The Unwanted Visitor

I can't make any promises about not writing about this again a few times before June. It's my 10 year out of the cult into the real world anniversary coming up. I feel really good these days. My friends say I look great again, not the way I used to, all skinny and sick. I can honestly say I'm happy.

I feel like Margaux 2.0, just ten years older and a bit more weathered. That doesn't mean however that I won't have relapses. I've been through a lot of change this past year. I feel it's helping me grow, but people worry about me when I feel down. My therapist says that once you've been through a major depression it's prone to re-visit.

Sometimes something triggers it, sometimes it's just being tired, sad or frustrated. Sometimes it's because I really miss someone I've lost. I've learned coping skills on how to move ahead when that happens, but that doesn't mean it will stop it from happening once in awhile.

The reason I speak out about it is I feel I'm helping people by breaking the stigma. We could tuck it away in the closet and pretend we're fine all the time but I think that's what makes people crazy. Now my go-to is: Let it out. Cry. Spend a whole day wallowing if you need to. Take a nap. Watch something fun on Netflix. Then wipe your eyes and get up tomorrow knowing it's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. Depression Lies. Tell your unwanted visitor his time is up and he has to leave now.

I've always been a tiny (huge) bit dramatic and that's what us writers and artists are, aren't we? I don't think I'm that dramatic anymore because I feel safe and secure, but I still have those days when I need to focus on self-care. We were going out the other night to watch the Raptors play. On the way there Jay was like "Who's my crazy girl? You are. But you're MY crazy girl". He's right. I can be crazy. I'll go out for a walk and come home with a puppy or a kitten or someone who needs to crash on our couch indefinitely.

At the end of the day, it's refreshing to have someone who loves me not because were in the same cult or they're trying to control what I do, but because they think I deserve to be loved. Who sits with me when I cry sometimes. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and always says "we got this". Who helps me lock the door when my unwanted visitor comes calling. Who shows me I'm so much more than just someone who was raised in a cult, abandoned by most family and friends, who deals with depression every now and then.

This is real love and I know it doesn't happen every day. Whatever you're going through, there are people are out there who will love you regardless. Find your people. You have the power, you just have to believe in that for yourself. The sun is shining again and ps. get a dog :)

If you can't love yourself how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an Amen? *RuPaul

Sullivan out.

Life will be the death of me...

...and you. At this point Chelsea Handler should be paying me to plug her book. But it really is a great title. I'm all about the titles takes me longer to pick one than writing a blog.

So y'all know I'm brutal truth like she is just a little more lady like. What saves people like us is a sense of humour. This past week I was trying to cheer up a friend going through a rough time. But her close friend was too. My best friend says I'm hilarious because no matter what life throws at me I'm always doing triage on all my friends. So we call. And call. And text. She will not pick up. When she finally does, she says I'm not suicidal I just don't want to live anymore. That was the funniest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. So we laughed like real bring tears to your eyes laughter.

You're not allowed to laugh if you've never dealt with depression. I'm a huge mental health advocate I think I've had seven maybe eight therapists? One guy has always been THE ONE. Then this guy in Nova Scotia is my number two. If you've been through it, you know someone can make that comment and it's funny.

The good thing about life is we're all like the ocean. Or maybe just us Pisces. It comes in waves. And I'm on top of a wave right now and maybe next time it'll be me saying something so real. One of us is always on top of the wave in a lifeboat. Our roles go back and forth. But we get to shore together.

End of the day, I believe in women helping each other because we understand each other. Sometimes you meet a good guy who tries to be part of the solution. Who built that lifeboat I pick people out of the water from? It's the nicest guy I ever met. Who cares about my family and friends even if he gets nothing in return. He would open his wallet and take the shirt off his back for anyone who needed it.

I have felt like my friend does now.

I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to live anymore. Look hard enough though, and there's always a reason to get up the next morning. For me it's my boyfriend/man-friend/husband/life partner/lover/whatever you want to call him, my dog, my grandma, my beautiful niece, my friends, my studies, my books...the people who read what I write the list goes on...I have so much to be grateful for.

We aren't getting out of here alive. Might as well be real, be honest, live well, die well. I tip my hat to Chelsea for writing such an honest book.

All of us are Game of Thrones cult kids. So I deflected. I was like new season starts Sunday lets make a deadline and place our bets on who will take the Throne. And you know what? We all had tons of laughs and made it through the last few days on text message and video calls.

I think she feels better.

It's that easy to be an ally to someone suffering from depression. Don't tell them they are being too emotional, make them laugh. When I've gone through it in the past, Jay always says "we got this". Knowing someone has your back even if it's possible your character will kill their character in the final season of games makes you keep fighting. Cause you have backup. Him and I? We dress up like I'm Uma and he's one of the crazy 88s every Halloween (Kill Bill) we kinda look like them in the movie. So we are basically trying to kill each other once a year. People cheer at us on the street and yell KILL BILL! because it's actually really funny and yes that yellow jumpsuit cost me a lot but was totally worth it to never ever have to wear heels on Halloween.

