Beautiful Trauma

The older you get the more you realize that your problems are not worse than anyone else's, just different. My guy always says "First World Problems, Margaux". He didn't exactly grow up here so he gets to say that.

I can't help but wonder though, can two broken people make one whole amazing person if they are together? Because we've all got our demons. I'm throwing the question out there but here's what I think: yes and no. We need to keep working on ourselves. Every day. If it's a bad day, go to bed and start over again tomorrow. Tomorrow is always new with no mistakes in it.

I don't believe though we're meant to go it alone in life. Whether it's a romantic partner, a best friend, a mentor or family, we need someone to be the mirror back to us. Because what we see in the mirror is not always accurate. Unless you're a millenial, it's probably self-defeating sometimes what you see when you look at yourself. (No hate for millenials but they think they are the shit.)

I'm a late bloomer. Took me a long time to realize the type of people I needed around me. I tried to go it alone for a long time because I couldn't figure it out. Then...I found people as perfectly imperfect as I was. Jay is my real mirror, him and my best girlfriends. We're honest with each other, we keep trying to improve and we make each other better. Together? I think we can be amazing and make something beautiful out of the ashes of our pasts. :)

Sullivan out.

The Happiness Project

"If you want to be happy, be." - Tolstoy

After my most recent brush with death, I haven't spent very much time trying to figure life out. It's strange, I think a lot of times, people who go through that have these great epiphanies. "Oh now I know what I want, what was missing, where to channel my energy in life." Not me. And I used to be a great romantic. Maybe I've just almost died too many times. 

I walked out of the hospital, went home to bed and cursed the entire time I was in recovery. Not on the outside. When my family (who worries about me) calls, I'm "great". My girlfriend kept asking me "How do you stay so happy and positive? I'd be going mental." Truth be told, I kinda was. But I manned up. I was diligent about healthy food and taking my meds on time and going to all my doctor's appointments, even when there were four or five of them in a week. I worked so hard to get better, even when I wasn't sure that's what I wanted. I don't even write anymore. 

I've gradually re-introduced myself to real life and there's one thing I've noticed. People in general are just not happy. I was talking to a kid today (like a 20-something) and asked him why did he think our generation is so messed up? My friends are smart, successful, stable, good-looking. Why aren't they happy? He said he thought the world has always been like this, but now there's more awareness. More effort to break the stigmas around mental health and allow people to be honest and get the help they need. That's the answer you'd expect from someone young and optimistic. 

Y'all know I've been through a couple of bad depressions. This time though, I didn't go back there. Maybe I was just in survival mode. Maybe I've done such a good job on my positivity campaign that I've even fooled myself into thinking that I'm happy. 

I had lunch with my girlfriend today and she said: "But Margaux, you don't have any problems!" Okay buddy. I have news for you. I've had some bad years. Every year I think things will get better but they don't. 2016? Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I got very, very sick. I don't have a job. I dated two guys in the past year, really liked both of them. I hate online dating but I met them both in real life. Everything was great, until out of the blue they each dumped me for no reason they cared to share. If I don't find a job soon I'll probably have to pack up my dog and either be homeless or move back to the Maritimes. It's scary some days. 

I think the trap of the idea of "happiness" is just that we think we all deserve it. And we deserve to feel it ALL the time. Of course, if I could wave a wand and make everyone in the world happy, I would. But that's not the world we live in. Even if you get that job you really want, or the guy you want to marry, the kids, the financial stability, the health...every day it's still going to be up to you to get up and decide if you're happy or not. It's really not our circumstances, it's our mindset. I'm not trying to downplay depression and anxiety, I know all too well that they can be consuming. I still have old JW-life nightmares when I wake up scared and confused and I don't remember what happened to half my family, to my husband. After a few minutes it comes back and I realize this is my life now. I have to get out of bed regardless. 

If I had to go back, I'd make most of the same decisions all over again, with a few tweaks. Knowing you're doing your best and being true to yourself - that's a big part of the Happiness Project. We all need to work at it. But if you do it long enough, it doesn't really seem to be so much work. :)

Here's something that makes me happy: pink hair. If I wasn't afraid I might actually get called for an interview one of these days, I'd keep it. Find whatever it is that makes you happy. When things are good, smile all day. It won't make the bad days go away, but it will give you something to draw on to get you through to tomorrow. 

Sullivan out. 

Hot Mess

Thank you everyone who commented on my last post. Y'all are the most awesome readers a girl could ask for. 

I'm happy to report I am finally, after so many weeks, feeling better and able to leave the house - not just for doctors appointments. I've missed having Cat around, she was always good company when I was not well. My girlfriend decided to loan me her dog this week while she's at work. Being a dog walker wasn't really in my career plan, but for now, it gets me out of the house a little bit every day and I'm finally, more than halfway through July and summer, starting to get a little color and feel a bit more alive. Animals really bring so much joy and comfort into our lives. At the end of the day, they give us so much more than we give them and their love is unconditional. 

Unconditional love. Quite the idea, isn't it? That no matter what we do, how many times we mess up, that love is always there for us to lean on. I'll be the first to admit I am one of the most imperfect people out there. I bet we all feel like that at times. 

