Cockroach

It's been awhile. Anyways, sorry but I've been really busy. Let's just do this quick. So I'm talking to my ex boyfriend tonight (it's his birthday) and yesterday was my birthday so we're both very Pisces. Somehow in conversation I said, Yesterday Jay said I was like a cockroach.

Him: Does he ever say nice things about you?

Me: That was totally a compliment.

Now, should I see a cockroach in my apartment? Not a good thing. But you have to respect those little mother f*ers. One of these days, the end of the world is going to come. And you know who is going to survive? The cockroaches. You can try to kill them. You can poison them. You can cut their heads off. They will stay alive. That's what they do.

If one message to you is my only purpose in life here it is: I've been to purgatory, I've looked Hell itself in the face. I'm still here. I'm still happy. :)

Of course there was a snowstorm on my birthday. The weather was crazy. Friends are cancelling plans. The whole time, I'm just thinking, bring it on. When/if (that's a big if) I'm not around anymore, please remember, you weather the storms and eventually life gives you a break. Right now, I love my job. I have the perfect dog. Awesome friends, the best boyfriend. I know none of these things will last forever and that it has taken a decade to rebuild a life I left. I feel like my head got cut off and I was wandering around without one for awhile. (btw what do cockroaches do when you cut their head off? do they grow a new head?)

It's good and it's sad at the same time but I'm starting to forget them. Even my family. I try to bring up their voices in my head sometimes and I can't. All the photo albums are in storage, I don't look at them. I'm the marketing person for my firm now and we need to spend a lot of money to get new sites photographed and I thought for a second oh my sister is trying to do a photography business maybe I should get her the job. Then I remembered, I can't, because she shuns me. She wouldn't pick up the phone call.

I wonder how they would feel to know they aren't punishing me anymore because I almost forget they exist. They are there, like characters in a book you wish you had never read but you had to read it to get to the place you're in today. (Kinda like every textbook I've read for my MBA :)

My family was my MBA in life. There's a few good ones left (Grandma!) but for the most part, I honestly don't need anyone who doesn't believe in me. I think I'm imperfect but at the same time thoughtful and kind and I give anything I have to anyone who needs it. Jay sees that in me. I think that's why he loves me. But he also loves the cockroach who can't be killed no matter what life throws. He tells me I'm the strongest person he's ever met. I don't feel strong. But maybe, just maybe, I am.

One of my most special old life friends always told me, The past is like a rearview mirror. You should check it sometimes to make sure you're in the right lane. But if you stare into it, you'll crash. 

He was right. I learned that the hard way. So take the easy way. Grieve when you need to, but leave the past in the past. Get your head cut off, but grow a new one. A better one. And then, never, ever take for granted your second chance. For me, this IS the afterworld. And it's lovely. :)

Sullivan out.

This is 40!

So today is my last day of being in my 30s. I took the blog out of retirement. Do I lie about my age on my online dating profiles? Sure. Because I can. I got some good genes. :)

I'm actually totally okay with turning 40 tomorrow. You couldn't pay me to go back to being 30. I hated my 30s. I was stuck in a cult, then one day I realized if I didn't leave, make a decision, I'd live and die like that. Then I lost everything. When I was in there, I thought I'd be someone. Eventually I was in their eyes. Didn't make me happy.

You know what makes me happy? I had a little birthday party last night. It was a mixed bag. Married people and divorced. People who are living "in sin" with their partners. Gay and straight. Ex-boyfriends. Dogs. I couldn't have been happier. LOVE IS LOVE. I'm not against religion when it enhances peoples lives and makes them happy. What I am against is intolerance, racism, judging people based on how much money they make or their sexual orientation. Don't even get me started on Trump. Also, the JW stigma against higher education. Or anyone who's not one of them, because of course, we'll all die at the always right around the corner, never coming Armageddon.

My mentor was there and he told me he was proud of me for choosing such good people to rebuild my life with.

My life is half over but I think I'm just finally starting to see what it means to be living. As one of my awesome, terrible ex-boyfriends always used to say: "Onwards and Upwards." This was my path, and these are my people. I couldn't be more grateful.

*I can't change. Even if I tried. Even if I wanted to."

Sullivan out.

Forever 27

I missed my birthday blog. I haven't been feeling well. I had a great birthday weekend though. Lots of dog park time. Which is perfect.

My friends and family are all trained. I turn 27 every year on February 27th. So all my cards say Happy 27th! This year though, I feel too damn young to feel this old.

I've laboured over this blog. I've written it, deleted it and re-written it so many times in my head. Us writers are a strange breed who walk around talking to ourselves and writing in notebooks. It's just a birthday, I know. And age is just a number. But I'm always honest with y'all so...this was my last birthday in my 30s. But 40 is the new 30 right? I'm still pretty. :)

And I finally feel like I know who I am, what I want out of life and what I don't want. I couldn't get all my friends together last Saturday night so I celebrated for a week. Dalyse took me to a Blue Rodeo concert. Lindsay took me shopping. Robin took me to the dog park. Jay and Spencer sang Happy Birthday while I blew out the candles on my cake.

I have the most amazing friends. I'm happy with my job. I still feel like I'm playing catch-up with life, after all those years I spent slaving for the JWs. But the Universe has been kind to me.

I've been married to a great, handsome guy. I've been madly in love after that. I've lost so many people that I love so much, but I've found something that I think will ground me for the second half of my life. I love myself. I've been volunteering more lately and I feel like perhaps I'm actually making a difference again. Although the corporate life can be taxing, I'm in a position where I've made so many relationships, I can leverage their support to help these causes that I care about.

I feel like I've lived 3 different lives so far. This one is the scariest. But it's also my favorite. I've learned a lot living on the outside of my past life. I've learned how to trust again, how to love again. How to start over from absolutely nothing - no home, no money, no friends - and accept the help that I used to be too proud to take.

As a Jehovah's Witness being part of "the world" was the worst thing. I thought I might save the world when I was one of them.  In the end though, the world saved me. And now I'm strong enough to start trying to do that again. I'm a bit weathered from the fight but that's okay.

I know now that we shouldn't judge others. That none of us are better than anyone else. That we need to erase stigmas. That mental health issues are real. That we are all fighting a hard battle, so let's just be kind. I've come a long way from where I began. The journey continues...

Sullivan out.