Hey Soul Sister!

I woke up at 3 am and went to the kitchen. I thought I'd get a bowl of rice and a glass of water. Oh the perks of living in sin with an Asian, there's always fresh rice.

Jay: Bad dreams?
Me: Is there any other kind?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I guess she's 41 now. The days are long but the years are short. I don't really think about my family. Both my therapists are not fans, they think of them more like an infected limb I should cut off and be done with it before it spreads all through me. Does that hurt? Don't do it. 

They are probably right. But my sister. We've been through a lot together. A lot of her problems, she was never around for mine. I was always there for her though. I haven't seen her or my mother in over three years. Since she invited me and then uninvited me to her wedding. One of the biggest traumas in my life, I have to admit. When she gave me the invitation I said, are you sure? She said of course, you're my sister. Then the elders got involved and even though I'd bought a dress, wrote a card, had the wedding present, I wasn't allowed to go.

My family came to Toronto and drove by my place on their way to the wedding. I was sitting on the window in my pjs smoking. Yah, I used to smoke. They honked and waved like it was any other day of the week. I went out and drank until I didn't have any more feelings.

That was a long time ago now and I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Not by blood but out of love. I understand why my therapists and everyone else wants me to stay away from my family. The blood ties though are strong and pull at you every once in awhile. These people are pretty much strangers to me at this point but I still miss them. And wherever my sister is, I hope she's happier than I was in that life and wish her all the best.

Sullivan out.

Running to Stand Still

"My dear, here we must run as fast as we can just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that." - Alice in Wonderland

A few months ago, I was faced with a difficult decision. My little brother was getting married and my sister, for various reasons, couldn't go. I hated the thought of her alone here in Toronto while we all ate, drank, danced and posted pictures of it. (Not that she's really alone, she had a fiancee and all the JWs, but I felt she needed her family.) I stayed here and spent the day with her. 

As it turned out, three months later she put me in that exact situation. I was formally uninvited to the wedding two weeks prior. Apparently I make JWs uncomfortable. I asked her to leave, ripped up the wedding invite on my fridge and wondered what to do with the very expensive dress I bought for the occasion. 

I've always had two sisters though, Kyla is just not blood related. But some friendships run deeper than blood. I called her, crying, and just like that she booked a train ticket to come to Toronto and spend the weekend with me. 

I had the vacation time booked at work, so my aunts and uncles asked me to come home. I spent a week with them, shoveling snow, reading books, sitting next to fireplaces and feeling loved. I have three birthday presents already and my birthday isn't even until Friday. 

On Friday I travelled back here with my uncle and my grandma who were going to the wedding. We had dinner together and then Kyla showed up. We hadn't seen each other in way too long. The thing about real friendship though is that it doesn't matter how much time has gone by. Any time you do spend together - it's like time has stood still and you're right back where you were the last time you saw each other. A little bit older, a few things to fill each other in on, but basically you just pick up exactly where you left off. 

I had a surprisingly super fun weekend. Had a few meals with Rob and Grandma and they came over to meet my puppy. Kyla and I went to the market and bought some really great food to make delicious breakfast, lunch and supper on Saturday. (Yes Grandma, I ate three meals on Saturday!) We went to the aquarium for the afternoon, we got all dressed up and went down to the bar in the evening. Where we had a few drinks and got hit on. (Mostly just Kyla got hit on but I like to think it was because I loaned her the sexier dress.)

Kyla with a few drinks in her is fun Kyla times ten. She actually punched a guy who tried to put his hand on her leg because she's married to the love of her life and gawd, guys you should be checking for that wedding ring before you pull something like that. Good times. :) Anytime I started to feel sad on Saturday, she'd pull out yet another pre-planned wrapped present to cheer me up. My friend Brett seemed to have me on speed dial all weekend, calling over and over just to say he loved me. My little brother showed up early yesterday morning before his flight and it was so, so, so good to see him again. 

Today, the wedding is over and life is just back to usual. Waking up at 5:30 am to do yoga and take the dog out before work. 

It's the same place I was at a couple of weeks ago before this all happened. Sometimes it does feel like you have to run so fast to just stay in the same place and not go backwards. But other days, when you have the energy and good karma to run twice as fast, you can actually get somewhere. And with all this wonderful "family" behind me...it'll happen. 

Sullivan out. 

#fuckerin

Get the Guy

I would have given you all of my heart. But there's someone who's torn it apart. And she's taken just all that I had, but if you want I'll try to love again, baby, I'll try to love again but I know...the first cut is the deepest. - Rod Stewart

Yes, it's been a cheesy old people music kind of day. I hate to be a complainer but I'm so tired. Never take a few months off work, even if you're really sick because it's so hard to get back into your routine. I just want to take naps and stay home. 

I do however love my neighbourhood. We're all friends here. I went into a store today and the guy working there called me Maggie. Maybe that's what set off my Rod obsession (for all you teenagers out there Maggie May is a very popular Rod Stewart song) but no one has ever really nicknamed me. Okay, not "no one". My little brother calls me Marge. I hate it. My sister calls me Aux. But only one other person has ever called me Maggie, which I'm actually fine with. He was one of the best friends I ever had, who turned out to be one of the worst friends I ever had.

Men. I've always been unlucky, which I knew even though the JWs don't believe in luck. When my ex husband wanted to marry me I told him my bad luck would wear off on him. He considered himself extremely lucky and said no, his good luck would wear off on me. WRONG. 

It seems like everyone I know got engaged this month. I'm happy for all of them. But I have reservations about marriage. I feel like I've been to the puppet show, I've seen the strings. Since my divorce I've tried really hard to put myself back out there. I've dated everyone. Tall, short, slim, chubby, white, black, brunettes, redheads, blondes. 

There have been three guys in my life that I was absolutely crazy about. The rest were nice guys I've been lucky to spend some time with.  I realized in the midst of all this wedding news, I don't know what I want. I thought I wanted to find love again, have a kid. Be a normal person. I'm not normal though. I've given it a good try. It never works out for me. 

Right now, I care about me. My life, my siblings, my job, my friends, my happiness. I'm just a fucked up girl who really doesn't know if she needs or even wants a man anymore. I feel completely complete without one and I'm happy. I have my girls, my gay boys, my lovely ex-boyfriends, my adopted family. I feel surrounded by love and support from the best people in the world. If it happens again, great. If I stumble upon someone who is a great best friend, a wonderful lover and completely into being mutually supportive, I'll give it a shot. But I'm not going to try to chase it down anymore. Matthew Hussey is disappointed with me. He really wants me to try to "get the guy". :)

I just don't believe "getting the guy" is the purpose of life. We don't need someone to complete us. We complete ourselves, with a little help from the fabulous people around us. You'll have to excuse me, now I have to go and help plan a bunch of weddings. 

Sullivan out.