Whiplash

"You're in every song I wrote. But you'll never know. This is the way it should be. I'm no longer broken. And I don't need those blue eyes."

The three men I loved the most in my past life had blue eyes. Wasn't always a good time. My ex-husband, the guy I left him for and my dad. Things might still work out with dad if he realizes I'm not broken anymore. But I have the exact same eyes as him and they remind me where I come from.

I actually didn't think I'd survive all this. My therapist said I should be crazy by now. The thing about whiplash is you don't know you have it right away. It takes time for the pain to set in. Once it's there it never really goes away.

I know this from a car accident I was in, I'm not just speaking figuratively. I only get books and makeup for Christmas except for from Jay I get a Kate Spade purse twice a year. The three books this year was "Healing Trauma", "The Empath's Survival Guide" and the "Awakened Empath".

I get it guys, I'm an empath. And a hippy. I wore a flowered headband to dinner with Jay's family last night. Are those character flaws? I don't think so. But if we are an empath, we do have to learn how to live with it.

I have my moments but I don't feel broken anymore. I feel surrounded by love. My partner in life works late and often I wait up for him. He puts me to bed and turns on my rain app because it calms me and makes me sleep. And no, he doesn't have blue eyes. :) The whiplash remains. The pain heals.

Sullivan out.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Make the Yule tide gay. From now on our troubles will be miles away.

Speaking of gays, they are my favorite.  Three of my besties are gay. One of them always says I'm so gay I'm one of theirs. I'm straight but I am be one of theirs. I love those friends a lot. And I have a huge crush on Benny Drama. 

I also love going to church at Christmas. I hate religion but I kinda like church. It is so much better than a Kingdom Hall. The choir, the incense, the songs we sing. The fact that you get to light candles or burn incense for your friends. One year I went home for Christmas. And everyone had to wait for the next person to light your candle. I used to smoke. I had a lighter in my pocket and I said to dad let's not wait just light them up. He was having none of that. 

I don't like the bible but I do like the story about Jesus. I don't think he actually existed but if he did he was a good man. Probably bi sexual cause he loved Mary Magdelen and the apostle John. He didn't judge. He was all love. 

In our day and age we shouldn't judge either. Who actually cares unless someone is self harming? Be who you are, own it. Be proud about it. I know feeling shame does nothing good for you. 

Being spiritual even without a religion is an important part of life. It is something we should embrace. Hark the herald angels sing. 

Merry Christmas everyone.

Sullivan out.  

What about trust? What about love? What about us?

Family is not always easy. It's probably one of the hardest negotiations you go through in life.

Welcome to my life. Both my therapists (yes I have two) tell me to stay away from my family. I understand why. Two suicide attempts. My immediate family has been my downfall.

After two years of nothing really I came home today and had a package in my mailbox. It was from my dad, a Christmas present. I tell myself I don't need anyone because that's how life turned out. I made a wrong turn once or twice. Some bad decisions.

Overall I think I was the one who was there anytime anyone needed anything. I did the best I could. And I was the one who was punished. I kept my siblings alive. Now what are we? No siblings. Do I even have a mother? I don't think so.

But John, my dad, was the love of my life. And I know I'm his. When he looks into our same eyes he knows like I do that we have an unbreakable connection. I wish I could have had a child and passed the eyes on. It's more than that though. We are the same in so many ways. Am I scared to try again? I'd be insane not to. But he made a gesture.

He spends so much of his life like I do, helping others. However this works out John will always be a hero to me. So I guess...here we go again....whatever happens boys out there just know daddy will always be my love, the most handsome man in the world. And you'll have to fill some really big shoes to take his place.

Sullivan out.

Pretending to be happy

Is a huge burden. Pretending you're always strong for everyone else. Kills you inside. Now I know my m, uhhmmmm, not mother, Linda's side of the family will be mad at me as usual if I write anything negative cause Grandma will be upset. Heads up family I know her computer doesn't work. Please buy her a new one for Christmas and I'll stop writing these kinds of blogs. :)

You know why I know she's not upset? Because I talk to her every week. Because I was a good child and I'm a good grandchild, although not perfect. Why do musicians get to yell and scream at everyone who has ever hurt them and everyone sings along but I'm not allowed to talk.

I talked to my...no wait...not my father, John today and I think we're mending bridges. Maybe someday he'll be daddy again.

Jay left for work today and he said pretending to be happy is hard. It is. I do it every fucking day. So does he. Then what is left for us in the three minutes we have together a day? I never thought I'd think this but I need to be more selfish. One of my best memories was this day. Hit something. Hit it hard and let it fly away. Christmas market will end and I'll finish my MBA (four days!) and then we'll see where we are at. In the meantime, let it fly.

Sullivan out.

The Promise

"When you need a friend, don't look to a stranger. You know in the end I'll always be there."

Once upon a time, maybe seven years ago, I met a guy. He was fun. He threw crazy parties. Hosted a Game of Thrones night every Monday. We used to wait for each other to get off work so we could go out. I'd come out of the restaurant and he'd be leaning against a wall earphones on, cigarette in his hand. He was a sexy smoker. We were just friends.

Except he always tried to kiss me. One night I let him. We had a great summer. We implemented no pants Sundays and would hang out in the back yard suntanning and talking to our adopted Raccoon, Conrad.We'd feed him pizza and chips. He got so comfortable with us he actually broke into the house one time and Jay found him sitting on the couch eating chips and watching tv.

But this isn't a fairytale, We broke up. A lot. We fought a lot. We dated other people. But the in between times were what made us special. Like how he'd buy me flowers on Mother's Day because he knew that day made me sad. How we were never speaking to each other again but I texted him when Cat was dying of cancer and he showed up and went with me to put her down and we both cried.

We've come a long way since then. We grew up. Things happened so we were forced to. I spent a lot of time in the hospital. I was dating someone else at that time who never once showed up. Jay would text me every morning and ask what I wanted to eat. He'd curl up in the little stale hospital bed with me so I didn't feel alone. We didn't party anymore. He said something to me tonight after he went out to buy the biggest Christmas tree I've ever had and I was so happy. We were dancing around the living room to 90s music, Christmas music decorating the tree. Where would you be right now without me? I said dead. I'd be dead. He said yes, you would be.

So I asked him, are you in love with me or did you stay with me out of guilt? Out of knowing where I'd be without you. You have a hero complex so I've never been sure.  He was honest. He said yes that's why he stayed with me all these years. At least in the beginning. But now he really is in love with me. He thinks I'm so strong and so smart and even pretty sometimes :) Sometimes love comes softly. He said you saved me too. I looked around our apartment and the dog on my lap and the cat on his and I got it. I gave him a family surrounded by love.

I ran into my brother randomly the other day (my family mostly shuns me) he was like are you and J married yet? I said basically yes. I don't need another ceremony, to sign some papers. But he is totally end game for me. I made a promise to myself to never let him down again. We've lived together for years so we are married, just not on paper. Death is the enemy. We've lost pets, we've lost family, we've lost friends. We won't lose each other.

He drives me crazy sometimes with his Filipino food and leaving his socks on the floor. But if that the worst I can say about the most wonderful person I've ever met, it's not so bad. And hey, he made sure that I'm still here. :) The promise stands.

Sullivan out.