Far from the Shallows

I'm in the deep end.

And I think, a holding pattern for now. My boyfriend likes to say nothing is ever enough for me. Not what I put on him or others, just what I do to myself. I think I like being in my 40s. One of my co-workers was talking about his wife doing an PhD and how some people just "do it on a whim". That's totally what I did with the MBA. I read a news article online about how Jehovah Witness children are the least educated out of all the cults. I was turning 40 and I thought, let's see about that. Not that an MBA is a big deal anymore, everyone seems to have one. All those millennials with trust funds and rich parents, they are kids who never want to actually work. But the MBA is a process that proves you can show up consistently and do a big job.

After all those years working corporate in a suit I got a chance at a job where we wear jeans and leave at 5 and can bring our dogs to the office and get 5 weeks vacation. Hello, Universe? I believe in you. You had my back all along. I went to church today, I don't think the two can't be intertwined.

Let me preface this by saying I'm not a church girl anymore. I'm poly-amorous when it comes to religion. Like hey, all the white people are doing yoga in temples and all the Asians are at my catholic church. There is NO EASY ANSWER. Maybe there's no answer at all. Except we try to be good people. We surround ourselves by positive energy and love. We work hard. We keep our head above water, even in the deep end.

I went early for confession. I went on my knees ."Forgive me Father for I have sinned." I was baptized Catholic so he kinda owes me one. He said what have you done? I said I've lost my faith. It threw me off center and I hurt people in the process that I didn't mean to hurt.

Now were we in JW territory? I would have been interrogated to death with embarrassing details. Then publicly shamed and shunned. I got one say "Our Father" and forgiven. Go in peace.

He said it's been what, 10 years? That's when I started to wonder if the whole Universe is not more connected than we think it is. Yes, exactly ten years. Then he quoted me Psalms the first. The same one the priest leading the service read first. Totally weird yes, but what I took away from that is someone, I don't know who, is watching over me. We were in bed last night and my guy is like, I think you'll outlive me. Absolutely not darling, I keep almost dying. Him: Yes, but you never do... you're unbreakable. (now I think he's scared of me).

Jay is wrong. This, what I have now, is enough for me. I don't think I've ever been this happy. I don't expect to swim back to the shallows. It's easy and safe, I picked the other, scarier, harder choice and it hasn't let me down. Worth it.

Sullivan out.