I'm Not a Concept

When you know you know. People say that all the time about love. It's kind of annoying right? How do you know? And for the record, there's usually never just "the one". He can come and go. He takes a piece of your heart so you can't ignore him when he comes around. The good news is he never stays long. And after awhile you make peace with it and move on. Love him from a safe distance. 

LOVE is an action word. It's not just about sentiment or chemistry or the fact you want to take them to bed. It's about being there. It's about support. It's about trust. Yah the bedroom part is in there. 

Some girl is trying to steal my boyfriend and I'm not worried. The girl who wanted to steal my husband got him. I lost my I thought "the one" to someone else. This girl now - she's hot, yes. Hotter than me. Younger, prettier. Totally slutty. 

I know though that every night he's coming here. To my dog and cat and me. Our little family. I know I'm smarter than her and I know I can love him better. So I'm not worried. 

Jay's been around long enough to hold my hand through endless cry sessions about my completely messed up half of the family, through a couple of hospital visits where I almost died and it was messy. As in he'd have to figure out what to do with the body.

Through me leaving Toronto to go home and sending me care packages. 

But when someone really loves you, you get through the messy parts and get on to just being good. We are great and I'm really happy. He supports all my stupid ideas like doing an MBA or going out to buy him a bottle of wine and coming home with a kitten. And that girl? Sorry kiddo, this one is taken. 

He doesn't idealize what we have. He knows what he's in for. Just a fucked up girl trying to find my own peace of mind. He's okay with that. When you know, you know. I know he's the one. 

Sullivan out. 

“I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to 'make them alive'…but I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.” - Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

With or Without You

I can't live with or without you. - U2

Last night was Nuit Blanche, so like everyone in Toronto, we were wandering around at 4:30 am with my dog looking at bad art. Nuit Blanche used to be cool, before the hipsters ruined it. They are the worst. That's why I stay east end instead of west end now. West end is full of damn hipsters.

So we're talking about love last night. I've been in love enough times. I think my dance card is full. And this is probably the last time for me. But you never know. I've dated a lot. Like a lot a lot. And I can truthfully say I've only been in love five times. That's a pretty good number in 20 years, I've been lucky. I don't know really how love works but I rate that number on how many times I've cried over someone for longer than a day or two.

There was the first love of course. They say the first cut is the deepest and that one hurt. But not the worst. After him came my husband. That one hurt more. Then came the guy I left my husband for. That one was very, very bad. Probably more because of all the things I gave up for him than being about him. After that, came that guy who used to be my boss.

I was talking to my mentor the other day about the current guy and he said he thought it was a good thing. I said, well you thought the last one was a good thing. He just said, I knew you loved him. And I really did. Said mentor and his wife have been together forever. Raised a family, pursued careers, traveled. They still love each other after all that time. Although I envy that, apparently the Universe didn't think that was my path in life.

Back to last night. We're talking about love. And he says that it really doesn't mean that much when someone says "I love you". (Effing psych degree over there.) But I thought about it, and he's right. All the men I've loved have been completely different. I really did love each of them. I said those three words. They were there at different times in my life, when I needed them to guide me somewhere. I don't regret any of it. At the time, I couldn't live without them. He said what would mean more would be if someone said: I can't imagine my life without you.

I can't imagine my life without him. At least not at the moment. Sidepoint: I couldn't love anyone who didn't love my dog as much as he does. 

It's scary to love again after you've done it and been disappointed with the outcome. I've realized there is no "the one" for some of us. There's the one who is supposed to be there in the here and now. The difference with him from all the others is that he loves me just the way I am. I don't have to be anyone I'm not, look a certain way. He's been there for me through countless terrible situations. He just holds my hand and says "we've got this" every time. And somehow it always works out.

The most significant, important love of our life is figuring out how to love ourselves. If you find someone who loves the you that you love, well that's just icing on the cake. Nothing makes me happier than coming home and seeing those stupid boots he wears year round in my entrance way. I can't imagine my life without you JJ. :)

Sullivan out.