This is about Nothing.

well it's happened. i feel like i need to write, but i have nothing to say. not entirely true, i have lots of things to say. but there are thing i protect and won't talk about, like family and friends. unless it's positive. if you want to know who in my family has the worst secrets (and it's a toss up, spoiler alert!) you'll have to wait for the book, which will only be published after i die. :)

speaking of death, jay was amazed last night to hear i'd already planned every detail if max's funeral. hey, he's a big dog, he's not doing to live forever. i've planned my funeral, why shouldn't i plan his? his is going to be so much cuter than mine. when all you do is work and study sometimes your mind wanders.

i'm a planner. i figure i feel too much, been through too much. i'm a pisces, so whatever you feel about anything, double that, add in some drama and then double it again. if max just dropped dead they'd probably have to put me in a psych ward. he is the best thing that ever happened to me. that homeless helpless huge puppy. i always call him my love because he is. with my funeral no one is coming. (except a very small guest list, you're probably not on it and i've paid jay to get bouncers.) max though, is everyone's dog and it would be selfish of me not to share the grief this time. so i plan it now, halfway thorough his life and i get 5 years to come to peace with it. which we all know i never will but at least i'll be better prepared.

turns out, both my "kids" are almost exactly me. max is having a sleepover party tonight so i'm home alone with rosie. she kinda scares me. if max exudes the please love me, i'll do anything for you side of me, rosie is the other side of the bed. hey, i know how to stand up for myself and i've been doing it for years. that's why y'all love me right? i've done the brave honest thing till it hurt. rosie takes it one step further. i could learn a thing or two from that tiny little kitten. jay says rosies' go-to is: lick, lick, BITE. she's your friend. until she's not. then she makes you bleed. for all my friends with kids, this excludes children, she respects them and would never bite your child. please don't be afraid to come over.  

in the end, she spends a lot of time in her cage. she'll scratch until you bleed, then go pee on your bed. she'll eat your flowers just because she knows you love them more than anything else in the home. stuff you don't care about? she'll never touch it. but she WILL destroy your roses. the cage never teaches her a lesson. it's almost like she likes it in there, quiet time alone to contemplate how she'll take over the world. she becomes totally calm. it's disturbing. she is however very loving and loyal to her half-life partner (cause cats never die) max.

at the end of the day, all i can say is thank the universe i have a boyfriend / man-friend/ lover/ husband/ best friend whatever you want to call him, who would notice i was missing if i died and come find me before rosie ate half my face because i wasn't able to feed her. this whole blog is very morbid but if you were in my messed up head, you'd think it's really funny. i'm laughing :)

sullivan out.

About a Boy

How long have I known Jay? Who knows at this point. Five, six years? Maybe seven. My new life hasn't been longer than nine so he's been around for a lot of it. We're friends, we date, we break up, we're friends again. The only thing I know for sure is we never leave whatever this is.

As y'all know I haven't had the easiest time adapting to life on the outside. Jay is the one person who always saw through whatever I was going through and could see the real me. Not that he ever knew me in my past life, he got the other version of Margaux. But to him, that version was still smart, funny, beautiful and worth loving. He didn't take my crap though. That's why we kept breaking up. He's not like me. He doesn't have some profound need to be liked that makes him put up with bad behaviour from other people. He sticks up for himself. He sticks up for me.

I'm learning slowly that the only way to love someone else is to love yourself first. I've had a lot of boyfriends. And I don't think I ever realized that I deserved to be treated well. That I shouldn't put up with being male dominated, put down or lied to or cheated on. None of us do.

So at times, I've been a very bad girlfriend to him. We were younger then. We partied too much. Didn't sleep enough. Fought too much. But there were good times. He forced me to love Game of Thrones and implemented "no pants Sundays". He could iron chef something awesome from nothing in the cupboard.

Then we started to grow up and things started getting real. My cat died and I had a puppy dumped on me. I got sick for quite some time. I went home indefinitely. Jay would send me care packages with new clothes. He'd visit me every day I was in the hospital. Text me in the morning and ask what I wanted to eat because I'm picky and he knew I wouldn't eat hospital food. When one of my best friends was dying he'd drive me to the hospital and wait outside.

He supports all my stupid ideas like coming home randomly with new animals and doing an MBA while I work. Anytime he's off work and it's a nice day he takes us to the beach because that's my favorite place. He's been there for my siblings and my girlfriends and makes sure my dog is taken care of. (Max loves him to death but he's still mommy's boy.)

I guess all I really want to say is, we don't always understand where big love comes from. I worked on Bay Street for years. All those flashy guys in suits with their expensive cufflinks and even more expensive cars. The guys you'd meet in the cool bars who all had their wedding rings in their pockets so they could pick up girls.

