The Unwanted Visitor

I can't make any promises about not writing about this again a few times before June. It's my 10 year out of the cult into the real world anniversary coming up. I feel really good these days. My friends say I look great again, not the way I used to, all skinny and sick. I can honestly say I'm happy.

I feel like Margaux 2.0, just ten years older and a bit more weathered. That doesn't mean however that I won't have relapses. I've been through a lot of change this past year. I feel it's helping me grow, but people worry about me when I feel down. My therapist says that once you've been through a major depression it's prone to re-visit.

Sometimes something triggers it, sometimes it's just being tired, sad or frustrated. Sometimes it's because I really miss someone I've lost. I've learned coping skills on how to move ahead when that happens, but that doesn't mean it will stop it from happening once in awhile.

The reason I speak out about it is I feel I'm helping people by breaking the stigma. We could tuck it away in the closet and pretend we're fine all the time but I think that's what makes people crazy. Now my go-to is: Let it out. Cry. Spend a whole day wallowing if you need to. Take a nap. Watch something fun on Netflix. Then wipe your eyes and get up tomorrow knowing it's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. Depression Lies. Tell your unwanted visitor his time is up and he has to leave now.

I've always been a tiny (huge) bit dramatic and that's what us writers and artists are, aren't we? I don't think I'm that dramatic anymore because I feel safe and secure, but I still have those days when I need to focus on self-care. We were going out the other night to watch the Raptors play. On the way there Jay was like "Who's my crazy girl? You are. But you're MY crazy girl". He's right. I can be crazy. I'll go out for a walk and come home with a puppy or a kitten or someone who needs to crash on our couch indefinitely.

At the end of the day, it's refreshing to have someone who loves me not because were in the same cult or they're trying to control what I do, but because they think I deserve to be loved. Who sits with me when I cry sometimes. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and always says "we got this". Who helps me lock the door when my unwanted visitor comes calling. Who shows me I'm so much more than just someone who was raised in a cult, abandoned by most family and friends, who deals with depression every now and then.

This is real love and I know it doesn't happen every day. Whatever you're going through, there are people are out there who will love you regardless. Find your people. You have the power, you just have to believe in that for yourself. The sun is shining again and ps. get a dog :)

If you can't love yourself how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an Amen? *RuPaul

Sullivan out.

This is about Nothing.

well it's happened. i feel like i need to write, but i have nothing to say. not entirely true, i have lots of things to say. but there are thing i protect and won't talk about, like family and friends. unless it's positive. if you want to know who in my family has the worst secrets (and it's a toss up, spoiler alert!) you'll have to wait for the book, which will only be published after i die. :)

speaking of death, jay was amazed last night to hear i'd already planned every detail if max's funeral. hey, he's a big dog, he's not doing to live forever. i've planned my funeral, why shouldn't i plan his? his is going to be so much cuter than mine. when all you do is work and study sometimes your mind wanders.

i'm a planner. i figure i feel too much, been through too much. i'm a pisces, so whatever you feel about anything, double that, add in some drama and then double it again. if max just dropped dead they'd probably have to put me in a psych ward. he is the best thing that ever happened to me. that homeless helpless huge puppy. i always call him my love because he is. with my funeral no one is coming. (except a very small guest list, you're probably not on it and i've paid jay to get bouncers.) max though, is everyone's dog and it would be selfish of me not to share the grief this time. so i plan it now, halfway thorough his life and i get 5 years to come to peace with it. which we all know i never will but at least i'll be better prepared.

turns out, both my "kids" are almost exactly me. max is having a sleepover party tonight so i'm home alone with rosie. she kinda scares me. if max exudes the please love me, i'll do anything for you side of me, rosie is the other side of the bed. hey, i know how to stand up for myself and i've been doing it for years. that's why y'all love me right? i've done the brave honest thing till it hurt. rosie takes it one step further. i could learn a thing or two from that tiny little kitten. jay says rosies' go-to is: lick, lick, BITE. she's your friend. until she's not. then she makes you bleed. for all my friends with kids, this excludes children, she respects them and would never bite your child. please don't be afraid to come over.  

in the end, she spends a lot of time in her cage. she'll scratch until you bleed, then go pee on your bed. she'll eat your flowers just because she knows you love them more than anything else in the home. stuff you don't care about? she'll never touch it. but she WILL destroy your roses. the cage never teaches her a lesson. it's almost like she likes it in there, quiet time alone to contemplate how she'll take over the world. she becomes totally calm. it's disturbing. she is however very loving and loyal to her half-life partner (cause cats never die) max.

at the end of the day, all i can say is thank the universe i have a boyfriend / man-friend/ lover/ husband/ best friend whatever you want to call him, who would notice i was missing if i died and come find me before rosie ate half my face because i wasn't able to feed her. this whole blog is very morbid but if you were in my messed up head, you'd think it's really funny. i'm laughing :)

sullivan out.

Happiness Is...

