely perfect, imperfect little family now who are just like me. Trying to do the best in whatever situation that comes up and cuddling up together at night to feel safe and warm.

That's something that makes me smile every single day, that reinforces what I already know - I made the right decision. The only choice. And that's something I'll always stay up and fight for. Because, if I do, I know it's a happy ending. :)

Sullivan out.

About a Boy

How long have I known Jay? Who knows at this point. Five, six years? Maybe seven. My new life hasn't been longer than nine so he's been around for a lot of it. We're friends, we date, we break up, we're friends again. The only thing I know for sure is we never leave whatever this is.

As y'all know I haven't had the easiest time adapting to life on the outside. Jay is the one person who always saw through whatever I was going through and could see the real me. Not that he ever knew me in my past life, he got the other version of Margaux. But to him, that version was still smart, funny, beautiful and worth loving. He didn't take my crap though. That's why we kept breaking up. He's not like me. He doesn't have some profound need to be liked that makes him put up with bad behaviour from other people. He sticks up for himself. He sticks up for me.

I'm learning slowly that the only way to love someone else is to love yourself first. I've had a lot of boyfriends. And I don't think I ever realized that I deserved to be treated well. That I shouldn't put up with being male dominated, put down or lied to or cheated on. None of us do.

So at times, I've been a very bad girlfriend to him. We were younger then. We partied too much. Didn't sleep enough. Fought too much. But there were good times. He forced me to love Game of Thrones and implemented "no pants Sundays". He could iron chef something awesome from nothing in the cupboard.

Then we started to grow up and things started getting real. My cat died and I had a puppy dumped on me. I got sick for quite some time. I went home indefinitely. Jay would send me care packages with new clothes. He'd visit me every day I was in the hospital. Text me in the morning and ask what I wanted to eat because I'm picky and he knew I wouldn't eat hospital food. When one of my best friends was dying he'd drive me to the hospital and wait outside.

He supports all my stupid ideas like coming home randomly with new animals and doing an MBA while I work. Anytime he's off work and it's a nice day he takes us to the beach because that's my favorite place. He's been there for my siblings and my girlfriends and makes sure my dog is taken care of. (Max loves him to death but he's still mommy's boy.)

I guess all I really want to say is, we don't always understand where big love comes from. I worked on Bay Street for years. All those flashy guys in suits with their expensive cufflinks and even more expensive cars. The guys you'd meet in the cool bars who all had their wedding rings in their pockets so they could pick up girls.

Real love is every. fucking. day. Good times and bad. Pretty or ugly. Money in the pocket or broke as hell. Nice vacations and then the years you can't afford to take a vacation. Shopping at your favorite store one day, dollarama the next. Sacrificing for the family. Before him, I didn't know what it was like to have someone accept you unconditionally. Flaws, imperfections, bad habits. All the things you try to hide. Guess I'm just really lucky I got so many chances to get this right. :)

Sullivan out.

It's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.

I have ruined my boyfriend. We're addicted to the new Anne of Green Gables show. Last night we were up until 3:30 am. We never do that. We weren't partying, drinking. It was just every time an episode ended we looked at each other and were like "one more?".

Fucking Nexflix. The critics were right. This is not your typical Anne. (Y'all will only know what I'm talking about if you're from PEI.) It's dark. But I like it. Everyone has a past. It's kind of romantic if you put it in the right light. Which means, maybe we cry. Maybe we have flashbacks and nightmares. And maybe we run away sometimes. 

I think it makes him feel better to know all girls from PEI are slightly unique. I mean that in a good way. Doesn't affliction and hard work build character?

In the beginning I thought he was just trying to appease me. Then I saw that he loved this show as much as me. Of course he's heard all the stories. PEI is a special place to grow up. I feel grateful to have had a childhood with acres of trees to hide under while I read my books and wrote my stories. 

At the end of the day, I've always been an introvert. I pretended not to be for a long time. I finally feel like it doesn't matter anymore. 

My dad has always said you can count the number of real friends you have in life on one hand. That's more than enough for me. The introvert-fake extrovert never really cared to have so many pretend friends as desperately as I wanted to be liked.

There are a precious few people I would take a bullet for. Before I would do it for anyone. People got used to that. Call Margaux. She'll show up and take care of whatever you need. I'm slowly slowly learning to say no. To the people who wouldn't do that for me.

