Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.

Beautiful Trauma

The older you get the more you realize that your problems are not worse than anyone else's, just different. My guy always says "First World Problems, Margaux". He didn't exactly grow up here so he gets to say that.

I can't help but wonder though, can two broken people make one whole amazing person if they are together? Because we've all got our demons. I'm throwing the question out there but here's what I think: yes and no. We need to keep working on ourselves. Every day. If it's a bad day, go to bed and start over again tomorrow. Tomorrow is always new with no mistakes in it.

I don't believe though we're meant to go it alone in life. Whether it's a romantic partner, a best friend, a mentor or family, we need someone to be the mirror back to us. Because what we see in the mirror is not always accurate. Unless you're a millenial, it's probably self-defeating sometimes what you see when you look at yourself. (No hate for millenials but they think they are the shit.)

I'm a late bloomer. Took me a long time to realize the type of people I needed around me. I tried to go it alone for a long time because I couldn't figure it out. Then...I found people as perfectly imperfect as I was. Jay is my real mirror, him and my best girlfriends. We're honest with each other, we keep trying to improve and we make each other better. Together? I think we can be amazing and make something beautiful out of the ashes of our pasts. :)

Sullivan out.

Used to Love You

Saturday morning song anyone? Click here. "I don't know why I cry but I think it's cause I remember for the first time since I hated you that I used to love you." - Gwen Stefani

Poor girl. That guy cheated on her so many times. I honestly can't understand why we aren't capable of just flicking a switch and turning our hearts off when people hurt us. That would be convenient.

My dad is very opposed to anger and resentment. But I think it's a phase we all have to go through. Fortunately, if you do all the hard work, you get past that. I wouldn't use "hate" as the word that has been part of my journey. HURT is better. Resentment? Yes, I've been there.

This week was the Memorial. The JWs don't celebrate anything, except that night. You know the one where Jesus has his last dinner with his apostles before he dies? Forget Christmas, Easter, anything enjoyable. Let's celebrate a murder. That's fun for kids.

Did I think about going to the memorial and drinking the wine and eating the bread and watching them all being horrified that a known apostate was in their midst claiming to be one of the anointed - that special 144,000 who are apparently the only ones going to heaven? Yes. At the end of the day though, as much as I loved/hated those people, it was more fun hanging out at home with my dog.

I get that some people still believe in Jesus and I respect that. Lots of people like to believe in Santa Claus. Whatever makes you happy.

I met up with a girl I found here on this blog last night. She was lovely. Damaged like me from our upbringing as JWs. The great thing though is they can't break us. They can try. They can rip our families away. They can make us depressed. They can make us alone. But only for a little while. :)

Then we find our tribe. We find each other. We find people who will love all our crazy and messed-up-ness. And with each of us who make a stand against them, we grow stronger. I've said it a million times. It's not the people. It's the money-hungry, brainwashing organization I'm against.

My therapist asks me sometimes if I regret being so open and honest on here and telling the truth. Yes, it scares potential boyfriends away. When I got disfellowshipped, I was completely alone. I couldn't find anyone to talk to. So when I decided to write this blog, I knew I was alienating the people I loved so much because speaking out against the organization is the worst sin you could ever commit.

I could have done it anonymously. I decided not to. I wanted my name out there so that anyone who was going through what I went through alone would have someone to reach out to. Who would understand where they were coming from. That's why AA is effective. They've all been through the exact same experience. They understand each other. And now, thanks to this blog, I've connected with so many people. Some of them are my friends now. I don't feel alone anymore. Those people I used to love? I hope they wake up someday and realize that they're pushing lies on innocent people. If they don't, then I hope they are happy living that way. I wasn't.

I'm happy now though. :)

Sullivan out.