I know it's an uphill battle for so many of my friends who have been through the same or similar experiences as I have. Being cast off by friends and family for choosing a path they don't agree with is traumatizing. 

It's funny, I've been seeing doctors all the time since I've been off work, but I decided I should make an appointment with a different doctor I haven't seen in awhile. He's very good, very expensive. I went to his website to look up his email address and I noticed he'd added something new to the list of issues he works on with his clients. Religious Trauma Syndrome. It's actually #2 on his list now. Well, I'm happy I was able to help build that into his experience. And a little bit surprised there's actually a name for it. I looked it up, it's a real thing. 

I've been following a lot of ex-JW chats and websites since Rosemary wrote my story for Canadian Living. I understand the hurt, pain, depression, anxiety that they all feel. Anger towards the Watchtower. I can't say I can tell any of you with any certainty that we will all ever completely get over that. I know I'm still a hot mess. But we can get close :)

Did I ever tell you that my favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip? (I do have a point and I will get there...) There's never enough chocolate chips. Yes, the mint ice cream is good but the chocolate bits make it so much more special. 

The happiness trap that I think we get stuck in is not appreciating "good" as being "good enough" and always longing for the special something. If everything were special, the word would not have any meaning at all. 

If we decide to stay stuck in the past, mourning the people we've lost, we don't have enough room in our hearts to truly love and appreciate the new ones who come along. We might not even notice them. If we decide to hold grudges against our families who may have shunned us but have come around now, we're the ones building fences around us to keep them out, the ones who are not able to show the unconditional love and forgiveness we so desperately wanted. 

You know, if you pick all the chocolate chips out of the tub of ice cream, next time you open it you'll be disappointed that you were so greedy. Maybe we need to realize that "good" really is good enough. The special stuff comes and goes and it should be that way. 

Just so y'all don't think I'm turning into a total softy here, I will criticize this article on jw.org (link embedded in the quote). 

Those who were baptized as Jehovah’s Witnesses but no longer preach to others, perhaps even drifting away from association with fellow believers, are not shunned.

Ok, "not shunned" here is open to interpretation. It's quite a misleading statement actually. Because outside of immediate family (if you're very lucky), maybe they don't put their heads down and walk past you on the street like you don't exist, but they still "shun". You're not alive, you're not included in their lives. You may have been friends for a lifetime, but they don't check in. I run into old acquaintances sometimes, and they don't even remember who I am. Old friends cut you off. It's still shunning. 

jw.org is probably trying to soften their bad reputation. It's a different world out there than it was before the internet, people who got disfellowshipped then were alone. Now they build communities. And they are putting their stories out there. 

I was sure, positive that they would come after me for having succeeded in getting my story told to millions of people. I work in marketing and I know how big corporations monitor the PR about them that gets out there every day. I believe I got away with it because they don't want a follow-up article published describing how they disfellowshipped me again for simply telling the truth.

I've been feeling so bad for so long, the past couple of days, I'm just so happy to feel "good". I hope some of that special stuff comes my way too, but for now, this is awesome. I have a freezer full of ice cream and a puppy to hang out with during the day. Great friends and the peace of mind that comes with doing what I know was the right thing. Religious Trauma or any other trauma we've been through can be conquered by working on our thoughts, our outlook, our appreciation of all the great things in our lives. No matter what anyone else tells you, there is more than one way to be happy. And we're all a hot mess at some point or another in our lives, so don't be too hard on yourself. Eat some ice cream. :)

Sullivan out.

The Landslide

Life is a series of peaks and valleys. Which I've grown oh-so-accustomed to that at this point.

I read a great article on my "daily dharma" the other day that said we should forget happiness. The pursuit of it, in itself, is a fool's errand. He said:

"What is freedom? It is nothing more, nothing less, than life lived awake."

This is what I crawled towards at the beginning, before I could walk, when I ventured out to find the real truth. Crawling of course, because confronting reality is a painful ordeal. It's the plot of every great movie, every moving book. Overcoming adversity and becoming more than what we were raised to be, but maybe what we were meant to be? It's inspiring, it's brave, it's fucking hard. We crawl before we walk, we walk before we can run. 

February is always the most depressing month, maybe that's why I born into it (the ever-sensitive Pisces). Lately, the family, the work, the boys, the friends, it's all been depressing. Fighting, severe illnesses, stress, unhappy situations...maybe we're all just experiencing a bad case of the winter blues. And I've been backsliding into the Landslide. 

My eczema is back, after all these years. I guess I'm more stressed out than I thought. I can't wait to add that to the things I reveal to new guys I date: Oh, you know, I was raised in a cult. And I'm divorced. And everything itches. :)

I'd rather hurt though than feel nothing at all. And when you hurt, you know you're still alive. And that soon, you'll feel the sun and the happiness that comes with surviving the winter. And the bad times. Living wide awake means we accept and feel each emotion as they come, and make peace with them. Let them in, learn to love them. That way, even if they bury us, we can find a way to crawl out and learn to walk again. Maybe eventually, we can run. 

Sullivan out.