We need to give back, I believe in that 100%. Bring what you have to the world and my good friend the Universe always makes sure I have what I need. I can honestly say, I have never been happier in my life than I am in this moment. I feel like I'm surrounded in love. Not from everyone but that's an impossible target. I go to bed at night with a dog who makes me smile and a guy who has been my most loyal supporter and I have a best friend who is a kindred spirit.

Girls like me, don't always get a second chance. I did. I'm lucky and I'm gonna run with it. I miss home though. Take me home country roads... :)

Daddy Issues?

I can't sleep so I guess I have to write. I have sunstroke. Yah I'm the idiot who went sailing all day without a hat or sunscreen or ever sitting on the side of the yacht that had shade once in awhile. So I'm throwing up and wearing wet cold towels. I got home and Jay was like your entire body is radiating heat. Kinda love it though. :) Got out of the city, went swimming a bunch of times. Woulda just been better without all the heatstroke thing.

I have to start out by saying I really love my father. I think most of my good qualities are inherited from him. Unfortunately though I didn't get the opportunity to grow up with him. Courts usually give the kids to the (crazy!) mom when there's a break-up.

So I think I have a thing for authority figures. I'm starting to notice a pattern .My ex-husband was an elder in the Jdubs. My next boyfriend was my boss. Then I dated my next boss (after he left the company). Then my doctor. Maybe not the greatest choices.

You wanna know a secret? Rich guys aren't actually all that happy. It's easy to think you're the solution. Hey I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm fun. You think maybe this time you found someone who will take some kind of care of you, that thing you missed out on as a kid by not having both parents. But they won't because all they really care about is their jobs, their bank accounts. And you're way too old to think you can go back in time and have a daddy anyways.

The ex of the day was bossing me around anchor up anchor down sail up sails down buoys out buoys in you tied this knot wrong hand me the whatever and I don't even know what that is (it's not that relaxing being first mate) and I was like, hey you're not my boss and you're not my dad and I grew up on a fishing boat not a yacht so I'm doing my best over here.

But I still love that big cranky baby. :)

And it was a gorgeous day. Although I was more than happy to come home to my normal boyfriend who was here to walk the dog and who is generous and kind and as long as we have enough money, we don't need to worry about always getting more.

Sullivan out.

Mommy Dearest

Got my yearly email from my birth mother. Y'all should know how dangerous I am by now. That's what apostates are right?

She means well. She just wants me to come back to Jehovah. It was funny though, this was the first time she tried to differentiate Him from the organization. It's just Jehovah, it's not the organization. Like saying, it's just Hitler, it's not the Nazis. You can trust him. What about all the child abuse cases in the media about how the JWs covered it all up?

The usual about how much I'm hurting her and my sister with my choice to stay away. Was it me who decided to sell of all my cherished family heirlooms for pennies to the JWs and not give me a chance to keep anything from my past so she could show up here a few days before she moved to Panama? With a box filled with my old report cards and all the gifts I'd ever given her?

Or to be my sister? Who invited me to her wedding and I said ARE YOU SURE? and she was like absolutely, you're my sister! So I saved up $700 for a present and bought a dress I couldn't afford and then she shows up the week before and says well the elders said you can't come.

But I'm the one hurting them. Of course I am.

She asked me to come to the district convention and I said, you know there's always a discourse on staying away from apostates and I'll be shunned all weekend? She said I should stop being sarcastic. Can I get a hell ya from any of the rest of you outcasts out there that that would be the way it would go?

They are so brainwashed they don't even understand the other side anymore. The reason I identify as an apostate is that they labelled me that. And to be honest, it's not like either of the two of them are sitting there with angel wings.

I told her I had the best friends. That my friends have been there for me through everything. That if I left I would have to give them up. She said you've been sick, you must be unhappy. I said well you and Erin have been going around for years telling people you're both dying so maybe you're not happy either.

My kinda on and off boyfriend always says we all live lives of quiet desperation. I'm not. And mum, unfortunately, I'm too busy to go to the district convention. You can send me the notes. I won't read them. I do love you though.

Sullivan out.

Adam

Sneak peek. I'm finally writing my book. I decided to call all the chapters by peoples names. You can tell me if that's a good idea, leave a comment. Apparently though you have to have their consent or if not change their names. So Adam is reviewing this one. 

Adam

When I met my ex-husband, I was still in the cult. I thought, this is as good as it gets. I was 16. Even if our marriage was far from perfect, I still think that having grown up the way he did, he was a pretty good person.

Not a good husband.

I married him but I wasn’t in love. On the outside, we were perfect. On the inside I was dying. I’m a romantic. He had every excuse in the book to not come home. Hockey, golf, boy’s nights.