Then we live to see another day. Except you girls are all going down in this final Season. I'm taking the Throne. :) 

I never do this anymore but here's your "Friday morning life is good" song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDcTyyXQb8

"People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one, and we've just begun.. Even though we aint got money I'm so in love with you hunny. Everything is going to be alright. Everything will bring a chain of love. Now I see a family where there once was none." Good song. We haven't just begun. We've been up and down this road for almost a decade. This time is different. Lindsay says I love everyone and I do, but I'm through with the game. Life led me back to him. From now on...I love Jay more than anyone except Max and Grandma. And now I have a niece. And a family. He's end game, this life. I believed love never dies, but it does and then eventually like spring it starts again. New. We re-wrote the stars because we are not supposed to end up together.

This guy will build me as many lifeboats as I need so we're all okay until life is the death of us :)

Sullivan (Snow/the Bride) out. If you've never watched those shows you won't get the reference. 

Weathered

"When I grow old I'll drink and smoke. Like I did when youth stayed."

That was our song. Until I got sick and couldn't really drink anymore. But I'm thinking it's still our song because when (not if) I make it to the part where I'm old, I get to do whatever I want. Shoulda been lights out for me a long time ago. Thanks to him, I'm still here.

I'm way too old to have a boyfriend so let's call him my man-friend. I had a sad day yesterday and I got sad enough to get a new tattoo. It wasn't spur of the moment, I'd thought it out over a year ago but those damn things hurt and I had another hurt I needed to feel less of. So it was the right time.

My arm tattoos are perfectly symmetrical and it always bothered me I only had the anchor on one leg. Like I was off balance. I'm a bit OCD. So I counted the cash in my wallet and figured I could make this work. I had a big picture for a little spot and knew part of it had to be Jay. I found an old card so they could duplicate his handwritting. I think that's pretty romantic.

Asians, right? I'm not racist I love them but they are so uncomfortable with feelings. So he comes home from work and looks at it. He walks away. I'm like, do you like it? He pauses, and then he's like, well its very permanent. No fuck, Sherlock. I'm almost done my MBA, I know what a tattoo is. 

Also, my darling man friend, I know I haven't really been on board. You always have been though. My pets are yours. They probably like you more than they like me. You've saved my life more than once. You call me when I'm in the hospital in the morning to ask what I want to eat that day because you know I'd starve before eating hospital food. I only need to look the right way at something I want and it shows up on my birthday or Christmas. You rub my back and hold my hand when I have panic attacks. You make my life better, my home better, make me laugh and dance in the living room to all our favorite songs. You make me write, which makes me a happier, better version of myself.

I seriously doubt that after all that, you'll ever leave me. If I've decided I'll never leave you either, I know it's scary but that tattoo isn't going away and neither am I. I'm sorry it took me way too long to know we're end-game. I will be loyal and prove it to you. When we're old and weathered this will still be our song. :)

Sullivan out.

Ps Lindsay was like where is Kat in that tattoo? She's dead Lindsay. We gotta move forward. Besides Charlie Rose is a witch kitten who will outlive all of us and probably cast spells if I make her mad.

Precious and Fragile Things

...need special handling.

Jay put this song on. He's like this is about you. "Angels with silver wings, shouldn't know suffering. I wish I could take it from you. Things things get damaged, things get broken."

He is right. All this being positive and looking forward not back is good advice. I work hard to practice that. One day at a time. My therapist (psychic actually but therapist sounds slightly less crazy) said that keeping everything on the inside and pretending things are fine to everyone is not the best way to approach life. And that my boyfriend is secretly dying on the inside by being the only one who really knows what's going on and how I'm doing. Taking all the responsibility for me.

I'm no angel and my wings wouldn't be gold or silver. Maybe I could beg, borrow and steal my way into bronze. :)

At the end of the day, he's probably the only one who actually really wants to know the truth. He sees both sides. The girl who can't let go of her past and the girl who is doing everything she can to build a future. The sensitive Pisces. The strong Sullivan.

Life can change so fast. From one day to another we never know the outcome. I am positive something has gotta give. Soon. For now though, Jay is right. I need special handling. I should probably be surrounded with bubble wrap. He did say I was precious though. :)

Me and Jay? We've got this.

Be kind to one another. 

Sullivan out.

Tired and Scared

Love can save us all? Thank you Blue Rodeo for making us believe in that.

They are right though. Love breaks you. Life breaks you. It breaks everyone. Then it puts you back together. And then many are strong in the broken places.

Been thinking about a friend who passed two years ago this week. He decided the fight wasn't worth it. And I don't judge him. We planned his funeral. We love him. Sometimes it feels like it's all too much and I think I'd rather take the easy way out. So if you feel that way, it's okay. Just find coping mechanisms that help you. Apparently, suicidal crises are usually temporary. You can believe anything you read on the internet right? :)

People get down and then they find a way to climb back up. Life is peaks and valleys. Either one offers a good view, doesn't it? Call a friend. Go outside. (I know the weather is shit here today so maybe not right now.)

