Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

Bird by Bird

I know what you're going to say and you're right. I haven't written anything lately. I think I have writer's block. So instead I've spent countless hours coloring this picture for you and reading this book on writing. But my ADD must have set in and I doubt I'll finish either of them anytime soon, so it is what it is and "you're welcome"!

Y'all should actually just be happy that the entire bird isn't black. That was an option. I don't really feel like that anymore. For people who struggle with depression and anxiety the darkness comes and goes. For me, it's still here sometimes, it might never go away. But with more and more of us being open, building a community where we feel comfortable talking about our struggle and then also celebrating our successes, together we are making progress.

Don't doubt that and don't feel like you're alone. What I've learned is that sometimes we're in the light. We use those times to shine it on others who might need a little help. When we're in the darkness and they are in the light, they'll return the favour.

Yes, that coffee mug does say " Write like a Motherfucker" in the shape of a heart. It was a gift from someone I dearly love. Another friend bought me the coloring book. My friends get me.

And I would totally recommend the book: Bird by bird written by Anne Lamott if you're looking for some writing tips.

Also, if anyone wants to buy me a pencil sharpener that would be awesome. I don't even know where to get one. It's 2016. Do people still have pencil sharpeners? :)

Have yourself an awesome day. And be kind. Everyone you know is fighting their own battle.

Sullivan out.

I want you to want me

This is the blog that won't be written. I've tried for days, but it doesn't want to come out. I've been home for almost six weeks now. Six weeks of family and chores and bad weather. 

You know what's worse than six weeks? Six years. 

It's my fucking anniversary of being disfellowshipped from the JWs. Anniversaries are hard. Especially when your girlfriend calls you and says your ex-husband who would never have a baby with you is expecting a little girl in August.

I'm happy for him. It might be the time off work or the four therapists I currently am seeing, but I'm done. Six years is long enough to try to get your family back. Six years is long enough to mourn what you've lost. Six years of panic attacks and depression. Six years of wishing things were different. It's time to move on. 

Family ties hold strong and they are hard to break. I've had so many people hating on me for trying to hold on to the past. You'll be happy to know I'm over that and looking forward to whatever comes next. On my own. As soon as I leave Nova Scotia. Which may or may not be anytime soon. 

In the meantime, I'm working on being happy and it's working. Do I wish things were different? Of course I do. Do I miss my sister, my ex-husband and the love of my life? (Three separate people.) YES. Do I know how to move forward without them? Yes. 

Do I wish they had loved me as much as I loved them? Yes. I wish they had wanted me in their lives as much as I wanted to be there. But sometimes you have to take a detour and it doesn't mean you won't still reach your destination. It's just a little more time. You'll get there and so will I. 

Sullivan out.