Live Free or Die Hard

So this is morbid, I'm meeting with my lawyer tomorrow, gonna sign some papers. I don't have much, but I have a big life insurance policy. So I've got my two best friends signed up to take care of things, should anything happen. Beside my viking funeral it's pretty straightforward stuff. Use the money to send the kids to university and Jay can finally open his own bar. Statistically it's a terrible investment but in this hypothetical circumstance I'm dead so what do I care?

He's so perfect, I want him to have anything he wants. He's not actually perfect, none of us are. But perfect for me. I spent so long looking for anyone who would just love me exactly as I am. And I found those people in the perfectly imperfect world I want to live in. My best friend is a lesbian. My boyfriend is, in the words of the only other most important man in my life, my dad, "just a waiter". Yah Daddy, a waiter with way more education than you will ever have. Not his fault he hates the 9-5. I do too now.

I had a bad weekend so I decided to change my name. It's been a long time coming. Jay comes home from work and he says what did you do today? I said I changed my name. And he's like, okay crazy girl. Then this morning he said, you went to bed late. What were you doing? Well I'm actually working on the second book, but I said I was doing research, which I was. I'm going to be done my MBA soon so I had to figure out what to study next. Did you figure it out? Yup, I'm going to be a witch. Well, that's great that you'll be putting that MBA to good use. Whatever makes you happy love. 

Lizzie thinks being a witch is a great career path. Watch out Watchtower, I'm coming for you. :) So I get to work at 8 am and spent hours setting up shop and arranging flowers and serving customers. My boss gets in sometime around lunch, he looks at me and he's like, you're a writer. I asked him what would make him think that? He said you don't sleep. And I know you have a million things happening in your head all at once. And you talk to yourself, you're writing in your head all the time.

He's right. A million dreams are keeping me awake. I might seem a little all over the place. I quit corporate and I work for minimum wage in a flower shop which is the best job I've ever had. But I'm doing my MBA and probably going back to the suit in the next week or so. I wanna be a witch. I feel like I have so much life to fit into half the time because I wasted too many years in a cult.

Jay gets that about me. He just knows. The other night he was like wanna watch a movie? I said sure. He was no you don't you're in your zone, here's your laptop. Go write.

And that's Margaux 2.0. (Well my name's not Margaux anymore but that's another story.) I get to do exactly what I want because I'm free. I prided myself on being alone for so many years. I'd see my family once a year put on a fake smile. Smile is real now. It's the people. The friends, the kids, the babies, the animals. I don't know how the unluckiest girl in the world landed on her feet, but I did, thanks to them. My nana used to say it didn't matter what mistakes people make or what we have to go through, as long as we land on our feet.

So as I sign off on my last will and testament tomorrow, I'll know that at least I've lived free and god willing, died hard. :)

Fox out.

Weathered

"When I grow old I'll drink and smoke. Like I did when youth stayed."

That was our song. Until I got sick and couldn't really drink anymore. But I'm thinking it's still our song because when (not if) I make it to the part where I'm old, I get to do whatever I want. Shoulda been lights out for me a long time ago. Thanks to him, I'm still here.

I'm way too old to have a boyfriend so let's call him my man-friend. I had a sad day yesterday and I got sad enough to get a new tattoo. It wasn't spur of the moment, I'd thought it out over a year ago but those damn things hurt and I had another hurt I needed to feel less of. So it was the right time.

My arm tattoos are perfectly symmetrical and it always bothered me I only had the anchor on one leg. Like I was off balance. I'm a bit OCD. So I counted the cash in my wallet and figured I could make this work. I had a big picture for a little spot and knew part of it had to be Jay. I found an old card so they could duplicate his handwritting. I think that's pretty romantic.

Asians, right? I'm not racist I love them but they are so uncomfortable with feelings. So he comes home from work and looks at it. He walks away. I'm like, do you like it? He pauses, and then he's like, well its very permanent. No fuck, Sherlock. I'm almost done my MBA, I know what a tattoo is. 

