The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

My Therapist Says...

So like every Friday afternoon, last week I walked into the doctor's office. 

I picked him on purpose. He's a spiritual teacher, he's studied Buddhism, he's very Zen.

I told him about the nightmares. Just like the week before. The week before he told me I should just ask those people to leave when they showed up. Didn't work, I couldn't do it.  

This week was completely different. And a little surprising. 

Him: Have you thought about getting a sword? 

Me: No. 

Him: It might help. Have you ever taken self defense classes?

Me: I took boxing for awhile. 

I went through a rough time. Boxing helped. I remember one night, when the X and I were still friends, he texted me before my class and just said: "Punch something. Hard." He and my brother are probably the only people who will ever know how hellish life was back then. 

Or maybe my therapist gets it too. I've been on the internet for the past few days looking up boxing gloves and how does one even buy a sword in Canada? 

Maybe we can fuse the zen, the spirituality, the striving for inner peace with our innate need to feel like we can protect ourselves from harm, from evil, from injustice. 

I'll figure it out. In the meantime, I'll still go to yoga, but I found a boxing gym close by. My gloves will be pink. And if you know anyone who sells swords, let me know. :)

Sullivan out.

In Repair

I was pretty happy coming home from work today. Monday and Tuesday - always rough. I write a lot of to-do lists and by Wednesday afternoon I've finally crossed a lot of things off and it all starts to seem more achievable and then I begin to calm down.

I wish I could just convince my brain that by Wednesday afternoon it would all feel better. My subconscious seems to hate me though. I'm not sure if you can relate but for all the positive reinforcement, the meditation, the trying to think happy thoughts, I can't control what happens a third of the day, when I'm sleeping. 

All I do lately is have dream after dream so it feels like, in some ways, I'm working 24/7. Not at "work work" but just work in general. When I'm sleeping it's real life stuff, usually past life stuff. People I haven't thought about in ages just barge right in and sit down in my living room and refuse to leave. Apparently I've started talking in my sleep. My roomate tried to wake me up the other night and I just yelled at him to get away from me. But I was still dreaming and the person I was yelling at wasn't him at all. 

My therapist (yes here we go again) has been lovely. He's treating me for free and I can't really figure out why, except maybe I'm a fascinating case study. I asked him last week if he thought all this effort and time that both of us have been putting into our time together was worth it. Not to mention the lost work time for both of us. 

Me: Can you fix me?

Him: (sighs) No. 

He went on to explain that he can help, no doubt. And if I keep working hard like I have been, it will continue to improve. But it can't be fixed. Too much trauma to completely recover from. 

I asked a friend of mine the other day who has been through a lot if he ever has rage nightmares against the people who hurt him. I think I've worked hard to get past any anger and resentment about the past. But when I sleep, it comes out. It's buried somewhere in there. He said no, not any more. Now he just dreams about the happy times. 

I honestly don't think I would pick that over this. The dreams are so real, so vivid. I see their faces and hear their voices as if they were right here in front of me now. If I woke up thinking I was back there in the happy times, I might be too sad to get out of bed. 

So for now, I'm in repair. I'll take the panic attacks, the insomnia, the talking in my sleep. And be grateful that when I do wake up, the family, friends and support I have pretend not to notice the circles under my eyes, the fidgeting, all the nervous habits I've picked up. If I have to be in repair mode, I do have the best support system I could wish for. 

I know worrying is a exercise in futility. That's why I try not to do it. I hope someday my subconscious catches up and tries to be as happy as I do. :)

Whatever the question, Love is the answer

It's been a rough week. Maybe it's because today is not only Friday the 13th but also a full moon. That doesn't happen very often. The next time it does, we'll all be very old.

I have to say, I really appreciate your comments on this blog, on the Canadian Living article online and on reddit.com. I know not all of you feel ready to be anything other than "anonymous" and that's ok.  I am so grateful for your support. When I started speaking out about my past, my experiences, and against the Watchtower organization, no one was really listening. Today it's a different story.  And now, y'all are speaking out too. 

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, it's the organization that I'm against, not the people. Some ex-jws have been very vocally angry at me for not disassociating myself, not cutting off my mother and sister. What can I say? I love the people despite everything that's happened. I don't see any benefit in giving in to anger and hate. Does that mean I don't think we should ever feel angry about what happened to us? Of course not. Who would choose to be raised in a controlling, brainwashing cult? None of us. But that was our experience and let's admit it - we had some really good times there. 

I'm not downplaying the emotional trauma that we've been through and are still going through. A lot of us have post traumatic stress. I finally, after the worst panic attack of my life, went to my therapist yesterday and told him to just put me on medication. I've always felt a stigma around this (and actually around therapists in general) but I've come to the point in life where I realize I need help. And today I feel much better. :)

I want to continue to focus on the positive. I have happy memories of a lot of old friends that I will always cherish. I want to stay a part of my family. Holding on to anger and resentment only hurts us, not the people we're sending it to. We can speak out, we can be activists without being hateful. Love is the answer and love will set us free. :)

Sullivan out. 