Real love is every. fucking. day. Good times and bad. Pretty or ugly. Money in the pocket or broke as hell. Nice vacations and then the years you can't afford to take a vacation. Shopping at your favorite store one day, dollarama the next. Sacrificing for the family. Before him, I didn't know what it was like to have someone accept you unconditionally. Flaws, imperfections, bad habits. All the things you try to hide. Guess I'm just really lucky I got so many chances to get this right. :)

Sullivan out.

First Cut is the Deepest

I've been fighting with my ex-husband. He's lazy and we haven't been able to get him off my life insurance policy for 6 years. Jesus, dude, all you have to do is fill out a paper.

Due to recent events, I need that taken care of. I have Max now. He got hit by a car a few weeks ago and it cost almost $1,000. What about when he gets old and someone needs to pay the vet bills and something has happened to me? Also my family will need that money for all the fines they will get for the elaborate funeral I have planned for myself. : )

This was my thought process. So I've been harassing him to just do it. Opening the door again is always a bad idea, even if it's necessary. He sent me a picture of his baby. She has his eyes. I've been crying since last night. Not that I want to be back with him. I'm sure he's much happier without me and married to my ex-friend and the cult.

Me and the cult are over. Him and I are over. But we were friends since we were 15 years old. I still miss him. And part of me wishes that baby was mine. I've come to terms with the fact that I probably will never have kids now.

I've dated pretty much every guy in Toronto at this point. I'm currently in the most impossible "relationship" you could imagine. I'm gonna give it a try. I'll try. But...the first cut is the deepest.

How do you get over the people you really loved? My boss thinks I have a problem with self love. Yes sir, I do have a problem. If no one has ever loved you more than they loved some stupid cult, how do you love yourself? They make you feel insignificant, disposable, like you're a sinner for choosing to believe in something else.

Not that I know what that something else is. I do know though, that it has to be a place where we embrace our differences. Where we love each other despite any differences of opinion, race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs. A place that makes us feel safe enough to care again.

Max says hi.

Sullivan out.

Happiness Is...

A trap. An illusion. A reality. A certainty. It can be all of those things, depending on one thing and one thing only - us.

It's the plot line to every great book, every Oscar winning movie. Overcoming our barriers in life and finding whatever our personal version of success and happiness is. Okay, okay sometimes the Oscars only like those movies where everyone is miserable and dies at the end. But you get my point.

It's the end of January. It's cold and grey. It seems as though a lot of people are getting the winter blues. Grey is slowly becoming one of my favorite colors. In an effort to fight out against the cold, the wind, the miserable people, the grey...I've been trying to focus on what makes me happy.

So many times it's the big things. Things like work, family, friends, social life, romantic relationships. I won't lie, those things do make me happy. But I've had another *yes another* shitty couple of weeks. I was walking to work and there was a thin layer of snow on the ground. I didn't see a patch of ice and I slipped and fell. Hobbled around like an old lady for a week. My back finally started feeling better but then I caught some crazy cold/flu virus and couldn't even get out of bed for two days.

Time for a pity party right? Not this time. Those grounding influences I mentioned are so valued. In the day to day though, especially if we're on our own, we need to look for those little things that can make a whole day shine. I do a gratitude list every morning and I don't exclude the little things.

For instance:

- I'm so lucky to have really big windows. I wake up every morning and can sit and meditate on the floor while I watch the sun rise. It's the perfect start to the day.
- I work close enough to home that I can walk back and forth instead of commuting.
- Watching my dog play in the park every day and having him to sleep next to me every night.
- Today I received a letter in the mail from a very dear friend. Who writes letters in a world of wifi and text messaging and email? Kindred spirits.
- Yoga (enough said)
- My ex boyfriend bought me a lily one year when he felt bad that on mother's day I had nowhere to go. I've always had a lily since then.
- Books. I just finished a book about a girl who went from abuse to self-hate to self-love and I love those writers who just tell the simple truth and reassure us we're not alone, and we're going to land on our feet.

Yeah, that light dusting of snow that hid the ice gave me a bad week. But the snow was pretty :)

Happiness isn't complicated. And it's not eternal. No matter how much we have or how much we lose, we won't always feel happy. We can however, relish those moments, tuck them away in our hearts and draw on them when things aren't the best. Little pieces of sunshine for those cold, blustery January days.

If you'd like to share what little things make you happy, please leave a comment. Stay warm.

Sullivan out.

Sometimes...life goes to shit :)

I'm talking literally in this instance. Seriously, this blog is about poop. 

If you've been following the story you know I've some recent set-backs in life/family/relationships. In dealing with my depression and anxiety. I was on a good track for a couple of years. And then I got derailed. 

So I'm home at present, living with my family. I don't have that in Toronto so I had to come here. We have four dogs, three horses, two donkeys and a cat. There is a lot of shit happening. 