George dropped a puppy on me a little bit before this happened. I was mad at him. I never would have picked out Max at a shelter. He's too big. Now every day I thank him for choosing me because this dog has changed my life. And reminds me to think of George and remember our lives are precious. Even when we're tired and scared. Still determined to see the world through rose colored glasses. :)

Rewrite the Stars

Yes, I have been on hiatus. It was an awful winter. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

But here I am. I've been feeling depressed again. It's recent. As in this week. I love how unpredictable it can be. You go through all this really hard shit and most people aren't  really there for you, yet you're fine. Then...once you finally start to feel a little bit better...WHAM! You're depressed again. I don't like talking about it. Not because I'm not a huge advocate for mental health, y'all know I am. I'm also me. I'm proud. To me it feels like a weakness to admit it.

I told my guy today I was struggling. He was like, I'm depressed too. I just looked at him. I'm pretty sure he was joking. I thought, I would be too if I had me for a girlfriend. He's like the guy who you wish all your other boyfriends had been but weren't and that's why you are still single.

"They" say depression is all in our head. Like they are superior. Like their heads are better, stronger places to be. My brother says that all the time but I think living in his head must be a fucking mess. :)

I think what works as healing for each of us is different but for me, I know I'm usually in that place because I feel like I'm not good enough. That idea was ingrained in me since I was able to talk. With the Witnesses you're never good enough. Never. No matter what.

Now, I feel like I should be able to snap my fingers and get over my past life. Today I had to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to not be okay.

They had 32 years of brainwashing on me. Somehow, I found the strength to walk away and not go back. That leaves me with about half my life to re-write the story and figure out who the hell I am, what I want to do and who I want to do it with.

The thing about Big Dreams, like starting over, is you have to do them for yourself. I couldn't have stayed for Travis, I couldn't have left for Adam. I had to do it for me. When I was ready. Alone.

We were at the beach with Max this afternoon and Jay looks at me and says you need to go. And I was like, I've been writing in my head. (He encourages this even though I'm always silently talking to myself.) Next he says, you'll call it rewrite the stars. How did he know that?

But we can. We can start over. We can rewrite. We can take the path we're on that makes us miserable and turn a corner. Pick up some strays and create your own new destiny.

It's never going to be perfect and from experience, not usually easy. Last night I cried and I was like what did I do this all for? I wrecked my life. Jay just said, "You wanted to be free. Now you are."

He's right. They gave more than enough time to rethink my decision to rewrite my life. I wouldn't change anything. And that's what I need to remind myself of on those odd sad Saturday mornings.

I am brave. I am free. This is who I was meant to be. This is me. 

Ps. Since we're talking about our journey being written in the stars, check out Kyla's new Zodiac Collection - buy a mala!!

Lost & Found

Christmas is a hard time of year for a lot of people. I would know. I tried to kill myself one Christmas. The next one, I took all my sharp knives to my girlfriends place and asked her to keep them for me until I felt better. Then I came home and lied on the floor and didn't get up for a couple of days. It was self preservation. 

If you are struggling, just know that it gets better. This is a picture of all the pictures on my fridge. It's happy. But it didn't happen overnight. It took a long, long time to build that collage. I was so lost for so long. These people saved me. My life still isn't perfect. I'm still figuring things out. However, there is so much love out there. We all deserve it. So if you're happy and healthy, do what you can this Christmas to help others. Volunteer at a shelter. Give a tooney to that homeless man on the corner that you usually ignore. Pay it forward. 

And if you're on the other side, please call 1-800-273-8255. Talk to someone. Make it back. I can't promise you anything, but I'm sure that if you do, you'll find your people. And what's lost will be found. It might be better than anything you lost in the first place. :)

Sullivan out. 

The Happiness Project

"If you want to be happy, be." - Tolstoy

After my most recent brush with death, I haven't spent very much time trying to figure life out. It's strange, I think a lot of times, people who go through that have these great epiphanies. "Oh now I know what I want, what was missing, where to channel my energy in life." Not me. And I used to be a great romantic. Maybe I've just almost died too many times. 

I walked out of the hospital, went home to bed and cursed the entire time I was in recovery. Not on the outside. When my family (who worries about me) calls, I'm "great". My girlfriend kept asking me "How do you stay so happy and positive? I'd be going mental." Truth be told, I kinda was. But I manned up. I was diligent about healthy food and taking my meds on time and going to all my doctor's appointments, even when there were four or five of them in a week. I worked so hard to get better, even when I wasn't sure that's what I wanted. I don't even write anymore. 

I've gradually re-introduced myself to real life and there's one thing I've noticed. People in general are just not happy. I was talking to a kid today (like a 20-something) and asked him why did he think our generation is so messed up? My friends are smart, successful, stable, good-looking. Why aren't they happy? He said he thought the world has always been like this, but now there's more awareness. More effort to break the stigmas around mental health and allow people to be honest and get the help they need. That's the answer you'd expect from someone young and optimistic. 