A trap. An illusion. A reality. A certainty. It can be all of those things, depending on one thing and one thing only - us.

It's the plot line to every great book, every Oscar winning movie. Overcoming our barriers in life and finding whatever our personal version of success and happiness is. Okay, okay sometimes the Oscars only like those movies where everyone is miserable and dies at the end. But you get my point.

It's the end of January. It's cold and grey. It seems as though a lot of people are getting the winter blues. Grey is slowly becoming one of my favorite colors. In an effort to fight out against the cold, the wind, the miserable people, the grey...I've been trying to focus on what makes me happy.

So many times it's the big things. Things like work, family, friends, social life, romantic relationships. I won't lie, those things do make me happy. But I've had another *yes another* shitty couple of weeks. I was walking to work and there was a thin layer of snow on the ground. I didn't see a patch of ice and I slipped and fell. Hobbled around like an old lady for a week. My back finally started feeling better but then I caught some crazy cold/flu virus and couldn't even get out of bed for two days.

Time for a pity party right? Not this time. Those grounding influences I mentioned are so valued. In the day to day though, especially if we're on our own, we need to look for those little things that can make a whole day shine. I do a gratitude list every morning and I don't exclude the little things.

For instance:

- I'm so lucky to have really big windows. I wake up every morning and can sit and meditate on the floor while I watch the sun rise. It's the perfect start to the day.
- I work close enough to home that I can walk back and forth instead of commuting.
- Watching my dog play in the park every day and having him to sleep next to me every night.
- Today I received a letter in the mail from a very dear friend. Who writes letters in a world of wifi and text messaging and email? Kindred spirits.
- Yoga (enough said)
- My ex boyfriend bought me a lily one year when he felt bad that on mother's day I had nowhere to go. I've always had a lily since then.
- Books. I just finished a book about a girl who went from abuse to self-hate to self-love and I love those writers who just tell the simple truth and reassure us we're not alone, and we're going to land on our feet.

Yeah, that light dusting of snow that hid the ice gave me a bad week. But the snow was pretty :)

Happiness isn't complicated. And it's not eternal. No matter how much we have or how much we lose, we won't always feel happy. We can however, relish those moments, tuck them away in our hearts and draw on them when things aren't the best. Little pieces of sunshine for those cold, blustery January days.

If you'd like to share what little things make you happy, please leave a comment. Stay warm.

Sullivan out.

Be my Valentine...?

Yesterday I got in a taxi, then on a plane, and then another plane. Had lunch with my uncle in Halifax and then onto a bus. My aunt picked me up at the gas station and 12 and half hours later I was home. 

I woke up to this:

I've never been much for sleeping in and this is the perfect place to watch the sun come up. My aunt was very well prepared for V-Day. She had flowers for Grandma, cards and presents. I even got one - she gave me this - a pretty crystal I can hang in the window and when the sun hits it - rainbows will be everywhere in the apartment. I think I lucked out. :)

I know that this is just a silly, commercial holiday that really shouldn't matter. But to a lot of girls it does. I have friends who say it makes them feel more single if they don't have someone to spend it with. I have friends whose boyfriends completely forget to do anything sweet for them at all. If you go on Instagram or FaceBook though you can see from the pictures there are tons of girls whose boyfriends/husbands/significant others are really well prepared for this made-up holiday. 

Having grown up "holiday free" I don't buy in to spending tons of money to follow the crowd. But I also think that any occasion that reminds us to show love and affection to the people in our lives - even in little ways - is not a bad thing. And hey, who doesn't like flowers or chocolates? Those people cannot be trusted!

I'll share the worst story I heard today. My girlfriend has recently reconnected with an ex. A BIG ex. He asked for a place to stay for a little bit. She hummed and wondered what the right thing to do would be. She went the way a lot of us do (I've been there) and said sure, she could give him a month. We're women, we're compassionate. And we've all been in situations where someone went out of their way to help us out. 

She found out today, on Valentines Day, the day that once upon a time ago they had planned their wedding for - that he's actually married now and never told her. Ouch. 

I think the best thing to do today is to make a date with your BFF and not let society dictate your happiness, whether or not you received those red roses. My plan, were I in Toronto now was to hit up a wine show at an art gallery with Lindsay. Y'all know I don't date anymore, but a few of the huge dogs here have tried to make out with me. There is love in the air! There's a lovely bouquet of flowers on the table, I think I'll just take a pic and post it on Instagram. My hot, rich, sensitive, doctor/lawyer/CEO boyfriend must have bought them for me right? He's so sweet. :)

I did have a date with two different men today. They were okay but both of them turned out to sorta be an ass. I don't see a long term future for us.  

I say it all the time, the most important person you should love is you. If you're staying in tonight, find something special for you - and just for you. Pick up some flowers. Buy a nice bottle of wine. Give yourself a facial and listen to the music you love (because there's no boy there to tell you to turn off your Taylor Swift cd! Yay!) If you're still a little sad read this: You Complete Me...?  All you fabulous women deserve it! And if you're a little lonely, you can borrow one of the donkeys. :)

Sullivan out. 

