Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.

When They Go Low

"When they go low, we go high." - Michelle Obama

I have been having the weirdest time lately. Someone, who, because I am taking the high road, will not be named, I thought she was one of my best friends. I think she must be a very unhappy person. And apparently a bully.

You know that thing about how if someone is always saying shit about everyone else to you, they are probably doing it to you behind your back? It's true. They're not just confiding in a friend, they are actually just mad at everyone.

In the past few days I've received numerous (like 40) messages saying just go die bitch, you're a terrible writer, you're a dirty toilet seat that men like to piss on. You left the JWs for a guy who doesn't give a shit about you. You're dried up and delusional and your boyfriend is awful. Seriously?

The boyfriend who drives you home at the end of the night and takes your kid for walks and buys you nice dinners and has always been kind to you. Hmmm. My other friends are apparently even worse. There's not one nice thing to say about any of them. This one spends too much money (hey red!), this one doesn't work hard enough (hey blonde!), this one who just uses you (hey former roomie!). Coming from someone I babysit for, for free at 6:30 in the morning while she goes to work and doesn't claim the money to the government while she's on support.

Jay just holds me while I cry and doesn't understand why it hurts so much. C'mon buddy doesn't a dirty toilet seat get to have feelings? :)

It hurts because I thought she was my friend. And being on the outside I've been careful about who I let into my life.

Anyways, I'm moving on. Have I made mistakes in life? More than I can count. But I'm trying really hard to be a good person. And those other friends? They are loyal and kind and would never say those kind of things about me, even if they thought them, which I don't think they do.

I think Michelle said that quote while she was supporting Hilary's campaign. Trump still won. Sometimes hate wins. But once I lick my wounds, I will keep working towards a better world for all of us that doesn't accept this kind of behavior. We have to take the high road and maybe we can inspire others to follow our lead.

And fuck you, my former bestie, I think I'm a damn good writer.

Sullivan out.

Say Something

"Say something. I'm giving up on you."

Well here we are. This past year, after almost dying, leaving my job, dating and breaking up with someone I have loved for years, being unemployed for months, I'm once again a functioning member of society. Not someone who hangs out in yoga pants all day alone with her dog doing little projects for whoever needs to hire someone who can write for them or do their taxes. 

I applied for A LOT of jobs. I interviewed for a lot of jobs. With the reasons I had that told me I needed a change, I was picky. It got crazy by the end. I had 13 interviews in two weeks. They were all pretty aggressive in wanting me to make a decision. I had to decide what the hell I was doing with my life. I'm 40 now after all. Halfway through my life, if I'm lucky. 

I can't say enough good things about my almost 7 years at KPMG. I worked with great people. I had mentors who helped me grow. I made a couple of life long friends. When I left, I said from the beginning I wanted to work non-profit. It seems like you can take the girl out of the JWs but you can't take the JW out of the girl. I'd rather help people than make lots of money. I am doing my MBA so hopefully I'll have some great options in the future. 

Still, it was hard to decide. Some companies seemed so much more exciting. My best friend was here when I was in the middle of all that craziness (cause he's always here when I need him) and he was like, "Margaux, you know what you want to do. Do it." I pretty much played Russian roulette with my professional life and I think I dodged a couple of bullets. 

It was the right decision. I'm 9 days straight in and I'm sure of that. I'm exhausted, but sure. There is one drawback to my almost perfect new job. The company next to us - there's a JW who works there. We used to be friends. I'm non-profit now. All the offices on my floor share a bathroom. So I run into her. She shuns me. I gotta say, I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. 

They make a big show out of it. Look straight at you - look appalled - look away with their head down. Walk faster past you. As happy and grounded as I feel, it still shakes me. It's still makes me feel bad about myself. It still makes it harder for me to walk tall and be proud of my decisions in life. Even though I am. 

What do they think is going to happen if they look at me? That I'll suck them over to Satan's side by making eye contact? Maybe I'll just have to go to the bathroom at Starbucks across the street now. Or find a way to deal with it. 

We were friends for years, but I can't for the life of me remember her name. It got me thinking. It will be 8 years in June since I was disfellowshipped. I'm starting to forget a lot of things. I'm forgetting my JW family. I see my mom and sister in pictures in my head. Not in video. It's snapshots, not a movie. Worst part? They will never say something. They just disappear, shun. It's okay, Jehovah told them to do it.

I'm at about 20% of my life that's post Jehovah Witness. It's going to take me longer to fix myself. But my therapist thinks I've come a long way. :)

I still wish they could say something though. Like, maybe...goodbye? Something that would give me the closure I still crave. Now that I work in an organization that deals with palliative care, I understand how important the "goodbye" is to the family members and close friends. 

It's important to me. I didn't get that opportunity. My mother has said a lot. Mostly about how I'm a sinner, how I'm going to die at Armageddon and how much I've hurt her by deciding to live a life different from the one she choose for all of us. But it's never the goodbye, the closure. 