Y'all know I've been through a couple of bad depressions. This time though, I didn't go back there. Maybe I was just in survival mode. Maybe I've done such a good job on my positivity campaign that I've even fooled myself into thinking that I'm happy. 

I had lunch with my girlfriend today and she said: "But Margaux, you don't have any problems!" Okay buddy. I have news for you. I've had some bad years. Every year I think things will get better but they don't. 2016? Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I got very, very sick. I don't have a job. I dated two guys in the past year, really liked both of them. I hate online dating but I met them both in real life. Everything was great, until out of the blue they each dumped me for no reason they cared to share. If I don't find a job soon I'll probably have to pack up my dog and either be homeless or move back to the Maritimes. It's scary some days. 

I think the trap of the idea of "happiness" is just that we think we all deserve it. And we deserve to feel it ALL the time. Of course, if I could wave a wand and make everyone in the world happy, I would. But that's not the world we live in. Even if you get that job you really want, or the guy you want to marry, the kids, the financial stability, the health...every day it's still going to be up to you to get up and decide if you're happy or not. It's really not our circumstances, it's our mindset. I'm not trying to downplay depression and anxiety, I know all too well that they can be consuming. I still have old JW-life nightmares when I wake up scared and confused and I don't remember what happened to half my family, to my husband. After a few minutes it comes back and I realize this is my life now. I have to get out of bed regardless. 

If I had to go back, I'd make most of the same decisions all over again, with a few tweaks. Knowing you're doing your best and being true to yourself - that's a big part of the Happiness Project. We all need to work at it. But if you do it long enough, it doesn't really seem to be so much work. :)

Here's something that makes me happy: pink hair. If I wasn't afraid I might actually get called for an interview one of these days, I'd keep it. Find whatever it is that makes you happy. When things are good, smile all day. It won't make the bad days go away, but it will give you something to draw on to get you through to tomorrow. 

Sullivan out. 

Night Terrors

Sometimes I'm happy I'm getting sort of old. Not that I have it all figured out. I spent the weekend with my most precious girlfriend. She seems to have it all figured out. Handsome, kind, wonderful husband? Check. Lovely home? Check. Pursuing her passion in life? Check.

We were both raised in and then left the JWs. She did more of a swan dive while I was a belly flop. But we had very different experiences. I was older, I had to get divorced. I did the back and forth with them for a lot longer. We've always had each other though since I got out and for our entire lives before that except for a couple of brief hiccups.

I'm still trying to rid myself of the little hell I live in, despite the fact that I think my life is great. I'm happy every day. And grateful. My subconscious and my nightmares won't catch up though.

I'm off work and I was cleaning my flat and I realized I'm a hoarder. I have every letter, every card, every picture I've ever received. I've thrown out 7 bags of garbage today. Some of them, even though I don't talk to those people, even though I don't see them, I still can't get rid of them. Every year more and more go away but it's possible when I die, someone is going to have to throw out a box of letters from someone I used to know.

Maybe that's why I still dream about them. Maybe that's why apparently I have bad karma. Maybe my heart is just too big for this and I was in it too long. Lately, my heart is expanding and letting new people in. I hope they will take over those old vacant spots.

Someone come and save my life :) Sorry it's all City and Colour songs tonight. :) 

"There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me. From my haunted past comes the daunting task of living with memories." ~ City and Colour

Sullivan out.

Bird by Bird

I know what you're going to say and you're right. I haven't written anything lately. I think I have writer's block. So instead I've spent countless hours coloring this picture for you and reading this book on writing. But my ADD must have set in and I doubt I'll finish either of them anytime soon, so it is what it is and "you're welcome"!

Y'all should actually just be happy that the entire bird isn't black. That was an option. I don't really feel like that anymore. For people who struggle with depression and anxiety the darkness comes and goes. For me, it's still here sometimes, it might never go away. But with more and more of us being open, building a community where we feel comfortable talking about our struggle and then also celebrating our successes, together we are making progress.

Don't doubt that and don't feel like you're alone. What I've learned is that sometimes we're in the light. We use those times to shine it on others who might need a little help. When we're in the darkness and they are in the light, they'll return the favour.

Yes, that coffee mug does say " Write like a Motherfucker" in the shape of a heart. It was a gift from someone I dearly love. Another friend bought me the coloring book. My friends get me.

And I would totally recommend the book: Bird by bird written by Anne Lamott if you're looking for some writing tips.

Also, if anyone wants to buy me a pencil sharpener that would be awesome. I don't even know where to get one. It's 2016. Do people still have pencil sharpeners? :)

Have yourself an awesome day. And be kind. Everyone you know is fighting their own battle.

Sullivan out.

Being Brave

Re-post! I thought this was relevant considering the fact that I am going to attempt to stay up all night on Friday for CAMH's One Brave Night event. Y'all know I have to work all week and then try to stay awake all night. We're raising money to support the organization that supports those living with mental health issues. A lot of brave people have dealt with depression and we can get better if we do the hard work to get there. But we need a little help along the way. :)

There's still time to donate - this is the link! Click click! Ps. If you do donate please buy me a sleep pass. For $20 I can sleep for an hour. :)

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. 
- E. M. Forster

Courage is a quality that is difficult to develop, because it forces you to look in the mirror and realize who you are and then have the balls to go out there and be better than that.

