It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business. 

Mother's Day 2017

I’ve always kept a diary. Well, until I started writing a blog. As long as I can write, get it out, I’m good.

I love my mother, I always will. We are so different though and we never really connected. I’m too much like my dad. I don’t think like her, I don’t look like her. I’m all Sullivan. She makes me miserable and I don’t understand fully what I did to deserve all that hate. When I left the cult, I put a nail in the coffin of that relationship.

Fortunately for me, I had a back up. When my dad remarried, I wasn’t happy about it. I was a kid who wanted her parents together. I went through my old journals and at somewhere around 8 years old I wrote “ Today Dad is marrying Helena. I guess I just want him to be happy.” Pretty deep for an 8 year old, I think. :)

And she has made him happy. For decades now. She is the loving and supportive wife my dad never had with my mom. She makes me happy too. Helena, who is now Mom to me, fits into the family like she was always there.  And she has been there way longer than she wasn’t.

She gave all of us a gift in Matthew, the only sibling I have who still talks to me. He’s become a wonderful man and I love him dearly.

Mom and I, we’re both aspiring writers. I’m more serious when I write, she puts fun into everything. She loves to make people laugh and she takes the darkest situations and turns them into something we can cry laughing about. That’s a talent I wish I had!

She’s my support, my friend and the mother I never had. She can anticipate what I want before I want it and she ALWAYS puts everyone else before herself. She’s a dedicated, caring daughter, a loving and loyal wife, a mother who fiercely protects her children as much as is possible. She’s the most fun grandma I know. (Except you Grandma - I think you're the most awesome Grandma to me.) Helena's not my grandma she's my mom so a little disclaimer there!

She's definitely beautiful inside and out. A blessing to our family in every way. And her spaghetti isn’t bad either : )

I love you mom. I’m grateful that I can talk to you about books, about writing, about boys, about work,  about pretty much everything I need to talk about. I’m grateful that you put up with me. I’m grateful you drag me to church once or twice a year.  I’m grateful that you never give up on any of us. I’m grateful for the joy you bring to our lives. I’m grateful for you. Happy Mother's Day. 

Sullivan out.

Mother's Day 2016

I have a couple of girlfriends who have lost their mothers. This morning they were like, stay off FaceBook today. All those posts of everyone's pictures of them happy with mom. Talking about how much love is in that relationship.

I love my mum. Sure, she raised me in a crazy cult. But she tried her best. Linda didn't have the greatest life. I'm sure it wasn't easy being a single mom. She used to sew us homemade dresses because we didn't have a lot of money. But we looked fancy. :)

I think I turned out mostly Sullivan. But there are some things I have that are Linda. She is a great vintage shopper. We eat organic and mostly vegetarian. She has a great laugh. I have the same hands as her. We are in love with flowers. I am honestly starting to forget her. It's been seven years of my back and forth with the JWs and apparently time does cure everything.

She visits a lot when I'm asleep. I'm not sure whether to say they are dreams or nightmares. But she always says the same thing. That she hates me for the choices I've made in life.

My choices in life have not fulfilled the expectations of either of my parents. I'd like to think though that if I had been lucky enough to have kids, I would have loved them no matter what. And maybe my job now is just to be the kind of friend so many other people have been to me: my stepmom, my aunts, my grandma. I have a lot of totally awesome moms.

Happy Mother's Day Linda. I'm not comparing myself to what my girlfriends have gone through but losing your mom while you're both still alive over some stupid religion? It hurts. Despite that, I love you. :)

Mother's Day

I know a lot of people feel this is just a Hallmark holiday, but I like any excuse show love and make people feel special, whether or not Hallmark makes a few bucks on my account. 

Looking over the FaceBook feed and Instagram today, with the eclectic group of people I'm now connected too, there are two distinct groups who are posting. The first group are the lucky ones, who have great relationships with their moms, who are posting happy pictures of them together, either now or from when they were kids. Sidepoint: It's amazing how many girls look exactly like their mother did at their age. I am not one of them. 

The second group, the not so lucky ones. There are many reasons people have either lost their mothers or lost touch with them. The ones I know though, it's always the same story. It's my story. 

Many of them are extremely sad today, feeling the effects of knowing the people around them are off to brunches and lunches and dinners with happy cards telling their mom how she's one of the most important people in their life. And our mothers are probably also one of the most important people in our lives - how can she not be? She's our mother. But she shuns us. Based entirely on the one decision we ever made to completely disappoint her - we left her cult. 

To the first group, I've gotta say, I'm nothing but happy for you. You have something very special - although we all know that no family is ever perfect. To the second group I would just say, if you need to feel a little sad today, that's okay. There will always be situations in life that will make us miss them. Big life changes, accomplishments, marriages, babies, there are so many situations where you imagined your mother would be by your side. I get it and I can sympathize.

Despite the fact that my mother is out of my life for good this time, I don't feel sorry for myself. It's sad, yes. I am grateful though for all the effort she put into raising us as a single mom. Would I have chosen to be raised in a cult and then shunned/unshunned continually for the past 6 years? No. But she did the best she could while we were growing up. She used to sew us dresses, made sure we had good values and we always had a cozy home. 

Today, on Mother's Day, I really don't feel a void. She stopped being my mother six years ago. And there's a good chance it happened much, much earlier than that. Over the past few years and especially lately, others have stepped in. Aunts, stepmom, Grandma, and even oddly enough one of my ex's mom  - they have shared the role that is currently vacant in my life. 

I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this - that the word family doesn't always mean what we think it does. Through my extended and adopted network of "moms" I've found the one thing I always wanted and could never get from my own mother - unconditional love. 

If you haven't already done so, find the "family" that loves you for you. While that won't always heal the wounds of a Mother's Day without your birth mother,  it goes a long way to helping you feel grateful for what you do have, feel loved and feel not quite so alone. 

Remember, the Universe is our Mother and she is always looking out for us. She wants you to be happy and accepts you the way you are. As you think about that, pour a glass of wine or eat some ice cream. Run a bath or read a good book. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Tomorrow is a new day. 

Happy Mother's Day to all those wonderful, supportive moms out there. You deserve to be celebrated. 

Sullivan out.