So, I officially give up. She called Grandma when I was there at Christmas. I answered the phone. She knew I almost died and she couldn't even say "Are you okay now?". My mother. Couldn't ask if I was okay. She couldn't hang up on me fast enough. To be fair, Jehovah probably wouldn't like that. Jehovah doesn't seem like a very loving or accepting God to me. I'll go with no God and put my faith in the Universe to work things out. The Universe makes me nervous, but she always comes through in the end. 

This is me, phase 2. It's not the end. I've been gifted with a new beginning. I promise to make the most of it. 

Sullivan out. 

Salt Water

I haven't had a good JW rant lately so here we go. My ex boyfriend says I need to write. I do. Even if no one reads it.

Them: Please consider returning to Jehovah.

Me in my head: Are you fucking kidding me? Again? We're going to do this again?

So I'm like, okay. But I have some hard questions. I will require answers. Why are elders allowed to play God and ruin people's lives? If all the decisions made are made by Jehovah why do they get to sit in a room and tell me that my angry ex-husband got to decide what to do with me and laugh at me in my face? Where is the kindness, the compassion, the love they preach?

It's not there. We on the outside weren't the liars, they were. After my email, they decided there was no reason for us to meet up after all. Because they are cowards. And believing anything I say could take a chunk out of their belief system. God forbid. And I'm a woman. I've known both of them for over 20 years and they KNOW ME. I'm not a liar. I never have been.

But women do not get treated equally in their fucked up society. The men rule. And then instead of accepting the consequences of their actions and holding each other accountable, they cover up for each other and keep pretending they're all perfect. You know what elders? Some of you are good. Some of you are bad. Very, very bad. None of you are going to live forever in paradise. That's a faitrytale made up by some other man who wanted to control everyone else too. Oh, did I mention it's all about the money they make?

Then there's this guy I'm dating. Part of me wants to cry about this, but honestly, how can I? He was kind to me. I loved him a lot, for sure, but he was unavailable. I just never love anyone you know?

My boss thinks I need to just love me. So I'm going home. Maybe the salt water will heal everything. The ocean keeps trying to drown me (three times) but I love it regardless. :)

Sullivan out.

Weathered

"When I grow old, I'll drink and smoke like I did when youth stayed, youth stayed until the second round." - Jack Garratt

I made a decision. I've been called out on this blog for being an advocate for ex-jehovah's witnesses while I am technically still one. While I don't believe in cyber-bullying, they were right. I went back for my mother and my sister. Who have consistently proved they want nothing to do with me unless I shut up and get in line. I love them but...how long can you wait for people to decide they love you? It's been 7 years.

So here is my letter to the Watchtower. I wrote it to my elder. My cards are still in the possession of my old congregation. If you were ever a Jehovah's Witness you will know they have cards. With all your personal information. How many hours you spent in field service. How many magazines you handed out. Deeply personal information on how you fucked up. Detailed notes. On one hand, I hate doing this. On the other, I have to.

Dear Walter and Karen,

I hope you are doing well. I miss you both. Words can't express the love I feel for you. You've been role models and an extra set of parents since I was 18. Remember how in the summers after we went in service Walter just wanted to get a milkshake from McDonalds for lunch instead of a real meal before the meeting?

We had very good times together. Memories I will cherish until I die. Walter, we've been back and forth on this for ages. I've asked you why you won't just disfellowship me. I'm the biggest apostate Canada has ever seen. I've reached millions of people with this story. I wanted you to make the decision for me.

So that when Linda and Erin eventually die, I wouldn't have to walk into a room and be shunned. The thing is, despite you not getting rid of me again, that's what's going to happen anyways. I've asked you why I'm not disfellowshipped. There was no answer. But I know what it is. You know I had an abusive husband. You know how my baby elders who handled my first disfellowshipping cause messed it all up by being arrogant and ignorant and mean.

And you love me as much as I love you and Karen. You didn't want to put me through that again. I'm finally ready to take that step on my own. I would like to disassociate myself from the Jehovah's Witnesses. The choice I made to sign up at 12 years old was not worth the suffering I've gone through since then.

I'm finally happy with my life and the people in it. I will always wish you were included in them.

Please make the announcement at the next meeting. I'm weathered from the fight but I'll be fine.

With love always,
Margaux

Little Lights Shining in the Dark

I had this great friend when I was a Jdub. She was always in love with my husband, but I didn't really get jealous. She was very old. And kinda prickly in the beginning. She was a widow, her husband was the love of her life. She took care of him while he lived with Alzheimer's. Then she was alone. No kids. No family. My ex-husband and I adopted her. She always liked him the most but she loved me too. She called us her kids.