I've been trying to help out the best I can to show them how much I appreciate what they are all doing to help ME and to stay busy. Normal stuff: laundry, dishes, some meals here and there. We do however, have all these animals and a huge property. So I do chores. Yesterday I cleaned the horse stalls (shovelling shit). A couple of days before that my task was to walk around the property and pick up all the dog poop and put it in a wheelbarrow (more like collecting shit). Max is still a puppy and he gets too excited sometimes and twice now he pooped all over my bedroom and bathroom (that's just cleaning shit).

This morning it was my turn. My aunt and uncle do 5K power walks down the beach at 5 am. I barely slept but I told my uncle I would go with him so I set my alarm and got up. (They think I don't get enough exercise to exorcise my demons.) We put out the garbage to get picked up and I said "I think it's going to rain". My uncle said he thought we'd be back in plenty of time before it got bad. So off we went with our dogs.

We were almost at the end of the beach when I had to go to the bathroom. He took Max and said they'd all meet me on the way back - he was close to the turnaround point of the walk. There are a couple of restrooms on the length of the beach and it's still early in the season so he said if the first one was locked, try the second one. I ran. The first one was basically an outhouse but it had toilet paper so it would have to do. It was dark (no electricity) and stinky but sometimes your only option might be your best option! 

I came out and waited for him to get back. It started raining. After about 15 minutes I thought maybe they'd gone to the second restroom. So I went there. It rained some more. (Not warm rain.) Another 15 minutes or so go by and I realized something...I had been abandoned in a dark, cold outhouse in the rain on the beach. I can't make this shit up :)

I started walking home and eventually he picked me up when he realized I wasn't at home or in the barn doing chores. I think my life would make a great sitcom! :)

We pull into the driveway and of course, the crows have picked apart two of the garbage bags. The ones with the kitty litter in them. So I sucked it up and cleaned it up. So there you have it: life can be a whole bunch of different kinds of shit. But...as my father says, cleaning it up is good honest work. And at the end of the day, we all come home, put on our comfty clothes, make some good food, have a glass of wine and don't worry about any of that again until tomorrow. :)

Sullivan out. 

Be my Valentine...?

Yesterday I got in a taxi, then on a plane, and then another plane. Had lunch with my uncle in Halifax and then onto a bus. My aunt picked me up at the gas station and 12 and half hours later I was home. 

I woke up to this:

I've never been much for sleeping in and this is the perfect place to watch the sun come up. My aunt was very well prepared for V-Day. She had flowers for Grandma, cards and presents. I even got one - she gave me this - a pretty crystal I can hang in the window and when the sun hits it - rainbows will be everywhere in the apartment. I think I lucked out. :)

I know that this is just a silly, commercial holiday that really shouldn't matter. But to a lot of girls it does. I have friends who say it makes them feel more single if they don't have someone to spend it with. I have friends whose boyfriends completely forget to do anything sweet for them at all. If you go on Instagram or FaceBook though you can see from the pictures there are tons of girls whose boyfriends/husbands/significant others are really well prepared for this made-up holiday. 

Having grown up "holiday free" I don't buy in to spending tons of money to follow the crowd. But I also think that any occasion that reminds us to show love and affection to the people in our lives - even in little ways - is not a bad thing. And hey, who doesn't like flowers or chocolates? Those people cannot be trusted!

I'll share the worst story I heard today. My girlfriend has recently reconnected with an ex. A BIG ex. He asked for a place to stay for a little bit. She hummed and wondered what the right thing to do would be. She went the way a lot of us do (I've been there) and said sure, she could give him a month. We're women, we're compassionate. And we've all been in situations where someone went out of their way to help us out. 

She found out today, on Valentines Day, the day that once upon a time ago they had planned their wedding for - that he's actually married now and never told her. Ouch. 

I think the best thing to do today is to make a date with your BFF and not let society dictate your happiness, whether or not you received those red roses. My plan, were I in Toronto now was to hit up a wine show at an art gallery with Lindsay. Y'all know I don't date anymore, but a few of the huge dogs here have tried to make out with me. There is love in the air! There's a lovely bouquet of flowers on the table, I think I'll just take a pic and post it on Instagram. My hot, rich, sensitive, doctor/lawyer/CEO boyfriend must have bought them for me right? He's so sweet. :)

I did have a date with two different men today. They were okay but both of them turned out to sorta be an ass. I don't see a long term future for us.  

I say it all the time, the most important person you should love is you. If you're staying in tonight, find something special for you - and just for you. Pick up some flowers. Buy a nice bottle of wine. Give yourself a facial and listen to the music you love (because there's no boy there to tell you to turn off your Taylor Swift cd! Yay!) If you're still a little sad read this: You Complete Me...?  All you fabulous women deserve it! And if you're a little lonely, you can borrow one of the donkeys. :)

Sullivan out. 

PS - There is one man I desperately miss and wish I was having cuddle time with tonight. Max!!