I know many courageous people. And being brave doesn't mean we always succeed. (Game of Thrones taught us all that fact.) Sometimes it just means we take on a task, not knowing if we'll be good at it or not. Not knowing the outcome. Maybe we even think we will fail. But we show up and try.

This happens in careers, in families, in relationships, in finding peace of mind, in overcoming addictions, in ending a relationship that's not working and being alone again, in confronting an important ex, in applying for a job you know you won't get, in pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and meeting someone new, in telling your family the truth about who you are, in telling someone you love them when you aren't sure they will say it back. In being true to yourself.

But we find courage and bravery in that part of ourselves that we didn't know we had and do it anyway.

If we were never brave, no one would make friends, become lovers, get married, have children, follow their dreams, because we could fail. Sometimes it's our mistakes that shape our future and, in the end, make us successful.

And hey, at the end of the day, if our attempt at being courageous doesn't work, we have a friend who will give us a hug, a dog who will sleep at our feet, and maybe even a glass of wine to sip as we look out the window of our fabulous but very expensive downtown apartment and think about how to wake up tomorrow and try to be brave all over again.

Sullivan out.

Where the Light Is

"Gravity has taken better men than me. Just keep me where the light is." - John Mayer

One of my friends has been going through a hard time. I tried my best to help. A lot of us did. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. He decided to take his own life.

I got the phone call at work. My first reaction was NO. It can't be true. My second reaction was just to start crying. Which I did all night, this morning and that's not over yet.

The whole reason I had decided to be so open on this blog was to raise awareness. Most of my life has been completely embarrassing. And putting it out there definitely does not benefit me in any way. But if I could help anyone - ex-JW, someone living with mental health issues - that's what I wanted to do.

Bell does a "Let's Talk" day every year to raise awareness for mental health issues. This is not a one day a year issue. It's great that they do that. And it's great that a lot of you out there support the charities that support these people. My people.

If you really want to help though, it takes more than writing a check. Or showing up at a fundraiser. It takes all of us to educate ourselves, to be alert to the warning signs, to make those one on one connections with the ones who suffer. Listen, be there for them, help them get the help they need.

This old school mentality has got to go and make room for awareness and acceptance. Some of the comments I've received in the past day just reinforced that for me. "He was so selfish." "Was he on drugs?"

I realize that drug and alcohol abuse can be factors in the equation sometimes, but not always. Sometimes people just get dealt a bad hand in life and they get very sad.

As far as the selfish comments go, yes, maybe it is selfish, but try looking at it from the other perspective. I've been through it. I've tried to kill myself. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I didn't send out angry messages or write a letter blaming anyone. Sometimes, we are pushed beyond our capacity for pain. When that happens, we can end up in a place where we never wanted to go. A dark place. Where there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Where the hurt is so bad, all we want is for it to stop. Where as much as we genuinely love the people in our life, we don't care anymore that they will cry tomorrow. It just needs to be over. For us.

I've been so lucky. The second time I became suicidal, I didn't just take four bottles of pills and go to bed. I asked for help and I had a network that rallied around me. A workplace that supported me. Aunts and Uncles to go home to, who took care of me until I was no longer a threat to myself. A $200/hour therapist who first cut his fees in half and then just treated me for free.

Not everyone is that lucky. Although my friend had loving friends, he obviously didn't have the support he needed. Over the past couple of weeks, he kept telling me how much he valued our friendship. He wasn't angry, he was just sad. He kept telling me how much he looked up to me, how strong he thought I was for getting through my challenges in life. How proud he was of me.

I've been where he was and I still misread the signs. I thought he was saying those things because I was inspiring him to get better. Now, I think it was because he didn't feel like he would ever get there.

All I'm asking of all of you out there is please, please be alert. 1 in 4 Canadians have suffered or are suffering from depression. Watch for the signs. Be patient and kind. Pick up the phone when they call even if you're rolling your eyes and thinking you don't want to listen to this story again. You just might save a life.

He called me on Wednesday. I was volunteering at a charity event all day. I didn't pick up, I thought, I'll just call him back later. Later was too late.

We all struggle with the back and forth between the light and the darkness. When you're in the light, shine it on others. That way, when you're in the dark, there will be someone around to show you the way back out.

Sullivan out.

She Will Be Loved

"Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved." - Maroon 5

One of my girlfriends wanted to see a specific picture from my past life. She wanted to know what my ex-husbands new wife/my ex-friend looks like. I have about 20 photo albums. In my past life I was the one who took all the pictures. The rest of the group probably wishes they had asked for copies. Or maybe they don't since they just want to forget I exist.

My apartment is a mess because I dragged all the boxes out of my closet and there are photo albums I never look at all over the place.

Some people think I should burn them. But I was flipping through them looking for a picture of her (I know I have one) and I realized something. I wasn't crying this time.