PS - There is one man I desperately miss and wish I was having cuddle time with tonight. Max!!

Since he was abandoned on New Years Day, I've distributed flyers and had quite a bit of interest from people in the community who want to adopt him. It's not too late (yet - but soon it will be! 5 days to go!) to contribute to our crowdfunding campaign to cover some of his vet bills. 

Even $10 helps. One of my friends got his tip money from work and gave us $10 in loonies. It was much appreciated. Click here to support us!

Eat, Pray, Love

Alright, I'll be the first to admit I hated that book. But she picked a really great title. :)

People at work have made a lot of comments since I've been back from Christmas holidays. That I seem happy. That I'm starting to look like my old self, whoever that was. That my smile is back for real. It probably helps that I'm no longer that skeletal girl who came back from sick leave scared of what I was going to find. 

Eat

For the longest time, I couldn't eat. Everything made me feel sick. Then one day I dusted off my Nutribullet and started making green smoothies every morning. Kale, spinach, some fruit. All of a sudden, I started to get hungry again. 

Pray

I don't pray. We all know that and I won't lie about it. But I have gotten into the habit of getting up super early (like 5:30 am) and doing yoga every morning. Then I sit by the window and watch the sun come up. I don't pray to a God but I talk to the Universe. It's different than praying. Prayers, I always asked for help with something. Now I just say thank you for all the things I already have. 

Love

It was Martin Luther King Jr. day on Monday. He said: "Hatred paralyzes life, love releases it. Hatred confuses life, love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life, love illuminates it." 

Beautiful words. I've worked very, very hard to get rid of my hatred and embrace the love. I think I've surrounded myself with good people. On New Years Day, a friend I don't know very well asked me to take care of their puppy for awhile. Just until they found a new owner. When I picked him up, with no food, no treats, no toys I had no idea his owners would walk away and never respond to my messages ever again. 

He's a good puppy. Animals can give us the best kind of love, it's unconditional. Friends, boyfriends, even family, can come and go. But a pet? They stick around and love you no matter what. This terribly irresponsible couple promised to pay any vet bills that came up but when I asked them about shots, dog license and the surgery he needed they just never responded. 

Would I have willingly adopted a dog who needed $1500 worth of work? Of course not. I'm much too practical and responsible for that. But I don't abandon strays either, whether they are people or pets. That's why I'm asking for your help. I set up the campaign (link below) to try to get Max fixed up so either I or some other loving person will decide to keep him forever. Please feel free to share it with your networks...I guess part of the reason I can't turn anyone away is that I've been there. 

I've been homeless. I've been friendless. I've been broke and alone. And I needed the love of the strangers I've found along the way who have become my cherished friends. Anything helps, even a few dollars. 

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/help-a-puppy/x/9652905

Sullivan out. 

So long, old friend.

I don't cry anymore. I remember back in the day, after everything happened, Stuart would call me to check in and the first thing he'd ask is, Mahhhhhhhrgaux, do you still cry at your desk?

No. I did yesterday though and I totally got caught. Crying at my desk. I have to say, one of the most difficult things about owning a pet is deciding when to let go. They have great lives. We feed them, pet them, clean up their poo.

But they give us so much back all that shit is totally worth it. Those people who never own pets really cannot be trusted. It's a commitment, similar to having kids, I believe you're in it for the long run once you adopt someone who needs a home.

Cat has been here for 14 years now. And she was already an adult when I got her, so she is very old. The average age they live is 12-15 years. So I got lucky with her. But I was probably a really bad cat-mom so it goes without saying it's no doubt a good thing I never ended up with those kids I so desperately wanted. I'm sure kids are more work than a cat.

She's put up with a lot. Roomates. I married and divorced a guy who really hated cats. She has outlived all my apartments, jobs, boyfriends, friends, even my marriage. She was there when I was kicked out of the j-dubs and completely alone. I cried a lot and barely left the house, but I think she kinda was ok with it because we had lots of cuddle time in bed.

Animals are truly loyal companions, they don't complain, even when they're in pain, which as it turns out, Cat has been dealing with for a long time although I didn't know. Us humans could learn something from them.

I knew the way things were going, but I still wasn't completely ready for the call I got tonight from the vet with her test results. There's nothing they can really do for an 18 year old dying cat. They wanted me to bring her in tonight but I was like, hell no. Give me some time to process this. So they gave me 14 or 15 hours. I could tell them to go eff themselves but she's obviously in pain and suffering and after everything she's given me, I will not make her wait days or weeks to end that for her.

Tonight, we're just at home, cuddling. She knows what I know, and she's not fighting it anymore. She's been crying the past couple of days asking me to take care of this for her. So tomorrow morning I will. But for now, we've got tonight.

Chat Noir, you really are the best cat ever. You will be missed.