Since he was abandoned on New Years Day, I've distributed flyers and had quite a bit of interest from people in the community who want to adopt him. It's not too late (yet - but soon it will be! 5 days to go!) to contribute to our crowdfunding campaign to cover some of his vet bills. 

Even $10 helps. One of my friends got his tip money from work and gave us $10 in loonies. It was much appreciated. Click here to support us!

Eat, Pray, Love

Alright, I'll be the first to admit I hated that book. But she picked a really great title. :)

People at work have made a lot of comments since I've been back from Christmas holidays. That I seem happy. That I'm starting to look like my old self, whoever that was. That my smile is back for real. It probably helps that I'm no longer that skeletal girl who came back from sick leave scared of what I was going to find. 

Eat

For the longest time, I couldn't eat. Everything made me feel sick. Then one day I dusted off my Nutribullet and started making green smoothies every morning. Kale, spinach, some fruit. All of a sudden, I started to get hungry again. 

Pray

I don't pray. We all know that and I won't lie about it. But I have gotten into the habit of getting up super early (like 5:30 am) and doing yoga every morning. Then I sit by the window and watch the sun come up. I don't pray to a God but I talk to the Universe. It's different than praying. Prayers, I always asked for help with something. Now I just say thank you for all the things I already have. 

Love

It was Martin Luther King Jr. day on Monday. He said: "Hatred paralyzes life, love releases it. Hatred confuses life, love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life, love illuminates it." 

Beautiful words. I've worked very, very hard to get rid of my hatred and embrace the love. I think I've surrounded myself with good people. On New Years Day, a friend I don't know very well asked me to take care of their puppy for awhile. Just until they found a new owner. When I picked him up, with no food, no treats, no toys I had no idea his owners would walk away and never respond to my messages ever again. 

He's a good puppy. Animals can give us the best kind of love, it's unconditional. Friends, boyfriends, even family, can come and go. But a pet? They stick around and love you no matter what. This terribly irresponsible couple promised to pay any vet bills that came up but when I asked them about shots, dog license and the surgery he needed they just never responded. 

Would I have willingly adopted a dog who needed $1500 worth of work? Of course not. I'm much too practical and responsible for that. But I don't abandon strays either, whether they are people or pets. That's why I'm asking for your help. I set up the campaign (link below) to try to get Max fixed up so either I or some other loving person will decide to keep him forever. Please feel free to share it with your networks...I guess part of the reason I can't turn anyone away is that I've been there. 

I've been homeless. I've been friendless. I've been broke and alone. And I needed the love of the strangers I've found along the way who have become my cherished friends. Anything helps, even a few dollars. 

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/help-a-puppy/x/9652905

Sullivan out. 

Me & Max

Have I told you that I want to get a dog? I've been waiting, out of respect and sadness of Cats passing before deciding how I wanted to move forward. It's been over a year now and I think she'd understand that it's time for me to move on. I still miss her. Her photo and urn will always be in a special place where I can see her every day. But I'm an animal lover and I don't like coming home to an empty apartment. 

Not like I've had to for quite some time now. My friends make jokes about how this space is "Margaux's hostel" because people are always passing through. In the spring it was my girlfriend, she and her boyfriend broke up and she needed a place to crash. It was perfect actually, she worked a lot of nights, I work days and we each had our alone time in the apartment. When we were home together, if we felt like having a glass of wine and chatting, we did. If we felt like being on our own, we'd just put in earphones and watch our own shows on our laptop/ipad. She left a lot of long, red hair in the bathroom but I loved having her around. One day I came home to a half finished bottle of wine and it had a note on it that just said: "Don't judge, just enjoy."

Then it was my ex-boyfriend. He needed a place to stay between apartments so I said, sure, you can move in. The next night my brother showed up, he needed a place to stay between apartments too. He brought his own couch and we all worked it out. 

Next came The Jailbird. I bailed my friend out (long story, don't worry he's lovely it's all just a stupid mistake) not realizing that when you bail someone out of jail they have to come live with you. With their two cats. The kitty litter smell used to bother me until I took possession of a puppy. Then the puppy pee smell took over. 

Some people I know got a puppy and realized they couldn't take care of him. They called me on New Years Day, asking me if I'd take care of him for awhile until they found a new owner. 

He's so sweet. Gorgeous dog actually, he's a Cane Carso. I'd keep him but he's going to weigh more than me soon. He's about 5 months old and still very much a puppy. He thinks he's a lapdog even though he's enormous and likes to climb onto my lap and put his paws on my shoulders. He sleeps on top of me in bed and has almost completely mastered the art of going to the bathroom outside. He knows a few tricks, he's a quick learner. 

If you know any serious families looking for their forever dog, please contact me by posting a comment below. Max is super special and deserves a loving home. If you met him, you'd be as madly in love as I am. 

Sullivan out.