It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business. 

Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

Kryptonite

I know what you're thinking. And you're right. Two blogs in one day? It's like Christmas came in February. :)

I realized something this morning after I posted my blog. While I was talking about silly boy things, I didn't realize today is the anniversary of my sister's wedding. I'm one year out on that one. And I'm doing great. If by doing great it means that I'm loving my dog, my job, my volunteer work, my friends. I don't want to jinx this but I've hit the sweet spot.

I remember the year that I forgot my Big loves birthday for the first time. It took until the next day for it to sink it. His power over me was running low. Apparently so is the power my family holds over me.

This time last year, I was a broken person. It was worse than the first time. Spending all those years trying to work my way back to my mother and sister, while still trying to be honest and true to myself. I thought I had hit the sweet spot that time. I had both.

When Erin came over (and Erin is a super long story of me being more of a mom than a big sister for most of our life) the week before her wedding and uninvited me...I'm not being dramatic. I literally felt my heart breaking inside of me. I thought she was coming over to talk about some last minute wedding plans.

I asked her nicely to leave, waited until she would have been out of the building. I was in a good place 10 minutes before that. Then I started screaming. Crying. I ripped up the wedding invitation and threw it in the garbage. I tried to check myself into the hospital so I wouldn't try anything stupid again.  I was disappointed in her and my mother. But I was mostly disappointed in me. That I trusted them yet again. That I ever believed they would just love me for who I am. Which is NOT one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Thankfully, I could take some time off work and go home to the rest of my family who is always there for me and get better.

I had brunch with a very dear friend this morning, also an outsider now but his family never cut him off. I can't even explain in words how comforting it is to be with the people who knew both old and new Margaux. And love her regardless. He asked me if I was going to be quieter and see if I can get my family back when I'm not openly speaking out against the jdubs.

No.

I love, love, love my family. They are my kryptonite though. I just smiled and said "I'm just getting started". Between this blog and the interview I did I've reached millions of people. The message transcends religion. If you are in any situation where you are being controlled, manipulated, abused: get out. It's fucking hard. But worth the fight. Get rid of your kryptonite. It just slows you down.

My girlfriend brought me this from Japan. I framed it and hung it on the wall immediately. I'm the one alone in the canoe in the storm. I have a good canoe and I can swim. I'll be fine. As far as the family goes, I miss you guys. And I don't.

Sullivan out.

Ps. I'm really sorry to that guy I broke up with on text message today. It's been brought to my attention that I'm a huge asshole. I like to think I'm a nice girl with asshole tendencies...