I was at a point in my life where I was questioning the Jehovah’s Witnesses belief system. But of course you can never talk about that, or you will be labelled an apostate and shunned by all family and friends. Which did happen to me. But before that…

I met Adam.

We were work friends for two years. He was someone I could finally talk to about the truth. In my other life, nothing you ever did was good enough. Taking care of all these people, volunteering all your time. Didn’t matter, you just had to work harder. Be better. You are never good enough. Especially if you’re a woman.

Adam loved me just the way I was and with all my imperfections. We could talk about anything for hours. It happened organically and we never officially crossed the cheating line. Except I did because I fell so in love with him that I finally found the strength to give up everything and everyone else for the chance that we’d end up living in a house on the beach and having strawberry blonde children.

Every time I walked into the office my heart would beat faster. Every time I got a message on my phone I hoped it was him. I had never felt that way about anyone. 

Stuart, my ex-boss/ex-boyfriend took me out for drinks one night while this all was happening and he said Mahhhhgaux (he’s British) married men never leave their wives.

Adam is smart. He is handsome. And kind. And as much as I tell myself he never really loved me I think he did. When it was over, I tried to kill myself. After everything I had lost, I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it. Without the beach house and those kids.

Whatever the outcome was, Adam was my BIG love and the catalyst that got me to wake up and get out of the cult. I will always love him for that. I owe him my second life.

About Last Night...

I've been off work for awhile. It's surprisingly difficult to find a job in Toronto. When my last contract was ending I decided not to stay. 100K a year is not worth being entirely miserable every single day.

I've found something new. Way less money but enough to pay the bills and the people seem genuinely kind.

Being off work meant I never had to do my hair, put on makeup or get dressed up. I just lived in yoga pants and went for dog walks and watched netflixs. But my boyfriend works opposite hours of me when I'm corporate so he wanted to take me out to dinner last night since we're never going to see each other again.

So I prettied up. I put on makeup and a nice dress and he was like, you look so beautiful. And I said, am I also a good person? He said, I think you're trying to be a good person. It's a half compliment. He's right though. When I left the JWs I was so lost. I had so much anxiety. Anger, sadness. I made bad decisions and I hurt people. Especially him.

The anxiety stays but the rest is gone. They all still show up all the time in my dreams even if I don't think about them all day. My mother and my sister the most. But I've moved on, even if my subconscious hasn't caught up yet.

So we had steak and lobster and celebrated and I really feel especially lucky to have such great people in my life. I wouldn't trade it in for a return to the cult any day of the week. :)

Love Despite

"They" say "you like because and you love despite". It doesn't just apply to romantic love, it's all of our relationships.

I would be surprised if anyone out there had a friendship, a partner, a family and they couldn't name one thing that they are not completely happy with. But we like all of them for what they bring into our lives. And we love them despite any small flaws or imperfections.

After all, doesn't imperfection make us perfect? I have the perfectly imperfect partner in life. It hasn't been a fairy tale by any means and most of the flaws were on my side. Not all of them though.

This guy believes in me, supports my dreams, my MBA, my writing, loves my dog and cat, takes care of my friends and their kids and doesn't EVER ask for anything in return. Except don't watch Westworld without him. :) Unconditional love doesn't happen every day.

I have to put a push in here on how upsetting it is what Trump is doing in the US. Families should stay together. I don't have kids but most of my close friends do. We should build a world for them that doesn't tear families apart or discriminate about race, gender or sexual orientation. I'm in an interracial relationship. It's Pride month and I am proud to be an ally. I'm a woman who deserves as much respect as the man next to me.

My cousin is super smart (most of my cousins are) and she said I should wait to write my book until I know how the story ends.

I know. I'm already working on it. :)

Believe in me

Because I don't believe in anything. And I want to be someone who believes. 

I've done an amazing job at being messed up. I'm more than just a little misunderstood. You wanna love me then you're in for a great ride. I was thinking this morning about how my ex-husband wanted his brother to be his best man at our wedding. Watchtower wouldn't let him have the weekend off though to come to his brother's wedding. His brother's wedding. Fuck them.

It makes me think that just if we hadn't been owned and controlled by them, maybe we would have been happy. Maybe I'd still have a family. Maybe I wouldn't have made so many bad choices.

My therapist last week was like, let's be honest Margaux. You're not depressed anymore. You're angry. Awesome. Only took me 9 years to move from grief to anger. I think I still have three steps to go.