Also, my darling man friend, I know I haven't really been on board. You always have been though. My pets are yours. They probably like you more than they like me. You've saved my life more than once. You call me when I'm in the hospital in the morning to ask what I want to eat that day because you know I'd starve before eating hospital food. I only need to look the right way at something I want and it shows up on my birthday or Christmas. You rub my back and hold my hand when I have panic attacks. You make my life better, my home better, make me laugh and dance in the living room to all our favorite songs. You make me write, which makes me a happier, better version of myself.

I seriously doubt that after all that, you'll ever leave me. If I've decided I'll never leave you either, I know it's scary but that tattoo isn't going away and neither am I. I'm sorry it took me way too long to know we're end-game. I will be loyal and prove it to you. When we're old and weathered this will still be our song. :)

Sullivan out.

Ps Lindsay was like where is Kat in that tattoo? She's dead Lindsay. We gotta move forward. Besides Charlie Rose is a witch kitten who will outlive all of us and probably cast spells if I make her mad.

Beyond the Barricade

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I find myself without a past. I had one person left. (Wait for the book.)

People don't really get my relationship with my therapist. It's taken him a long time to "fix me". Too long in their eyes. I trusted in the process and I trust him. This couldn't have been an easy job. He told me he knew how sad I was that my last old life friend was taken from me by my family, what else did they have left to take? They went for the heart this time. I only blame myself for not seeing it coming from that crew.

Ross said think about it. She was the last link to your old life. You tell me sometimes you wake up confused because you dream you're still JW, you're still in your family, you're still married, you're still with your all old friends. Now, when you wake up it can really just be a dream. Shake it off and get on with your day. They are all GONE.

Would I trade everything for one day back there, in that life? There was a time I would have. Sometimes I call Jay "Travis" (I've never done that with anyone else) and we both pretend it never happened or maybe he doesn't even notice.  Either way, I'm with him. I love him. And with everyone else gone, I've come beyond the barricade and realized on the other side it's not entirely peaceful. It's the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I don't think it's circumstantial that I've been abused and taken advantage of out here. It happens in there too, to a lot of people and everyone should know that. It's me, I'm a different person. No one would have stood up to me before, but then I got broken and it started happening. I hate to say "me too" but it's true. It's happened.

Let's keep moving forward though and see what else is beyond the barricade. I learned the truth about myself. I have learned compassion, I have learned to grow. The finish line is immortal. The moments that define you have already happened and will happen again. And never, ever, ever, die before your death.

Sullivan out.

On My Own

"I dreamed a dream in time gone by. When hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die, I dreamed that God would be forgiving." 

It's that time of year y'all. I love/hate Christmas. I love wrapping presents and writing cards. But, everyone having families and posting pictures and eating turkey and smiling and hugging? Happy for them but that's not my life.

You know what I like to do since everyone is always busy for the holidays? Get a big tub of candy cane ice cream and watch Les Mis as many times as I want and cry. I figure I big girl it up enough the rest of the year, I can take a day. :)

So I've been working three jobs and now I'm probably going back to corporate in the New Year and I finished a big paper for school and I had a day to just stop. All the responsibilities were on hold until the next day. I thought, this is my day.

I grew up speaking French and have always been a book geek. Had I been allowed to go to university back then I'd probably be an English teacher. Or maybe French. But I read Les Mis (and all the classics in both languages) as a kid and go see it every time it comes to town. I'm a romantic. I love the tragedy and history but let's be honest I'm a tragedy junkie. Once I went to see it with my good friend and she didn't cry. That's when I knew she wasn't right for me. And maybe not even human.

So last night I tell Jay, maybe you should just go back to your place. I've been on my own a long time, I'm probably not the best relationship person. And I hate people seeing me cry. It's so embarrassing. But the guy would just NOT LEAVE.  Technically he lives here so I can't really ask him to leave anyways. He's like, it's okay, do what you have to do.

I put on the movie and was crying in the first fifteen minutes. Then I just went with it and cried all night. He still didn't leave. Apparently I'm going to Christmas Eve dinner and midnight mass with his family this year. Another thing I like to do alone.

I guess I have to change my thinking though. It's been almost a decade since everything went wrong, and there's no need to put up walls to keep people out anymore. These people signed up for the real me, not who I had to pretend to be most of my life. They love me the way I am.

I think 2019 is going to be a good year. New beginnings are kinda my thing.