All four of my therapists have told me that I got stuck in the sad stage of grief and I had to go through the angry stage to move on to acceptance. I messed up the order because anger is supposed to come before depression. I've had my moments but I don't really stay angry. I came back to Toronto and I was ANGRY. You know how the JWs have those rolling bookcarts on the streets now? They are everywhere in my neighbourhood. I used to hide when I saw one. But after my three month time-out down east, I came back and started yelling at them on the street. I probably seemed crazy. I just don't want them ruining anyone else's life. Plus they don't even have a license to be on the street so I'm pretty sure this kind of harassment is illegal.

My girlfriend's family is in town and so we went out for dinner last night with them and her dad. She has a sister. At one point she said "Did you know my dad calls you daughter #3 when he talks about you?" I looked at him and asked if it was true. He said yes. I guess not all Irish guys are bad for me.

And he's dad #3 to me. My favorite ex's parents and kid adopted me four years ago. His dad signs all his messages to me as "D" because he knows I have a dad and doesn't want to get in his way. He wants me to know though that he's always there for me.

I'm somewhat of a religious mutt. Technically, on paper, I'm a Jehovah's Witness. My therapist said I'm a very bad one and my friends laugh about it, but that's just the way it is. When I was looking through those pictures, I knew I will never burn them. I'll put them back in the boxes. It was such a big part of my life - the first half. Lots of smiles and hugs and beautiful people who I still love. I've said it over and over, it's not the people I blame, it's those billionaires in Brooklyn who control everyone's thoughts, cover up child abuse and tear families and friends apart with their cultish rules.

I relate to the Buddhist philosophies. Those are the books I read now. I wear a Celtic cross around my neck and go to Catholic mass on Christmas Eve every year. I've started praying again. I don't know who I'm praying to, but I'm starting to feel at peace with the chaos of this life. And I'm smiling. :)

I guess I just want to encourage you that if you're in an unhappy situation - abuse, cult, bad marriage, a cheater who lies to you...whatever it is...you can leave. I won't lie. It's years of blood, sweat and tears. It won't be easy. The Jehovah's Witnesses like to quote a passage from the bible that says if you leave your life behind and join them you will find "mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers" to replace the ones you've lost to go be in their crazy environment.

I have that again - here on the outside - although it's taken time. Out east, my family who took care of me when I needed it have proved they would do anything for me. In Toronto, I've got moms, dads, lots of brothers and sisters again and the best ex-boyfriends a girl could ask for.

I am very loved. The sadness and anger will come back sometimes in waves, I know that. But the big steps are over and the nightmares are less frequent. I'm starting to feel strong again and the JWs are not going to like that because I will keep writing. :)

Sullivan out.

Happiness Is...

So this week is Mental Health Week in Canada. I've been struggling with what to say. It seems that this week everyone is talking about Mental Health. Writers, actors, comedians, news anchors...the list goes on. We had an event at my workplace where a panel of brave people got up in front of a crowd and told their stories about dealing with anxiety and depression. 

And everyone gets on the bandwagon. I guess the most important thing I'd like to say is I feel it's so critical to keep the momentum going. Keep the conversation alive. Keep up the the caring and support that you've all been showing during this week. There's still a huge stigma that needs to be ended. 

Even if you're not one of the one in four people that will experience this personally during your lifetime, we all know that "happiness" can be a trap. We may feel that we all deserve to be happy all the time. And we probably do. But that's just not realistic in the world we live in. Whether you do presently or have suffered from depression in the past yourself, none of us are always happy. 

Mental health issues though go deeper than the occasional let down, disappointment or bad day. It's the same as any physical health challenges that someone may face. There might be good days and bad days. You might go into "remission" and be fine for weeks or months or years. And then it comes back. It might be something a person fights every single day. 

Some people do well with therapy. Medication may work for someone else. Perhaps a combination of both is useful for others. There's no "one" solution we can push on someone to "fix" them. Like a physical ailment or limitation, this may be a health issue that a person must care for on an ongoing basis for the rest of their life. 

It doesn't mean we can't be good friends, great co-workers, supportive family members. Never assume it's because we aren't trying either. Some of the bravest, funniest people I've met who've shared their stories are working extremely hard to find calmness and contentment in their lives. 

One of the biggest contributing factors to living with a mental health condition and finding your "happiness" is having a supportive network. So if you know someone living with this, just remember that. If you are living with mental health issues, accept the support. :)

I have been more than blessed, especially recently, with a network of family, work and friends who have made the past little while so much easier and happier for me. 

If you want to read a writer who is not only brutally honest about her battle but hilariously funny try Jenny Lawson: http://thebloggess.com/. Her latest book is entitled: Furiously Happy: A funny book about horrible things. She can make you happy even if you're crying.

And it never hurts to hug a puppy. :)

Sullivan out. 

How to Save a Life

It's actually pretty simple: 

1) Show up
2) Don't be an asshole

With Mental Health Week coming up I think there are a few things we all should know. 