Generation F

"Some people never go crazy. What horrible lives they must live." - Charles Bukowski

Here we are, three weeks to the day, and it's over with The Guy. I'm actually not that disappointed that I never even got around to giving him a cool nickname. I didn't really have long enough to pick one out. 

Three weeks seems to be my breaking point these days. I've had some great three week "relationships". It usually ends with me pointing out it won't work, them saying, Yah, I think you're beautiful/talented/smart but I'm not really in the right place right now, and me being like, yes dear, I know, that's why I'm breaking this off now. 

I knew this was happening yesterday, which is why I signed up for the 30 day yoga challenge at my studio. Well, I had a hell of a class yesterday morning and I've already given up and decided to stay home to watch Game of Thrones tonight instead - on Day 2. Yay me for sticking with things. But that episode was awesome. And that yoga commitment was money was well spent. 

I can't help but think our generation is a little bit fucked up. Thus, "Generation F". Our grandparents lived through the war. Our parents grew up working really hard but being completely out of tune with their feelings. Then, came us. Life was different once we came around, but there were still so many stigmas. Going to therapy was a stigma. We couldn't be open about child abuse. If we were gay we kept it a secret. 

We don't really relate to the next generation after us, the ones who are just 10 or 15 years younger. They feel so entitled. We don't. We don't know what it was like to have the war era affect us, but we don't know what it was like to grow up having a cell phone and a FaceBook account when you were a teenager.

We're not settling down as early or having as many kids, some of us aren't having kids at all. We're learning, slowly slowly the things we didn't learn growing up: how to talk about our feelings, how to take time for ourselves, how to create work/life balance. We're figuring out how to break out of the mold our parents created for us, while still being responsible adults.  

A lot of us are deciding to follow our dreams, even if that's not the safest path. When we do that, we have so much more risk and uncertainty, but also so much more personal growth and fulfillment. At least we know exactly what we want and we're trying to find it. We don't stay in relationships that don't work. We don't stay friends with people who are toxic. We leave jobs that suck the life out of us. 

Maybe we're not "Generation Fucked". Maybe we're "Generation Fabulous". :)

Atlas

Looks heavy right? I imagine it sucks being a Greek God carrying the world on your shoulders. And not even having a pair of pants. :)

I've had a difficult week. The panic hit on Wednesday. And it hasn't gone away. Four days in I finally decide to take an Ativan. I let it go too long this time though and it's not even working. 

I saw my therapist yesterday. I was cranky. Not only have I been having constant panic attacks, I haven't been sleeping. I was late for work because I was throwing up at home, a delightful by-product of the most awful panic attacks, had a lunch meeting and then had to leave early to make this appointment. 

Him: You're pissed you have to be here. 

Me: I have work to do. 

Him: What's wrong Margaux?

Truth is, nothing's wrong. Work is great. I'm actually taking on some new projects and responsibilities that I'm excited about, working more closely in Communications which I'm passionate about. I'm dating a nice guy. My secret life friend is back in town and that just makes my little group of friends that much more special. 

Him: I'm not sure if it's a good idea for you to work more. And why can't you just take a pill?  And...what's wrong?

Hmmmm. I hate taking pills - it makes me feel like I'm not strong enough to handle this stuff on my own. Sullivan's are renowned for their pride issues. 

What's wrong? Well there has been some worry this past couple of months about my siblings and what each of them have been going through. I'm trying to help. 

Him: Why does it have to be you who does that?

Seriously? Mom off in Panama, Dad in PEI and even if they were in town, this would still be my responsibility. I feel like it always has been. I love my parents, but mom wasn't very um...maternal. Dad wasn't really around. And since we've been in Toronto I just feel like my siblings have always felt that I'm where they go for "home". 

Problem is, that's where the line ends. 

Also, I'm doing this big event at work where I tell my story to raise awareness for Mental Health week. 

Him: You don't have to do that either. 

He doesn't understand. I do. That's why I write this blog. That's why I did an interview with a big magazine. I need to help people. Especially people like me. 

Him: I'll tell you something that someone told me once when I was in therapy. I wanted to be a therapist and they said that I would be no good to anyone else if I didn't take care of myself first. 

It feels selfish right? But it makes sense. That's why if the plane is going to crash you're supposed to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else get theirs on. If you're passed out, you can't help them. 

I don't know where the constant pressure has always come from to take care of everyone else around me. Probably started with the family, got worse the longer I stayed JW. I just know it's always been there and if I try to ignore it, if I try to say no, it yells at me, loudly, until I listen to it. 

Him: Who takes care of you? Where do you go to feel safe?

There is no answer to that question. All I know is I've tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands. What I really want to focus on now is my career, my writing, my personal peace of mind. And I can't do that with all the panic, the insomnia, the anxiety. 

I guess I'll have to make some hard choices. In the meantime, I'll go to yoga.