There are different types of people out there. There are people who can get over something like this. And the ones who don't. I've tried to be the voice for everyone who has gone through this and spin it positive. Truth is, I'm a hypocrite. I'm not happy. But I'm happier than I would be back there with those crazies. Maybe this is just life. It's hard. Our friends are starting to die. My boyfriend is probably going to break up with me when he gets out of bed.

I still want to believe the heart of life is good. Help?

Murmurations

I know what you're thinking and you're right. I never write anymore.

I'm sure all artists, whether you're a musician or a painter or a writer understand that voice in your head that won't leave you alone or go away until you do what it tells you to. Mine has been a lot of different personalities over the past eight years. Sometimes it's angry. Sometimes it just wants to be an advocate for people who have had their rights stolen. Sometimes, it has fallen in love with the worst possible choice in men ever. Not that most of them weren't decent guys, they were. Just the wrong choices. Then it just went silent. It woke up this morning, maybe because I felt so happy last night.

I could write a whole book on all the bad choices I've made in life. But I went home last weekend. My cousin was getting married and that was beautiful. I haven't had the easiest time with family. But he said something to me about how when someone is going through a hard time, family is always there for you. He wasn't talking about me, he wanted me to pass it on to my brother, but it resonated.

And family isn't just blood. I spent an evening with the girl I was best friends with when I was five years old. We both went though hell and got out of the JWs but we laughed about it all night. And then I came home. Here is as much home as home is. The only reason I had the opportunity to go to PEI was because I have such good friends in Toronto. People I can count on come what may. Y'all know I had a shit year. But it has been a year and it's always a new beginning come fall. :)

One of my best friends and I are going to a witches circle in a couple of weeks. It's so fun not to have rules anymore. I'll probably write a blog about that. She's blogging now too so maybe we can collaborate. It has been a long road. My other cousin told me once maybe I should wait to write a book until I know how it ends. This is how it ends. Happy. Not perfect. Surrounded by love.

I saw a reiki master awhile ago and I didn't tell her anything. I never do. Psychics, reiki, witches, if they are real they'll know about me without me giving them any information. She said my problem was that I had no idea how loved I was. Because honestly, that's what cults do to you. Make you feel guilty and wrong and unloved if you leave. She said she saw a flock of blackbirds flying in formation around me. I was a smartass and said that's called a murmuration. (Thank you to my lovely mentor GBW for teaching me that.) But how did she know I had blackbirds tattooed on my body and everywhere in my apartment and I never would be here today without my flock.

Y'all know who you are. Thank you for making me a better person, for putting up with me through this journey, for loving me in my perfectly imperfect state, for making me happy every day. For being the best family/"family" a girl could ask for.

Sullivan out.

Mother's Day 2017

I’ve always kept a diary. Well, until I started writing a blog. As long as I can write, get it out, I’m good.

I love my mother, I always will. We are so different though and we never really connected. I’m too much like my dad. I don’t think like her, I don’t look like her. I’m all Sullivan. She makes me miserable and I don’t understand fully what I did to deserve all that hate. When I left the cult, I put a nail in the coffin of that relationship.

Fortunately for me, I had a back up. When my dad remarried, I wasn’t happy about it. I was a kid who wanted her parents together. I went through my old journals and at somewhere around 8 years old I wrote “ Today Dad is marrying Helena. I guess I just want him to be happy.” Pretty deep for an 8 year old, I think. :)

And she has made him happy. For decades now. She is the loving and supportive wife my dad never had with my mom. She makes me happy too. Helena, who is now Mom to me, fits into the family like she was always there.  And she has been there way longer than she wasn’t.

She gave all of us a gift in Matthew, the only sibling I have who still talks to me. He’s become a wonderful man and I love him dearly.

Mom and I, we’re both aspiring writers. I’m more serious when I write, she puts fun into everything. She loves to make people laugh and she takes the darkest situations and turns them into something we can cry laughing about. That’s a talent I wish I had!

She’s my support, my friend and the mother I never had. She can anticipate what I want before I want it and she ALWAYS puts everyone else before herself. She’s a dedicated, caring daughter, a loving and loyal wife, a mother who fiercely protects her children as much as is possible. She’s the most fun grandma I know. (Except you Grandma - I think you're the most awesome Grandma to me.) Helena's not my grandma she's my mom so a little disclaimer there!