We used to go over every Monday night and make her dinner, took her grocery shopping every Friday at noon, for years. Even after we moved to the Vietnamese and had more on our plate than any two good kids could handle, we always made time for Evelyn. Good times, she wasn't a burden. We would play games and drink this cheap red wine she liked. Talk about all the old times. She could tell you to the year, month, day and hour how long she had been with Lester.

I'm not sure what got into me this past weekend (except a very extreme case of PMS) but gawd, I missed these people. On Saturday I opened a drawer and started tearing things up. Letters, cards, pictures. Then I found this one. 

She said" There is a lot of kindness wrapped up in Travis and Margaux. You may not know it, but you two have changed my life in many ways. It is more colourful, meaningful and interesting. It has built me up."

And then, I didn't touch it but her picture fell on the ground and the glass shattered. I know y'all might think I'm silly with my psychics and superstitions, but I knew she was gone. He and I didn't get divorced for two years. We still went to visit her in the home. I don't think she ever knew we broke up and that's a very good thing. Just seeing his face would make her smile every time. I used to visit her when I was disfellowshipped. She was too old at that point to know I wasn't supposed to be there. Then we got to the point where she didn't know it was me at all.

I was a lot more fragile back then. This past winter while my other friend died, I showed up. Until the last night she was still breathing. I wish I had done that with Evelyn. Because of course, I'm such a dangerous influence, none of the JWs could be bothered to tell me she died or that there was a funeral. Even though I know and she knows and they know that I deserved to be there.

I wonder sometimes if this is what it will be like when my mother dies? I just find out randomly because I call someone I don't talk to anymore and ask the question? Oh yes Margaux, it's very sad. There was a funeral. You weren't invited.

It's disappointing that they think and preach openly that this is the way to win someone back. Through this terrible cruelty that's not even human kindness. Unfortunately, their tactics don't work on me. Each of these little heartbreaks just make me more determined that I made the right choice. I am NEVER coming back. And I'm a big old apostate so just disfellowship me again for Christ's sake.

We're all just little lights shining in the dark and it's sad when a bright one goes out. Evelyn, I love you and I'm sure you're in a better place. And your boyfriend/my ex-husband? I'm sure he misses you too. That's one of the biggest reasons I will always love that guy. He jumped on board with all my adopted strays and they are probably the only ones who really knew him for who he actually was. My time and friendship with both of you will always be happy memories. Rest in peace. Xo.

Sullivan out.

Wicked

I realize I haven't written anything lately. Even though I was off work for two weeks (which was awesome by the way). I spent those days with friends, watching TV, reading books. I even took in a friends puppy as a foster mom for awhile until they figure things out. Puppies are awesome :)

I guess I've just had some writers block. I'm not sure what to talk about right now. There's a lot going on, but most of it I can't speak of on this forum. I know I said I'd stop with the JW stuff but I read a new article they just published this morning and I just can't ignore it. 

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/w20150415/disfellowshipping-a-loving-provision/

They won't stop with this stuff. "Disfellowshipping: a loving provision"??

I don't even know where to start with this article, except with the amount of times they use the word "wicked". The Oxford English dictionary defines that word as "evil". Are we evil? 

I think I'm a pretty nice girl. My disfellowshipped friends? Lovely people. The article claims elders lovingly try to help these lost souls find their way back to the congregation. My experience? That's completely untrue. The elders on my committee would laugh at me when I tried to go back, say they were making "an example out of me". My husband, also an elder, would scream and swear and call me a sinner. 

My girlfriend tried to go back too. The elders would walk into their meetings with her and make jokes about how big their file on her was. I actually hate the fact that there's a file on me at Bethel with carefully written notes on the one thing I ever did wrong or against the rules. 

The article also talks about how to help and support family members of people who have been disfellowshipped. When I got kicked out, our best friends never once saw my husband or gave him any kind of support. For over a year. 

The last paragraph is the best - a sterling example of how if you just stick to this arrangement you can and will be successful in blackmailing your family member or friend into coming back to this crazy mind-control environment, because without you, they will be too sad and lonely to carry on. 

I don't judge anyone who makes the decision that this lifestyle if for them. It helps a lot of people, provides them with a sense of community and inclusion. But to whoever you are who wrote this article, you are sadly mistaken. This is not a loving provision. This is an attempt to manipulate and control people, to take away their freedom of thought and action. To deny them the chance to be who they are, to love who they choose, to be themselves and still have their family, who they desperately love, as a part of their life. You're not doing any favour to their family either...everyone loses in this situation. Their family is miserable, sad, struggling. And so are we. 

What they don't reference in the article is the one thing I'd like to mention. Yes, I'm sure, some people are so sad and lonely that they do whatever it takes to make their way back. But SO MANY of us don't. We find family, friends and acceptance out here in the real world. We realize that the Armageddon that has supposed to have been here for the last 100 years is never coming. That this life is what we've got and we're going to make the most of it. That the least loving "provision" in the world is disfellowshipping and...in the end, we're really not all that wicked. :)

Sullivan out.