Take your broken heart and turn it into art.

That's a Meryl Streep quote, maybe one of the best actresses who has ever perfected her craft.

I've been living in a strange dream lately. For the better part of the last three years, doctors had me convinced I was dying. I'm totally not. My psychic pretty much said I'm living forever and Jay was just like, yah I knew that. The thing about being sick is if you believe it, you are. It's when you stop believing that everything becomes okay. I know some people don't have that option, but for me I think I was dying from a broken heart and bad choices I made because of that. So I had the power to make that go away. It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz she always had the power she just need to learn it for herself.

I was walking to work the other day and the Jdubs had one of their stupid book booths up near my store. I usually ignore them but I had to stop. The effing Watchtower is like 4 pages now. I picked one up because I couldn't believe it. So of course they start talking to me. I put it back and said "You guys really cheaped out on the Watchtower". Before they could respond I said, I'm an apostate so you really shouldn't talk to me but I hope you have a nice day.

Then I went to work and didn't even think about them. It's not love, it's not hate. It's just indifference. That's when I knew I was over it. It took me ten years but I'm a Pisces. I had to be sad, I had to be angry. I couldn't forgive myself so I hurt myself.

I'm lucky. I have amazing people who never gave up on me. I had one day off this week and I spent it with great friends and my dog. I get to come home every night to the best guy I've ever met. I want everyone who struggles to know it does get better.

So we're lying on a blanket in the park and Max is wandering around meeting everyone and we're brainstorming ideas for my book title. We all know there's a lot of dark. Thus, the blackbirds. I tell my friend "Blackbird" is already taken. He's like, okay let's find something else. I said I had a friend who was a poet and he wrote me this beautiful poem about how the blackbird turns into a white dove. I want the book to be real, sad, happy, funny, horrific at times. Just real. I said, what about "Blackbird, White Love". Cause despite all my flaws y'all know I'm all love motherfuckers.

He was like it's perfect. And it's not everyday you get perfect, but when it happens it's awesome.

DON'T STEAL MY BOOK TITLE.

Sullivan out.

The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

Don't Look Back in Anger

Spoiler alert: my boyfriend and I fight. Not a lot but sometimes. You see someone when you wake up in the morning, you go to bed with them, you vent about work and decide what to spend money on or what not to, who isn't doing the dishes, what music to listen to...the list goes on...you're gonna fight once in awhile.

It will always end in someone crying (me) and someone shaking their head (him) and then we work it out. We hug and say I love you. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I've ever gotten was "Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and fight."

I fought for a long time against the JWs. Did me speaking out really help some people? Yes it did. Did it help me? Yes it did. One of my girlfriends loves Leah Remini's "exposing the Scientologists" show. She's was like, I think of you every time I watch it. Leah did one last week on the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought it was really well done. It wasn't overly dramatic, it was factual and honest. All cults are essentially the same but she kept saying she couldn't believe how easily they tear families apart. It is so unnatural.

I got through half the show, then I made Jay watch the rest of it with me. He was like, I know them, I know what you've been through. He does. But he watched it and now he knows it better. I held it together, although any time they showed a clip of the videos the governing body puts out  (aka those super secret crazy rich 12 guys who run the Watchtower) I would cringe. They are so sketchy and I'm not going out on a limb saying they kind of seem clinically insane.

The thing that got me was the ending. They asked the people (ex-jws) who had come forward on the show to tell their stories what they would say if they could send JUST ONE message to their families who shun them. It was the same thing over and over. No anger, no hate. Just that they loved them and if there was any chance of reconciliation they would welcome that. But they just couldn't go back.

It's taken me 8 and a half years. I can honestly say that besides those creepy Watchtower dudes I have no anger towards any one of them. Some days I still look back. There is a sadness that will never go away. But I've moved on. Now, I have a completely perfect, imperfect little family now who are just like me. Trying to do the best in whatever situation that comes up and cuddling up together at night to feel safe and warm.

That's something that makes me smile every single day, that reinforces what I already know - I made the right decision. The only choice. And that's something I'll always stay up and fight for. Because, if I do, I know it's a happy ending. :)

Sullivan out.