She's definitely beautiful inside and out. A blessing to our family in every way. And her spaghetti isn’t bad either : )

I love you mom. I’m grateful that I can talk to you about books, about writing, about boys, about work,  about pretty much everything I need to talk about. I’m grateful that you put up with me. I’m grateful you drag me to church once or twice a year.  I’m grateful that you never give up on any of us. I’m grateful for the joy you bring to our lives. I’m grateful for you. Happy Mother's Day. 

Sullivan out.

Hearts Don't Break Around Here

I know what you're thinking and you're right. I am obsessed with Ed Sheeran. This song plays on repeat in my apartment.

But seriously, how many times has my heart been broken? I don't even know. Do you count that by each person? What if it was a group heartbreak - is that just one or hundreds?

Either way, it's been a rough go.

So much so, that I can't even trust it when good things happen. I've always considered myself an optimist. Then I became an optimist with depression who tried to kill herself.

I've learned something very valuable...finally. Don't go it alone. Take the help that's offered. The Universe always comes through, usually by providing the right people in your life at the right time. If you're lucky it will drop a huge dog you didn't necessarily want in your lap. :)

It will be 8 years in June since I was kicked out of the JWs. It was the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't pretend to be wise, but everything does happen for a reason. Cliches are cliches for a reason.

It wasn't until I turned 40 though that I finally felt like I had purpose in my life again. I actually love going to work in the morning. Steve Jobs said: "Sometimes life is going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith."

Winston Churchill said: "If you're going through hell, just keep going." And the great Ed Sheeran said: "I love the way you conquer your fears. Hearts don't break around here." (One of these days I will get over my love of redheads)

I called Kyla and said my boss asked me to lunch and I thought he was going to fire me. That's how my brain is wired now. Nothing good stays. He actually just wanted to give me a present for Max. I told her I wasn't used to good things happening to me. She said she wasn't used to that either.

We can fix that though. We can conquer our fears, we can change our thought process.

I saw a reiki master the other week. I don't really "get" reiki. It's all energy work and all my psychics think my energy is bad. She told me that the thing I didn't understand was how loved I was. She said she saw a flock of birds, flying in formation, circling around me. She couldn't have possibly known about my bird obsession.

Or that my mentor told me that's called a "murmuration". Us lost people can find each other and make something beautiful out of any situation if we do it together.

Life is beautiful. I appreciate it every day and love all those people who chose to love me despite my brokenness. I doubt my heart will ever break again.

Sullivan out.

Blackbird

I had a lovely afternoon. It's not even May and my friend and I took the afternoon to eat oysters and mussels on a patio. It got really cold and they offered us blankets, which we were grateful for.

This person has had a different experience than me. I don't judge. We all have our own path. Whatever. He told me that maybe I should stop speaking out. Maybe that would change the outcome I've come to accept with my JW family. He's never been shunned, he doesn't even understand what it's like. How awful it is.

I appreciate that he will still risk being seen in public with me. I'm pretty famous for being completely dangerous in the JW community. He said you could still change that. I can't. The damage has been done.

I made a choice and I stand by it. I wouldn't go back and change anything. Even if it meant I got to have that completely fake superficial relationship with my mom and sister. I told him CBC wanted to interview me. I didn't end up doing it. He was like, good for you. For every ex-JW who thinks that, there are two that think I failed them.

If someone else would like to take my place as an apostate who talks openly about the cruelty and hatred of this organization that promotes love, be my guest. I will step down. It's exhausting to be honest and there's no reward in it for me.

The only reason I started writing again is because I'm happy now. I didn't write for a long time. And y'all were like, where did you go? I didn't go anywhere. I never left your side. I just took some time to take care of me. I needed to at the time.

I guess there is a second reason. Jay got me a writing desk as a subtle hint that I was denying my true self by just shutting up. I took off my blackbird necklace ages ago. The one my girlfriend got me for Christmas that time. But then my little brother bought me one that was a feather. He was like, you know, because of your whole bird thing. That's what I wear every day.

This is who I am and it doesn't hurt me anymore to do it. But if y'all want me to shut up, I can do that too. A lot of people think I should: my family, my non-JW family, my mentor, some of my friends. If that's only because you're worried about me, you shouldn't be. If that's because you're worried about them? You should be. Russia has just banned Jehovah's Witnesses for being an "extremist group". Good on them. The right thing to do is not always the easiest thing.

I'm still the Blackbird.

Sullivan out.

Phoenix Rising

In ancient Greek mythology, a phoenix is a bird, that's always reborn. It rises from the ashes of it's predecessor, thanks to a little help from the Sun God.

My girlfriend: This is OUR year! Phoenix rising!

Me: Sure.