- Half of the people dealing with mental health issues will never tell anyone about it. 
- One in four people in Canada will go through this at some point in their lives. 
- Depression is a real disease. Those of you who think you can just "be happy" are wrong.

From my experience, it's complicated. I've tried everything from therapy (I have two therapists) to meditation, to mindfulness training, to medication, to psychics. I've read a million books, dabbled in Buddhism, bought a mala that's supposed to be healing, done yoga more times than I can count. 

It's a lot of work on top of real life and real work. Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong. Sometimes I blame my upbringing. Sometimes I try to forgive myself for being not as strong as I want to be. 

Those of us who are suffering and trying to get better though, try to understand us. Just because I've been struggling lately has absolutely no link to self-pity or feeling ungrateful. Each and every turn my life takes, there's someone there who shows up. Friends, ex-boyfriends, family. I love and appreciate those people more than I can express in words. 

I have an aunt and uncle who would be the most perfectly imperfect set of parents. And I think that's the beauty in unconditional love. Now that we're all adults we know what each of us have been through. And I feel accepted and loved and I know I look up to them for getting through what they've been through. We do the best with what we have, but without the proofs of love, how we would know that we're actually loved? Love is an action. 

If someone you loved had cancer, you'd show up at the hospital, you'd bring them flowers. You might not understand depression and anxiety, but you can try. :)

And that's how you save people's lives. Suicide is the second most common cause of death amoung young people in Canada. Stop the stigma. Start talking. 

Through the Looking-Glass

Alright. It's been a month. I'm ready to talk about the wedding. 

From the pictures I've seen, my sister looked beautiful. When she came over to drop off my invitation, I said "Are you sure?" I know how I'm perceived by the Jehovah's Witnesses. Apostasy is the worst sin you could ever commit. Speaking out against the organization is not only grounds for disfellowshipping, it's everlasting death. Spoiler alert: we're all heading for everlasting death. So let's make the most of the life we have now. :)

She responded: "Of course. You're my sister and you're not disfellowshipped. Of course I want you there."

Erin and I have a lot of history. Our family has been pretty messed up from the start. My father has his own issues, then my mother decided to join a cult. He remarried and oddly enough, the only person I have a relationship with now is Helena. They aren't mom and dad anymore though, they are just John and Linda. 

Any time things hit a rough patch, Erin would come live with me. Once we had nowhere to put her but the storage closet. We accidentally closed the door with the Cat in there and she peed all over the bed. Good times. :)

I've been trying to cover this up the best way I could, but I'm on a network at my job that works on health and mental health issues. I was writing an article for them this week on Purple Day which is next week to raise awareness for Epilepsy. 

I started to feel ashamed. I spend all this energy trying to be an advocate. To break down stigmas, raise awareness, help people dealing with difficult situations to feel less alone. And here I am, at home feeling terrible about the fact that for the second time in five years, I'm depressed. 

The first time, when I was disfellowshipped, I thought there was a coming back from it. I got myself reinstated with the JWs, I tried to find a way back to my family. Was I angry with them for shunning me? Oh yeah. Did I trust them? Not at all. Until Erin and I were wedding dress shopping. Facetiming with Linda while she tried on different outfits to wear. Until it seemed that my position back in the family was secure. Then I made the worst mistake. 

I'm a hopeless romantic, and I decided to trust again. Something I haven't done in five, no almost 6 now, years. I bought a really pretty dress. I took Erin to my therapist with me and listened to her talk through all her fears about the wedding and how she thought every single member of our immediate family would get drunk and embarrass her. 

Yet, I was the only one uninvited at the last minute. Apparently I make the JWs nervous. This time is worse than the first time. You can only understand it if you've been through it. I tried to check myself into the hospital so I wouldn't hurt myself this time. They wouldn't take me, after about 7 hours they sent me home with a pamphlet on feeling sad and some 1-800 numbers to call. 

Why is it worse than the first time? Because I know now that this time has to be the last time. I've suffered some pretty severe repercussions of this most recent spiral into depression. Breaking up with your family is the worst break-up ever. 

I thought again about going back to them. I watched a video on their website from one of their leaders. He seems absolutely insane so no, I've walked through the looking glass, fell down the rabbit hole and there's no going back. 

I wish there was a switch you could flick because out here, I have mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers who truly love me unconditionally. I have a great job, a lovely apartment, wonderful friends. Anything a girl could ask for. But your family always has that hold over you, the one you wish didn't exist. 

The good thing about getting through depression once, is that you know the "depression lies" slogan is true. If we could tell the truth, there's really only a few people who have rejected me. Compared to a ton of people who care and make my life better every single day. I know I wax poetic on here but seriously - I am very grateful and as soon as I get over my most recent break-up, I'll be just fine. The other side of the looking glass is strange but it's where I'm supposed to be. 

Sullivan out. 

Love in a Hopeless Place

"I saw you screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over and it's gone you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good." - Rihanna

My ex-boyfriend, Steve, probably was one of the only guys on here to have a real name. No "Vienna", " The American", "Irish". He was just Steve. He had a lot of opinions on everything. He told me that I could do better with this blog. He said: "you could just tell the truth". 