In my head, I thought nope. I tell myself every single year, this year will be different. Better. I'll be stronger. Then usually, the Universe tries to kill me again. Sometimes I get sick. Sometimes I make myself sick. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This last time though, my mentor came to see me in the hospital. I was hooked up to all these tubes and generally miserable and he was like, you're not depressed this time though. I'm really proud of you. I'll tell you a secret: I wasn't depressed because I just didn't care if I died or not this time. To be honest, not the time before that either. Or the time before that.

I know I've let you all down a bit. I keep getting messages asking why I don't write anymore. I guess I just gave up. What's the point of continuing in a fight you know you're never going to win? The Watchtower, like all big corporations, is fueled by money hungry, selfish men who are self-important enough to wield their power without remorse over their loyal, blind subjects. Who obey either out of guilt, fear or just plain brainwashing.

Like any organization, they're not all bad. There are some very, very good, yet terribly misled people amoung them. Some of us used to be those people. Then we woke up. Realized the truth and despite how hard we tried, we couldn't un-learn what we now know.

They are so good at the guilt and fear though, most of us can't say anything out loud against them. For fear of repercussion. Fear of losing our families. All the people we have ever loved.

The Universe reminded me last week that I'm not supposed to shut up. If you're not ready to talk, that's okay. I think I've helped a lot of you to quietly get out the smart way. Not the way I did - crash and burn. I promise you though, I'll always be here if you need to talk. I can tell your story if you want me to (anonymously), and some of you have already asked me to do that. I'm sorry I've been absent. I shouldn't be. Unlike most of you, I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore.

The phoenix rises from the ashes. Remember that. We can be re-born and become stronger, better and more beautiful than ever. We just have to go through the fire to get there. It's magic. If you believe in it, you will get there. :)

PS. A phoenix is so much cooler than a blackbird, isn't it??

Sullivan out.

In Repair

My conversation with my therapist on Friday:

Ross: You've had a bad month. Maybe you should get rid of your sword.

Me (annoyed): You're the one who told me to get a sword.

Ross: Hmmm. You're right. So how about we just say the sword is your friend?

The sword is my friend. But like all my friends, it has hurt me. One night I had friends over and they were making fun of me and they said, that's not a real sword. So I took it off the wall to prove that it was. It fell out of it's sheath and slashed me. I probably should have gone to the hospital and gotten stitches but Jayjay thinks anything can be cured by putting ice on it. I have a nasty little scar on my wrist and for months people accused me of trying to kill myself again.

Give me a little credit. I already have one failed suicide attempt to my name. I wouldn't be stupid the next time. You don't slash it that way, you do it the other way.

I have realized something though. It's not my friends who make me think about things like that. I wouldn't even be here today without three people. You know who you are. You love me even when I get down, even when I cry. And you celebrate me when I'm on top. You are the best. Like everyone I know who is messed up, my problem is with my mother.

I would like to think if I had been lucky enough to have kids, I would have loved them no matter what. It wouldn't matter to me what religion they chose, whether they were straight or gay, whether they made tons of money or decided to be struggling artists.

We all make choices. My choices have got me to where I am today. Ross says though, that's a good thing. That I need to stop doubting myself and basing my self worth on the people who judge me, And he's right. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Fuck Linda.

I am in repair. I might never be the "perfect" person I was as a Jdub. And I'm totally okay with that. All you really need is three people to love you, to believe in you. My dad always says you can count the number of real friends you have in your life on one hand. I'm lucky. : )

The hair goes pink again today, just FYI.

Sullivan out.

Lost & Found

Christmas is a hard time of year for a lot of people. I would know. I tried to kill myself one Christmas. The next one, I took all my sharp knives to my girlfriends place and asked her to keep them for me until I felt better. Then I came home and lied on the floor and didn't get up for a couple of days. It was self preservation. 

If you are struggling, just know that it gets better. This is a picture of all the pictures on my fridge. It's happy. But it didn't happen overnight. It took a long, long time to build that collage. I was so lost for so long. These people saved me. My life still isn't perfect. I'm still figuring things out. However, there is so much love out there. We all deserve it. So if you're happy and healthy, do what you can this Christmas to help others. Volunteer at a shelter. Give a tooney to that homeless man on the corner that you usually ignore. Pay it forward. 

And if you're on the other side, please call 1-800-273-8255. Talk to someone. Make it back. I can't promise you anything, but I'm sure that if you do, you'll find your people. And what's lost will be found. It might be better than anything you lost in the first place. :)

Sullivan out.