The truth I want to tell myself is always to put the positive spin on everything. It actually helps with someone who suffers from depression. Writing it down, saying everything is actually okay, makes you feel better. 

This week though, things haven't been better and I'll tell the truth. I tried to check myself into the hospital yesterday because I feel like I'm right back where I was a few years ago. That sucks, right? All that progress, all that healing, all that work. You will never win though with the Jehovah's Witnesses. They will come out of the shadows and sucker punch you when you are least expecting it. Your mom and sister will never choose you over them. And you will go through the same little hell you were in years ago anytime they cut you off again. 

Do I know I have an army of other people behind me? Yes. Does it make their actions hurt less? No. 

Spencer came to the hospital with me. 

The doctors: Does she sleep?

Spencer: No, she doesn't. 

They decided not to keep me and sent me home with a paper on feeling sad and some 1-800 numbers to call if I needed help. 

At least this time though I tried to do something. Last time I took three bottles of pills and went to bed, hoping not to wake up. 

I think the hardest part about this time is for the last five years, I held out hope that I could leave the Witnesses and still get my family back. I worked at it, I was honest with them - about this blog, about the article I did for that magazine. And everything seemed to be fine. 

Now I know I can't go back. I can't risk my career, my friendships, my life, for people who will never love me for who I am. I am NOT a Jehovah's Witness. 

Sullivan out. 

The Gift of Imperfection

My "Big Love" made a lot of promises to me after my life blew up. He used to say we'd get a house on the beach - at one point he was looking at private islands for sale because hell, we didn't need anyone else but us. We'd buy those kitchen counters that were actually just cutting boards because we loved to cook together. He said we would adopt a puppy who was "as perfectly imperfect as we were". Had I known I couldn't trust him I probably would have made different choices. Or would I have? Probably not, I was too in love. Would those different choices have been the right ones either? There's no way of knowing. 

The mistakes I've made along the way have been my mistakes. It was actually pretty liberating to finally be allowed to make mistakes, for the first time in my life having no one to tell me what to do. It was scary, exhausting, stressful. Most of the time I went with my gut. 

As a Jehovah's Witness there are no choices, no freedom, no independent thought. The constant stress of striving to achieve perfection will wear you down, eventually. My good friend and previous mentor, Stuart always said "Perfection is the enemy of the good". Good was never good enough for me in the past, but it is now. 

I think that's why I fell in love with Big, so hard, so fast. In my JW life I always had to be better, work harder, sacrifice more. With him, I was perfectly imperfect and felt completely loved regardless of that. I'd never felt that before - it was the greatest feeling in the world. 

As you know, I got sucker punched by a bout of depression two weeks ago due to yet another family shunning drama episode. If you've ever dealt with depression you know how quickly and strongly it can walk in your door and beat you down again, even if you've been doing great. But now I have a really good bounce back time. I have the tools, the support and the love to as Taylor Swift would say "Shake it off". (Y'all know I love Taylor) :)

Family can be both a blessing and a curse. We know too much about each other, we expect too much from each other, sometimes we try too hard to control each other. 

Some of my family though has always supported my vision of where I wanted to go now, even when I didn't know where that was. They have unselfishly been there for me through thick and thin. Celebrated my accomplishments, held my hand when I cried. Without my aunts, uncles and Grandma down here in Nova Scotia, would I have weathered all these storms over the past five years? 

Maybe. But I wouldn't have come out of each of them feeling stronger, more sure of the decisions I've made, more determined to be more like them. Most importantly, they love imperfect Margaux and do everything they can - not to fix me - not to make me into who they want me to be. But to guide me. To listen to me. To distract me with cute animals, delicious meals and lovely wine. 

Someone asked me on my last blog "where is home?". Home is here with them. Home is in Toronto. Without this home to come to though, the other home wouldn't feel quite so important.

Don't get me wrong, they're not perfect either. NONE OF US ARE!! Imperfection, I truly believe is a gift. It gives us targets, something to aim for, a feeling of accomplishment when we hit them. Kindness, compassion and being committed to always do your best, to help those in need where you can, to show people dignity and respect no matter how far they may have fallen and what mistakes they have made? That is unconditional love. That's the target. 

Within (I want to say minutes but it was probably days) I was coming home - all arrangements made for me by my favorite uncle. And it was the right thing for me. To just say yes, I'll come, pack a suitcase and get the hell out of my most recent personal nightmare. Come home and light some fires, dig out some snowstorms, spend time with the people I need the most right now. 

The thing about nightmares is...we wake up. Then we see the world and the people in it for all the beauty they add to the Universe. I feel very, very grateful, very, very happy. I'm ready to go home (the other home) on Friday and slip back into the extremely happy, successful place I was in not so long ago.  

Thank you a million times to these people who have always been loyal, always been loving and always had my back. It still feels like home to me here and it always will. 

PS - Big: I finally have that perfectly, imperfect puppy. You would have liked him. :)

Sullivan out. 

*Grandma and me*